AIBU to tell my ‘son’ to fuck off?

[whateveryousay]

I am so mad, and so hurt that I’ll happily admit I’m not thinking straight, so please tell me AIBU here??

So 2.5years ago, my then 14 yo DD decided that actually, they were a boy. 2 years ago, they socially transitioned, and have lived as a boy since then.

I have always been fully supportive, in that I’ve gone to every CAMHS appt, trailed along to the Tavistock regularly, sorted everything out at school (who have been great), and done my very best for my now DS, I feel, while also being absolutely devastated, and grieving the loss of my perfect daughter.

So, imagine my joy when yesterday he announced that he wanted to go back to being a girl! I can’t explain the feeling, I mean no disrespect here to anyone who has properly lost a child, but I felt like I was being given a glimpse of my ‘dead’ daughter, and a promise that I would see her again soon.

We had a lengthy heart to heart, which was lovely, and he asked me to email the school to set up a meeting about going back to 6th form in September as a girl. We discussed different ‘looks’ he could have as a girl, and planned a shopping trip for clothes for tomorrow. We agreed it would be best to see out the rest of the school year as a boy, but we’d change name and pronouns back again ‘soon’. He did ask me not to tell anyone else for now, as he wanted to do this in his own time.

So today I have been skipping about at work, feeling like a new person, so light and happy, and thinking of our shopping trip tomorrow, and that at last this nightmare is over. Only to get home and be told he may have changed his mind again. He’ll let me know after the weekend.

So, AIBU to think that this is beyond cruel, and tell him to fuck off? I can’t look at him, I just want my daughter back, and I know she’s in there somewhere, because I saw her yesterday.

DS is 16 now.

I just want him out of my house, and my daughter back.

You may find the Feminism board helpful, Whatever. I'm proud of the months of support we gave to a mother in a similar situation,.which she described as life changing for her and her childm

Many parents of girl children and young women sucked into this find feminist analysis the only things that makes any sense of this phenomena. You might find Gender Critical Dad helpful. He's in your position.

You might find 4th Wave Now helpful too. It's a community of people in your position.

This:

I think your priority should be to tell him he doesn't have to do anything - transition/detransition/live as a "girl"/live as a "boy" He can just simply be himself for the next number of years. Use whatever pronouns he wants, wear whatever clothes he wants. Focus maybe on other things like academics of other things.

Gender (as opposed to sex) is a load of made-up bollocks anyway. You can be a girl with short hair who likes DIY and engineering and rainbow unicorns, or a boy who likes pink and cooking and football. We can't change what our chromosomes say we are (ie male or female) but we certainly can wear and like and feel and fancy who we like. It's ok to have a ponytail and skirt one day, and a flat cap and overalls the next. You can spend your day in a hard hat on a building site, and come home and collect My Little Ponies. You don't have to pick one "gender" to present as.

teenage is a horrible time, especially for girls who are alot more socially aware than others and not swept along by the pink princess world of make up hair and boyfriends. Its a time when the restrictions of womanhood loom large, and you begin to see the unfairness of a system that is heavily stacked against you, plus your body is making changes which are physically and emotionally challenging - breasts bud and grow and mens eyes turn towards them with comments and desires unwanted by the girl who was happy riding bikes, playing computer games and just 'being'.
Its becomes obvious that female is second rate. Why would you choose that if there was an option to take the path of the cool cute trans. Especially if the other choice of stepford snapchat girl repulses you.
I hope your child gets safely out the other side unscathed and realsies the strength of who they truley are. Its the system thats fucked, not her body.

I read the article that SuitedandBooted shared and it was really interesting. The young woman talks about lots of things I've thought about but not wanted to talk about because I'm cis so really what do I know.

Given that the young woman started on the road to transition when she hit puberty, I wondered if that was your child's experience as well, op? I do hope you're feeling that you're in a slightly better place after this thread and I hope your teenager is okay as well. x

Ravenesque, just a word of caution. The word "cis" is on a list of prohibited words issued by MNHQ. See the Guidelines here.

When you choose to have a child, you choose to accept who and what they are. Your child is clearly struggling with gender identity, and it's your job as a parent to support them whether they are 'he' 'she' 'them' or want to move among those. It's very sad that gender holds such significance in your house, to the extent you were so ecstatic they wanted to be called 'she' again.

And yes, as someone who has lost a child, I take extreme offence to you calling you child 'dead'. Your child has always been who they were meant to be.

Honestly? I’d be telling her sharply to get a grip and make her mind up because it’s getting tiresome.

I know teenagers tend to be self absorbed twats with a taste for drama but it sounds as if she’s taking the piss now.

Moira, you're being very insensitive. The issue of gender in this teenager's life is today's expression of adolescent angst. Are you aware of ROGD? It's sweeping some schools. Gender isn't important within the family. It's the cause du jour and every girl's school has its bevy of transmen.

The OP had no grounds at present to believe that her child's gender questioning is likely to persist. 80% of such children grow out of it. By supporting social transition she is following NHS guidance to wait and watch. There's nothing else she can do.

Like any loving parent, she wants her child to be happy in her own skin. No one could welcome sterility, damaged health and lifelong patient status for a healthy child.

@Prawnofthepatriarchy You are entitled to your opinion as much as I am to mine, thank you. I think you're the one being 'insensitive' to this child; dismissing their struggle with gender identity is 'teenage angst'.

To call something "teenage angst" isn't dismissive. Teenage angst accounts for a lot of self harm, even death. But that doesn't mean it's permanent.

If OP's child comes out as lesbian and then, her 20s, changes her mind it's of absolutely no consequence. If she identifies as a boy people all over the web, and among her friends, are likely to give her massive endorsement. You shouldn't underestimate the buzz. But detransitioning? That's a buzz kill. You can lose all your cool friends. There's immense social pressure and contagion in this movement, and it does children nothing but harm.

Teach them you can be a butch girl who likes motorbikes and cats, a boy in satin who's into astrophysics and baking. Don't tell them to work out what sex they are from a grab bag of stereotypes. It's so retrograde. So limiting.

has he got counselling?

This sounds pretty hard on you, and in general most people say teenagers are taught to parent.

What a hard time you’re having, trying to be the best parent you can be even when it causes you such heartache and worry. It’s an awful situation society has created at the moment, that teenagers are so vulnerable to. Some really good advice on here, sensible and long sighted, which I hope will eventually balance out the loud and politicised banging of drums that’s hogging the societal stage at the moment.

I’m so glad your child hasn’t gone down the medical route at the moment. I hope you can find your way through this latest struggle and maintain closeness and love whatever happens after. It’s tricky to pretend you’re neutral after they’ve seen your reaction to the idea of them detransitioning. But as long as they understand that you love them the same no matter how difficult it is for you personally, I think that’s the main thing you have to try and get across. Love love love no matter what... oof, a parents road is not an easy one to travel sometimes is it? Take care of yourself too in all this.

Prawnofthepatriarchy Thank you for letting me know! I almost posted white mostly straight woman, but thought I'd go for the other word as it's begun to be so widely used. Funny thing is, I hate it, so I'm really rather glad that I won't be using it again here!

There are some lovely kind people out there, thank you for all the empathy and advice.

prawnofthepatriarchy says it so much better than I can, with:

Like any loving parent, she wants her child to be happy in her own skin. No one could welcome sterility, damaged health and life-long patient status for a healthy child

Hi OP. Hope you're doing ok today.

I can only imagine how it might feel to be in your shoes, but it sounds like you're doing your absolute best for your child, who is also doing their absolute best to find a way through.

Thank you for the apology you made about using bereavement of a child as a comparison. I get the temptation, I really do, and there is certainly a grieving element to what you're going through, but please don't ever use that as an analogy. It's unbearably painful, every single time it's used.

Look after yourself, and cherish your child, however they find themselves.

Agree with pp who have said to ask your therapist and the clinic. It sounds like they've done a sterling job of supporting you so far, and thus won't be an unusual scenario for them.