To pretend I didn't receive the text

[GinghamStyle]

So background for context. I'm a LP to DS (10.5) currently at the end of Y5. He has ASD and ADHD. He was excluded from school on Wednesday last week until this Wednesday. DS stayed with my mum Monday night to give me a bit of a break as the whole thing had really stressed me out.

At the reintegration meeting on Wednesday, school suggested that he move onto a P/T timetables gling to school in the mornings a school it's the afternoon where he struggles the most. I've recently reduced my hours at work from 3 days to 1 day so I can have time to go to support groups for parents of SEN children, attend counselling and have more time for myself. My boyfriend (who is just that, he does not live with us) and I do not get much time together and so we were looking forward to having more time when he's off work and DS is at school, so this P/T timetable has put a stop to that.

I agreed to the P/T timetable because I need time off from DS and I don't want him to be excluded again (which is likely). I'm lucky that work has been amazing and I'm going to work 9-12 two days a week to herb my hours in. I emailed school saying that I agree to P/T hours 9-12 and that on my work days I'll get to school a soon as I can. There are a couple of days I have counselling and can't cant be before 2 but said I'll ask my mum to pick up these day she if she's off, otherwise I'll collect at 2. I also said that in September he should return to school full time.

I received a letter from school yesterday saying that DS will be in school for 15 hours a week 8:50 - 11:30 and that when I have counselling I should take DS with me. They also requested that I work with them so I emailed back asking them to work with me! Stressed is an understatement.

Mum had previously agreed to have DS every other Saturday night and I checked with her yesterday if she was still OK to have him tonight. She confirmed that she isn't doing anything and so to bring him around after she's back from work.

This morning, she text saying that she's not able to have DS tonight's as she has stuff to do. I really need some time outside of this house!!

So if I just ignore this message and pretend I haven't received it, AIBU?

I do feel for you OP, but definitely don't just rock up at your Mum's house.

Do your boyfriend and son know each other? On an evening like this would you be able to take a picnic or even a takeaway to a park somewhere all together? Would your son manage that? It just gets you all out of the house and potentially you could have a good time all 3 of you.

The behaviour DS is exhibiting is not him "being naughty", it's him getting to a point where he's overwhelmed and then reacts impulsively due to his autism and ADHD and then becomes dangerous.

Yes, impulse control and self regulation are both hindered in children with ASD, ADHD, and FASD. Is it an excuse for them to behave badly? Nope. Do they still require consequences for their behaviour? Yep. Will excusing them make the problem worse? Yep.

The school should be working with him on building his skills in these areas. You can teach a child to control their impulses and self-regulate their emotions, but it takes an expert in the area and TIME. Sending him home for the afternoon means he's missing the time he could be spent learning these skills. It's not on you, OP, it's on our education system which is massively failing our children who have SEN.

*excessive use of 'all' - I am back from 3 hours at the school fete. That's my excuse and I'm sticking with it!

I get what PPs are saying about rewarding the behaviour but if I use these afternoons to punish him, we'll just end up in a battle of wills with him calling me a cunt and it wjust my help anybody. If I take him out and we do things together, I can use the time while he's in a good mood to try to unpick what the underlying issues are and help to give him the coping mechanisms and skills to deal with things better. He's currently going through a lot and he finds it difficult to process things. Often when he's shitty with me after school, it'll turn out to be because something happened with a friend earlier or the day before and he's upset but couldny find the words. I am always reminding him that we're a team and together we can work things out, and he isn't getting better but it's going to take time.

Also, I don't expect school to cope with him threatening to climb out of windows. I'm not disagreeing that he finds it hard to regulate or that his behaviour is sometimes extreme, which is why I have agreed to the P/T timetable because I know it'll happen again and I know they'll exclude him.

He's currently 2 years behind his peers academically and goodness knows how much socially/emotionally.

The P/T timetable does allow him to access Maths and English but not the creative subjects which he is best at. He has a keen interest in science, history, art and nature. We are always visiting museums and NT properties anyway and we can do more of this in the afternoons outside of school. He also Needs down time and so will also be able to play with his Lego and skateboard.

Please please contact IPSEA. His needs don't appear to be getting met in his current provision. Unfortunately he requires an EHCP in order to seek specialist provision but in the mean time the school have a legal obligation.

I get that you are trying, OP. Hats off to you as that's all you can do without proper advice in dealing with complex behaviour. 💐

This is the first Saturday that my BF is not working in months and so the first time in months we can go out for a meal and spend some quality time together

It's really hard work having a SN child with no support - but I don't think you can expect your mother to do any more than she's comfortable with. Also, having brought up a SN child myself, and therefore having plenty of friends in the same position, a lot of us didn't get to go out for a meal in years, let alone months.
You do have 'some' support, but not as much as you'd like and probably not as much as you need. You need to get a social worker to assess your needs for some respite care.

Your mother had him overnight last Monday. You are relying on her having him every other Saturday. That's a lot of respite care from most points of view, and doesn't sound maintainable.
Cooking something together at home, was how I kept sane-ish.
I don't mean this in a bad way, but it is much easier if you lower your expectations of people.

FWIW, my mother never looked after my SN child, not once. She found it too demanding. You need to contact SS for help.

If the "4 walls" is an issue why can't you go out with your DS and your BF together? You can go out to an early evening dinner.

It seems to be DS or BF and if BF is in it for the long haul maybe you should do more as a 3. If he doesn't want dinner with your DS then what does he see for the future with you? You can't send DS away to go out with your BF.

FWIW, I'm married, 2 kids and rarely go out as we have zero family to help. This has not destroyed my relationship - we love each other.

If you and your BF need to go "OUT" for you to have a good relationship I would question whether he sees your DS as part of you?

From what I understand formal exclusions will help get an EHCP, p/t won't as the problem is hidden and you are solving it for free but its not a solution that works for you or your son. If you want him in a special school I would say no to part-time. He clearly can't cope where he is if he's trying to hang himself and jump out of windows, he needs proper support or to be somewhere they will be able to look after him better. If you phone the LEA inclusions and/or special needs they should be able to advise - mine told me not to do part-time and insisted the school put a TA in place which they then did. Mine also was given a desk of his own he could go to with a TA if things got too much and it was always there, he was allowed his 15 teddies on it and a curtain under the bottom half so he could hide. It helped with the worst days and he's now come through OK.

It isn't a competition between me and my mum as to who has him more. I started my reduced hours after half term.

Week 1 went as planned with counselling, meeting with MAT worker and going to work.

Week 2, I received a phonecall from school to collect DS early due to his behaviour.

Week 3, last week, I had counselling on Tuesday. Received phonecall where DS was up a tree and they're coming considering PRU for him. School also mentioned that as HT is at training course the following Monday/Tuesday, can I keep DS at home on these days. Rearrange counselling to the end of week to accommodate this. Arrange to see MAT worker first thing the next day to discuss and go through options/way forward. Receive a phonecall at 2pm to collect DS am deathly find out he's being excluded. Exclusion up to following Wednesday and so includes the days when HT is not in (convenient).

This week - "Reintergration Meeting" Wednesday morning before going to work (late) and school proposes P/T timetable with pressure to start that same day. Call work to let them know I'll not be in due to having to make 101 phone calls then make 101 phone calls. Thursday agree to P/T timetable and while at work, negotiate how to make up all of the hours/days that I owe. Friday, receive letter in post suggesting that P/T timetable continues in September and proposes school hours of 8:50-11:30 each day.

The stuff with my mum really is inconsequential as that's really about her being able to say no to be because "I can cope" but not my siblings. Her reason for not wanting to have DS tonight is because she looked after her GD last night while her parents went shopping and they didn't come back until late. We've had a chat in the meantime and we've worked out a solution. I've also had some really good chats with her this week about DS and she's been so supportive, it's like aliens have abducted my mum and left me with a replacement! We're always doing things for each other and I help her out as much as I can whenever I can.

It isn't a competition between me and my mum as to who has him more

Well no, I should think not as you are the child’s mother and she is not.

Someone said she has him more than me, which she clearly doesn't

it's just coming across as the boyfriend is the priority op

Op, I know it's hard. Believe me.

Where is he hearing the word 'cunt' at his age though?
You absolutely have to punish him for that.

It's not acceptable.

You cannot expect him to regulate and start behaving under his own steam when you're not guiding him in what's right and wrong.
It's always easier to not punish kids, that doesn't mean it's the answer though.

If you as his parent, his constant, aren't telling him that the way he is behaving isn't acceptable then how is he ever going to learn?
You are making a rod for your own back.
When he becomes a teenager (who maybe taller/stronger than you) it's going to become much, much harder.

Get support, forget your boyfriend for now and work on how to address his behaviour together.
This is clearly a much bigger issue than you having dinner with the boyfriend.

Dig your heels in and refuse to budge until someone listens to you and gives you the help/support you need.
Once you have the plans in place, it'll be easier for you to have that time for yourself.

I'm sorry, but I'm not feeling any sort of sympathy for you at all.
You moan about how you never get out the house, yet it was only a month and half ago you was asking what Chinese to order with your friends.

Some lone parents don't get to go out at all. You really should be counting your lucky stars.

Yes, I'm sorry your son has behaviour issues.
But you can't shift YOUR child on to someone else because of this. Because you are stressed and need some time off.

Don't we all with kids?

This is part of parenting. And you signed up to it when you brought him into this world. You can't just cut slack now the going gets hard.

what do you,ds and bf do together??

The expectation of going out - SN etc aside - I always find a bit baffling. Dh and I have been out for dinner alone once since we became parents 13 years ago. We do have three children, and there is a big age gap between the second and third which means we have in effect 'started again', but we've never really had an expectation of 'going out'. I get it's hard when you have't yet had that phase in your relationship. But I think it can be quite an unrealistic expectation even when no SN are involved (all ours are NT, or at least pretty much so).

Your mum sounds like she needs a break as well op with her job and looking after your son a lot as well as other gc.
I also don’t think that expecting your ds to do work in school hours when he’s excluded is a punishment. It’s not - it’s making it the same as a regular day and will prevent him from falling further behind. Skateboarding etc can happen at lunchtime/after 3 as it would if he were in school.

Why should it be a punishment for him to be at home with me in the afternoons?
Because being excluded from school is supposed to be a punishment not a holiday! If you take him out and let him enjoy himself he'll just ensure he gets excluded again so the fun can continue.

From what I understand, the school wants you to collect him at 12pm but you're saying you can't collect till 2pm some days? So the school wants him to be there for 3 hours (for his own benefit) but you're going to leave him for nearly double that - 5 hours! That isn't being a bit late - considering school ends about 3.15 he'll basically be there all day. How is that helping him if he can't cope with a full day at school?

I agree with posters who pointed out that your main concern seems to be how this will impinge on YOUR free time, not what's best for your DS. You and your bf don't want him, your mum doesn't want him, the school doesn't want him, and apparently his behaviour is so difficult that he can't have a babysitter either. If he's so hard to handle then perhaps you should speak to social services about respite care and a special school? And YABU to just turn up and try to dump him on your mum after she's said no.

i do think that those with DP/DH that say they hardly go out is differrent to being a single parent or in a newish relationship

many established couples will of had the child with SN together and that does make a huge differrence

like it or not with a relationship with somebody not the mother or father will in the begining not be as emotionally etc invested in the child which does make having an adult relationship difficult

I'm afraid you're coming across as massively selfish. You don't want your child, your mother can't have him, school have excluded him.
You're putting yourself before his needs. No wonder he's struggling at school.
Part time timetables are a positive way of ensuring he does not get excluded. It's not about school not coping with him, it's about him not coping with school.
You have two choices, support your son with a part time timetable, or have him full time next time he's excluded.

I do sympathise with you. I'm a single mum to a boy with severe autism and GDD as well as his n/t twin.
I adore my boys, but sometimes I do need a break. I do need to get out. I do need to have a bit of time as a person and a woman, otherwise I start to feel like I'm coming apart at the seams.
I hate that I have to rely on other people so much for this. And if I'm honest, when someone I've been depending on cancels and I lose the precious free time i was so looking forward to, i feel terrible. I will have a cry and feel sorry for myself. I know full well I'm being unreasonable, but there it is.

Cana her ds isn’t being excluded he is going on a reduced timetable to better meet his needs.

it's just coming across as the boyfriend is the priority op

No it doesn't, just as usual all the little sheeples are out in force to stick the boot in. Makes them feel good on a Saturday night

I hear you OP, it is bone crushingly disappointing when time off plans change. Self care is important as you can't pour from and empty cup. So what if it's a shag? Bloody good for you sex and helps set you right to pick the load back up.

OP try post in the SN section about all your niggles with the school. Focus on his ehcp and certainly don't punish him for being on reduced timetable, that won't help his anxiety.

Op I think you are coming across all wrong here but thats because you are at your wits end. Each and every day must be so tough that the thought of losing a much needed night out seems devastating to you? I get it, not this exact situation but I do.