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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To pretend I didn't receive the text

202 replies

GinghamStyle · 30/06/2018 13:38

So background for context. I'm a LP to DS (10.5) currently at the end of Y5. He has ASD and ADHD. He was excluded from school on Wednesday last week until this Wednesday. DS stayed with my mum Monday night to give me a bit of a break as the whole thing had really stressed me out.

At the reintegration meeting on Wednesday, school suggested that he move onto a P/T timetables gling to school in the mornings a school it's the afternoon where he struggles the most. I've recently reduced my hours at work from 3 days to 1 day so I can have time to go to support groups for parents of SEN children, attend counselling and have more time for myself. My boyfriend (who is just that, he does not live with us) and I do not get much time together and so we were looking forward to having more time when he's off work and DS is at school, so this P/T timetable has put a stop to that.

I agreed to the P/T timetable because I need time off from DS and I don't want him to be excluded again (which is likely). I'm lucky that work has been amazing and I'm going to work 9-12 two days a week to herb my hours in. I emailed school saying that I agree to P/T hours 9-12 and that on my work days I'll get to school a soon as I can. There are a couple of days I have counselling and can't cant be before 2 but said I'll ask my mum to pick up these day she if she's off, otherwise I'll collect at 2. I also said that in September he should return to school full time.

I received a letter from school yesterday saying that DS will be in school for 15 hours a week 8:50 - 11:30 and that when I have counselling I should take DS with me. They also requested that I work with them so I emailed back asking them to work with me! Stressed is an understatement.

Mum had previously agreed to have DS every other Saturday night and I checked with her yesterday if she was still OK to have him tonight. She confirmed that she isn't doing anything and so to bring him around after she's back from work.

This morning, she text saying that she's not able to have DS tonight's as she has stuff to do. I really need some time outside of this house!!

So if I just ignore this message and pretend I haven't received it, AIBU?

OP posts:
sockunicorn · 30/06/2018 19:31

your mum had him monday, i think if she has said she needs a rest tonight then you shouldnt try to trick her. she helps out a lot more than either of my childrens grandparents and i think you are very lucky to have her so i wouldnt advise taking advantage and showing up after shes said no.

WigglyBlossom · 30/06/2018 19:37

You come across as very self-centred OP.

Your son should be your priority here.

Starlight345 · 30/06/2018 19:45

Op . I do think you posted in the wrong place .
I do have Ds with adhd and suspected pda and am a Lp with no family help.

It is exhausting some weeks looking after Ds. I not only feel do I feel physically exhausted but also emotionally.

You have acknowledged yabu to ignore the text but yanbu to feel disappointed.

You need to be pushing for echp . You will get lots of people telling you they can’t enforce p/t timetable however if the child can’t cope with a full time table you need to be working towards it.

As for punishment , yes I do believe that children with s/n’s need to be aware that behaviour is unacceptable whether part of impulsive behaviour , meltdown. I wait till my Ds is calm then look what he could do next time but there are some completely unacceptable behaviours and those face consequences here.

SparklyMagpie · 30/06/2018 20:05

So your mum had children last night? See I'm wavering now after more updates

She must be exhausted too!

WaterOffaDucksCrack · 30/06/2018 20:25

I think if you and your boyfriend are bored of each other because you can't go out then you won't last. My boyfriend and I are both single parents with sole responsibility for our children. Staying in together is our quality time tbh! We're just happy to see each other!

Elliebobbins · 30/06/2018 20:47

I think you know that you can't ignore the text but I can understand that you must be feeling really overwhelmed. I thought it might be worth looking into the Prince's Trust Achieve programme for your DS. They can attend from 11 years old and they do lots of activities to help with personal development and can work in conjunction with schools so your DS could attend the Achieve programme on some days and would not be in school full time.

Isawthelight · 30/06/2018 21:06

I'm sorry, but I'm not feeling any sort of sympathy for you at all.
You moan about how you never get out the house, yet it was only a month and half ago you was asking what Chinese to order with your friends

ConfusedConfusedConfused
WTF does that have to do with anything?

Isawthelight · 30/06/2018 21:08

The expectation of going out - SN etc aside - I always find a bit baffling. Dh and I have been out for dinner alone once since we became parents 13 years ago

That sounds utterly dreadful. I couldn't live like that.

MagicNumberyThings · 30/06/2018 21:24

The expectation of going out - SN etc aside - I always find a bit baffling. Dh and I have been out for dinner alone once since we became parents 13 years ago

That sounds utterly dreadful. I couldn't live like that

I don't think anybody plans to live like that, or wants to 'live like that', but sometimes unexpected circumstances are thrust upon us. No support network, no family close by. You just have to do what's necessary. On the other hand, I know people who are quite happy to stay at home. Horses for courses.

MagicNumberyThings · 30/06/2018 21:26

I contradicted myself a bit there. But I think it's fairly clear what I actually meant.

Original poster
GinghamStyle · 30/06/2018 21:47

Mum works Saturdays and so cannot have DS on a Friday. The women from work meet up every couple of months and as I was having a tough time a few months ago, mum said she could have DS for a few hours while I went to one as the lady hosting lives down the road. We had Chinese, drank wine and everyone was home for 10.

Regarding his knowing "cunt", he was at the park a few weeks ago and a younger (Y2) child was swearing. Knowing that one of his rules for the park is No Swearing, he appealed to an older boy (Y8) who told him to "grab him by the cunt". He knows he must not say it and I've had to tell School in case he says it there.

OP posts:
Original poster
GinghamStyle · 30/06/2018 22:02

Re ECHP, the LEA have told School we'll know whether they accept the application or we have to take it rob tribunal by 2 August.

OP posts:
Haudyerwheesht · 01/07/2018 01:37

Not sure what you mean by ‘appealed to an older boy’ . Was the older boy with the y2?

Anyway I really worry about your lack of willingness to impose consequences on your ds. It’s great you understand his conditions affect his behaviour but he cannot just do as he likes and then blame it on asd etc. It’s not setting him up for the real world- he needs to learn better coping strategies now to help him navigate his way though life. You aren’t doing him any favours with this.

Willyoujustbequiet · 01/07/2018 02:07

What is clear from this thread is that a lot of posters have no fucking clue what it is like to be a lone parent to a child with special needs.

It's so easy to judge when you're not walking a mile in someone else's shoes.

Short sighted posters. If the OP doesn't get a break she may well go under and ds left at the mercy of the foster system.

DistanceCall · 01/07/2018 02:31

If I take him out and we do things together, I can use the time while he's in a good mood to try to unpick what the underlying issues are and help to give him the coping mechanisms and skills to deal with things better.

That's what a therapist should do, OP, not you. You are his mother - you are part of the situation for him. The situation sounds pretty suffocating already, for both of you. A third party needs to be involved.

It sounds like you take (or try to take) charge of everything and solve everyone else's problems for them. You can't.

Oswin · 01/07/2018 03:11

All the married mothers with nt kids going om about how they dont get time off really need to shut up.
You have no fucking idea what the Op is going through.

Tomselleckhaskindeyes · 01/07/2018 04:35

Big virtual hugs. I work in education abd Childrens homes and I specialise in children with special needs and behavioural difficulties. In my experience main stream schools do not have much of a clue on how to manage these issues. I have seen many parents and carers in your situation and it is a national scandal. Panorama could do a report on it!

I would say you need to get your son an advocate who can speak up for him. Barnadoes run this service but each local authority have a service.

There are specialist services who can deliever support for you and most parents get these through direct payments.

roseblossom75 · 01/07/2018 04:49

It sounds like your mum is a fantastic support to you, even if she can't always be there. It sounds like she is doing her best to help where she can.

I'm a single parent to a severely disabled child (and two others) and sadly my children don't have any grandparents.

I think you need to appreciate the support your mum gives as there are lots of parents who would give anything for that.

Your mum will have times when she needs time to herself.
She is probably feeling drained too.

Bibesia · 01/07/2018 05:19

It’s a shame that the school is thinking of what is best for your son, and all of the other children in school, by proposing changes which would work for them, rather than being there for free childcare so you can do your terribly important stuff.

WeirdCatLady, how is blatant disability discrimination and the imposition of an illegal exclusion "thinking of what is best" for OP's child? How does being deprived of the right to full time education constitute a change which would work for him?

Ihuntmonsters · 01/07/2018 06:03

Yes, it sounds like the school are thinking about what is easiest for them rather than what is best for the OP's ds who is already far behind his peers and needs more education, not less.

ToDuk · 01/07/2018 06:26

What is clear from this thread is that a lot of posters have no fucking clue what it is like to be a lone parent to a child with special needs.

This. You don't come over as selfish or as prioritising your bf at all but it is clear how hard a time you're having.

The school are letting your son down by not supporting hI'm in education. They need to get support from the LA send team. In our LA there's training on how to step in and help a child stop their behaviours escalating. Sounds like your school need that. It's totally wrong that they just decide that now and even in sept they will only have him pt. It's their responsibility to educate him. The Sen code of conduct makes this very clear.

I'm not sure what a MAT person is. Perhaps they have a different title in our LA. I would look online at your councils local offer and see what is available to you. I would also contact the council's access and inclusion team because they will be keen to help support your child not being excluded / part time.

SugarIsAmazing · 01/07/2018 07:09

Stop worrying about seeing your boyfriend. If he truly loves you he'd be helping you with your son. You seem to be keeping them separate.
Don't worry about your mum, maybe just take the burden off her so she can just be a 'fun nanna' again and not a parent figure.
And toughen up and get some consequences and boundaries in place, and some learning lined up for his part time hours. His exclusion is not for fun activities. Save those activities for weekends.

Bibesia · 01/07/2018 08:10

SugarisAmazing, you clearly know nothing about ASD and ADHD if you seriously think they can be sorted out by consequences and boundaries.

SM2132 · 01/07/2018 09:08

It is so bloody hard at times having a child with additional needs! I have been there also as a single mum looking forward to a bit of me time- it keeps you going. Really upsetting when it is taken away from you. (And yes to the other posters- he is her child, this is what real life is like blah blah, but mums are human too and are allowed to feel disappointed!)

How long have you been with your boyfriend? Any chance of him and your ds meeting in future or is it too early days?

showmewhatyougot · 01/07/2018 09:11

Maybe think about looking into better schools if possible, they shouldn't be trying to make life easier for themselves, they should aim to do what's best for the child and that's clearly not happening atm.

Not to sound harsh, but by the way you describe it, almost sounds like your trying to prioritise yourself and boyfriend above your son. Everything has been about how it's affected you,when in fact everything should be about your son, who clearly needs help. If your like this In real too I imagine it would have a very negative effect on your son, and may be why he would like to spend more "alone" time with his mother, rather then attempt to be at school.
TBH I'm sure this is not the case at all as you sound like you are doing your best, but if it comes across like this on a online forum, it might feel like that too a teenager who needs help x

Hope you both manage to get the needed help x

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