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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIbu .. Woman contacting my husband?

224 replies

Awfullyconfusedwhat · 01/07/2018 22:24

Just trying to get your perspective. I've been married 17 years and have two kids.
My husband has taken up cycling and has joined a club. My daughter was on his phone and noticed he has two texts with a woman asking if he was going for the cyclists drink and then another saying.. I'm getting a bike , do you fancy doing my training programme? I've noticed before that she has commented on the clubs posts saying she can't wait to go out for a drink with them to see my husband dancing
He hasn't replied but I texted her back pointing out the fact that my daughter had seen the message ( true) and that it probably wasn't too appropriate to be asking for my husband's services when he had family and commitments.
Some of my friends think I've done the right thing but AIBU? Dreading seeing her at the school playground!

OP posts:
Returnofthesmileybar · 01/07/2018 23:15

Scarlet for you Blush

gingerbread88 · 01/07/2018 23:18

I'm sorry but your reaction to what I see given the info you have shared as a very innocent hobby like text as really unreasonable.
She is part of a cycling group where there are clearly male and female members, she has made a joke about the next social drink (which most groups do meet up from time to time and there's banter) and your DH's dancing and asked for help with a training plan. She wasn't sending anything inappropriate or photos of her tits or vagina. So what if your daughter read those, I truly can't see the problem, I'm actually shocked at your massive over reaction.
My kids are brought up to see that men and women can have platonic relationships which is often through a shared hobby or activity, they aren't all wanting to have sex with each other, what a strange reaction to have.
As for texting her, I feel so sorry for her. What does your husband think about your behaviour and texting her to tell her off and warn her off? My husband would be furious with me.
I have a hobby and often train with a male from the group as we are often training for the same event and are the same level and neither of our partners mind or suspect anything or get weird about it. I'd be devastated if his wife text me this.
It's all so silly.

Gemini69 · 01/07/2018 23:19

hahahaaaaa I think you've nipped it right in the buttocks.... your DH knows so who cares what she thinks lol Smile

rosesgarden · 01/07/2018 23:19

I'd have done the same op. Cheeky bitches like that need telling straight. It was her that over stretched the mark not you.

Itchyknees · 01/07/2018 23:19

But this woman hasn’t joined the cycling group and doesn’t have a bike!

daffodillament · 01/07/2018 23:20

Some posters in agreement with Op ! I don't get it. Nothing is ringing alarm bells here. Why not just speak to your husband and ask how he feels about the boring texts and if he feels there might be more to it than innocent friendship messages ? Did he mind you reading his messages ? ( I don't buy this 'daughter read messages' crap) Did he mind what you did ? Did the woman respond ?

Gabilan · 01/07/2018 23:21

She’s getting a bike? So she’s not a member of the cycling club yet?
Just because she's getting a bike, doesn't mean she doesn't have one already. It's quite common to have more than one bike. Kind of a rule in fact.

Gemini69 · 01/07/2018 23:23

but She DID speak to her Husband.. and he knew she was texting the lady concerned... so all good Smile

FabulouslyFab · 01/07/2018 23:24

I’m with you OP - stop anything before it starts. Flirty text messages to someone elses husband - totally out of order!!

EndofSummer · 01/07/2018 23:30

Ha ha I actually thought good for you! She’s angling for your husbands attention and you shot that one down.

Your marriage is so important, stability for you all. I think replying and getting her number are far less of a big deal than your marriage being torn apart. Your DH obviously didn’t realise / was flattered and gave out his number. So you were at risk. No marriage is immune.

lonelyplanetmum · 01/07/2018 23:33

Well there's a variety of perspectives on here.

I am responding as my DH is an obsessive cyclist and is definitely more interested in female friendships rather than male friendships in the club. After marrying him, I discovered he had strayed in his first marriage, which he had denied to me, so I am probably more vigilant than otherwise would be the case.

I would say this situation depends on how long they have both been in the club. The odd thing is that you say she is only just getting a bike.So how have they got know each in the club already as the chats would normally take place out on a run and at any coffee stops?

If they've cycled together a few times previously, chatted while on a run and swapped numbers then this woman asking if he was joining a collective cyclists' drink is probably ok. If its all new though why doesn't she ask in a group chat who out of everyone is going for the drink?

I find it odd there's been three communications singling out your DH and his dancing etc, yet she has only just got or is getting a bike?

Guess some people are more forward than others but if you join a new club doing anything at all, then the initial communications are normally collective until friendships have a little time to develop. It is usually only the organiser who goes out of his or her way to welcome a new member individually.

ObiJuanKenobi · 01/07/2018 23:36

LOL this is a wind up, surely!?

Oh god your poor DH, you've ruined his hobby for him now, poor lamb will be ashamed to show his face at cycle club now - unless that was all a ruse and code for his secret swingers association..

ObiJuanKenobi · 01/07/2018 23:37

...mean while at cycle club

AIbu .. Woman contacting my husband?
AnyFucker · 01/07/2018 23:37

I don't think this thread is panning out how op thought it would....

AgentProvocateur · 01/07/2018 23:39

If my husband did this to me, he’d soon be my ex-husband.

CourtneyLovely · 01/07/2018 23:41

Your DD was on his phone while in the shower?

Gemini69 · 01/07/2018 23:41

I think OP will be fine.. Flowers

nobody is ripping the piss out of her marriage ... and rightly so... and with the blessing of her Husband.. she nipped this in the bud... screw the red face.. I'd rather a red face than a broken marriage Grin

LeahJack · 01/07/2018 23:42

When you say you’ve been discussing this with friends, do you mean other Mums from the school run?

If that’s the case and you are spreading nasty gossip that she is trying to fuck other people’s husbands on the back of a couple of texts, then that’s bang out of order. It’s not fair on DH, but it’s worse on her.

I know people who have been badly affected by rumours started on flimsy evidence and jumped conclusions and it’s not nice

midnightmisssuki · 01/07/2018 23:42

Shock you did not text the ooor woman from your phone. Tell me this is some awful joke thread.

If it’s real - OP, no offence, but you’re indane to think what you did is ok. I would be seriously considering questioning why you think this is OK. Is your husband under your thumb?!

tinyme77 · 01/07/2018 23:44

What did your husband say? You clearly don't trust him.

Gemini69 · 01/07/2018 23:44

hahahaaaaaaa brilliant Grin

EvilMorty · 01/07/2018 23:44

I’m assuming he’s not going to the drinks then, as he won’t be allowed out that night. Or any night.

I’m actually surprised you have allowed him to be part of a cycle club at all with this level of scrutiny, why not force him to join a men’s only one if this is how you react to entirely normal questions.

donquixotedelamancha · 01/07/2018 23:44

but She DID speak to her Husband.. and he knew she was texting the lady concerned... so all good

I can't imagine any scenario where it would be normal for a person's partner to communicate a 'stay away' message to someone they didn't know.

The proportionate response would be for DH to just give a negative response to the requests. Even if this was obviously an inappropriate advance (which I don't think is clear) it would be his place to put her straight.

Whatever the reason/extent DH 'allowed' the OP to do this, the outcome is still that he's potentially going to be publicly humiliated.

I have only every known one person do stuff like this to his partner and it eventually became clear how abusive and controlling he was. No one would be suggesting this is OK if the genders were reversed.

Gemini69 · 01/07/2018 23:46

it's bloody FUNNY Grin

LeahJack · 01/07/2018 23:47

OP said she’d spoken about it, not that she had told him she was calling her.

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