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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIbu .. Woman contacting my husband?

224 replies

Awfullyconfusedwhat · 01/07/2018 22:24

Just trying to get your perspective. I've been married 17 years and have two kids.
My husband has taken up cycling and has joined a club. My daughter was on his phone and noticed he has two texts with a woman asking if he was going for the cyclists drink and then another saying.. I'm getting a bike , do you fancy doing my training programme? I've noticed before that she has commented on the clubs posts saying she can't wait to go out for a drink with them to see my husband dancing
He hasn't replied but I texted her back pointing out the fact that my daughter had seen the message ( true) and that it probably wasn't too appropriate to be asking for my husband's services when he had family and commitments.
Some of my friends think I've done the right thing but AIBU? Dreading seeing her at the school playground!

OP posts:

whiteroseredrose · 02/07/2018 21:13

Snow White and Rose Red the ladybird book?

3luckystars · 02/07/2018 21:17

I think you are right, she is after him and that bike bitch can piss off for herself.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 02/07/2018 21:19

Yes, that's the one, the original illustrations. Lovely book.

WigglyBlossom · 02/07/2018 21:28

Is the OP coming back?

SparklyMagpie · 02/07/2018 21:33

@WigglyBlossom judging by her past threads,No

MotsDHeureGoussesRames · 02/07/2018 21:37

Think the OP has done one. Joining the YWBU crew. Those messages sound nothing out of the ordinary and unless I'm wrong, her DH hadn't even replied?! If she'd seen overtly flirtatious messages, fine to bring up with DP but to reply in this situation was seriously controlling. At the end of the day, if your DP was going to cheat with this woman, you replying wouldn't stop him and if he wasn't (which seems v likely) you have just humiliated him...

Feijoa · 03/07/2018 11:13

Maybe I just have a suspicious mind and very little context to go by but I can easily read it as ‘wanna try my “training plan”?

Bluntness100 · 03/07/2018 11:21

Christ if my husband did this to me, world war three would start. I'd also think there was something seriously wrong with him. And if a male friends wife did it to ke, I'd think she was an insecure nutter and feel sorry for her husband.

If this is real, and I'm not sure it is, seriously who would even do that, then I feel sorry for both the op and her husband. The op clearly has mental health issues ie low self esteem, morbid jealousy, paranoia, etc and the husband is having his life significantly negatively impacted by it.

AnchorDownDeepBreath · 03/07/2018 22:50

Maybe I just have a suspicious mind and very little context to go by but I can easily read it as ‘wanna try my “training plan”?

That's a huge jump.

MistressDeeCee · 04/07/2018 01:47

Yeah OP YWBU but so what? So was she.

Women like that can fuck right off. They and their defenders will trot out the you must be insecure, jealous, blah blah lines.

If they're so cool with women contacting their partner that's their prerogative but it doesn't have to be yours.

Mind you I would've waited and put a question to him. But I'm not you, so...

You were annoyed and acted in the heat of the moment. Other living saints may not have reacted the same.

Going for competitions is entirely different from asking another woman's husband if they fancy meeting for a drink or to be their personal trainer , I would have thought

Apparently not, it seems...

Honestly all these phone guarders tho.

If DPs phone rings, he's not in the room and I know it would stop ringing by the time he gets to it, then I'll answer. He does same re my phone. It's just not a biggie. I don't care if DCs grab my phone to quickly look something up either.

Guarding your phone like it's your baby I couldn't be asked with all that

slashlover · 04/07/2018 08:10

Going for competitions is entirely different from asking another woman's husband if they fancy meeting for a drink or to be their personal trainer , I would have thought

People are reading WAY too much into this.

She didn't ask if he fancied a drink, she asked if he was going to the group drink.

She didn't ask him to be her personal trainer, he asked him to do her a training plan.

rosesgarden · 04/07/2018 12:06

Well i'm not saying this would have happened but i should imagine many affairs start with similar seemingly innocent texts. She's hardly going to come out with "fancy a shag" is she. The thing is, you just don't ask a married man if he wants to go for a drink.

slashlover · 04/07/2018 12:17

The thing is, you just don't ask a married man if he wants to go for a drink

BUT SHE DIDN'T. She asked if he would be going to the group drinks by text and on an open forum where OP can obviously freely see.

I'm going away overnight with 3 guys in December (and have done several times before). One is married, and the other two have girlfriends. We're in separate rooms and will be going to an event. I'm glad half the board seems to think I'm some sort of scarlet woman who is obviously just out to shag them.

rosesgarden · 04/07/2018 12:27

Yes i know how she asked him, but we don't know her motive for that do we, Why was she bothered if he went or not. It could be perfectly innocent, but on the other hand it might not be. We all know people have affairs, i'm sure most of them start off in quite innocent similar ways to this.

Strugglingtodomybest · 04/07/2018 13:32

If my DH cheats on me it won't be because I wasn't insecure and paranoid enough for him.

I can't believe how many posters seem to believe that they need to guard their DHs.

Thisnamechanger · 04/07/2018 14:04

This is completely mad.

Even if she had suggested something untoward, which I don't think she has btw, it's entirely up to her DH how he handles it.

If a man came onto me (which AGAIN I don't think this woman is) and my DP thought it was his job to storm in like my Dad and warn the person off I'd seriously consider leaving him.

Cringing for you OP - you own DH an apology.

henpeckedinchief · 04/07/2018 14:07

If they're so cool with women contacting their partner that's their prerogative but it doesn't have to be yours.

Do you really think it's weird for your DH ago be contacted by women under any circumstances?

My DH has a very close pal who is a gasp attractive single woman. They used to work together and now share a common interest that I don't really give a shit about. They sometimes go to the pub for a drink together or meet for lunch. I'm clearly being laughed at by the faithless feckers as they tear each other's clothes off the moment they're alone, because men and women can't be friends apparently.

chilly32045 · 04/07/2018 14:10

I probably wouldn't have text her but you are right to be wary. I would just keep an eye on it.

rosesgarden · 04/07/2018 15:50

henpecked Are you not worried they might feel attracted to each other?

Travis1 · 04/07/2018 17:03

Christ on a bike no wonder women have a reputation of being 'crazy'

Peterrabbitscarrots · 04/07/2018 17:06

Odd though that she hasn’t actually purchased a bicycle yet but wants to go for drinks with a cycling group

henpeckedinchief · 04/07/2018 17:30

rosesgarden

I'm really not. I know her fairly well too and she often comes round for dinner with both of us and there has never been any attraction between them. They've also been friends for longer than my DH and I have known each other and nothing ever happened before I was on the scene.

My DH is entirely trustworthy. I have no concern whatsoever about his loyalty or faithfulness.

Also - I'm bisexual, and my DH knows this. Maybe that's why I can see that it's possible to be friends with attractive people and not have any attraction to them? I would have no friends at all if my DH operated on the assumption that I might cheat on him with my attractive friends just because I fancy men and women.

I think it's ok to be suspicious if you've been given cause to be. But I can't get my head around this idea that women should be instantaneously suspicious of their husband's friends just because those friends might happen to be women. Men and women can be friends - really close friends! If the mere fact of that friendship is the only thing making you suspicious, I think the issue is yours not theirs.

gingerbread88 · 04/07/2018 23:16

I'm not sure why people are still saying that cycling lady asked her husband out for a drink, obviously that's different but she DIDN'T. She made a comment on the whole group chat that she wanted to see his dancing when the cycling group have drinks. Where are people reading that she asked him out one to one which is an entirely different scenario.
Perhaps I'm a mug or just secure in my relationship but my husband has a hobby that I'm not interested in where the men and women train together and intermingle on group nights where they might have drinks or dinner as a group after. It's normal!
How sad that people see someone asking for help with a training plan as 'I want to have sex with you'.
My husband has spent a number of Sunday's training with a woman one to one from the hobby group, that was fine by me and fine with her husband. I never thought because they were training together for an event they were having an affair. He'd think I'd gone mental if that's what I thought.
The bike thing I assumed meant she was purchasing a new bike and was already a member of the cycling group but we won't know as the OP has disappeared.

fieryginger · 05/07/2018 00:42

You checked with DH first and text from your own phone, YANBU. She was. Don't worry about bumping into her and certainly, don't apologise.

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