To be angry with my DH for losing our toddler?

[Mumisa]

My DS is two, my DH took him to a park with a splash pool. DH went with DS because he was wearing shorts and I was in jeans. I sat about 15ft away with our shoes and bags. I watched and took photos and even thought should I keep an eye on DS but then said to myself no it’s fine DH is right with him. So I had a browse on my phone.

A few minutes go by and DH comes up to me and asks where is DS, I asked what did he mean and proceeded to very loudly panic. I ran around shouting for DS looking in the water (plenty deep enough to drown in). My DH told me to calm down but was mostly stood around. A kind lady asked us what he looked like I was so afraid I could only repeat he’s two find him. Just then a lady found him in the park cafe next to the pool. I was so so relieved.

My DH was calm and acted as though I had overreacted and made a scene. He said I was childish and acted like a child and he had only taken his eyes off DS for a second. I am very angry and upset. DH has not apologised.

AIBU to expect an apology or should I have been watching DS too? DH has previously taken DS out on his own and I have trusted him but now feel worried.

He is a dick. What was he doing that allowed DS to get lost in the first place?

You both should've been watching him.
What was DH doing, though? How come he didn't notice ds walking off

YANBU

I would be livid with DH, not for taking his eyes off him for a second, which is irresponsible in that context but is understandable and forgivable, but for his reaction ever since. He should have panicked and done his best to find him. He should have apologised. Frankly accusing you of overreacting is fucking out of order.

YABU

You are both responsible!

It happens, and it will happen again, that’s just life with kids. He probably feels bad, you over reacted.

Well I think you should be upset at the two of you.
You both made the wrong decision. You decided to see your phone and husband was distracted.
Why should DH apologise? Put it down as a leaning experience and enjoy the rest of the day.
It's such a horrible feeling but I'm sure you aren't going to take your eyes off your DS.

If my dp was with ds I wouldn’t expect to need to watch him too. You weren’t the one meant to supervise he was. Yanbu

I think you over reacted

How awful for you! You are right to be angry and upset! DH was supposed to be responsible and keep a close eye on DS. How often do you hear about a terrible tragedy where the parent only took their eyes off them for a second?
There was deep water which only makes it worse. I would have reacted exactly the same as you and I think DH needs to realise that he was in the wrong and he was bloody lucky it didn’t end badly.
So glad your little one is ok

YANBU especially as it was near water... whomever is nearest the child and interacting with them should be watching that they are safe... and if they arent able to do that then they should inform the other parent/whomever is caring for the child that they arent...
it grinds my gears how its always a mums responsibility sometimes even though she is miles away and the dad is right there...
You did not overreact... these things do happen and children get out of your sight, but for your DH to accept no responsibility for the situation and act like it was completely fine.... that would make me livid... a simple 'sorry I lost sight of him' and assurances that he was actually trying to watch out for him and I wouldnt be angry with him but its the assuming that you will always be watching out for the child even when he is the one actually interacting with and close to the child would really really make me angry

No you did not overreact, your son was in very real danger. And one adult supervising ought to be enough. You should be able to sit down for 5 minutes without watching. My dh took our 2 year old to the sea shore the other day should I have been watching constantly even when he's with dh?

LTB. That was plenty of time for your DS to drown. It only takes 20 secinds and usually silent

"He mostly stood around", "He said I was childish and acted like a child".

I wouldn't let him take your dc near water again, unsupervised. He's the childish one not taking seriously how fucking awful this could have turned out. Drowning only takes a few minutes. His attitude sounds shit.

A hysterical response from you isn’t going to do anything to help either though. as hard as it is calm and collected is much more helpful!

With the best will in the world these things happen to any parent.

I don’t understand why posters are saying you should have watched him. Your DP took him away to play and assumed responsibility - in theory DP should be fully competent at looking after his DS without you needing to back him up.

I’d be angry too, but mostly because his attitude to you towards the situation.

DH was with him in the water I don’t really get how he lost sight of DS tbh. I will not be letting DS out of my sight again, such a dreadful feeling

I mean if we go to the park as a family and my DH has gone on some play equipment with our son I dont sit there watching like a hawk... because hes a responsible adult whom I can and should be able to trust to keep our child safe..... and so I would feel fine to look at my phone or get out my book
I would expect him to let me know/come back across with our son if he wanted me to supervise... not just wander off and assume id be watching at all times and telepathically know that he had stopped watching

I understand that panic it's the worst feeling but it happens quite easily, it doesn't mean DH was being totally useless, my son (not DD) has done this twice, one I looked away while paying at a till and once a park that was so busy I lost sight of him- whilst actively 'watching'....

Your DH was prob just as worried

There's often a problem when responsibility is shared. Here I think the OP is NBU because in her mind the responsibility was entirely with her DH. Who was being entirely irresponsible and ridiculous.

that's harsh regin. The father was the parent supervising, and what is more supervising in water. HIs responsibility is the greatest. HE should have had eye or physical contact with the child at all time.

I don't know how to explain his behaviour afterwards, if I was kind I would say he is deeply shocked at what could have happened and is feeling guilty but unable to express it, maybe he is not used to supervising the child and did not realise how quickly they can get away from you. OR he is an unimaginative idiot with no empathy. One or the other, or something in between.

I understand your panic.
I read a good idea for anyone with a toddler. Take a photo of the child so if he or she gets lost you have an accurate photo on your phone showing the child and the clothers he or she is wearing. This can be a great way to show people who is lost..

'Your DH was prob just as worried'

well yeah these things happen... ive lost sight of my son before... the issue is that that the DH completely doesnt seem to get that he was actually supposed to be watching the child or that the OP wouldnt be...
it doesnt point to him being just as worried, in fact quite the opposite which is what is alarming

I think his response here is what I would be mad about.

In water I'd be very careful to keep an eye on a toddler! It sounds to me like he knows he's messed up, so is minimising the possible consequences of his actions.

Normal to panic! Who wouldn't?

But I think you're both to blame as you assumed he was in charge and he assumed you were supervising too. Always best to hand over responsibility if you're going to take a break, especially near water, as toddlers are so fast. The parent on duty needs to have eyes on all the time and ideally stay within a few metres. Also if the child makes his way back to you and dad thinks you're watching, it's easy to lose track of them.

I would be furious with him. You were both present but as DH was the one in the pool with your son he should have taken full responsibility for supervising him. YANBU.