To pretend I didn't receive the text

[GinghamStyle]

So background for context. I'm a LP to DS (10.5) currently at the end of Y5. He has ASD and ADHD. He was excluded from school on Wednesday last week until this Wednesday. DS stayed with my mum Monday night to give me a bit of a break as the whole thing had really stressed me out.

At the reintegration meeting on Wednesday, school suggested that he move onto a P/T timetables gling to school in the mornings a school it's the afternoon where he struggles the most. I've recently reduced my hours at work from 3 days to 1 day so I can have time to go to support groups for parents of SEN children, attend counselling and have more time for myself. My boyfriend (who is just that, he does not live with us) and I do not get much time together and so we were looking forward to having more time when he's off work and DS is at school, so this P/T timetable has put a stop to that.

I agreed to the P/T timetable because I need time off from DS and I don't want him to be excluded again (which is likely). I'm lucky that work has been amazing and I'm going to work 9-12 two days a week to herb my hours in. I emailed school saying that I agree to P/T hours 9-12 and that on my work days I'll get to school a soon as I can. There are a couple of days I have counselling and can't cant be before 2 but said I'll ask my mum to pick up these day she if she's off, otherwise I'll collect at 2. I also said that in September he should return to school full time.

I received a letter from school yesterday saying that DS will be in school for 15 hours a week 8:50 - 11:30 and that when I have counselling I should take DS with me. They also requested that I work with them so I emailed back asking them to work with me! Stressed is an understatement.

Mum had previously agreed to have DS every other Saturday night and I checked with her yesterday if she was still OK to have him tonight. She confirmed that she isn't doing anything and so to bring him around after she's back from work.

This morning, she text saying that she's not able to have DS tonight's as she has stuff to do. I really need some time outside of this house!!

So if I just ignore this message and pretend I haven't received it, AIBU?

An I'll just say, I'm a single mum, and I'm very lucky and greatful to have my mum! I understand how important it is to have some time to myself and I also know what it feels like when you have plans you've looked forward to but then have to cancel.

Can you try and turn it round into a lovely evening for you and your son to connect and talk or like I said before, include the 3 of you?

User1469550720 that is so unkind. I don't have full time SN child but a DSS with Autism. Hard enough every other weekend with a husband and adult children around. Everyone has the right to want a little respite. Not to mention some quality time with another adult who offers emotional and physical companionship. Motherhood shouldn't be a competition of martyrdom and she is completely entitled to feel let down and disappointment at the plans she made.

That said , whilst it is disappointing, it's not fair to put it on your mum.
Good idea to post in SN section as people with experience and advice will be able to help better.

I find this thread incredibly sad.
Let me start by saying that you are not unreasonable to want and need time away from your son, away from the challenges of his behaviour, away from the house you both occupy and away from the everyday mundane. I think a lot of people who have commented on this post probably don't fully understand the challenges of being a single parent and raising a child with SN. What I will say to you though OP is that by the sounds of it, your priorities are completely wrong. Please do not prioritise anything, not your relationship, not your work, not your free time over your son who needs you more than you can possibly know. You and his Nana are his advocates, his strongest supporters and the two people that he couldn't possibly be without. I can understand your disappointment at being let down by your Mum, but she does you a favour in looking after your grandson - if she changes her mind that's her choice and you need to be realistic, mature and flexible enough to cope with the disappointment and the sudden change of plans. What is troubling to me is that you see school as respite, it's not, and teachers can only do so much in handling your son's SEN requirements whilst also dealing with 30 other children. If he is not getting the support he needs from the school, or the council, you MUST sort this out now, call the headteacher everyday if you have to to ensure that your son gets the education he needs and deserves. Your son won't be 10.5 forever, and if neither you nor he know how to effectively control the ADHD and ASD he has then OP I'm so sorry to say but he doesn't have much of a future outside of possibly becoming another statistic. How will he hold down a job? Will he understand authority? Responsibility? Self control? What if he has children? What kind of man will he be? What kind of Dad? You need to have the confidence to not run away from the problem staring at you in the face which is your son's unchecked, unmonitored ASD and ADHD and this is the reason you feel unsupported. Stop hiding behind your Mum, your relationship and your job and on Monday start afresh. Go to the school and start getting the support your son needs.

I think you have to respect your mum's decision. She doesn't have to help and might withdraw her help altogether if you pretend not to see the text. It sounds like she does a lot for you already.

Even if she just wants some time to herself to water the garden, I think you would be very unfair to try and force her into it.

So what is DS doing outside of school hours, when he should be in school?

I bet my bottom dollar he is home playing on Xbox, and that it will not encourage him to behave..... be naughty at school = extra fortnite time.

Make it so that school hours = schoolwork. He comes home for the afternoon and has to read. No Xbox. No iPad. No tv.

OP, I feel for you. You absolutely do need self care and you look to be doing the best you can in an awful situation. I don't have SN kids and I have a very hands on DH and life is exhausting. I teach a class with a very demanding SN child in and I often see the desperation in his mum when she collects him from school. I see the bruises and the cuts and I've seen video footage of what this lady is subjected to at home. I have no idea how hard it must be to live that every day.

You deserve a break and I can see why you're frustrated at your mum. This doesn't mean you don't appreciate her.

Don't just pretend you didn't get the text. Call her and find out what's really going on. You can't make her have him, don't try a guilt trip but just be honest with her and try to accept graciously if she still says no. She has every right to and I don't think you can do much about that.

for you.

Why should it be a punishment for him to be at home with me in the afternoons? Plus it's absolutely beautiful weather. We're going to spend the afternoons walking the dog and trying to talk about his feelings. We also have a few museums to visit and skateboarding to do. I'm hoping to use this extra time to improve our bond and to try to convince him that his head teacher isn't a bitch and that she's part of our Team as his trust in her has totally diminished. Also, school have told me on no uncertain terms that Fortnite is not appropriate for DS even though the whole school was playing it. We don't have a PC at home but my BF does and so I asked BF if I could use it as a reward that if he had a good week at school, he could have some time on Fortnite. He cried when he first went on it because he was so happy. He really felt part of the group of boys a team school and now he can't go on it, it's another reminder of how he's different. So no, no extra Fornite time.

It's amazing that your mum has offered to have your DS every other Saturday - he sounds like he is really hard work.

This is a double edged sword - it means you need a break maybe more than most, but also, that as a grandchild, he is perhaps harder work and more exhausting to look after than most.

The school stipulations haven't only inconvenienced you, but also your mum, who is picking up more slack than she bargained for.

When she agreed to have your DS every other Saturday, did she realise she'd also be picking him up earlier than 3:30pm?

It sounds like you expect your mum to pick up your DS at 12:00 noon on the days that you are at counselling - which seems to be twice a week?

If your mum has agreed to that, she's an angel, quite frankly - she's still working herself, probably more hours than you, and this arrangement is seriously eating into her free time.

Maybe you need to suggest that she has DS every 3rd week, in light of the increased amount of time she is spending with DS as a result of school not being able to cope with him after 11:30pm.

I asked about the counselling days, and she's working and so I'll have to collect DS at 2 on that day. There's only one session left before summer holidays and that's the only day I can't collect him at midday.

There are plenty of parents who dread summer holidays & spending more time with their children, so I get where you're coming from, as your time with your son sounds extra challenging & stressful.

Others dread summer holidays because they don't get to spend additional time with their children, and feel shitty parents as they have to go to work 5 days a week - I'm one of them, but know other mums who are FT at home and count the days till their DCs go back to school.

Summer holidays are challenging no matter which side of the fence you're sitting on.

What is your mum doing with your DS, as it sounds like they have a nice time together & enjoy each other's company.

Also, are there any council run groups for families with children with additional needs during the summer holidays? What about putting yourself forward for a support person with the government run volunteer scheme - ask the CVS - you might be able to get an additional adult to support you on your days off. This might be a bad idea, but it might not be.

Why should it be a punishment for him to be at home with me in the afternoons?

Yes, why offer your son any consequences for being excluded from school? Obviously the whole “look son, misbehave and you can spend the afternoon skateboarding” is working out so well for you.

Op whereabouts in the country are you? My ds nursery takes children up to end of year six with or without special needs.
They will take children in school hours also.

You sound at the end of your tether. I appreciate how hard this whole situation must be for you. We have many children in our large primary school who have various special educational needs. They have provision plans and are given as much support as possible. A few of these children have very serious behaviour problems and are also cared for well and given more support. But in my class, there is only me, and one hour of support per day from a TA. I have 30 children to educate, ensure progress, meet with parents, support various emotional issues etc. Any extra support that I need for one of my class means that support is taken from another class.
In the past year, 3 of our children, who have been given as much 1:1 support as possible have been put onto a reduced timetable - different for each child, depending upon their needs. This is never done lightly and always in conjunction with parents, SENCO, school health services and sometimes volunteer support agencies that provide some time at home to help parent and child. On two occasions, the children have been re introduced to school, (both I have to add with appropriate medication). We have no extra support for them but they return more able to cope and are both happy. The third now has a place in an ASD unit attached to a mainstream school.
My advice would be to approach school and work with them to create a plan with as much support from other agencies as you can. Your son is struggling at the moment, but that does not always have to be the case. However, you are his advocate and it is you who will have to be proactive. Make him your priority - best wishes to you.

As in school age children in school hours, my home schooled ds went part time with his younger siblings.

But if you do post in the SN section, please ask specific questions about negotiating the school's part-time hours (I'm wondering if their suggestion of 8:50 to 11:30 fits the morning session and, if your son were there until 12, that would be part of the dinner break also); and also ask about respite options. For example, have you looked at your council's Local Offer pages to see if there are any specialist clubs your child could join?

As for sympathy, don't expect much more in the SN section - we're all in the same boat as regards lack of "me time". Sorry.

The behaviour DS is exhibiting is not him "being naughty", it's him getting to a point where he's overwhelmed and then reacts impulsively due to his autism and ADHD and then becomes dangerous. I will not punish him for something that he has no control over. School are putting him on a P/T timetable because he finds it much harder in the afternoons to regulate than in the mornings. School have also made it perfectly clear that they will contact me if they have to exclude him during the morning sessions.

DS is not a bad kid. When we go out with friends and he gets overwhelmed, he'll take himself off to have some quiet time or will let me know so I can try to engineer something for him that will help him to calm down. At school, with so much going on, he's unable to do that. When he was excluded last Wednesday, the behaviour that lead to the exclusion was because he was trying to go to a room to calm down that had been agreed between him and his teachers but the room was in use by some TAs and so he wasn't able to use it. He then went into another room, pushed a table in front of the door, removed the window lock and threatened to jump out of the window.

So no, I'm not going to use these afternoons to punish him.

How old are you OP?

This sounds incredibly difficult for all involved. Don't alienate your mother by childishly pretending to have not received the text. She sounds like your rock and her much needed support will carry you through so you'd be a fool to risk that over some apparently much needed time with your boyfriend.

It seems that you haven't really grasped the severity of how much you need to stand up and start captaining your own ship.

How are you managing financially if you're only working such minimal hours?

You seem to respond as though it's everyone else causing you the headache in life and not really seeing or understanding that it's all really your responsibility.

I wouldn't ignore the text but I would absolutely call her out on it given she just confirmed!! It's not ok for her to let you down last minute without explaining.

Then, I would contact social services. You are a LP with a child who has SEN. You may qualify for respite. Please look into this.

Also call IPSEA. Parent Partnership is not a neutral service, they side the the LEA. You need proper advice. 1. Are the exclusions legal? 2. Is the p/t with no clear plan to integrate legal? 3. Why are the schools using punishment to remove the breaks that were designed to prevent the problem behaviour in the first place?

Seriously, OP. SOCIAL SERVICES AND A LAWYER/advocate!!

I have an 11 year old ASD son. Your school aren't allowed to refuse to educate your child full-time - phone your LEA and ask to speak to their exclusions / inclusions service and explain what is going on, they should be able to help. I would not agree to part-time, its not helping anyone, either mainstream needs to be adjusted with TA etc and maybe a desk outside he can go to when things get too much or he gets moved to a special school. P/t is just delaying the problem and passing it on to you. Some schools are much better than others, could you look round other schools. Re your Mum she probably needs a break too though I know its hard. My son had a very challenging 2 years in y3/y4 but has been fine y5/y6 so they can improve - he's gone from full-time TA to zero.

@GinghamStyle is there no school with a specific special needs provision anywhere near you?

If the school cannot deal with the behaviour that manifests as a result of his Autism and ADHD then these exclusions, reduced timetables and punishments are going to become recurrent until they finally pull the cord and say no more.

How do you honestly expect the school to deal with your son barricading himself into classrooms and threatening to jump out of windows?
As much as that is him detaching from the situation and trying to 'diffuse' himself, it's not safe!
He needs to know this.
You aren't doing yourself any favours by rewarding that behaviour, it's just reinforcing the fact that if he can't cope with a situation he can do what he wants to deal with it and that you'll pick up the pieces; he'll get some sort of a treat at the end (skateboarding, screen time..) when he should be in school.

Don't do that to your Mum. I
Some people think it's their god given right that grandparents have to look after their grandchildren. I would never do this to my mum. Yr lucky she looks after him at all. If you find it difficult then how must it be her? Esp after a day at work plus she's older than you. If you ignore her text she might not look after him again and who could blame her?

My son, now 36, went to a special school from the age of 4 to 18; he was never offered a place in a mainstream school. The philosophy of the special school was that every child deserved a full-time education, and no child was excluded for behavioural reasons. If a child ‘mis-behaved’ it was deemed to be the school’s responsibility to try as many strategies as necessary.
You have my sympathies OP. I loathed school holidays with a passion, because looking after a child with SEN can be beyond hard. However, you do need to don your tin hat and your warrior parent armour to get any support - it’s a dwindling resource. I get you are disappointed your mum has cancelled on you, but she has a life too.

I've always lived on my own since 16. I'm very independent and have always coped as best I could with DS. It has been really good admitting that I need help and support and my MAT worker has been fantastic, as has my counselling.

The MAT worker advised that I not agree to the P/T timetable but as I'm so scared of DS being excluded again, I am going with it if he can go 9-12 and with the exception of one day when I have counselling.

School know how hard it is for me and they referred me to the MAT team. I've also been upfront with them that I'm on antidepressants and go to counselling. School also know what little support I have.

I'm always the person who helps others and it's very rare for me now to have times like I've had this week when I've had my anxiety going crazy and spent 2 days crying and worrying about DS, whether he'd be better off in foster care etc. Luckily, I have good friends and my mum helped me by having him on Monday and she's also spoken to my uncle who has a family member who works with autism, it's a long reach for support, but I guess in her knowing more it's all helping.

The problem right now is that I received a letter from school yesterday regarding his P/T hours after office hours and so I've been unable to contact anybody for advice and other than sending an email back whivh i hope goes down okay! But Monday hopefully I'll get some proper advice about it all.

Inclusion have said that as DS does not have a ECHP, he'll not be able to get a place at a specialist school so I hope that comes through fast if that it what he needs.

Is it all or nothing with your mum? It sounds like she is really supportive. Could you tell her how you are feeling and ask if she could give you a couple of hours' break, rather than the overnight you had planned? It might be a happy compromise for you all?

Regarding school, you agreed to mornings. I think it would be completely acceptable to reply to the proposed timings to say you agree to every day until 12 (and if you only have one day of counselling left, could your mum cover that day for you?). You are working - they have to respect that.

It sounds like there is a lot going on at the moment for both you and DS, and hopefully things will be put in place to provide the best support so that he can enjoy a full time education. I hope that the forthcoming meetings bring some good news.