To be angry with my DH for losing our toddler?

[Mumisa]

My DS is two, my DH took him to a park with a splash pool. DH went with DS because he was wearing shorts and I was in jeans. I sat about 15ft away with our shoes and bags. I watched and took photos and even thought should I keep an eye on DS but then said to myself no it’s fine DH is right with him. So I had a browse on my phone.

A few minutes go by and DH comes up to me and asks where is DS, I asked what did he mean and proceeded to very loudly panic. I ran around shouting for DS looking in the water (plenty deep enough to drown in). My DH told me to calm down but was mostly stood around. A kind lady asked us what he looked like I was so afraid I could only repeat he’s two find him. Just then a lady found him in the park cafe next to the pool. I was so so relieved.

My DH was calm and acted as though I had overreacted and made a scene. He said I was childish and acted like a child and he had only taken his eyes off DS for a second. I am very angry and upset. DH has not apologised.

AIBU to expect an apology or should I have been watching DS too? DH has previously taken DS out on his own and I have trusted him but now feel worried.

Fully half of this thread is composed of irresponsible parents

or even more worryingly - irresponsible childminders

DO NOT LET CHILDREN WHO CANNOT SWIM CLOSE TO WATER WITHOUT CONSTANT SUPERVISION

DS is safe now OP and your DH fully deserves the almighty bollocking he is getting. Why did he lose track? What was he thinking of?

Christ so many of you hooked up with and stay with such irresponsible people that they cannot be trusted to supervise their own child and now have to make sure you over see them.

Must be exhausting, what’s the point of having kids with them?

Again that’s the high expressed emotion is best theory,one must be running to be really worried
Was the dh thinking..when did I last see ds?what was he wearing?shall I call police?

@LipstickHandbagCoffee you’re making things up now, I never said any of that. How odd that you managed to extrapolate all that from my comment!

Running? No, not necessary. But walking about might have been a start, you know, to find the child?

Was the dh thinking..when did I last see ds?what was he wearing?shall I call police?

"should I be looking for him?"

Charlie Dunn was a child known to Social service on the CP register
Charlie Parents were known to c&f and there were preexisting dysfunction in family
It is in no way comparable to this.and I’m baffled why you draw comparison

It was very irresponsible of your DH to not closely supervise your toddler, especially in water.
I'd be very upset about his lack of reaction and trying to make out you're unreasonable when he's completely in the wrong.

It can happen to anyone but he should be mortified with the thought of what could have happened on his watch. He should understand how you feel. I would not be angry for his error but for his lack of realisation, Unless he does he cant be trusted to watch him. For most of us a near miss focusses the mind.

I had not heard of the Charlie Dunn case so I googled it

It seems to me to be exactly parallel to the OP's situation. Child who could not swim left unsupervised around water.

Yes his parents were inadequate, but surely the OP's husband has been inadequate in this situation

Link here www.leicestermercury.co.uk/news/leicester-news/inadequate-parents-charlie-dunn-sentenced-953935

@Thesearepearls there was a pattern of neglect with Charlie Dunn, poor wee soul, and they left him for a significant period of time which (much as I think OPs husband is a twat) doesn’t seem to have been the case here.

I can't believe the people saying OP is just as responsible for watching their son when her DH was the only one who went in the water with him! My DH would be deeply insulted if he thought I didn't trust him to care for our son by himself and felt I had to sit and watch like a hawk.

And while small children are speedy and can do alarmingly fast vanishing acts, you shouldn't be taking your eyes off them around water, as that could end their life with half a minute of inattention if you are unlucky.

The DH didn't need to visibly panic and run around squawking, but not dismissing OPs extremely valid concern, taking responsibility and actively looking around for the child he had lost might have been nice. If my DH behaved like that I would be deeply unimpressed, and a lot less trusting of him in future.

Inadequate parents and a child on CP register is incomparable to a lost child
I’ll spell out the differences for those of yiu who can’t grasp the differences
Charlie was not held in regard or adequately parented.there was habitual neglect
There is nothing to suggest this child is inadequately parented or known to Social Services

@LipstickHandbagCoffee given that you completely misunderstood and then made up a post based on your interpretation of my post it’s a bit rich telling other posters they struggle to understand things, no?

YANBU, your DH should not have taken his eye off the ball however in his defence it sounds like there has been a miscommunication in that he was expecting you to watch DS too.

IME it is easier to lose a child when both parents are there, because unless they both communicate expectations of who is going to take charge then it is easy to assume the other parent knows where the child is. When you are on your own you know that and watch more carefully.

I'd be angry too OP. Youv weren't in the water with him, you're husband isn't a child or babysitting - he shouldn't need you to watch him watching DS or watch from the side to make sure he was safe.

In the park one of us often sits on the side and one goes to play. The assumption is that the parent WITH A the child is in charge and responsible. It shouldn't need explaining

Lipstick that's so much periphery and not relevant. A child who could not swim was left unsupervised around water. He drowned

The same could have happened here. It is irrelevant that the DS in this scenario is (we presume) well cared for and that the DH in question is (we also presume) not a career criminal. The OP is entirely unlike the unfortunate mother in the Charlie Dunn case. She ran shouted and found her child. She's got sense (subtext - unlike her DH)

Whilst I think your DH’s response was wrong equally yours was unhelpful although understandable. Visible panic does not help in a crisis, if you were calm, even if only on the surface you could have given the helpful woman more of a description. Panicking wastes time.

"or even more worryingly - irresponsible childminders" if that's aimed at me I can assure you I was never irresponsible.

To answer a separate pp no I've never lost a 2 year old of someone else's ever, but I've lost dd at that age - bloomin bolter extraordinaire! I know it's frighteningly easy to do even if you think you're being über vigilant!

Never lost a child myself near water, but worked with people who have and they felt awful but hadn't done anything wrong and the child was fine.

OF COURSE plan A is to keep eye on child at all times, but what if someone else crosses between adult and child? Someone or something (eg a ball) bumps adult temporarily distracting them? Then you put plan B in place - as I said first thing you check IS the water. And then the rest.

Having a plan B can help you not to panic so much you can't look effectively too.

I am struggling to understand how anyone loses a toddler in a swimming pool area.

Comparing a child from dysfunctional background on cp register to a momentarily lost child is really bizarre.and it actually casts aspersions on the op and her dp. Their situation is incomparable

@Thesearepearls Charlie Dunn’s mother wasn’t “unfortunate” she was complicit in the abuse and neglect! No comparison to OP at all.

YANBU
Your DH zhouldnt has lost him and certainly should have taken full responsibility for the fact he lost him (which can happened, I’ve done it myself). But the staying calm, doing nothing and then saying YOU were hysterical? Wtf.

Seeing that your ds was with your DH, there was no need for you to also be in the watch. Unless of course you are assuming that your DH is too incompetent to be left looking after his own child on his own.
I can’t believe that some posters are saying that you ar responsible too because you shouldn’t have looked at your phone. If it had been you with your ds, I’m sure your DH wouod have found it normal to look at his pone, so why not you?

Of course losing a child is every parent's worst nightmare. But parents are human, and every one of us can lose focus for a couple of seconds. It happens. And while panicking may be a normal reaction, it's not the best thing to do. Better to stay calm and search carefully than rush round like a headless chicken. Personally I think you're over-reacting, but also think it's one of those situations where an apology is not strictly necessary but a wise and compassionate thing to do.

Graphista couldn't agree more. Having a plan in place for all eventualities is the most important thing.

Supervision around water is of course of the highest importance - no one would dispute that! But things do happen!

Neither the op nor her H seem to have handled it fantastically - panicking NEVER helps. Neither does doing nothing however!

It's happened. Learn from it. Move on. There is no point beating people up about these things.