AIBU to tell my ‘son’ to fuck off?

[whateveryousay]

I am so mad, and so hurt that I’ll happily admit I’m not thinking straight, so please tell me AIBU here??

So 2.5years ago, my then 14 yo DD decided that actually, they were a boy. 2 years ago, they socially transitioned, and have lived as a boy since then.

I have always been fully supportive, in that I’ve gone to every CAMHS appt, trailed along to the Tavistock regularly, sorted everything out at school (who have been great), and done my very best for my now DS, I feel, while also being absolutely devastated, and grieving the loss of my perfect daughter.

So, imagine my joy when yesterday he announced that he wanted to go back to being a girl! I can’t explain the feeling, I mean no disrespect here to anyone who has properly lost a child, but I felt like I was being given a glimpse of my ‘dead’ daughter, and a promise that I would see her again soon.

We had a lengthy heart to heart, which was lovely, and he asked me to email the school to set up a meeting about going back to 6th form in September as a girl. We discussed different ‘looks’ he could have as a girl, and planned a shopping trip for clothes for tomorrow. We agreed it would be best to see out the rest of the school year as a boy, but we’d change name and pronouns back again ‘soon’. He did ask me not to tell anyone else for now, as he wanted to do this in his own time.

So today I have been skipping about at work, feeling like a new person, so light and happy, and thinking of our shopping trip tomorrow, and that at last this nightmare is over. Only to get home and be told he may have changed his mind again. He’ll let me know after the weekend.

So, AIBU to think that this is beyond cruel, and tell him to fuck off? I can’t look at him, I just want my daughter back, and I know she’s in there somewhere, because I saw her yesterday.

DS is 16 now.

I just want him out of my house, and my daughter back.

So, AIBU to think that this is beyond cruel, and tell him to fuck off?

You know this would BU, and you aren't going to do it, because as your post shows, you are a kind, loving, supportive parent who has prioritised your child's wishes far above your own feelings on this topic.

I can see this is really hard for you, but don’t tell them to fuck off.
Try and have a conversation about why they feel so confused, and how you can help.

Sorry OP, no wise words, it must be very difficult for you though and it sounds as if you have dealt really well with the circumstances.
Was your DD diagnosed with gender dysphoria? I must admit I didn't know it was as simple as 'deciding' to change gender.

she is still there, just looks different from the outside and uses a different pronoun..
YOu do sound like a lovely supportive parent btw xx

I agree with most. I think you're jus frustrated right now

Don't disown him, you would just feel bad. You are hurting and sad which is understandable. I can't even imagine what this would be like.

I think you need proper support, and someone to talk to you who has been through the same.

Cannot offer advice, just hugs and sympathy.

Op I don’t want to sound goady, I’m gc myself but what’s the difference? What would change apart from pronouns and using the same public toilet etc?

I'd be having firm words with the experts at the Tavistock. I'm guessing, from a position of total ignorance, that its not that unusual to have such doubts. Feel for you must be exceptionally difficult for both of you.

Gosh - yes you are BU. If you are finding this difficult how much more difficult must your child find it ? They are obviously confused - these are veyr big decisions, and it is an indication perhaps that they are struggling to find peace and happiness as either gender.

I think what you should do is support your child whether they want to be your son or your daughter, let them work through all their thoughts and let them know youa re always there for them.

This is the time for them to have doubts to try out new identities to think about how they want to live their life. This changing and rethinking at the moment, may make them think harder about whether they actually want to be a trans man and have surgery to that end or wheterh they want to spend longer living as either gender. Or it may be that your child os person with a very fluid gender who may spend their whole life fluctuating.

Whatever they decide, (and I do understand that this is a huge thing for you to get your head around) I think they are confused rather than being deliberately cruel. We all want our children to be happy, and we have to support them as they find their own way to happiness. You cannot make someone be a person they don't want to be.

Teenagers change their minds constantly about who they are. It's what they do. Just go along with what he/she wants for now.

Very difficult I know, but this is a very confused young person! Just think of him/her as a human being, a kernel of humanity which will never change regardless of what it chooses to look like.

But I think it's ok to let your dc know that you are confused too

I think this is a whole lot harder for your child than you. I appreciate its difficult for you but you need to keep your priorities straight.

I don't think you really mean to tell him to fuck off because your post shows how much you care for him.
Because of that I'd say you are not being unreasonable. I can sympathise with feeling deeply hurt at thinking your DD will 'come back' only to have it snatched away from you. However, I think you would be unreasonable to say this to your DS, who is likely struggling too. I doubt your DD ever did this to hurt you, it's just a very cruel situation.
If you can, maybe try to spend some time alone over the next few days, let yourself cry and grieve and do whatever you need to do. If your DS does decide he wants to be female again, your daughter is back, but if he remains as your son then remember you've gained what sounds like an excellent young man.

OP, I really feel for you.

While I can understand your reaction, your teen's gender identity shouldn't be about you, and your reactions will influence the way they feel about it as it adds pressure outside of all the other complicated things they must be feeling.

I think just keep your anger to yourself, vent on here or to a friend, but not to your teen, and carry on being the supportive parent you've been so far.

I realise my post sounds a little harsh - that wasn't my intention. I have friends going through the same thing with their children and I know it is a huge process for everyone involved.

Your child sound like a brave person who has the courage to say they are not sure. but they are a teen and many teens go through crises of identity, so much harder for those whose crisis revolves around something as fundamental as gender.

Be proud that you have raised a child who is communicating with you and sharing thier doubts. It sounds as if you have been incredibly supportive up until now.

But as PPs have said it sounds as if you need support yourself. I think the fact that you have had such a strong reaction to the idea that they might be going back to being a girl tells you what your true feelings are that you haven't really been able to accept what has happened and need lots of help, Hopefully the Tavistock can provide that for you.

I meant that in a nice way, not as harsh as it sounds.

I sympathise OP - and I don't think you really want to tell "him" to fuck off. I think you're doing the sensible thing which is venting here so that you can keep your counsel at home.

My advice would be to watch and wait. Be supportive and non-judgemental. If there are questions or concerns about the challenges of identifying as male or female, then I would emphasise the nature of gender as a social construct and that liking or not liking "traditional" things, doesn't mean that you should transition.

Transgender Trend has some good supportive information on de-transitioning.

Do you remeber how hard it was trying a new look in school?

Can you imagine being involved in all the Lgbtqiafghjkl etc and then teling them all that actually you realised you were really a girl all along?

I'd speak to your dd and ask her if she wants a fresh break.

I mean, I would actually move, cut contact with old friends, delete social media, start from scratch. Your DS never happened.

This must be so hard on you. But do you think a large part of it could be attention seeking? I wonder if a ‘yes dear, whatever you want dear’ would be a more appropriate response?

New school etc too obviously. Or Home ed if your daughter is a self starter.

This culture of "acceptance" and "openness" has confused so many young people I feel. Yes I do understand people may not identify with their biological gender, yes I understand it's their choice. IMO though it's being taken far too lightly!! "He'll let me know after the weekend" ?! This shouldn't be the case, it shouldn't take a few days of weighing up the pros and cons. This is a huge life decision he's already made once. He's still only 16, and whilst I accept people do and can know young, they're still so easily influenced and confused by everything going on. I feel you need another heart to heart - but more about the seriousness of this decision and that simply flip-flopping between what gender you'd want to be just isn't a realistic way to live. I apologise if my words come across harsh, as I feel for what they and you must be going through but staying in this state of confusion will only do more damage in the long run.

Do they really need to have different hairstyles and clothes depending on whether they choose to identify as male or female , just tell him/ her to dress how they like and just be so there isn’t pressure to be one or the other . It’s perfectly acceptable not to have to be overtly one or the other these days .

why do you need to play along with that nonsense?
They can change their mind every 5 minutes, it doesn't mean you need to get involved.

Also, I hope you aren't encouraging the idea that girls dress/act a certain way. Because your girl can be a girl in boy's clothes too. (Just querying the shopping in the OP) I think ideas around girlyness are putting a lot of girls off being girls.