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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To pretend I didn't receive the text

202 replies

GinghamStyle · 30/06/2018 13:38

So background for context. I'm a LP to DS (10.5) currently at the end of Y5. He has ASD and ADHD. He was excluded from school on Wednesday last week until this Wednesday. DS stayed with my mum Monday night to give me a bit of a break as the whole thing had really stressed me out.

At the reintegration meeting on Wednesday, school suggested that he move onto a P/T timetables gling to school in the mornings a school it's the afternoon where he struggles the most. I've recently reduced my hours at work from 3 days to 1 day so I can have time to go to support groups for parents of SEN children, attend counselling and have more time for myself. My boyfriend (who is just that, he does not live with us) and I do not get much time together and so we were looking forward to having more time when he's off work and DS is at school, so this P/T timetable has put a stop to that.

I agreed to the P/T timetable because I need time off from DS and I don't want him to be excluded again (which is likely). I'm lucky that work has been amazing and I'm going to work 9-12 two days a week to herb my hours in. I emailed school saying that I agree to P/T hours 9-12 and that on my work days I'll get to school a soon as I can. There are a couple of days I have counselling and can't cant be before 2 but said I'll ask my mum to pick up these day she if she's off, otherwise I'll collect at 2. I also said that in September he should return to school full time.

I received a letter from school yesterday saying that DS will be in school for 15 hours a week 8:50 - 11:30 and that when I have counselling I should take DS with me. They also requested that I work with them so I emailed back asking them to work with me! Stressed is an understatement.

Mum had previously agreed to have DS every other Saturday night and I checked with her yesterday if she was still OK to have him tonight. She confirmed that she isn't doing anything and so to bring him around after she's back from work.

This morning, she text saying that she's not able to have DS tonight's as she has stuff to do. I really need some time outside of this house!!

So if I just ignore this message and pretend I haven't received it, AIBU?

OP posts:
Original poster
GinghamStyle · 30/06/2018 14:22

No, no dad. Just me. Mum isn't also a single parent so I've only got her too.

OP posts:
ginswinger · 30/06/2018 14:24

For goodness sake this poor woman is at the end of her tether, she really needs a break, just one night off from this whirlwind and you're all telling her she is in the wrong. She's not and neither is her mum. People do run out of tether and we ought to be more supportive of her.

Are you anywhere near Suffolk? If you are, I will cook you dinner and bring it over. Or get your shopping or just make you a cuppa. Maybe others could offer something similar and help rather than tell her she's wrong?

Apehouse · 30/06/2018 14:25

What mostdays said.

I refused to agree to a PT timetable or even to arrange alternative care at lunchtimes, pointing to the legislation on inclusion. At the same time, I came down on my ASD son like a ton of bricks and in the course of six months he managed to stop getting exclusions. He managed to stay in mainstream. I realize not everyone gets off so lightly, but you have the right to work, he has the right to FT education, and there is no need to be a pushover. If they exclude him permanently, they’ll need to find him a place elsewhere.

SparklyMagpie · 30/06/2018 14:26

You have got to be taking the piss?

If you're struggling with your son, what makes you think it's not difficult for your mum?

She has a life too

rightknockered · 30/06/2018 14:26

I'm sorry, it's going to be tough. For a while, a lot of schools behave like this, even with an EHCP.
Do you have a babysitter that you can pay? That is what I do, it has taken years to find a good one, but she is lovely and we are now very close friends and I sometimes have her daughter for her.

Can your boyfriend not come to your house?
You can see him another day.
If it was me, I would cancel the date and just use the time to knuckle down and make a better plan for my ds. f
Sometimes you just have to do what you have to do.
If your boyfriend doesn't like it, it's tough. He can pay for a babysitter or just suck it up

Original poster
GinghamStyle · 30/06/2018 14:28

@AnElderlyLadyOfMediumHeight
I'm trying really hard to be a good mum to DS. His ASD diagnosis happened last year and at meetings with school and MAT worker I was told that I'd really benefit (and in turn, DS would benefit) from me having a support groups and so I was encouraged to find some, which I did. One of the reasons why I reduced my hours at work was because these groups were always on my working days and so I wasn't able able to go. Ditto with my counselling, it was agreed that I'd benefit from it and so I organised to start. So when exclusions and P/T timetable prevent me from going to these things, I feel like I'm being prevented from doing the things that I've been told will improve our situation.

OP posts:
Original poster
GinghamStyle · 30/06/2018 14:31

I don't dare leave him with a babysitter.

OP posts:
Original poster
GinghamStyle · 30/06/2018 14:32

@Ginswinger -
Your post made me cry! Thank you so much for your kindness. I don't live in Suffolk, but I bloody wish I did right now!! Flowers

OP posts:
Iceweasel · 30/06/2018 14:33

Can you agree to pick him up at 11.30 three days a week but keep full days on your work days? Then organise counselling on those days? Then you wouldn't be relying on your mum for childcare and it would be more predictable for your child.

rightknockered · 30/06/2018 14:37

I would suggest you go about finding a babysitter. I was like this a few years ago, and friends encouraged me to start searching. I now have someone who works as a carer for autistic children and has also worked in a special needs school. It took time but we got there. Really think about it, start looking, it will add another person, pillar of support to your life. Mine is a godsend. I would dump anyone rather than lose her.

IME, LAs like to tell you to get other sources of support, and make you feel as though you are being a bad parent by not having it. But they will not see it as more important than their own budgets, no matter what the long term consequences are for you and your ds. So don't argue that with them. Just go for the support that they are legally required to provide for your ds, then other things will get better.
It will never be easy though, but it will be better than it currently is.

SparklyMagpie · 30/06/2018 14:37

@ginswinger right ok,but what if she didn't have her mum for help? OP would just have to crack on

Not saying she shouldn't be a little gutted but it's just one of them things isn't it ?

chocaholic73 · 30/06/2018 14:39

I suggest you post on the SEN board ... lots of people there with experience of DCs being excluded when they have SEN and the best way to manage this. I think your Mum saying she couldn't have your DS when you were expecting her to is probably "the straw that broke the camel's back". You say she is generally very supportive so probably hasn't appreciated how desperately you were looking forward to the break. Talk to her - you need her by the sound of things. I really sympathise re the exclusions thing ... been there, got the t shirt.

cherrytrees123 · 30/06/2018 14:39

Yes, you are being very selfish. No matter how much you need a break, your Mum is doing you a favour. If she has other things on or can't cope, you should respect that.

ilovesooty · 30/06/2018 14:41

I can't comment on most of this but taking your son with you to counselling is surely not an option? Do the school understand counselling at all?

ThatchersCold · 30/06/2018 14:44

Yes YABVU.

I am a lone parent to 2 DCs, 100% of the time. One has ASD and couldn’t cope with school at all so I have to home educate her. I never get a break from the smallest one (NC with her father).

It’s a bit crappy that she said she could have your ds and then changed her mind at the last minute, but that’s life, he’s your child not hers, and you just have to suck it up.

My DM is not the keenest granny in the world, and I respect the fact that she has done her raising of children so I don’t ever expect her to have mine. If she can, that’s great, but if she can’t, well they’re my kids and therefore I am the one who has to take responsibility.

I feel for you, I know it can suck being a LP, particularly if they have additional needs. Would a babysitter be an option, even if it’s just for a couple of hours so you could go for a meal or drinks with your bf?

KnittyNatter · 30/06/2018 14:48

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Myotherusernameisbest · 30/06/2018 14:49

Why can't you get a babysitter?

ScipioAfricanus · 30/06/2018 14:49

Family help is free and therefore sometimes unreliable. It’s annoying that you’ve had a late cancellation but you do have considerable help from your mum. I think you just feel pushed over the edge at the moment by the school so this is the straw which has broken the camel’s back today.

I also urge you to try to build in some paid childcare to give you a regular break which doesn’t rely on family. I have a family member with a child with SEN and they are often pushed to the brink but don’t ever build in any time which they could (though I know it’s difficult and it costs money). They also ask a lot of their family members. We try to give willingly but it is also hard when my family don’t have the energy or time to see (let alone help) us because they have used it all up on other family member.

ScipioAfricanus · 30/06/2018 14:51

I imagine getting a babysitter may be very difficult because of DS’s needs, but there are people who specialise and there are options. In my experience of family member, seeking this outside help feels overwhelming and it’s easier to fall back on family help day to day and in extremis. But then sometimes that falls through, or isn’t enough, and asks too much of the family.

Gazelda · 30/06/2018 14:53

KnittyNatter your post is horrible. I agree with you that OP's original suggestion was unreasonable, but do you not have any compassion? The child isn't misbehaving, he has diagnosed conditions that cause difficult situations in the school environment. I'm sure OP sympathises with the teaching staff, but it is the school's duty to help OP give her son a good education - every child deserves this. Shame on you.

WerkSupp · 30/06/2018 14:54

I have a son with ASD and I'm in my late 40s. I can hand on heart say when and if I get about 15 years older than this I wouldn't be able to cope with such a high-needs child for very long. I know it's hard, but your mum isn't being unreasonable and your relationship needs to take a back seat to all this. If he's a good 'un he'll understand.

vickibee · 30/06/2018 14:54

I fully understand your despair op, my son is asd and displays really challenging behaviour and it does get you down. Have you fried short breaks

ginswinger · 30/06/2018 14:54

@SparklyMagpie she could crack on without her mum, alternatively she might have a breakdown and hand her child over to foster care. You are over estimating her breaking point. Not everyone is as strong as you so perhaps a little kindness would go a long way!

Arum51 · 30/06/2018 14:56

OP, no brilliant advice, but just to say I feel for you. You're having a shitty, very stressful time, and you can see the school holidays looming like a thick fog. Just one night, one little night, of being able to be you and not 'the mother'. It must have looked like an oasis, now it's turned out to be a mirage.

I'm sorry, this sucks! Not your mum's fault, and you know you would be bu to ignore the text, but yes, I get that you're gutted. Flowers

WerkSupp · 30/06/2018 14:57

Why can't you get a babysitter?

PMSL! Yep, babysitters for kids with SEN abound everywhere!

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