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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To pretend I didn't receive the text

202 replies

GinghamStyle · 30/06/2018 13:38

So background for context. I'm a LP to DS (10.5) currently at the end of Y5. He has ASD and ADHD. He was excluded from school on Wednesday last week until this Wednesday. DS stayed with my mum Monday night to give me a bit of a break as the whole thing had really stressed me out.

At the reintegration meeting on Wednesday, school suggested that he move onto a P/T timetables gling to school in the mornings a school it's the afternoon where he struggles the most. I've recently reduced my hours at work from 3 days to 1 day so I can have time to go to support groups for parents of SEN children, attend counselling and have more time for myself. My boyfriend (who is just that, he does not live with us) and I do not get much time together and so we were looking forward to having more time when he's off work and DS is at school, so this P/T timetable has put a stop to that.

I agreed to the P/T timetable because I need time off from DS and I don't want him to be excluded again (which is likely). I'm lucky that work has been amazing and I'm going to work 9-12 two days a week to herb my hours in. I emailed school saying that I agree to P/T hours 9-12 and that on my work days I'll get to school a soon as I can. There are a couple of days I have counselling and can't cant be before 2 but said I'll ask my mum to pick up these day she if she's off, otherwise I'll collect at 2. I also said that in September he should return to school full time.

I received a letter from school yesterday saying that DS will be in school for 15 hours a week 8:50 - 11:30 and that when I have counselling I should take DS with me. They also requested that I work with them so I emailed back asking them to work with me! Stressed is an understatement.

Mum had previously agreed to have DS every other Saturday night and I checked with her yesterday if she was still OK to have him tonight. She confirmed that she isn't doing anything and so to bring him around after she's back from work.

This morning, she text saying that she's not able to have DS tonight's as she has stuff to do. I really need some time outside of this house!!

So if I just ignore this message and pretend I haven't received it, AIBU?

OP posts:
JacquesHammer · 30/06/2018 13:41

So if I just ignore this message and pretend I haven't received it, AIBU?

Yes.

Explain to her how desperately you need her help.

Ruffian · 30/06/2018 13:41

Of course YABU, your Mum needs her own time as well and she is being a great help to you generally by the sounds of it. You can't just turn up with your poor ds and put her on the spot.

SmashedMug · 30/06/2018 13:42

YABU. Ignoring the text doesn't mean she can have him still anyway 😂

itswinetime · 30/06/2018 13:44

You are and I think you know it! Speak to your mum see if you can work anything out. It maybe she needs a break too or is out when you get there ignoring the text won't help anything!

Scoose · 30/06/2018 13:44

Ywbu to do this. Your mum is being a massive help to you already I can't believe you would even consider doing this

Original poster
GinghamStyle · 30/06/2018 13:44

She didn't even say sorry.
And I'm pretty certain her "got things to do" is watering the garden.

OP posts:
Pebblespony · 30/06/2018 13:45

Aside from the moral issue, your mother could have delivery reports set up so she might know you got it.

JacquesHammer · 30/06/2018 13:46

And I'm pretty certain her "got things to do" is watering the garden

That’s perfectly valid though.

You know you can’t ignore her text. You could telephone her and chat about it though

Scoose · 30/06/2018 13:47

So what if it is she is she is not obliged to look after your child. You should appreciate the help she has already given you.

Scoose · 30/06/2018 13:48

And why should she apologise for not being able to look after your child? Confused

Lucked · 30/06/2018 13:48

I think you will have to suck it up tonight but ask her for another night.

With the school, I think you need to post in Education to see how much you can negotiate the hours. It would be terrible if you had to give up your job.

Original poster
GinghamStyle · 30/06/2018 13:49

She's at work today so can't call her. I'm just hugely disappointed. I've been looking forward to tonight all week. I'm not very good at having DS so much, especially when it's out the blue like the exclusion was.

OP posts:
mostdays · 30/06/2018 13:50

I think your school may be on dodgy ground here- if you don't agree to the P/T timetable (and the fact that you agree in principle but not with the details of it would count as you not agreeing, IMO) they should be treating it as a formal exclusion and following the appropriate procedures. IPSEA might be a good source of support here?

You can't ignore your Mum's text, what's going to happen when you turn up with DS after she has already said she can't have him?

JacquesHammer · 30/06/2018 13:51

If she’s at work all day you definitely can’t just ignore her text.

NorthEndGal · 30/06/2018 13:52

You are mixing up different issues here.
Your problems with the school are not your mums fault, and she shouldn't have to pay the price .
If you treat your mum like that, you may find her helping even less.

MyDcAreMarvel · 30/06/2018 13:52

Your ds is entitled to a full time education. Tell the school those hours are not suitable .

HarshingMyMellow · 30/06/2018 13:52

But he is your son and your responsibility. Not your mums.

By the sounds of it, she helps you a lot and her offering to have him every other weekend is incredibly generous.
If she has said no, then that's it.

I'm sorry you're having a rough time but no parent is entitled to a night off and free childcare.

RhubarbRhubarbRhubarbRhubarb · 30/06/2018 13:53

Yabu, but I see why you’re tempted Flowers. Hope things improve for you.

lindyhopy · 30/06/2018 13:54

I don't think that you should ignore the text as it may put her off agreeing in the future.
Your chkld has a legal right to a full tike education. School cannot place on a pt timetable without parental consent and where a child is placed on one it should not be for longer than 2 weeks. Speak to your council's SEN service and ask for the number of the parent partnership team who can support you dealing with school.

HyacinthsBucket70 · 30/06/2018 13:56

YABU. That's a terrible thing to do to your mum.

Is she finding him too much to cope with?

ghostyslovesheets · 30/06/2018 13:56

aside from your mum (who has every right to say no - sorry) I am really concerned about the way your son's school is behaving - they can't just exclude a SEN child or reduce his timetable - he is entitled to full time education and they need to support that - please talk to your LA for advice and get support from parent partnership or what ever your local service is - if it was one of my kids (LAC) I'd be refusing the reduced timetable and challenging the exclusion - does he have a EHCP? What does that say?

abilockhart · 30/06/2018 13:57

Please don't do this to your mum. You should appreciate the help she has given you.

isthismylifenow · 30/06/2018 13:58

Sorry OP but yabu. He is your child and your mum helps you a lot by the sounds of it. How do you think other single parents manage who don't have help? I am one of those. And i also have two children, one of them adhd so I do know what it's like. I think you should be greatful for the help you have, as if you just turn up tonight, your mum will no doubt be annoyed and it may not end well for you. She raised her child, she is doing you a favour by having d's as often as she does.

SendYouUpInFlames · 30/06/2018 13:58

You don't mention how many days your mum works a week?

You say you work 2?

If your mum works 5. It is massively unfair!!

PorkFlute · 30/06/2018 14:00

Yabu to pretend you haven’t received your mums text. I get that it’s hard but it sounds like she helps you out a lot so I wouldn’t push things with her.
You are under no obligation to accept a part time timetable though. And only very rarely is it appropriate to try and implement one even with parental agreement. And then it should be a temporary measure while extra funding/expertise is sought not an indefinite thing.
Are the school supporting your son adequately? If they are and he’s still being excluded then that is probably the quickest way to get him to a more appropriate setting. If they aren’t supporting your sons needs then you need to push for this.