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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be angry with my DH for losing our toddler?

245 replies

Mumisa · 30/06/2018 16:23

My DS is two, my DH took him to a park with a splash pool. DH went with DS because he was wearing shorts and I was in jeans. I sat about 15ft away with our shoes and bags. I watched and took photos and even thought should I keep an eye on DS but then said to myself no it’s fine DH is right with him. So I had a browse on my phone.

A few minutes go by and DH comes up to me and asks where is DS, I asked what did he mean and proceeded to very loudly panic. I ran around shouting for DS looking in the water (plenty deep enough to drown in). My DH told me to calm down but was mostly stood around. A kind lady asked us what he looked like I was so afraid I could only repeat he’s two find him. Just then a lady found him in the park cafe next to the pool. I was so so relieved.

My DH was calm and acted as though I had overreacted and made a scene. He said I was childish and acted like a child and he had only taken his eyes off DS for a second. I am very angry and upset. DH has not apologised.

AIBU to expect an apology or should I have been watching DS too? DH has previously taken DS out on his own and I have trusted him but now feel worried.

OP posts:
Charolais · 30/06/2018 18:51

If there is a time for panic it when you lose your toddler.

Echobelly · 30/06/2018 18:52

I know it's scary, but I think it's just one of those things. I totally get your panic, and it may be DH was minimising things because he got a scare too/was feeling a bit guilty and didn't want to admit it. So YANBU in your reaction at the time, but I think it's probably best to let it go.

Sweetandkind · 30/06/2018 18:57

Your dh sounds like mine! He never really feels fully responsible. On holiday we had a deal where we'd swap watching the dcs. Only he'd read a book while occasionally looking up at our 2 unders 5s in the hotels kids pool. That was it, there was never a my turn to relax after that, he just couldn't understand the danger. Same with sun cream. Always said i was over the top . When one of them did go slightly pink he asked me 'how did that happen?'. Some men, not all, really take risks with dcs without realising, til its too late...

NameChange30 · 30/06/2018 18:59

@Sweetandkind
Angry
I wouldn’t let my DH get away with that.
Shockingly selfish and lazy parenting.

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 30/06/2018 19:02

Why are posters saying 'your child too'?
The husband took the child off to the water.

SoddingUnicorns · 30/06/2018 19:04

Because in MN world it’s always the woman’s fault, we couldn’t possibly expect a man to be a proper parent. Confused

Weird.

BillywilliamV · 30/06/2018 19:04

You have no business being on your phone when you are out with your family!

SeriousSimon · 30/06/2018 19:05

IMO the most dangerous type of parent is the arrogant This would never happen to me parent.

It could. Because you're human.

You probably will be with your dc somewhere, at sometime and a loud bang or a scream or flash of light or 100 other things WILL make you look away suddenly for a few seconds.

And the only thing saving you from the horror of realising your toddler has vanished in those 8 seconds is luck.

prayerforasungod · 30/06/2018 19:06

Losing your child near water (when you shouldn't take your eye off them for a second) and losing your child for a moment in a park are two completely different things.

Your DH needs education about water safety, OP. He might understand your reaction then.

Collaborate · 30/06/2018 19:10

As a man, I often feel that there are double standards on some of these threads but not in this instance. He was poolside. He should have kept an eye on your son at all times. No excuses. It takes a couple of seconds for a child to go in the water, then under. I hope he's had a shock, and has learned from it.

Sweetandkind · 30/06/2018 19:12

Namechange i agree! Trouble is, when he says his really keeping an eye, but i can tell he's not, i can't take the risk. There was plenty of arguing but he just never really took responsibility. He'd 'forget'. He once left our then 6 month old in her pram in a shop in spain! Id taken toddler to the loo. We met up 10 minutes later and i said '"where's 'baby". The look on his face as he ran back to the shop...I honestly think he just always viewed me as the one the dealt with everything while he zoned in and out.

Yogagirl123 · 30/06/2018 19:14

Yes it has happened to us, both myself and DH along with MIL on one occasion, DS2 was a proper Houdini! He’s a teen now and too big to lose. But very scary when they are little, but your son is safe now and be thankful for that.

SoddingUnicorns · 30/06/2018 19:15

I honestly think he just always viewed me as the one the dealt with everything while he zoned in and out

Do you ever get any time on your own without the kids?

sockunicorn · 30/06/2018 19:15

"for a second" is all it takes. I suggest you buy him Denise Fergus' (Bulgers) book and then see if he stands around as calmly next time.

Kool4katz · 30/06/2018 19:16

When we were on holiday, my DH briefly lost our DS near water. DS was about 2 and had bolted off away from the playground and ran alongside a canal. DH can't swim so besides running after him was panicking about what to do if DS fell in.
He didn't admit it for more than 3 years until we visited the same spot again.
I'm glad he didn't tell me to be honest, because I'd have been a nightmare to live with for the following 6 months at least.

snewname · 30/06/2018 19:19

I think we've all probably lost our kids at some point. You shouldn't have to watch him if he's with a responsible adult. It's his lack of remorse that is worrying, especially given the water proximity.

PorkFlute · 30/06/2018 19:23

If your dh came and asked where your ds was then clearly he thought you were also watching. Seems like a misunderstanding to me where you thought dh was fully responsible and he thought you were both watching so maybe got talking to someone or something.
I would take it as a lesson learned. If I’m going to sit and chill at the park etc I always used to make that clear to dh so he knew he was the only one on duty and he did the same when the kids were little.

Sweetandkind · 30/06/2018 19:25

Soddingunicorns they're older now. I got time to myself once they were at school. I couldn't work full time because his job was too inflexible (it wasn't) to do any school takes, pick ups, holidays or poorly kids. I've worked 25 hours at week so i can still do the sahm role 🤔

SoddingUnicorns · 30/06/2018 19:27

@Sweetandkind you must be exhausted! I’m a SAHM because my kids are autistic and also DPs hours prevent me having anything concrete (he’s a spark on jobs as and when) but at least I know he can take the kids to give me a break.
I take my hat off to you!

YearOfYouRemember · 30/06/2018 19:29

Most people have lost sight of their child at some point. The issue here is that your dh didn't do anything once he'd passed the news to you that your DS was missing - passed over responsibility - but to then blame you, be worried more about the perceived scene in front of strangers and not seemingly to have been overly bothered. All that is what would seriously piss me off.

gillybeanz · 30/06/2018 19:30

I would be angry t his reaction tbh.
Of course it's reasonable to keep calm, but in cases of missing children reason goes out of the window, especially near water.
My dh couldn't apologise enough when he took his eye of ds2 many years ago. By normalising it you are likely to make the same mistake again.
Owning up to being wrong and mortified, usually learns the person a vital lesson.
I couldn't trust him again tbh.

RedRedBluee · 30/06/2018 19:37

He is very very unreasonable. Yanbu in the slightest.
I think he was embarrassed by your reaction because it made him look bad.

PollyChockola · 30/06/2018 19:41

“You're dh isn’t an arse,nor is he uncaring.we all respond to crisis differently
Some inviduals it sheer adrenaline,energy & emotion. Others it’s process,calmer and methodical.
Both approaches have benefits. The adrenaline,energy approach galvanises people and is immediate
The methodological approach can instill confidence and is ordered
Clearly you both process differently and that’s fine.neither approach is preferential
However don’t assume he doesn’t care because he’s not agitated”

Spot on, a post with some reason :)

OP, YANBU to be upset and feel how you feel. But I believe you massively overreacted and your DH, for better or worse, was embarrassed by your behaviour. So now he’s purposely remaining cool about it so as not to inflame the situation any further.

The fact that you say you could barely say anything useful just makes you sound like a bit of a drama llama. As much as you think DH is a liability for it happening in the first place, in his shoes I’d be worrying even more about your reaction as it would make me think that if an accident did happen or he went missing again you’d be unable to cope/function/do what’s necessary to manage the situation and keep him safe. I know that sounds harsh but I’d bet my bottom dollar if you ask him, that’s what he’s thinking.

WowLookAtYou · 30/06/2018 19:47

He is responsible for this. But not sure why he has to apologise to you? that implies that you are the boss and in overall charge. He's your son's parent too.

PollyChockola · 30/06/2018 19:52

Very good point WowLookAtYou.