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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIbu .. Woman contacting my husband?

224 replies

Awfullyconfusedwhat · 01/07/2018 22:24

Just trying to get your perspective. I've been married 17 years and have two kids.
My husband has taken up cycling and has joined a club. My daughter was on his phone and noticed he has two texts with a woman asking if he was going for the cyclists drink and then another saying.. I'm getting a bike , do you fancy doing my training programme? I've noticed before that she has commented on the clubs posts saying she can't wait to go out for a drink with them to see my husband dancing
He hasn't replied but I texted her back pointing out the fact that my daughter had seen the message ( true) and that it probably wasn't too appropriate to be asking for my husband's services when he had family and commitments.
Some of my friends think I've done the right thing but AIBU? Dreading seeing her at the school playground!

OP posts:

LeighaJ · 01/07/2018 23:52

Awfullyconfusedwhat

"I texted her back on my own number and spoke to him first about how upset I was.
The texts popped up on his phone when my daughter was having a shower."

YANBU IF your main reason was because it upset your daughter seeing the messages.

If that wasn't the primary reason then you should have left it to your husband to deal with her. It does sound like she wanted to go for drinks with a married man and find other excuses to get him alone which is Very inappropriate.

Mymycherrypie · 01/07/2018 23:52

Why is your daughter upset that her dad has friends?

Limpopobongo · 01/07/2018 23:55

I thought these forums were for well meaning advice, not to bask in Schadenfreude..?

donquixotedelamancha · 01/07/2018 23:56

I thought these forums were for well meaning advice, not to bask in Schadenfreude..? You must be new here.

Also, what the hell do you advise someone who thinks this is reasonable?

eggncress · 01/07/2018 23:57

If someone did that to me I’d be password protecting my phone from now on.

liverbird10 · 01/07/2018 23:59

Well... all I know is that I have male friends, my D P has female friends, and none are a threat to our relationship. Do you not have the same? Any reason to mistrust your husband, or is this your personal jealousy problem?

DiegoMadonna · 02/07/2018 00:00

Why aren't more people questioning this:

The texts popped up on his phone when my daughter was having a shower

That makes no sense! It'd be weird enough to be reading text previews on your own phone while you're in the shower, let alone your dad's phone.

Aquamarine1029 · 02/07/2018 00:01

Texting her like that makes you look like an unhinged, paranoid lunatic. Your husband must be so humiliated.

LankinMcElf · 02/07/2018 00:01

Ooooooo no!
Bike bird is clearly a chancer with designs on your DH but you really shouldn’t have replied to her text!
It’s made you look like a bit of a Valkyrie!
Glad you’ve spoken to DH about it though. At least he’s not hiding his phone or being secretive.
Keep communication going, you don’t need secrets here. He might be flattered but he needs to know you won’t put up with any shite (secretly delighted that you sent text and warned her off😉!)

WanderingTrolley1 · 02/07/2018 00:02

Ywbu.

avamiah · 02/07/2018 00:08

My OH gets texts all the time on his phone and so do I.
There has to be a element of trust .
I don’t agree with reading other people’s text messages or letters at all .
I know he’s your husband and not just anybody but in my opinion it’s wron

avamiah · 02/07/2018 00:08

Wrong

Fruitcorner123 · 02/07/2018 00:08

I suspect, having read your previous threads, that there is more to this story.

Based on what youve posted YABU it's not your place to interfere like this. When you discussed it with your husband wq
hat did he say?

TheFormidableMrsC · 02/07/2018 00:09

Oh I don't know, I text a woman back once. My husband was out, he left his phone on the table next to me and a woman who had made a very obvious beeline for him in front of me sent an inappropriate message. I replied in his absence and bloody well told him I had. I did know her and she knew he was married. She was also married.

Years later, he left me for her. I am not suggesting that your husband is going to do the same OP, far from it, but I wouldn't feel bad about letting her know you know. My perspective is different, I do realise that.

Turkkadin · 02/07/2018 00:18

Sometimes you can just smell a rat. This is a tricky one. I definately wouldn't have texted her. I would have had a quiet word in her ear on the school run that would have left her in no doubt whatsoever about what I thought of her texts to my husband.

ilovesooty · 02/07/2018 00:19

The depressing thing about the thread is that the OP is not the only disrespectful controller on it.

daffodillament · 02/07/2018 00:19

I thought these forums were for well meaning advice, not to bask in Schadenfreude..? You must be new here.

avamiah · 02/07/2018 00:23

These forums are for advice but also for other people’s opinions.

EdWinchester · 02/07/2018 00:36

How embarrassing for your dh!

Do you normally treat him like a child?

PyongyangKipperbang · 02/07/2018 00:40

I think this is one of those things that you do in the heat of the moment and then on calm reflection realise that perhaps it wasnt such a brilliant idea. I can sympathise, I am an "act first, think later" person.

It wasnt ideal, but its no big deal really, did your DH know and ok you sending it?. And tbh, at least now this woman knows that his messages are not secret from you. If anyone should be embarrassed, its her for over stepping the mark with him.

PinkGinFreak · 02/07/2018 01:23

Hmm seems like most posters here are being a bit naive. Sounds obvious to me that she fancies ops husband, shes made the first move towards a slippery slope; she needs watching and warning off imo.

BarbarianMum · 02/07/2018 01:31

You can't keep a man faithful by warning off other women PinkGin

thelionsharer · 02/07/2018 01:45

Diego

"Why aren't more people questioning this:

The texts popped up on his phone when my daughter was having a shower"

Exactly, how did this come about?

Fivelittleduckies · 02/07/2018 01:47

I feel like you really overstepped the mark OP - to be texting on his behalf is very possessive and inappropriate. Why can’t he deal with the situation himself if indeed she shouldn’t be contacting him. Why do you need to be the one warning her off?
Also may I ask how old your daughter is for her to take such issue with the matter herself...seems rather odd.
Or has your husband got a history of inappropriate friendships in order for this to raise such an alarm within the family...?

Pikachuneedshelp · 02/07/2018 01:56

I’m impressed that the phone still works if your daughter was using it in the shower

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