To pretend I didn't receive the text

[GinghamStyle]

So background for context. I'm a LP to DS (10.5) currently at the end of Y5. He has ASD and ADHD. He was excluded from school on Wednesday last week until this Wednesday. DS stayed with my mum Monday night to give me a bit of a break as the whole thing had really stressed me out.

At the reintegration meeting on Wednesday, school suggested that he move onto a P/T timetables gling to school in the mornings a school it's the afternoon where he struggles the most. I've recently reduced my hours at work from 3 days to 1 day so I can have time to go to support groups for parents of SEN children, attend counselling and have more time for myself. My boyfriend (who is just that, he does not live with us) and I do not get much time together and so we were looking forward to having more time when he's off work and DS is at school, so this P/T timetable has put a stop to that.

I agreed to the P/T timetable because I need time off from DS and I don't want him to be excluded again (which is likely). I'm lucky that work has been amazing and I'm going to work 9-12 two days a week to herb my hours in. I emailed school saying that I agree to P/T hours 9-12 and that on my work days I'll get to school a soon as I can. There are a couple of days I have counselling and can't cant be before 2 but said I'll ask my mum to pick up these day she if she's off, otherwise I'll collect at 2. I also said that in September he should return to school full time.

I received a letter from school yesterday saying that DS will be in school for 15 hours a week 8:50 - 11:30 and that when I have counselling I should take DS with me. They also requested that I work with them so I emailed back asking them to work with me! Stressed is an understatement.

Mum had previously agreed to have DS every other Saturday night and I checked with her yesterday if she was still OK to have him tonight. She confirmed that she isn't doing anything and so to bring him around after she's back from work.

This morning, she text saying that she's not able to have DS tonight's as she has stuff to do. I really need some time outside of this house!!

So if I just ignore this message and pretend I haven't received it, AIBU?

Do you claim dla op you could use that to pay for some holiday childcare .

I have an Asd child and am a single parent. I sympathise at is it really fucking hard.

But YABU to ignore her text. I know you feel overwhelmed and in need of a break, but if she has been helping out more recently, she might be feeling in need of a break too.

Yabu your child is your responsibility not your mums. If I was your mum and I told you I'm not having your child and you still arrived with him anyway I'd be fuming with you. I understand you are stressed out etc but this isn't on and you know it

Yabvu

He is your son, your responsibility. Like you said she is your only support system and she sounds like she helps you out enough. Your mum wants to do her own thing she shouldnt even need to make up an excuse if she wants her own evening to herself.

You sound very unreasonable on your son, wanting him out of the way so you can have special time with your boyfriend. Your poor son. He should come first. Always.

Your child is entitled to a full time school place - certainly from September, however it doesn't sound like this school is the best one for his needs. Keep hounding the school for them to get him moved to a more appropriate school, if they can't meet his needs full time.

You know yabu regarding your mum but you do sound at the end of your tether. Try hounding for more support for parenting autistic kids/parenting classes etc. The more noise you make, the more help you are likely to get. Those seen to be coping are left well alone to get on with it.

I think it might be a good idea to ask for this to be moved to SN chat. You will get more knowledgeable replies.

And I speak from experience of having no support system, no partner, no help. EVER.

My child is not a burden. Sure I could use a night off but she is my child, my responsibility and she comes before any man.

I’m finding your attitude of prioritising your boyfriend over your son and disregarding your (already very helpful) mother a bit 😱

The school are not doing their job OP. Your DS needs his education no matter what he has been diagnosed with. my dear you must be feeling so worn out .

What are the school doing to support your ds that doesnt involve cutting his hours? How is he going to manage full time in the future?

How often do you listen to and support your mum? If all sounds one sided.

Try adjusting your expectations a bit too - dh and I never get time out ever. We don’t have family nearby. We make the best of it.

The part time timetable seems very hard - how are you coping financially? Looking forwards you’ll have to think about that for if the part time timetable continues so I’d definitely try and talk to the school and ensure they deal with things in advance.

OP doesn't come across as selfish to me at all she's literally rearranged her entire life to accommodate her son who had sen. Bloody hell, I can only imagine what your day to day life is like. I have a dh and 2 NT children and I find life exhausting a lot of the time!

Ofcourse you'd be unreasonable to ignore the text, but yanbu to be thoroughly disappointed and even quietly pissed off that your mum has cancelled on you and your boy at very little notice.
You actually sound like a great mum with an awful lot on your plate. It's more than fine to want 1 bloody night of respite away from the chaos (the chaos being the situation NOT your d's!)

Those seen to be coping are left well alone to get on with it.

I hear this a lot in relation to schools / LAs and children with SEN. Definitely worth pursuing the school.

A night out for dinner with your bf is the absolute least of your worries, though I can only imagine it’s the last straw for you. Try not to get upset with your mum, who it seems is supporting you. It seems like the school is the problem, not her.

@Knitty! Yes of course teachers are leaving the profession because children with special needs deserve an education! What a stupid thing to say. Perhaps if more teachers had better training to work WITH children with special needs then they Wouldn’t be failing these children

OP, does your mum find him easier to manage?

@ginswinger excuse me but you have absolutely NO idea of my situation and I'm saying that as a single mum also so I get it. But don't assume, Thank you very much

How many of you on here have SN child may i ask as some of you really have no clue how hard and stressful it is raising a sen child specially being a lone parent. Op was looking forward to one night off but sadly this had to be cancelled. But i would not say to your mum op you did not get the text. Just make another arrangement with your dm and look forward to it.

And yes i have a disabled dd who i have raised on my own most of her life with very limited help but op you need to find other places that can help you. I would recommend asking your local carers service for anyone who can help eg micro providers. They are a paid service but will help from taking your ds out to helping around the house.

So, basically, you want to disregard your Mother's wishes to dump your child on her so you can get pissed and shag?

All the info about SEN and school issues is irrelevant to the AIBU and just included to try to make us feel sorry for you.

You are being massively unreasonable to both your child, and your mother.

No matter what OP, your child comes first.
Before anything, especially a relationship.

If your boyfriend can't cope with that idea then you need to go separate ways and honestly that wouldn't be the worst thing for you right now.

You need to focus on your son. You are his voice. Focus on getting your strength up and sorting what he is entitled to with regards to SEN help/school.

Once everything is in place for that and your son is secure, THEN you can focus on getting yourself into a relationship.

Unbelievable that you'd put a dinner before the well-being of your (very helpful) mum and your son.

My DS is of a similar age with ASD & ADHD too. He also went through exclusions. I asked my mum could she help me out by collecting him one day a week when he had to change to an alternative provision school as I was working almost FT and didn't want to lose my job (she doesn't work, I'm a single parent, ex wouldn't do fuck all) and I was screamed at and told I was 'ruining her life' by asking and she wouldn't do it. I was at rock bottom and desperate for help, ended up with counselling and AD's so you ABVU demanding she take your DS on a weekend when she helps you out so much already.

That aside, you definitely need to pursue a SN school for him, my DS is like a different child since he changed to a school that suits his needs and I don't need to worry about him constantly like I did when he was in mainstream school.

Elusive my dd has asd, sensory processing disorder and learning difficulties I completely understand how hard it is bringing up a child with Sen. I have never had a night off from her and she is nearly 8! I still think op would bu for ignoring her mums text. She's very lucky to have her support and I appreciate that it's disappointing to have to change plans but unfortunately it happens.

I love my son so much and we've been through so much to get to this point. I spent years constantly being told he was naughty by everyone. We've had experience of some awful teachers and being on my own, it has been so so hard and I've not always coped and looking back, there are memories of being an awful "mum" and also big parts that I can't remember because I was constantly being told off for his behaviour and nothing I could do changed it, it just got worse and the pressure even more so.

He is now at Junior school and when he first started, the school saw him for being him and not just his behaviour and had lots of plans about how they would guide him through these junior years for him to be ready for secondary.

It took for my son to try to hang himself in a tree at school for my mum to finally acknowledge that he has autism and ADHD and that he isn't just a naughty little boy. Since then, she has been very supportive and she's seen that I need her support and has been helping me by having him for sleepovers and not undermining me with consequences and is learning to say no to him.

I support her a lot and in fact my counsellor is helping me to ignore her hints as our mother/daughter relationship is often upside down with me giving her a lot more support than she gives me. She hints at something being wrong and I rush in to fix it. She's been through a lot during her life and although she's not always made the right choices, I know she always does her best for me and my siblings and at the moment our relationship is the best it's ever been.

Regarding school and all the stuff with DS, I'm going to be speaking to my MAT worker on Monday and Parent Partnership have told me to contact them after the TAF on Wednesday.

DS is absolutely my priority but in order to be a good mum to him, I also need to do self care which includes going to counselling and having some time to myself.

My boyfriend isn't more of a priority than my son. If it was a friend coming to see me in the evenings like he does, it would be the same. I feel so trapped by these 4 walls and I need to get out.

There hasn't been so much said by school lately, I feel our relationship is really breaking down. When we're late, she's told me she's up at 6. When talking about the ECHP, she say she if he gets a TA it'll just be another member of staff to swear at and in the afternoons he can play in the sand like a toddler.

I try my best with DS but this whole thing is making my anxiety so bad.

Everything HarshingMyMellow said

Could you not use this time to have some proper 1-1 time with your son ?

Or has your son met your bf?could the 3 of you do something nice?

One of the worse decisions past governments have made, in my opinion, was getting rid of special schools and siphoning those children with special needs into mainstream education. The other was cutting down on grammar schools.

I've taught in special schools and I've supported children with special needs in mainstream schools so have seen first hand the difficulties and the successes with both systems. Most special schools devise an individual timetable for each child built around their strengths and weaknesses and their interests which surely has to be better for the child's development. In my experience, the child with special needs in a mainstream setting is just getting a watered down education and this is often at the expense of the others in the classroom.

Of course, there are different degrees of help required for each children depending on their additional needs but for those who can neither manage their learning or their behaviour I believe a special school education is more preferable.

You are a parent.
'Me time' is not something you are entitled to.
You are lucky to get any at all & in an ideal world we would all get 'me time' but we do not live in an ideal world.

So, sorry, but you are being unreasonable.
You don't get to have a free babysitter so you can have nice evening with your boyfriend just because you have been looking after your own child & that is what you want.

Just be glad your mum does give you a break sometimes.
But remember, she doesn't owe it to you.
She needs her own me time too.