To be angry with my DH for losing our toddler?

[Mumisa]

My DS is two, my DH took him to a park with a splash pool. DH went with DS because he was wearing shorts and I was in jeans. I sat about 15ft away with our shoes and bags. I watched and took photos and even thought should I keep an eye on DS but then said to myself no it’s fine DH is right with him. So I had a browse on my phone.

A few minutes go by and DH comes up to me and asks where is DS, I asked what did he mean and proceeded to very loudly panic. I ran around shouting for DS looking in the water (plenty deep enough to drown in). My DH told me to calm down but was mostly stood around. A kind lady asked us what he looked like I was so afraid I could only repeat he’s two find him. Just then a lady found him in the park cafe next to the pool. I was so so relieved.

My DH was calm and acted as though I had overreacted and made a scene. He said I was childish and acted like a child and he had only taken his eyes off DS for a second. I am very angry and upset. DH has not apologised.

AIBU to expect an apology or should I have been watching DS too? DH has previously taken DS out on his own and I have trusted him but now feel worried.

YABU

You are over reacting and angry with DH to try and shift the blame from the fact that you are BOTH responsible for your child.

Give the guy a break.

It's an absolute precise comparison

It matters not a jot whether the child is the child of millionaires or ordinary parents or abusive parents or illiterate migrants or whatever. The child's background is irrelevant - the point of comparison is the circumstance

The circumstance is that a child who could not swim was left unsupervised.

Unicorns what is/was your point?you see somewhat vexed
Let’s be clear the op child wasn’t found alone in water,wasn’t immersed wasn’t wet
Child was found in a cafe adjacent to a pool. Not in water

re miscommunication that he was expecting you to watch him too....

It reads to me, well you were watching him too so it is ok for me to keep my eyes off the ball and not be as careful because I’m expecting you to pick up the slack. So not taking full responsibility. It also means that somehow he isn’t feeling responsible ‘because you lost him too!!’
That’s not acceptable. Sorry.

Pearls,the op child was found in a cafe,not immersed in water not wet
Recalling a tragic but unrelated accident adds nothing to this.nadda

@LipstickHandbagCoffee I am vexed, at your arrogance of deciding what I meant.

Child was left in body of water by parent. Said parent didn’t walk around looking for him. Said parent then bollocked other parent deflecting all responsibility for his own failures. Therefore he’s being a dick.

You seem insistent that standing around doing fuck all while your kid is missing is a perfectly reasonable thing to do. Which it isn’t. Neither is being unable to tell anyone what he looks like/is wearing and being too panicked to talk, but you focused solely on OP and absolved her DH of any responsibility which is frankly ridiculous.

He may not have been found in the water, but he’d been left in the water.

And please, you don’t know it all despite your assertions so do try to reign in the urge to tell other adults what they think. It’s just rude and makes you look a bit silly.

Thesearepearls who said the child was unsupervised. Looking away or momentarily looking away from a child is not leaving a child unsupervised!

The case you are referring to the parents hadn't seen the kid for hours and were totally unconcerned!!! Massive massive difference to glancing away for a moment!!!

Rein not reign

Some of the replies on here seem very strange. Why should the OP have to supervise her DH supervising their child? Surely if one parent takes the child to an activity that parent is the one who should be watching the child.

Also saying panicking isn't helpful, well no it isn't but it's a reaction to a frightening situation and by it's very nature not something that is controllable. I don't imagine the OP seeing her child had gone missing in a potentially dangerous environment thought to herself, 'Ok I think a bit of panicking is called for here'.

Her DH standing around being calm and doing absolutely nothing probably wasn't very helpful either.

I would be livid with him. I’m astonished at all those who say you should both have been watching- the chikd’s Father took him to play in the water and took his eyes off him for long enough for him to exit the paddling pool and go to the cafe, he would have known exactly where he was the last moment he saw him yet his reaction was to amble over to you and ask “where is he?”. I agree with all the other posters who say that when a child that age is in water you literally do not take your eyes off him for a millisecond and stay close enough to scoop him up the moment he gets into difficulty. That is why one of you went with him rather than you both sitting at the edge watching. Your husband needs his arse kicked really hard and blaming you is beyond the pale. He is lying about only taking his eyes off him for a second.

Must be exhausting, what’s the point of having kids with them?

Trouble is you don't realise till after. I had to leave mine as the resentment and fear around not being able to trust him with my children actually made me mentally ill.

thinkingaboutfostering
Graphista couldn't agree more. Having a plan in place for all eventualities is the most important thing.

Absolutely! My 5 year old disappeared from our own garden. She'd never wandered off before, and the rules had been absolutely drummed into her. I was cooking tea in the kitchen and could see her from the window. Then, suddenly I couldn't.

Her older siblings were each given a room initially to search, moving out to the street. When she wasn't found in 15 mins we called the police.

2 hours later she was returned to us, safe and sound. She'd gone with a kid from up the road and was in their flat! I have no idea why she broke our rules that day. She never had before.

I was distraught, but holding it together and being able to give accurate descriptions, being able to say where she was last seen and when, is so important. Little things that could make a huge difference to the outcome.

I get OP is angry with her DH, and he's probably embarrassed that he lost sight of his kid. Recriminations and arguing won't help though. Probably best to sit down and work out a plan to prevent further scares and how best to react should it happen again.

YABU and I believe you over reacted which is understandable now as you had a horrible fright. But you should apologise to your DH.

These things happen. It's easy to hear a noise, glance over at what caught your attention (natural reaction) and for your pesky 2yo to vanish. I swear my 2yo is magic the way she moves sometimes!

I understand you were worried but you're reaction did not help the situation. You completely lost your head. Just because your DH didn't react in the same way as you doesn't mean he wasn't worried. He was still, probably scanning the place looking for your child whilst you flapped about.

You're DH should understand your worry/panic and not be so mean so he should apologise. You need to apologise for blaming him when these things can and do happen to all of us.

Unicorn stop grandstanding to prove your flimsy points
And disagreeing with you isn’t making things up,it’s simply disagreeing

who said the child was unsupervised

The OP did, if you were listening. The OP's DH lost sight of the child therefore he was unsupervised. We don't know how long the child was unsupervised for. Long enough for the OP's Dh to do his gormless stint and the OP to go nuts looking for him. Near water! FGS that's extreme lack of supervision for a 2YO. Plenty of time for the child to drown ten times over.

Child was left in body of water by parent no that’s not it
Left is an intentional oversight,to leave,be absent
This was a loss,unplanned,unforeseen event
Child was found in a cafe,not immersed in water,not in water, in a cafe

This wasn’t a left child.not at all

I don't think the OP was at all wrong at all to panic. Her H's retroactively springing responsibility on her once the child was already lost was supremely passive-aggressive and almost designed to make her adrenaline spike. Then making it about her "overreacting" was even shittier. She shouldn't have even needed to be in a position to react, but once he asked her to react (too late), of course she was going to over-react, simply to catch up. Really dick move.

How does anybody know that the child was left in the pool?

I'm pretty sure any decent Dad would have searched the pool before leaving it to look for his child.

@LipstickHandbagCoffee uh huh. You read my post, made up a completely different one underneath it and are still gibbering at me?

Away and have a lie down love, and whatever you’re drinking, I’d stop

Or carry on, you’re quite amusing. Either way, I’m not fussed.

You clearly are fussed given all the effort your putting in to berating me
making things up
gibbering
need to lie down
The Diet Coke is affecting me

YANBU OP.

He was with your child, he was responsible at the time for his safety around water. I don't think you over reacted, but I do think your DH is being a twat.

So your husband took him to play in/near water, lost sight of him(??!!) & then came back to you to ask where he is?

I have never heard anything so fucking irresponsible.

It’s awful but most people have lost one before, even me and I’m super super careful!! Would depend on the reason tbh. If he wasn’t paying attention then yes he needs to be told but if it was only that he took his eyes off him for a second and he was gone then I think you can be forgiven

I’m struggling to understand how it was hot enough to go to a splash park and you wore jeans😳

Apologies for the derail OP. I hope you’re ok, and I stand by YWNBU at all.