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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIbu .. Woman contacting my husband?

224 replies

Awfullyconfusedwhat · 01/07/2018 22:24

Just trying to get your perspective. I've been married 17 years and have two kids.
My husband has taken up cycling and has joined a club. My daughter was on his phone and noticed he has two texts with a woman asking if he was going for the cyclists drink and then another saying.. I'm getting a bike , do you fancy doing my training programme? I've noticed before that she has commented on the clubs posts saying she can't wait to go out for a drink with them to see my husband dancing
He hasn't replied but I texted her back pointing out the fact that my daughter had seen the message ( true) and that it probably wasn't too appropriate to be asking for my husband's services when he had family and commitments.
Some of my friends think I've done the right thing but AIBU? Dreading seeing her at the school playground!

OP posts:
Juells · 02/07/2018 10:04

I was the most laid-back, un-jealous, privacy-respecting wife that ever existed. My advice nowadays would be - check phones, take note of anything out of the ordinary. And if another woman was texting my husband I'd tell her to fuck off, I wouldn't bother being polite. She knows she's crossing a line.

ExConstance · 02/07/2018 10:14

yes, what you did was inappropriate but I would have done the same and she will totally leave him alone now.

CandleWithHair · 02/07/2018 10:16

You need to work on your insecurities OP. You’d also do well to work on your boundaries and controlling tendencies.

Nothing you’ve posted is even remotely worrying, aside from your own terrible behaviour,

If he’d had those messages from Dave at the cycling club, would any of this be happening? Are men not allowed female friends? FFS!

Sequencedress · 02/07/2018 10:17

DH and I have just spent the weekend apart (he was away in a different part of the country) at our respective hobbies (running and music) and there are pics all over both our FBs with cheeky comments/references to the parties afterwards/general mischief. I've also got texts from friends (male and female) who have sorted out bits of training plans for me, as they're further on than me with their running. DH has a group chat with the other members of the band (some of whom are female) which is active most days (I see his phone light up/he tells me things people have said) and neither of us gives a toss. I even got a cuddle from one of the men I raced with yesterday as it was the first time I'd done that distance in a race, and was a bit emotional at managing to finish. His wife was about 100m away and came over and joined in when she saw!
My point being, neither DH nor I wish to sleep with these people - I'm as jokey with my male friends as I am with my female ones, as is he. Policing friendships won't make him behave if he's determined to misbehave (which it doesn't sound like he is) she could throw herself at him, naked and willing, he can still walk away - it would be his choice to do something, and HIS fault if he did.
Before there are calls of 'cool wife' nope, I just trust my husband.

Figgygal · 02/07/2018 10:20

Gosh that was an overreaction and I'm quite mortified for you and your husband

Racecardriver · 02/07/2018 10:27

Why couldn't he just text her back to fuck off?

TheLionRoars1110 · 02/07/2018 10:29

THis is a bit confusing OP, but i guess he knew you'd text her so that's fine i suppose. Not sure why he didn't just do it himself. "No thanks - busy with wife and child" would have done the trick.
did you get a response from her?

mademybed123 · 02/07/2018 10:31

oh my god, I would be appalled if my DH did what you did!!!! Why would anyone think that was ok?

FuckPants · 02/07/2018 11:15

Why couldn't he just text her back to fuck off?

Why the fuck should he?

isthismylifenow · 02/07/2018 12:24

I think the message was in him NOT texting her back.

He was obviously just ignoring it, I would assume the 'no reaction is best reaction" applied.

Until OP replied, that is.

Lethaldrizzle · 02/07/2018 12:52

I wouldn't text a married man asking about meeting up for drinks

LML83 · 02/07/2018 12:58

As you discussed with husband before texting I think it's fine, admire you for being so direct.

SpandexTutu · 02/07/2018 13:22

As long as your DH is OK with you sending that message from his phone, I see no problem with it.
If you didn't discuss it with him beforehand, then he will have every right to be furious with you. And now you may have a bigger problem on your hands...

MadameGazelleIsMyHomegirl · 02/07/2018 13:28

This makes me sad. In ten years of being a single parent I can hand on heart say not once have I looked at another woman’s husband and thought ‘hmmm if only...’. Are you really sure your husband is ‘all that’ to begin with? Also, even if they weren’t contemplating an affair, your batshit behaviour has given them something perfect to bond over, hasn’t it? And a reason for your husband to consider his options!!

MindBodyChocolate · 02/07/2018 13:34

How embarrassing. I can’t believe you’d do this. You will have come across as completely batshit and given the club something to talk about for ages. If I did this, dp would be livid and humiliated.

rosesgarden · 02/07/2018 14:12

Aren't some people bloody naive. They really can't see the wrong in this woman messaging a married man to go for drinks and help with her training programme? Massive red flags right there, the Op has let her know she's been rumbled, her game is up. What the hell did she think she was playing at.....Well done Op!

As for all this talk of "trusting" your Dh? You can trust anyone up till the time they betray that trust, as many have to their cost.

ilovesooty · 02/07/2018 15:48

She asked him if he was going to a mixed, public social event. She didn't ask him to meet up for drinks.

Therealjudgejudy · 02/07/2018 16:10

This is hilarious

alibongo5 · 02/07/2018 16:17

Btw for those of you asking about a phone you can use in the shower, the Samsung S5 is water-resistant up to 1 metre for up to 30 minutes. I have one but have never put it to the test - I just like the fact that if I drop it in the loo or in a puddle, it has some chance of survival!

Itchyknees · 02/07/2018 16:28

Look through the relationship threads. There are HOARDS of women with straying husbands. Sensible to be cautious and see her off. Not all women are sistas.

SparklyMagpie · 02/07/2018 16:31

No I'm not getting how at first your daughter was on his phone reading the messages but then next time they pinged up while she was in the shower??

What's going on here?

XJerseyGirlX · 02/07/2018 16:33

Sorry OP, you sound so controlling and paranoid. Perhaps give your Dh a little freedom? no wonder he joined a cycling club .. sounds like he could do with a little space

Itchyknees · 02/07/2018 16:39

I must live on another planet then.

Most married men are generally about as faithful as their options.

CandleWithHair · 02/07/2018 16:40

itchyknees don’t be so ridiculous - you can’t hold up the Relationships board as justification for behaving like a paranoid clinger. It’s a self selecting board which is completely unsurprisingly mostly populated by people with relationship problems. Unless there’s an equivalent board where women in very happy relationships are also posting about all the healthy friendships their DH’s manage to maintain with women, it’s not really a useful thing to point the OP at. It’ll just fuel her (very obvious) insecurities.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 02/07/2018 17:12

itchy that's ridiculous, OP has not 'seen her off', what a pathetic thing to say. The only person who can keep OP's husband faithful is her husband. That's it. He has absolute control of what he does with his fidelity.

If you ever think that you have to intervene and start 'seeing women off' then you've lost, it's just a matter of when. I would not be with somebody so insecure that they need to check on me - and 'seeing somebody off' on my behalf, they wouldn't get to do that twice.

Act like a jealous, insecure person and you'll lose the person you're clinging on to. Again, it's just a question of when but you will, it's so, so unattractive. Act like a prize, that you would not be cheated on and you would never tolerate it, and you'll be treated with that respect.