To be angry with my DH for losing our toddler?

[Mumisa]

My DS is two, my DH took him to a park with a splash pool. DH went with DS because he was wearing shorts and I was in jeans. I sat about 15ft away with our shoes and bags. I watched and took photos and even thought should I keep an eye on DS but then said to myself no it’s fine DH is right with him. So I had a browse on my phone.

A few minutes go by and DH comes up to me and asks where is DS, I asked what did he mean and proceeded to very loudly panic. I ran around shouting for DS looking in the water (plenty deep enough to drown in). My DH told me to calm down but was mostly stood around. A kind lady asked us what he looked like I was so afraid I could only repeat he’s two find him. Just then a lady found him in the park cafe next to the pool. I was so so relieved.

My DH was calm and acted as though I had overreacted and made a scene. He said I was childish and acted like a child and he had only taken his eyes off DS for a second. I am very angry and upset. DH has not apologised.

AIBU to expect an apology or should I have been watching DS too? DH has previously taken DS out on his own and I have trusted him but now feel worried.

It was 2009. We were on holiday with our then 2yo dd in the Isle of Wight. We had gone to a pub for dinner and dd was in our sights playing in the huge back garden of the pub. (We were on the pub patio) She had made some friends and they were on the playground equipment. Dh and I were relishing some adult chat when we looked up and dd abd her friends had disappeared.

The side gate to the garden was open. The gate led to the car park and the main road.

We shit ourselves. Literally.

Dh searched the garden and car park, and I looked around the pub. After the scariest five minutes of my life I found her chilling in the ball pit, in the soft play area, inside of the pub.

Since then our dd has always told us where she is going!

I understand the panic, and the added danger of water, but both of you are responsible for your DS. Don't just pin it on his father, you were distracted by your phone!

Speaking to other parents IRL most have lost their child at least once.

Yanbu OP. I'd lose my rag with my DH if he did/reacted like this.

Firstly because he should never have taken his eyes off him around water.
Secondy because he didn't appreciate the risk.
Lastly because he claimed he was 'embarrassed' about how you reacted when really it was because he knew he'd been a dick and let him out of his sight and couldn't admit it.

I'd be sorely tempted to leave someone over that. But then I'm a one strike sort of person

This thread is infuriating.

Women expected to be omnipresent and assume responsibility at all times.

People making comparisons about losing a child themselves are not getting it. The OP did not lose the child - her husband did.

His response towards her may be to mask his own guilt but it’s not fair.

Finger pointing isn’t helpful though and will likely only further entrench his attitude that she overreacted and allow him to deflect his own guilt and responsibility. A serious conversation about how it happened and how to avoid it in future is necessary in my view.

I hope all is well today, OP.

Gosh, people always seem to have their shit together then.

How can a person choose to be calm and collected when they can't find their child? My nephew has a habit of running away. He's gotten lost a few times and with 4 adults usually around him he still can escape us all. How could I ever tell her not to panic and she's embarrassing us?

I agree jay. “He didn’t want to make a scene”

Well ok, a toddler is missing near water but heaven forbid you make a scene

Instead of working out where to apportion blame, however angry you are, this will only alienate your DH and won't help matters.

I suggest shifting the focus to making sure it doesn't happen again. We have DS1 (4) and DTwins (2) and have a military style quick way of ensuring everyone knows who has responsibility in an outside environment.

We refer to 'the con', meaning 'control of the ship', like 'I need to go to the loo - you have the con.' 'Roger that.'

'Hang on I'll just check cinema times on my phone' 'Okay, I've got the con'

And that way, it's always explicit and mutually agreed who has the responsibility of keeping DC alive and in sight, while taking seconds to set up.

Recommend giving it a go as a) it will turn a negative into a positive in terms of you and your DH working as a team and b) if you ever have more children, it is even more useful.

Your dh's reaction is the worrying/ infuriating thing op. Had he been apologetic, remorseful etc I should imagine you'd think he'd learned an important lesson (one which most parents are not immune to). But he minimised what was a potentially very dangerous situation, so how can you trust that he's learned anything from it?

I'm still confused as to how great the risk of drowning actually was in this instance given it was a splash pool. They are usually not v deep or big are they? If child had fallen face down in the water dh woukd have spotted him in a jiffy. The child had wandered away from the water so risk of drowning not so great.

I lost mine once, she was about six. Terror.

I'd still blame the DH.

I’ve “only” ever lost a child when I had a shared responsibility- ie I assumed my mum was watching and she assumed I was. Those were first two kids- one lost in a large shopping centre the other in an international airport. Kids 3 and 4 have never been lost as I learnt to be specific about who is responsible for which child.
Sorry op you are being slightly unreasonable. Understandably so, but instead of being angry be proactive and learn from it. Agree to specific who is watching ds every time From now on. Well for the next few years anyway.

My oh is infuriating in his attitude to things like this. I also think it depends on how much each parent watches and has responsibility for the young child. If you are the primary carer and with the child most of the time you are naturally more in tune to that child and know if they are the kind of child that tends to stay close or is a runner. Not saying that would remove any responsibility for watching a child, but all children are different and I've noticed my OH has often assumed they are all the same and I'll have to say, seriously that child will just run off and not give a monkeys where you are... we also do discuss who has responsibility, so if I'm taking one to the loo I will specifically say 'right you are on x' and vice versa.
It's very scary when a child disappears and natural to panic. I would wonder if his reaction was down playing his fear and actually he's learnt a serious lesson? My oh would downplay his feelings and often appears to not care but it's his defences especially if it was his responsibility.

Van

We shit ourselves. Literally.

I promise I’m not being goady but I just have to ask... you both literally shit your pants? As in, the terror was so great you both lost control of your bowels and soiled your underwear? What did you do after you found her, did you have spare underwear and clothes?

I wouldn’t ask if you hadn’t said ‘literally’ but given that you’ve emphasised this literally happened I’m just curious, I can’t imagine anyone genuinely shitting themselves the instant they realise their kid is out of sight! I didn’t know that could happen

I'm still confused as to how great the risk of drowning actually was in this instance given it was a splash pool. They are usually not v deep or big are they? If child had fallen face down in the water dh woukd have spotted him in a jiffy. The child had wandered away from the water so risk of drowning not so great.

Children can drown in 10cm of water, so a great risk of drowning.

The DP didn't know where the child was. We don't even know if he looked in the water. He may have just assumed it was the default parent, OP, watching DC. What if there was another splash pool nearby that DC went to? Our local park has 2.

The splash pool was big and a foot or so deep in places, there is also a huge and very deep lake close by in the park. I really do feel DS was at risk.

That does sound risky. However People respond differently to situations. My friend and I once lost our kids briefly in a large playground. She went mental, I remaimed calm, as I felt the risk was potentially low. It was - we found them playing in a corner. She was probably surprised how little i reacted and i was surprised at how much she reacted. Can't you just forgive dh - I'm sure he'll be more careful next time.

LoveMyJob1

I completely agree with LittleLion
“Your dh's reaction is the worrying/ infuriating thing op. Had he been apologetic, remorseful etc I should imagine you'd think he'd learned an important lesson (one which most parents are not immune to). But he minimised what was a potentially very dangerous situation, so how can you trust that he's learned anything from it?”

OP you don’t have to justify to us the size of the pool and that you feel your DS was at risk. It was a body of water - young children have drowned in buckets in full view of adults so anyone downplaying the risk here is just being ridiculous.

Your dh sounds like complete dick.
He should have been watching his child.

I was only thinking today how crap a lot of men are at caring for their dc.
As I was reversing out of the busy gym car park, a children's sport club was about to start but Lord forbid that the dad wandering straight behind my car with out holding the hands of his two young children should actually parent responsibly.
This happens all the time. Dad's not holding their child's hand and looking aghast when I have to break sharply and state at them waiting for them to get out of the way.
Oh and there are pedestrian walk ways but no not for these dick head dads , oh no let's walk straight in the path of reversing cars.

Don't just pin it on his father, you were distracted by your phone! Erm no, she was having a few minutes peace while her husband entertained their child.

The child had wandered away from the water so risk of drowning not so great. except the op didn't know that at the time and he could have wondered back to the pool in the time it took him to be found.

speakout Fuck. How did you survive?

This isn't just about losing a child, yes sometimes people lose their child and it's frightening. No, no one is perfect and it happens.

But this is about losing a child in a pool. In a pool you should never, ever take your eyes away from a child. Particularly a baby or toddler. Not for a second.
It is not the same as letting your kids hand go for a moment in a shopping centre. 2 minutes to lose consciousness, 4 minutes to suffer permanent brain damage.

I promise I’m not being goady but I just have to ask... you both literally shit your pants? As in, the terror was so great you both lost control of your bowels and soiled your underwear? What did you do after you found her, did you have spare underwear and clothes?

I wouldn’t ask if you hadn’t said ‘literally’ but given that you’ve emphasised this literally happened I’m just curious, I can’t imagine anyone genuinely shitting themselves the instant they realise their kid is out of sight! I didn’t know that could happen confused

I’m also wondering this.

speakout Fuck. How did you survive?

I am hoping that is not a sarcastic comment. If not my apologies.
I grew up in a poverty stricken huge council estate in Scotland in the 1960s.
Looking back it was horrendous.
From the age of 3 kids would be turfed out of the house in the morning, relying on other older kids ( 6 or 7)for their safety and well being. Children would come home when hungry or when it got dark.
It was not without perils.
As a 4 year old I was in this feral environment being responsible for my 3 year old friend.
Teenagers would " charge" us for pieces of broken glass to climb the slide, my 3 year old charge fell off the slide and needed 20 stitches in a gash to her thigh. We played in council dumped asbestos " fires" thinking the "snow" was magical. We visited the homes of convicted pedophiles.
Ah the good old days.

I think you both share the blame for this situation tbh. It was reasonable of you to assume your DH was looking after DS as he had gone with him into the splash park. It was reasonable for your DH to assume you were keeping an eye on things from the bench 15 feet away (15 feet is the width of my kitchen). Next time, perhaps you will both remember to check who is going to be responsible for your DS rather than making an assumption.

Your DH maybe should have made more effort to find your DS, but running round shouting in a complete panic isn't great either. I understand you'd had a scare but one of you needs to be able to take control of the situation in a controlled manner. You need to be able to say "You look over there and I'll look over here", and you need to be calm enough to give a sensible description to other people who offer to help. "He's 2" is a start but at the least you should be able to describe the clothing he is wearing - "He's got a red hat and blue swimming trunks", for example.

The situation is over now and DS is safe. Take this opportunity to discuss with each other what you can do in the future to ensure that a) it doesn't happen again, and b) if it does you can all act sensibly.