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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIbu .. Woman contacting my husband?

224 replies

Awfullyconfusedwhat · 01/07/2018 22:24

Just trying to get your perspective. I've been married 17 years and have two kids.
My husband has taken up cycling and has joined a club. My daughter was on his phone and noticed he has two texts with a woman asking if he was going for the cyclists drink and then another saying.. I'm getting a bike , do you fancy doing my training programme? I've noticed before that she has commented on the clubs posts saying she can't wait to go out for a drink with them to see my husband dancing
He hasn't replied but I texted her back pointing out the fact that my daughter had seen the message ( true) and that it probably wasn't too appropriate to be asking for my husband's services when he had family and commitments.
Some of my friends think I've done the right thing but AIBU? Dreading seeing her at the school playground!

OP posts:
whiteroseredrose · 02/07/2018 17:31

For those questioning phone in shower you can get a plastic case that is watertight. Then the DD can watch Love Island or Ru Paul's Drag Race in the shower or bath.

Just wondering, if OW wannabe doesn't have a bike yet, why is she going to cyclists drinks. Surely you need a bike to be a cyclist.

Potato2242 · 02/07/2018 17:33

I'm with you op. Nip it in the bud before it starts on her part so she doesn't get the wrong idea or try something that isn't possible

SickOfSitting · 02/07/2018 17:39

Sadly if this woman was interested in your dh, sending her a "back off" text won't work. All it could do is make your dh think of you as a controlling wife, he will then start to find more fault with you out of resentment and create arguments. He will then spend more time out cycling and this woman will end up the "listening ear" to your husband whilst they are enjoying their hobby together and he will be more drawn to her out of natural embarrassment that his wife was so "horrible " to this "poor innocent woman" who is "such a good listening ear" and good fun.

It probably won't happen like that but that's one scenario.

Back of texts don't work, they just draw the man (or woman) towards the potential interested person.

HollyBollyBooBoo · 02/07/2018 17:45

Bloody hell Op, give your husband his balls back and let him put them in his pants!

FluffingtonPost · 02/07/2018 17:47

Unless there’s some serious back story i think YABVU...I have a few male friends, mainly through work. One is a good friend, we share similar interests and message regularly outside of work regarding recommendations relating to a shared interest. He also knows my DP and we have been out with him and his DW together.

If my DP did anything like this, I would be bloody livid. I also agree with PP that it’s not a great demonstration to your DD that men and women can’t just be friends.

overnightangel · 02/07/2018 17:48

Good post @Sequencedress

TheNoseyProject · 02/07/2018 17:56

Yabvu. I really don’t know what more to say. If you discussed it with your dh then he should have replied. The fact he didn’t suggests either you’re lying about having discussed it or he didn’t agree. By texting her about a perfectly normal social message you’ve made him look like a little boy and you look like his mum.

Very poorly played op.

Makemineboozefree · 02/07/2018 17:58

The irony is, you've now given your DH and the bike lady something to bond over, as no doubt they will want to chat privately to clear the awkward air you've created between them. Oh dear...

theveryhighlife · 02/07/2018 18:02

Your poor dh, how humiliating for him. You sound unnecessarily paranoid.

Alaaya · 02/07/2018 18:14

And if another woman was texting my husband I'd tell her to fuck off, I wouldn't bother being polite. She knows she's crossing a line

Seriously? It's 'crossing a line' to text a married man? Because apparently any text to a single man has the subtext of 'fancy a shag?' What peculiar and lonely lives some people lead.

stopfuckingshoutingatme · 02/07/2018 19:11

Meh

She clearly wants your husbands 🍆🍆

There is no right or wrong solution here

But do I judge you ? No - fuck her

Now will check for updates Grin

MrsClutterworth · 02/07/2018 19:38

"You're so far past the line you can't even see the line! THE LINE IS A DOT TO YOU."

The words of Joey from Friends have never been more fitting than right now😂😂

Ellisandra · 02/07/2018 19:43

How embarrassing of you. I’d be so angry if my husband did this to me. And if my husband let me do it - well, my respect for him would hit an all time low.

All it needed was for him to text “sorry, I’m not getting into any additional commitments - I enjoy the cycling club but I also enjoy time with my wife and daughter, so I keep cycling to only”

Itchyknees · 02/07/2018 19:47

My comments are also based as years as a barmaid and also working in a very male environment away from home. (Oil and gas)

She’s after a bit. And something made her think it was worth her while testing the water.

Gabilan · 02/07/2018 19:50

I would have done the same and she will totally leave him alone now

Or, she'll realise the wife sees him as a threat and think she's in with a chance.

Or, she was never interested anyway but as PP have said this may be a bit of a bonding moment for them.

Back to the OP: he has two texts with a woman asking if he was going for the cyclists drink and then another saying.. I'm getting a bike , do you fancy doing my training programme? I've noticed before that she has commented on the clubs posts saying she can't wait to go out for a drink with them to see my husband dancing

None of this is about socialising with him on his own. It's about going out with the group. And I suspect that's another bike, not just a bike. She's already in the cycling group and it's unusual for serious cyclists just to have one bike it's generally as many as they think they can get away with It might just be sociable, it might be more than that but either way, it's for the husband to make it clear that he's only interested in her as a cycling friend/ acquaintance, not as anything else.

Whocansay · 02/07/2018 19:51

Well I can't see him being a member of that club for much longer. He will be a laughing stock, and you will be written off as an utter loon. Because what you did isn't normal.

What does your husband think of your text OP? You never did say. And were you sober when you sent it?

FittonTower · 02/07/2018 19:59

My samsung S8 is waterproof, would work in the shower if i wanted to.
However. If she is interested in your husband i don't imagine you're text will have made much difference. And if your husband is going to cheat "seeing off" other women won't make any difference either.

Cleanermaidcook · 02/07/2018 20:00

Your poor husband!
I just have no words, how sad that you don't trust him enough to sort out his own relationships with people.

stopfuckingshoutingatme · 02/07/2018 20:27

Well I can't see him being a member of that club for much longer. He will be a laughing stock, and you will be written off as an utter loon. Because what you did isn't normal

That’s a very dramatic response
How will People even know ? As if that woman will even tell anyone . As if

It’s a a minor non event and the woman - well whatever . I think that the behaviour of someone who wants 🍆 frankly

Alaaya · 02/07/2018 20:39

How will People even know ? As if that woman will even tell anyone . As if

If I got a mad text from the wife of a random acquaintance I'd texted twice about some hobby club stuff, too damn right I'd tell people! Why wouldn't I? Why wouldn't she? She's done nothing wrong.

I suspect a fair few cycling club members know already! This kind of stuff goes round small hobby groups like wildfire.

whiteroseredrose · 02/07/2018 20:40

Asked DH and it wouldn't be an issue for him. He'd be embarrassed at having to deal with her if she's being inappropriate. No issues with me dealing with it, saves him the bother. He has always said that one of the good things about being married is the get-out-of-it card. Sorry DW has made plans etc.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 02/07/2018 20:59

What's the relevance of that, whiteroseredrose? Your husband's view is that of one man and he's not the OP's husband. I think most men would not like this; I think most women wouldn't either given the posts on this thread.

It's not a normal or healthy way to behave in a relationship and I wouldn't tolerate it. You either trust somebody, or you don't. You can't keep people faithful, only they can do that.

whiteroseredrose · 02/07/2018 21:04

But this is about the OP and she did ask her DP first.

Presumably OW-wannabe wasn't texting a random to ask about cycling drinks (without a cycle) and personal training. Presumably she picked him personally not just anyone in the club.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 02/07/2018 21:10

Did she? I think that was disputed but OP has only posted twice and the overwhelming opinion is that this really wasn't the right thing to do.

I don't know your circumstances but really, your husband can't speak for other men any more than we can speak for other women. My husband would probably be oblivious to any messages coming in as he just pays no attention to his phone. Not indicative of any other men, if you see what I mean, he hates phones. Most people don't.

I think OP has made a mistake here and she realises that, hence not coming back to the thread.

Incidentally, your username is the title of one of my favourite books as a child. :)

Alaaya · 02/07/2018 21:12

So, I'm involved in a couple of hobby clubs. I'm also bisexual, so let's assume that any texts I send to women have the same subtext as men. Based on this batshit logic, that any communication about a shared hobby is invariably a prelude for initiating illicit sexual contact, I'm currently a 'wannabe OW' to four people from my swimming club I texted about doing some outdoor swimming (a group text, but that wouldn't show up to anyone reading it), one person I as arranging to meet before work for a training swim, and two people I am acting as carpool driver for for an event and texted about meeting for pick up on Saturday.

I have no idea how I'll find the time or energy for all these affairs!