To be angry with my DH for losing our toddler?

[Mumisa]

My DS is two, my DH took him to a park with a splash pool. DH went with DS because he was wearing shorts and I was in jeans. I sat about 15ft away with our shoes and bags. I watched and took photos and even thought should I keep an eye on DS but then said to myself no it’s fine DH is right with him. So I had a browse on my phone.

A few minutes go by and DH comes up to me and asks where is DS, I asked what did he mean and proceeded to very loudly panic. I ran around shouting for DS looking in the water (plenty deep enough to drown in). My DH told me to calm down but was mostly stood around. A kind lady asked us what he looked like I was so afraid I could only repeat he’s two find him. Just then a lady found him in the park cafe next to the pool. I was so so relieved.

My DH was calm and acted as though I had overreacted and made a scene. He said I was childish and acted like a child and he had only taken his eyes off DS for a second. I am very angry and upset. DH has not apologised.

AIBU to expect an apology or should I have been watching DS too? DH has previously taken DS out on his own and I have trusted him but now feel worried.

Haven’t we all lost a child momentarily?

In water? No.

*Haven’t we all lost a child momentarily?

In water? No.*

Exactly.

TBH Graphista that's the worst advice I've ever seen on MN

You posted that it is not always possible to watch children. It is my opinion that anyone who lets a child who cannot swim to play around water without CONSTANT and VIGILANT supervision is negligent in the extreme. It's ridiculous. You don't let your kids around water when they can't swim without being with them every step of the way.

I had a garden pond filled in when I had DD. Totally ridiculous to let her toddle around - who knows when a door might carelessly be left open.

I think comparisons to momentarily losing sight of a toddler in a park, or a supermarket are a bit ridiculous to be honest.

The danger level of losing a small child in a body of water is akin to letting them run across a fucking main road, not the same at all as the comparisons.

I think you over reacted

There's no such thing when your child goes missing.
It can all go so horribly wrong within minutes. We've all read the stories and no one expects their kid to be the statistic.

OP, you reacted the way any loving mum would. I lost DC1 for about 10 minutes when he was 5. Ten minutes is no time at all, until you lose a child for that length. Then it becomes an eternity.

Your DH is playing it too cool and at least owes you a hug and a "Shit that was a bit scary."

Not your fault! Blimey he was in water with him he is responsible. It’s different at checkout if children are at your feet and your are packing paying and other wise distracted for seconds. There should be nothing else to do in water apart from watch and be close by especially for non swimmers.

The father took the child off to play in the pool - why on earth should she have been watching over them both? I wasn't aware taking a child to a water park was a two adult minimum activity. If this was a mother who lost their child no-one would be saying her husband should have been supervising them both. He's a grown adult who should be responsible enough to care for his child. He fucked up. But having read these comments I can see why he thinks he doesn't have to feel bad. There was a wife in the vicinity. Her fault. Somehow.

It's realistic. Yes vigilance is hugely important especially near/in water. But the world is imperfect.

Yes you plan to supervise fully and NOT lose children but IF they're lost you need a plan for that too.

My advice is based on over 30 years of minding children - not just my own - including in/near waterways, forests, cliffs, moors...

I've lost children very occasionally, but none of them came to any harm.

I would be beyond livid with my husband in this situation. He was with DS, he was responsible for him. Just does not bear thinking about what could have happened.
His reaction since is almost as bad!

OP, does your DH normally turn things back on you when HE has fucked up?

Im slightly confused - the child wasn't in the splash pool - so lost but not drowned - unless it was a huge splash pool

I've had that panic. Dh would be the calm one because he has a quiet panic inside thing going on.

He was probably being defensive. I'd just be happy the worst didn't happen.

Let’s be clear the child wasn’t found alone in water,wasn’t immersed wasn’t wet
Child was found in a cafe adjacent to a pool.
Yes be aware of risk,minimise it,plan for eventualities.but can’t live by what ifs

Graphista if you're a normal person I'm guessing you've very rarely (if ever) lost a 2 year old (which is quite different to a 5 year old in these examples) near a cliff edge, a body of water or a main road. Because you naturally and instinctively watch closer in those situations.

It only takes a second to be fair for toddler to disappear. So lesson learnt for both of you.

Also agree that your husband probably felt guilty and was being defensive about it by telling you (and himself) that it was no big deal.

OP, does your DH normally turn things back on you when HE has fucked up?

Really, right? This what I was thinking. He wants to stand about and scan the crowd and tell the OP to calm down like it's nothing. Doubt he'd have taken the blame if he hadn't been found quickly, police arrive, people looking everywhere. He'd have probably wanted the OP to take the blame for not watching then too?

This thread is batshit fucking crazy. Op os not responsible for watching her son when her hisband has taken him to the water. And she did not overreact to a missing toddler near water deep enough to drown in. Christ some of this blaming the mother for the fathers mistake is a disgrace. Accidents happen and can be fatal. Ots a big deal. I'm not saying ltb but he needs to be more bloody aware of where his child is and not patronise the op.

What a lot of made up tosh Troels
You have no idea how both parents would have reacted had it escalated to police
Being the more visibly worked up parent is a better or more worthy approach. It isn’t
As I said we all process and react differently.

So your DP and toddler were in the splash pool, you are sat 15ft away?

Your DP then looses sight of toddler, comes all the way over to you to see if you've seen him (even though he was with toddler and you weren't) and he then makes you feel like you're overreacting?

I'd be fucking livid.

I think your reaction was way over the top running around shouting not able to speak what help is getting hysterical.

Children do get lost it happens your dh done the right thing keeping his calm and coming to ask if u seen him instead of running around shouting.

I don't think he needs to apologise about losing him since it was an accident or telling you your over reacting since you clearly did.

Being the more visibly worked up parent is not a better or more worthy approach. It isn’t

YANBU. He was the one in the water so he was responsible. Any other thread would be telling you to let your DH take over and you didn’t have to worry about watching.

You did the right thing. The current meme going around on Facebook says when you lose a child to immediately shout for them and get everyone noticing. If someone has taken them in that first few minutes you want everyone looking for them before they get out the area. I’d shout as well.

I think it's DH's reaction more than anything else. He was obviously minimizing and criticizing the OP's behaviour because he knew he'd done wrong.

The danger of losing your child near water cannot be overstated IMO

My DH told me to calm down but was mostly stood around

Being the more visibly worked up parent is not a better or more worthy approach. It isn’t

No, it’s not, but actually looking for the lost child might have been a start!