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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIbu .. Woman contacting my husband?

224 replies

Awfullyconfusedwhat · 01/07/2018 22:24

Just trying to get your perspective. I've been married 17 years and have two kids.
My husband has taken up cycling and has joined a club. My daughter was on his phone and noticed he has two texts with a woman asking if he was going for the cyclists drink and then another saying.. I'm getting a bike , do you fancy doing my training programme? I've noticed before that she has commented on the clubs posts saying she can't wait to go out for a drink with them to see my husband dancing
He hasn't replied but I texted her back pointing out the fact that my daughter had seen the message ( true) and that it probably wasn't too appropriate to be asking for my husband's services when he had family and commitments.
Some of my friends think I've done the right thing but AIBU? Dreading seeing her at the school playground!

OP posts:
KittyHawke80 · 02/07/2018 02:25

Well, she’s not going to want him now, is she? So job done. If she did fancy him, then discovering he’s the kind of useless streak of piss who lets his daughter read his texts and his wife reply to them (after a short consultation period) will kill stone dead any amatory feelings.

SmallBlondeMama · 02/07/2018 02:35

Good for you!!!

Ebony69 · 02/07/2018 03:12

I don’t believe for one minute that the OP discussed it with her husband. This subsequent information does not fit in with the tone of the first post. And it’s more likely that the OP was checking the phone herself, rather than the ‘daughter’ using it - hence why the bit about the DD being in the shower making no sense. OP, whilst I understand your reasons for feeling uneasy about the messages, I agree that your response was disproportionate and controlling.

Angelfeathers13 · 02/07/2018 03:15

Well, i’m going to put my neck on the line here, ! Inappropriate? Whose inappropriate? Perhaps enlisting the help of a married man for training and drinks is a little inappropriate. I can’t fathom how lambasted Awfullyconfusedwhat has been by the comments to her post . Perhaps if she’d picked up her 18yr olds child phone (hypothetically) yep , infringement of privacy . Obviously her husband is trustworthy leaving his ph unlocked and in full view of daughter and herself, You discussed it first with him , great ! I suppose he could have let her know next time , hey not really interested , but what you did was put yourself out there to this Vulture (and it is a female term for predator! ) listen bit awks with you txting my hubby of 17 yrs he already goes to cycling club you can see him there , if he trains you and meets for drinks where on earth would he have time to spend with his wife and kids ?? I’m sure he would have sorted it, i’m sure you were uncomfortable and panicked but , it all starts with a txt !!!

TheMaddHugger · 02/07/2018 03:25

Waterproof phone ? I need one. What brand is it please ?

Shoxfordian · 02/07/2018 05:15

Why do you feel it's ok to manage his contact with other people like this? Yabu and I'd be really annoyed if my partner acted like this

isthismylifenow · 02/07/2018 05:57

I need one of those phones so I can read messages in the shower.

This makes no sense. Is she part of the club or not? Isnt having a bike a requirement?

Is your dh now looking for another club?

whiteroseredrose · 02/07/2018 06:35

In your position I might have done the same. Did she enquire about everyone going to the cyclist's drinks or your DH only? If so, why just him? I'm sure there are plenty of people in the club who could help her but for some reason it's your DH she's inappropriately singling out. Why is she even going out for cyclists drinks if she hasn't got a bike yet?

WaterOffaDucksCrack · 02/07/2018 06:51

Well if she's the type to go after married men you've just made this into a game for her I'd say!

whatsmynametoday · 02/07/2018 07:02

OMG I ask my male friends and female friends from club for training plans/tips ... depending on what I'm training for and their knowledge.. clearly this means I want to shag them all. I've even been cycling with just one guy from club.. cos we were training for the same event. Obviously really we were shagging 🙄.

I also have banter with people from club about nights out - your dh probably made a joke about dancing and that's where her comment came from. It doesn't mean she wants to jump him.

You sound like a bit of a psycho and you'll be a bit of a laughing stock if she lets slip what you sent

OneStepSideways · 02/07/2018 07:09

At least you made your feelings clear and frightened her off! It's done now so I'd forget about whether it was right or wrong. Just keep an eye on things.

AnotherDayAnotherName745 · 02/07/2018 07:16

I love how people modify the facts on here to fit their view! The OP said
woman asking if he was going for the cyclists drink..

But a few pages later it had become:
She was only ever after one thing.'Fancy meeting for drinks?' You best believe you needed to police that friendship

An actual QUOTE of this woman saying something completely different! You can't just make stuff up, its actually lying Hmm

Gabilan · 02/07/2018 08:52

You can't keep a man faithful by warning off other women

Yes, that. Whether or not she was interested is a moot point - it's whether or not he might have been tempted you need to worry about.

FuckPants · 02/07/2018 09:02

You're so far over the line you'd need the Hubble telescope to see it OP.

ZoeWashburne · 02/07/2018 09:06

This is so cringey.

Seriously, your Dh could have replied "Sorry, busy with my family. Also, I don't do personal training but talk to Andrew at the club, he may know people." And that would have ended it.

Instead you look like a total loon and made your DH look like an impotent child.

gingerbread88 · 02/07/2018 09:25

Maybe I am naive but I truly can't see what was inappropriate. Maybe there is a back story and he has history for being unfaithful or inappropriate friendships through his cycling group but I can only take it on face value given the information which has been presented. Those facts are:
Cycling lady did NOT ask out her husband for a one to one drink, she made a joke comment on a public group about wanting to see his dancing on the next group night out (I could make the same joke about any number of male members of my hobby group where there are male and female members who do not want to jump each other) I just can't see anything predatory in that comment.
She asked for help with a training plan. Pretty standard thing to ask other club members for help with a training plan if you aren't as experienced as others. I didn't see she was wanting to go on one to one romantic bike rides with him?
Where are people getting the info that she asked him out for a drink from?!
The only thing that has maybe, just maybe made me think (and I'm scraping the barrel here) is that she hadn't purchased said bike yet. Is it that she is already a member of the cycling group and is upgrading her current bike or switching it, or is she completely brand new?!
Some people are just friendly and a bit like that, male or female. It's what happens when you are part of an activity hobby group in my experience.
I hope he gave you permission to txt her to warn her off and if not it doesn't cause major rows between the two of you. I also hope that it hasn't caused friction within the cycling group and made things awkward.
What did she reply back to you?
Maybe you do have a sixth sense and fair enough if there's more to it but I just can't get that impression from the info you have given in your post. Sorry

MoonFaced · 02/07/2018 09:27

Yes you have been unfair. I presume you trust your dh, in which case you had no reason to tell her to back off because either he would do it himself or he would continue to ignore the messages. There is only a problem with her messaging him if you don't trust him, in which case you have a bigger problem in your relationship than a random woman's messages. Don't get me wrong, I wouldn't like it if a woman messaged my dh in this way, but I would never contact the woman in question as I would trust my dh to do the right thing.

A number of years ago a woman that my dh knew from school sent a message to my dh asking "how do I look? Wink" and then a photo of her in a bikini. It made my blood boil because it was clear from his Facebook account that he was married. He ignored the message. I didn't mention I'd seen the message because I didn't see the point in having an argument about something that was out of his control. It took willpower not to tell her to eff off but ultimately it was his problem to deal with. Also, from the woman's pov surely it looks like you've chased her away rather than him making it clear that it's unwanted attention.

How has you dh reacted to you messaging her?

ChocolateDoll · 02/07/2018 09:37

Oh hec, what’s driving this OP?

Is there a background that makes you so unreasonably insecure, or do you maybe have control issues?

The obvious reactions here are:

  1. a furious husband who may well now be considering the future of your marriage.
  2. a gobsmacked cyclist lady who now knows you have a very shaky marriage and will either pity you or laugh about you with her mates (depending on her nature).
Hauskat · 02/07/2018 09:46

If someone had written similarly to my husband it would cross my mind to wonder if she fancied him. But people are allowed to fancy him! It's up to him to make a boundary which it actually sounds like yours did by not responding. It's also entirely possible for men and women to get on well and be friends and not up to you to police his friendships. That really is controlling and has made you look very insecure to the other woman. Ultimately she doesn't matter at all but you need to have a serious heart to heart with your husband about why you feel the way you do and apologise a lot.

Hauskat · 02/07/2018 09:49

Also consider the effect having this attitude could be having on him. This action of yours is going to make it harder for him to enjoy his hobby and so works to isolate him. Do you want him to be lonely and miserable? Because that is not the way to protect your marriage.

moodance · 02/07/2018 09:54

If another woman was texting my DH these messages ... innocent or not I would not be best pleased. OP you haven't done anything wrong apart from invade your DH privacy ... if a male texted you the messages how would your DH feel?

I don't think it was appropriate for the woman to text your DH ... if it was in a groups text and she was saying she was looking forward to drinks and dancing with all ... then that's a different situation.

If and when you see the woman at the school gates ... say nothing ...

midnightmisssuki · 02/07/2018 09:57

Are you not coming back op - realised youve made yourself look awful and your husband henpecked? If i were him - i would be putting a lock on my phone from now on. If i were you i would do damage control and apologise to the woman - she must think your nuts. And your daughter really shouldnt be looking at her fathers messages.

runsmidgeOMG · 02/07/2018 09:58

I'm married and have plenty of Male friends. Most of them I meet through work, one I'm always on hand to listen to his relationship woes, another I've recently set up with my best friend aaaand finally the third I met his wife and now WE are really close, and now godmother to their child !!

This could have been totally innocent OP but you didn't give it a chance to find out :(

MadMags · 02/07/2018 10:00

but I texted her back pointing out the fact that my daughter had seen the message ( true) and that it probably wasn't too appropriate to be asking for my husband's services when he had family and commitments.

And has her bunny reached boiling yet, or is it just simmering?

If my DH did this to me I’d dump his arse. And if this was the other way around, everyone here would be telling you to leave your controlling, abusive husband...

Even the way you refer to him as “another woman’s husband” is fucking weird. He doesn’t belong to you!

This can’t be real!

If it is though, please tell me where he purchased this magic phone you can use in the shower...

SomeKnobend · 02/07/2018 10:03

Marmalade she hasn’t even got a bike yet! She’s clearly angling for a bit o’ cock.
^This. Exactly this.

I think you did the right thing, but I think your husband should have done it first, and I'd be asking why he didn't, and why the fuck he's given her his phone number and the impression he might do a "training program" for her.