To pretend I didn't receive the text

[GinghamStyle]

So background for context. I'm a LP to DS (10.5) currently at the end of Y5. He has ASD and ADHD. He was excluded from school on Wednesday last week until this Wednesday. DS stayed with my mum Monday night to give me a bit of a break as the whole thing had really stressed me out.

At the reintegration meeting on Wednesday, school suggested that he move onto a P/T timetables gling to school in the mornings a school it's the afternoon where he struggles the most. I've recently reduced my hours at work from 3 days to 1 day so I can have time to go to support groups for parents of SEN children, attend counselling and have more time for myself. My boyfriend (who is just that, he does not live with us) and I do not get much time together and so we were looking forward to having more time when he's off work and DS is at school, so this P/T timetable has put a stop to that.

I agreed to the P/T timetable because I need time off from DS and I don't want him to be excluded again (which is likely). I'm lucky that work has been amazing and I'm going to work 9-12 two days a week to herb my hours in. I emailed school saying that I agree to P/T hours 9-12 and that on my work days I'll get to school a soon as I can. There are a couple of days I have counselling and can't cant be before 2 but said I'll ask my mum to pick up these day she if she's off, otherwise I'll collect at 2. I also said that in September he should return to school full time.

I received a letter from school yesterday saying that DS will be in school for 15 hours a week 8:50 - 11:30 and that when I have counselling I should take DS with me. They also requested that I work with them so I emailed back asking them to work with me! Stressed is an understatement.

Mum had previously agreed to have DS every other Saturday night and I checked with her yesterday if she was still OK to have him tonight. She confirmed that she isn't doing anything and so to bring him around after she's back from work.

This morning, she text saying that she's not able to have DS tonight's as she has stuff to do. I really need some time outside of this house!!

So if I just ignore this message and pretend I haven't received it, AIBU?

I should have known better than to post in AIBU 🙄

She's the only support that I have. This is the first Saturday that my BF is not working in months and so the first time in months we can go out for a meal and spend some quality time together. Every other night when I see him, he comes round to my house and we watch some shit on Netflicks and then he goes home again as I have school run in the morning. We are both sick of being trapped in my sitting room and need some proper time together.

Mum knows how stressed I've been this week. The exclusion felt like it was punishing me. DS doesn't give a fuck about not being at school. I missed my counselling, missed a support group. School don the care.

Work have been brilliant and are allowing me to spread my hours over 2 days. There is no way I'm giving it up. I'll work 9-12 those two days and collect DS afterwards. On the other days I'll collect him at midday. That gives me hardly any time to do anything as it is. It's absolute bollocks. The whole point of having more time off was to give me some time before summer holidays and now everything is going to have to be postponed until September - but school want him to return is September P/T and review it at the end of the first week. Absolutely no way on earth I'm agreeing to that.

I lost interest at "not very good at having DS so much".

YABU.

You talk about your poor son as if he is a nuisance. YWBVVVVU to ignore your mum's text. He is YOUR child and therefore YOUR responsibility.

I've been there. My son was in school an hour a day for over a year until a special school place came up. It was that or permanent exclusion, and intact that is what happened to get him the place.
I know how stressful it is but really, it's not your mum's place. You do really just have to suck up and get on with it.
Maybe a relationship shouldn't be your focus right now, if you have no time for anything and it's all shit I can see how you feel it would help but it's just something else to worry about.
Also, get hold of your MP about the school thing if you don't have much luck. And tell the local 0-25 team you are aswell.

You can't make your mum have him if she doesn't want to.

However, you can make school have him full time.

Don't agree to the PT timetable. Yes, they may px him, but then the LA will have to provide full time education on the 6th day. Does he already have an EHCP?

Of course yabu

Your mum looked after him Monday and she’s been at work all day today so she is perfectly entitled to say she doesn’t want to look after him tonight as well.

Yes things must be tough for you but come on pretending you didn’t get the text really?

Oh and fwiw I sympathise massively. DS1 is on a PT timetable atm. I did agree to it (in fact, following his third FTE of the academic year I requested it, to avoid a permanent exclusion. It has sort of worked in that there have been fewer incidents at school by dint of his being there far less, but the drawbacks are that he is becoming further disconnected from school and very used to not being in school full time, and his education is really suffering. Thankfully school are now building his timetable back up.

Sometimes you have to be a hardarse. I got a phonecall mid way through the morning recently from someone at school telling me ds1 was 'being sent home because of uniform issues'. When I said that if this wasn't a formal FTE it was illegal, they just said '[the head] has asked me to call and tell you this is happening'. So I emailed the head, with a link to the DofE guidance, stating that sending him home without issuing a FTE would be illegal. I had an email within 10 minutes assuring me he wasn't being sent home after all. Hmmm.

I'm sure the school's SMT think I am a fucking difficult, combative bitch. I'm sure I am difficult and combative at times. But my life is difficult and parenting a child with these needs is always going to be a combative experience when the system is not set up for them.

Your mum is an easier target for your anger and worry and feelings of a lack of support- she loves you, she's there for you, she'll more than likely forgive you when you are cross or unreasonable or demanding. But tonight and her text are not the real issue here, are they?

It sounds like your Mum is very helpful to you, I don't think ignoring her text is fair. I have a child with SN who can't attend school at all, I have to home ed so can't work so I get that it is tough. But tbh a night in front of the TV is normal for many couples with kids.

He is YOUR child and YOUR responsibility. I’m sorry that three hours are day isn’t long enough time for you to do all of the terribly important things that you need to do. I’m also sorry that your mum needs time to herself, selfish cow, so that you can have time to do your, again terribly important, stuff. It’s a shame that the school is thinking of what is best for your son, and all of the other children in school, by proposing changes which would work for them, rather than being there for free childcare so you can do your terribly important stuff.

Dear god I hope you are a troll as, if not, I feel desperately sorry for your family.

Your are obviously going through a tough time right now and the school aren't coming across very helpful/supportive I know nothing about how the system works but I'm sure other posters do and will be happy to help.

However it isn't your mums fault! Yes it sucks plans are changing last min but she sounds like she's pretty supportive of the whole so don't take it out on her! Reply to the text exp type understand and ask if there is another time she could have him then start a new thread in eduction or One of the parenting boards for advice on how to handle the school.

GinghamStyle,

I think responses here have been very measured and sympathetic.

Uhm, your child has ASD and ADHD, school needs to provide, if they can't do that you need to call it out and demand they provide the support he needs to be in school full time and provide an environment that is inclusive not exclusionary. Does he have an EHC plan, if not demand one. Are you claiming DLA for him, if not, do so he is entitled until age 16yrs, you can buy child care help with this. Don't throw your Mum over because you are stressed, she will be too, you need her, ask her to help fight your corner if she can. Do not agree to exclusion ever, the LEA must provide and are falling down if they back exclusion for an SEN child without offering an alternative. Get legal advice.

Exactly, most couples with an SN child don't get much time to themselves. Me and DH haven't had a night away from the kids in over a year. 16 months to be exact. Even had the toddler on our wedding night, while my 80 year old nan, bless her had the 2 SN ones in her hotel room.

Yes okay, ABU and I won't tell her I didn't get it.

We had a really good chat a few weeks ago and she said that she could/would have him alternate Saturday nights as they have a nice lazy Sunday together and I'm not allowed to go round before a time that she gives me depending on what she has to do. If I go round before the time, DS gets very annoyed at me for encroaching on his time with his nana and kicks off. It's all in good fun but I've learned the hard way when mum says to come round at 2, to go round at 2. Sometimes she has to go out or hasn't stuff to do and I go earlier, but she likes having him and the time away from him really helps.

I know I don't have to agree to a P/T timetable but it was made clear to me that a P/T timetable is put in place to reduce the risk of further exclusions and School would be able to exclude him until the end of term. DS gets very uppity towards the end of this term (more so than the others) and I know the risk of him doing something which would be exclusion worthy is high. So the P/T timetable and having 3 hours a day "off" and being able to go to work isn't better than having him with me for 9 weeks straight.

School also asked me to let them know before Wednesday lunchtime whether I'd be collecting him early that same day. Wednesday is my work day and rather than going to work I had to go home and make phone calls to Parent Partnership etc and so I've got yet another day to make up at work.

We're having a TAF meeting on Wednesday and I'm dreading it. My relationship with school has broken down so much lately and I don't feel supported at all. It's like DS is an inconvenience and it's very much my fault.

GinghamStyle
I should have known better than to post in AIBU 🙄

Yeah, because the other boards will totally agree with you...… !

She's the only support that I have.

Then I'd suggest you treat her a bit better or you'll fast lose that.

This is the first Saturday that my BF is not working in months and so the first time in months we can go out for a meal and spend some quality time together. Every other night when I see him, he comes round to my house and we watch some shit on Netflicks and then he goes home again as I have school run in the morning. We are both sick of being trapped in my sitting room and need some proper time together.

Welcome to the real world. Millions of couples conduct large parts of their lives like this due to constrains or work, children & budget.

Mum knows how stressed I've been this week.

So what? She's probably sympathetic but it's not her problem.

The exclusion felt like it was punishing me. DS doesn't give a fuck about not being at school. I missed my counselling, missed a support group. School don the care.

Issues to take up with the school. I've been there. My son spent most of Year 9 at home, going onto a part time timetable later on. Took a lot of fighting to get what he needed in the end.

Work have been brilliant and are allowing me to spread my hours over 2 days. There is no way I'm giving it up. I'll work 9-12 those two days and collect DS afterwards. On the other days I'll collect him at midday. That gives me hardly any time to do anything as it is. It's absolute bollocks.

Again..... this is real life. You're lucky in the sense you have great employers

I think it might be an idea to contact Social Services or similar to see if you can have more support, regular respite care and maybe they will even have more sway with the school and LA in terms of getting your son's school and education back on track.
Why is he on a reduced timetable? Is he achieving well at school? Would he benefit from a special school?

Not sure why you thought you’d get much sympathy on AIBU...looking after a special needs child is hard work. You don’t get a choice as he is YOUR son. Your mum however DOES. Yes, I’m sure you need a break but this reads like your child is a huge bothersome inconvenience. Dumping him on your mum because you and your bf want —a shag— ahem quality time just isn’t on.

I’d be fuming if I was your mum and you just turned up.

I have two dcs, not at school yet. My mum is dead, my dad is overseas, my in laws aren’t that nearby and are kind of useless. I think the last time dh and I went our for a meal was my birthday, so 8 months ago! That’s life with dcs. So the “needing quality time with bf and a meal out” isn’t going to get much sympathy from me.

You do need to speak with the school though, if you don’t think what they’re proposing is right for your ds.

Of course you can't pretend you didn't get your mums text but your DS's school seem to be dodging their duty somewhat. They have a child with SN who is clearly not coping and their response is to exclude him and then send him home in the afternoons? I would seek legal advice from a specialist organisation as your son is missing out on an education and it sounds like the exclusion was discriminatory too.

Your mum can't help it if she can't have him. I understand your frustration, have three children with autism one of whom has a co-morbid of ADHD and is constantly threatening suicide. It is extremely stressful, and I'm also a single parent. I have no family support, no parents etc. So I'm used to coping alone. The outcome of this is that I fight extra hard I suppose to make sure agencies involved do what they're supposed to do. I fight the LA on provision. My eldest that has ASD/ADHD was threatened with exclusion, and I called an emergency meeting.
I'm not saying it has been easy, it drove me to anxiety attacks and anti-depressants, and tbh, no-one should have to go there.
It isn't fair or just that this is happening to you and your son. Take a look on the IPSEA website and get some help. Also it is the responsibility of the LA to provide your son with an education when he is not attending school. You do not have to home educate, although I understand your motivation to do so. The LA will not act, ime, until things have reached crisis. IF they think you are coping, whether with family support or alone, they won't see you as a priority

I think your admission that 'I'm not very good at having DS so much' is at the root of this. All your post about the school situation was about how it impacts on your time, not what might be best for him. (Which may well not be the PT timetable - it's very difficult to tell from your post how helpful or otherwise school are being, but I assume not very). You need to be ensuring he's supported properly so the exclusions don't keep happening - which may mean a different school. You need to be using some of your morning time for this, but all you mention is counselling and support groups, which while very helpful ultimately benefit you. There does seem an odd focus in your post on getting time without him rather than on getting good support in place for him.

Dumping him on your mum because you and your bf want —a shag— ahem quality time just isn’t on.

This 100%

You mention your boyfriend lots. This should be about your son. He sounds like he needs you more than the BF right now.

Can I ask, is his father involved in his life at all? He has equal responsibility to parent him, and he needs to be involved in this.

Today 14:01 GinghamStyle

I should have known better than to post in AIBU 🙄

She's the only support that I have. This is the first Saturday that my BF is not working in months and so the first time in months we can go out for a meal and spend some quality time together. Every other night when I see him, he comes round to my house and we watch some shit on Netflicks and then he goes home again as I have school run in the morning. We are both sick of being trapped in my sitting room and need some proper time together.

Mum knows how stressed I've been this week. The exclusion felt like it was punishing me. DS doesn't give a fuck about not being at school. I missed my counselling, missed a support group. School don the care.

Work have been brilliant and are allowing me to spread my hours over 2 days. There is no way I'm giving it up. I'll work 9-12 those two days and collect DS afterwards. On the other days I'll collect him at midday. That gives me hardly any time to do anything as it is. It's absolute bollocks. The whole point of having more time off was to give me some time before summer holidays and now everything is going to have to be postponed until September - but school want him to return is September P/T and review it at the end of the first week. Absolutely no way on earth I'm agreeing to that.

This is a pisstake/wind up thread, surely?

It isn't that I'm entitled to a night off, it's that when I went to bed last night, tonight I was going to have that time off and BF and I were going to enjoy an evening out together. Then this morning my mum cancelled.

DS doesn't have a ECHP but it is in the pipeline.

School are getting Ed Psyc and Behaviour Support involved but I'm not very optimistic because last week head teacher told me that she can use removing DS's breaks inbetween completing tasks as a punishment even though these breaks were put in place on advice from Ed Psyc last term.