To be angry with my DH for losing our toddler?

[Mumisa]

My DS is two, my DH took him to a park with a splash pool. DH went with DS because he was wearing shorts and I was in jeans. I sat about 15ft away with our shoes and bags. I watched and took photos and even thought should I keep an eye on DS but then said to myself no it’s fine DH is right with him. So I had a browse on my phone.

A few minutes go by and DH comes up to me and asks where is DS, I asked what did he mean and proceeded to very loudly panic. I ran around shouting for DS looking in the water (plenty deep enough to drown in). My DH told me to calm down but was mostly stood around. A kind lady asked us what he looked like I was so afraid I could only repeat he’s two find him. Just then a lady found him in the park cafe next to the pool. I was so so relieved.

My DH was calm and acted as though I had overreacted and made a scene. He said I was childish and acted like a child and he had only taken his eyes off DS for a second. I am very angry and upset. DH has not apologised.

AIBU to expect an apology or should I have been watching DS too? DH has previously taken DS out on his own and I have trusted him but now feel worried.

Yanbu. Your DH should have been responsible enough to watch him. Same thing happened with my DH years ago, I never trusted him again, not while the kids were little anyway.

Well I would have reacted the same OP. So IMO YANBU.

Honestly, DH was responsible at that point for him. I have had a few incidences like this with my DH and now I say ‘you’ve got DD yeah? I’m going to x’. He should have been looking after him and for him to wander off like that- would have taken his eyes off him for longer than a 2nd. I would have been livid too.

It takes seconds to snatch a child and before I’m made a mockery of for being ‘uptight’ by the oh so relaxed MN- it happens and who would be blamed? The parents. For not watching them. I admit it thankfully does not happen a lot, but it does. So does drowning.

YANBU
You should be able to trust your DH to keep his child safe. What if you'd not even been there? He needs to take responsibility.

Yes kids can vanish in seconds and it's terrifying but his reaction makes him sound like a complete arse. If he doesn't see that and apologise then I'd be questioning the future.

Your child too..

It's happened to me before. I suppose I'm irresponsible and shouldn't be allowed to parent my children ever again

How can you lose a toddler in a pool area?

If I take a toddler swimming then I am never more than 18 inches away!

YANBU and i think it's completely understandable that you'd panic, it's not like you can control your response to something so frightening. If my 2 year old was with my DH then I'd know he had full responsibility for keeping eyes on at all times, if he needed to do something else then he'd alert me and we'd switch. In water he should not have taken his eyes off him for a second, he was in the water with him so he was the adult in charge. He should not have assumed you would be watching their every move.

You are both responsible. Don't just direct your anger at your DH. Phones and tech are a nightmare when eyes should be on little ones.

Fatty it's not purely the losing sight of a toddler, it's losing him in/near water and his behaviour afterwards.
I think the OP needs to talk to her DP now the child is safe, and talk about it. Losing the child was bad, but happens. His behaviour afterwards, standing around, calling OP childish etc needs to be discussed. If it was out of panic then I can sort of understand it with an apology. If he actually thinks like that then not sure what you can do...

Why should both have been watching? Have I fallen into the twilight zone where if one parent takes a child to a paddling pool the other should automatically watch because the parent with the child is incapable?

I don’t think you overreacted OP, he had your son, he lost sight of him in water. Fucking ridiculous thing to do.

It’s ridiculous to say that both should be watching him - the parent with the child should be responsible.

It is important to officially hand over responsibility so that it’s clear who’s in charge (in case your DH is an idiot who doesn’t assume its him even when it’s obvious) - when our family are watching the children we pass them off to each other verbally because otherwise it’s confusing (mixture of ages and one child with SN).

Cannot believe the poster that said you were overreacting. The child is only 2 and close to water ffs I am a pretty relaxed parent but that would shake me to my core.

I don’t get how he lost sight of him. Did he pop to the loo or the cafe, which would be a really bad decision, and not fess up? Or was he sitting by the edge while ds happily played in shallow water, got distracted somehow and ds wandered off? Which is also a bad decision. I’d expect to be right by a 2 year old in that situation.

If I took my toddler into a splash pool I wouldn't expect my husband, sitting watching out bags, to be the one supervising him. That would be me - the one with him.

I suspect that it is only becuase it was the mum sitting down that she has been landed with the responsibility for losing the toddler.

I also don't get people thinking she overreacted. they were near watrer - it only takes a minute for a child to slip underwater and drown unnoticed. Standing around saying "calm down" isn't a great response to finding a toddler in these circumstances.

And why would anyone think he was just as upset as the OP when he told her off for her reaction and called her childish.

YANBU. I would not be happy - at his reaction after more than losing the toddler.

I think DH got distracted, but he must have looked away for more than a second for DS to get that far

You're dh isn’t an arse,nor is he uncaring.we all respond to crisis differently
Some inviduals it sheer adrenaline,energy & emotion. Others it’s process,calmer and methodical.
Both approaches have benefits. The adrenaline,energy approach galvanises people and is immediate
The methodological approach can instill confidence and is ordered
Clearly you both process differently and that’s fine.neither approach is preferential
However don’t assume he doesn’t care because he’s not agitated

Anyone can make a mistake but he seems unwilling to admit he made a mistake. In fact he is passing the responsibility back to you.

You should be able to take a break and look at your phone.

Was DH aware he was in sole charge of watching Ds or did he think you both were? We tend to tag team so we are really clear when we tag out. I'll tell DH that I'm focusing on something else, walking away etc and literally tell him that he is in charge now. It sounds over complicated but it means I can relax and switch off and he knows that he is fully responsible for watching dd.

I lost my toddler in supermarket, turned to pay.in that time gone.out of eyesight
I’m a conscientious,able responsibile adult and in a few seconds my child was gone
Staff helped me look,tannoy announcements,public calling my kids name.felt like hours was minutes. Found at front door of store
It can happen to anyone. So all the halo polishers need to calm diwn

Actually it sounds like you both panicked (understandably) you responded outwardly, him inwardly.

Some fight (get angry), some flight (run around looking for child) some freeze (he mostly just stood around).

I'm guessing it was busy there? Not an excuse, the person responsible needs to take that into account. But children getting lost is common.

Instead of "we must NEVER let this happen again, must watch him ALL the time" which honestly isn't possible or healthy, plan what to do IF it happens again-

Check pool first
Alert any life guards/staff available
Enlist other adults to help (these days we can even take a pic of child that day which can be useful)
Once pool ruled out gradually widen search area. First checking places most attractive to child of X age.
Teach child to NEVER hide or wander off from parents. When they get old enough to understand (which is younger than you think) reach them what to do if they find themselves lost.
Use things like wristbands with your phone no on

Getting angry with and blaming each other achieves nothing.

Hope you're both feeling calmer and less panicked now. It is a HORRIBLE feeling - but he's safe now and came to no harm.

YANBU!
You only need one parent to be looking after the toddler (single parents don’t constantly lose their children ) so it’s entirely reasonable for OP to have some downtime with a phone or book while her DH is supervising.
I have to say that thanks to threads on MN like this though DH and I always do some kind of verbal handover even if it’s just to shout ‘incoming!’ to the off duty parent as
toddler DS hurtles towards them.

YANBU.

It's this sort of scenario which is why I always do an explicit 'handover' to dh with dd (also 2) - checking that he understands he is supervising on his own now. Tbf we have two much older children as well as her and dh has never lost any of them, but it's very very easy to get distracted.

OP - you were not over reacting at all.

We are talking about a little toddler, near water. A child that age can drown in a puddle.

Your DH was with your son, he should have been watching him. I would have been furious too, how can he be so casual about a precious child?!?!

Ridiculous to say BOTH should have been watching him. Why?! One parent took responsibility and went into the water with him and one sat further away with their belongings. Your DH is a dick, you didn't overreact AT ALL. MN is SO weird these days.

Haven’t we all lost a child momentarily? It happens but all is well.

"It can happen to anyone. So all the halo polishers need to calm down"

Totally agree. I've looked after many children and it is very easy to lose track very quickly. If minding children is something you do regularly you learn techniques to avoid it and a sort of 6th sense to a degree but some kids are wanderers/bolters.

I've yet to meet a parent that has NEVER lost a mobile child by the time that child reaches approx age 5.