AIBU to tell my ‘son’ to fuck off?

[whateveryousay]

I am so mad, and so hurt that I’ll happily admit I’m not thinking straight, so please tell me AIBU here??

So 2.5years ago, my then 14 yo DD decided that actually, they were a boy. 2 years ago, they socially transitioned, and have lived as a boy since then.

I have always been fully supportive, in that I’ve gone to every CAMHS appt, trailed along to the Tavistock regularly, sorted everything out at school (who have been great), and done my very best for my now DS, I feel, while also being absolutely devastated, and grieving the loss of my perfect daughter.

So, imagine my joy when yesterday he announced that he wanted to go back to being a girl! I can’t explain the feeling, I mean no disrespect here to anyone who has properly lost a child, but I felt like I was being given a glimpse of my ‘dead’ daughter, and a promise that I would see her again soon.

We had a lengthy heart to heart, which was lovely, and he asked me to email the school to set up a meeting about going back to 6th form in September as a girl. We discussed different ‘looks’ he could have as a girl, and planned a shopping trip for clothes for tomorrow. We agreed it would be best to see out the rest of the school year as a boy, but we’d change name and pronouns back again ‘soon’. He did ask me not to tell anyone else for now, as he wanted to do this in his own time.

So today I have been skipping about at work, feeling like a new person, so light and happy, and thinking of our shopping trip tomorrow, and that at last this nightmare is over. Only to get home and be told he may have changed his mind again. He’ll let me know after the weekend.

So, AIBU to think that this is beyond cruel, and tell him to fuck off? I can’t look at him, I just want my daughter back, and I know she’s in there somewhere, because I saw her yesterday.

DS is 16 now.

I just want him out of my house, and my daughter back.

I also think the gender neutral/androgyny /pressure off

Also (and I am probably way off) your strong feelings of loss of your daughter will be apparent, and then the joy of her coming back, do you think he is worried you have some set ideas about what that will mean? Or when you say "perfect daughter" do you mean there was nothing wrong with them? Do you mean the joy is for them that they may not have to continue down path of transition? Or joy that you don't have to watch them? Or joy because you thought you would have your daughter back? I don't understand the "dead" thing sorry, I am not parent of trans teen, but surely other than clothes, pronouns, hair, they are the same, with same likes and dislikes, same friends and music tastes?

I'm thinking they could choose to be gender neutral.

What does this even mean? Surely everybody is gender neutral to some degree unless they are a walking stereotype which not many people are.

I may be talking rubbish out of ignorance but wonder what you think?

You're not talking rubbish and I agree with a watch and see approach but the usual tra posters will be along soon to tell you that you abvvvvu, you are transphobic and you are literally killing thousands for daring to voice a reasoned opinion.

Unfortunately.

Sounds as though your child is non binary rather than male or female. Your daughter is still there! Their personality hasn't changed, their interests haven't changed, their love for you hasn't changed.

I understand it's hard, it would be very hard for me to handle also, but it is what it is and to want them to leave is totally unreasonable and yes, very cruel.

I agree with others. The only thing you can do is be supportive. You could maybe chat about how it's ridiculous that people believe in all these gender roles and that only boys can be x and only girls can be y. And tell your child there is no pressure on them and you will give them time to think about what they want to do and you will always be there to chat things through. Realistically, she will de-trans at some point. If she was 100% convinced she was a boy, she wouldn't have these doubts.

Could you still go shopping? After all, there's no such thing as girls' clothes and boys' clothes. Maybe help pick out something nice and confidence-boosting and maybe plan some days out as well.

But don't push things or tell her you are disappointed. The only way kids can get through all this is with support. And yes to those who suggested a new sixth form for a fresh start or home ed for a year (she can always go back to school next year instead).

Sounds as though your child is non binary

So just like 99.9% of the worlds population then.

Suicide/murder rate for trans people. Yes it is higher, but that's not due to them being trans, it's due to societal acceptance/nonacceptance, bullying and the murder rate being higher than it should is among the transwomen who are working on the margins. So, just like a prostitute's more likely to be murdered than a woman who isn't working in the sex industry, so transwomen on the margins. The higher rate isn't radically higher, just higher and understandable given all manner of issues outside of being trans.

Fuzzyfozzy said earlier about being gender neutral/gender fluid and this may be where your child is now. No pronouns but them and they, etc, living in a comfortable place where they can just be and that might be the place they need to be right now before they go one way or another. I know it's hard for you, but your child is just your child, being confused about their gender and trying to sort out where they fit into the whole gender thing doesn't make them any different. You may miss your daughter but you love your son and so, you have a child you love who is going through the difficulties of not being sure exactly who they are.

Please don't be so hard on yourself. I'm not sure how I'd feel, but I do know that whatever else is going on, you love your child and they love you and love is what will help you both through all of this.

SilverySurfer
Agreed. But vocal trans activists and groups such as mermaids think even preschool children can decide for themselves whether or not they are trans. They advocate puberty blockers, which cause irreversible damage when taken for long enough and much more.

I saw a documentary where a person switched between male and female, depending on their feelings they woke up.
Do people have to choose?
I wonder whether your child would prefer not to make a decision at all.
I have an autistic child and I really understand the frustration. I drive him all over the place and spend £200 every two months for a psychologist. Yet he hardly makes any effort to do the stuff we're recommended to do. It drives me mad!
But this is teenagers. I think you sound supportive and kind. It's wonderful that your child can talk so openly to you. They must feel safe.

Also a high percentage of trans are autistic.

RideOn, by ‘perfect daughter’, I mean they were perfect just as they are/were. No need to change, no need to be unhappy, they were perfect as they were. Not sure I’m explaining that very well, sorry, but when we are at the Tavistock, and he is discussing what he doesn’t like about his body, I find this sad, and hard.

I think there is an enormous amount of guilt in parents of trans kids. I wonder if this was my fault, did I not tell my daughter how wonderful she was enough? Should I have done more to prevent him transitioning in the first place? Etc etc. It’s all this head stuff which makes it so much more complex than ‘ok, we’ll just change pronouns and use different toilets then’. I just want to reach out to my daughter, and tell her that she’s fine and perfect, however she dresses or looks.

Also, someone mentioned having a ‘clean break’ at school. He doesn’t want to, as he’s got some great friends at school. Most of whom are lgbt, so I do wonder whether he’s worried he won’t be part of the ‘gang’ anymore.

*Suicide/murder rate for trans people. Yes it is higher,,

Is it? Where did you get those statistics from and please do share them.

I think there is an enormous amount of guilt in parents of trans kids. I wonder if this was my fault, did I not tell my daughter how wonderful she was enough?

Please don't do this op. It's not your fault.

Also a high percentage of trans are autistic

This is controversial given that a lot of evidence is coming out of TRAs actively targeting autistic kids and convincing them that they’re trans.

The suicide attempt rate among transgender persons ranges from 32% to 50% across the countries.

vs.

close to 8 percent of high school students said they had attempted suicide in the last year.

So yes the rate is far higher, transgender people are also more likely to be victims of hate crimes. What is it with mumsnet users minimising the difficulties faced by those unsure of their gender? It really is hateful and awful to see.

OP support your child, they're not attention seeking they're trying to find their true selves whoever that might be and as their parent it's your job to support them it might be hard for you but I imagine it feels impossible to them. They come first not you.

LadyDeadpool

Please quote your sources and what implies an attempt. Ie an actual attempt with them finishing in hospital or a threat to do so

I would sit down with your child and tell them that whatever they decide you are cool with but obviously if they are having doubts you want to be there for them. Perhaps talk about what led to the wish to switch back and the change of heart - is it the concern of returning to school as a girl for example - as if they now identify as a girl but are not changing back due to perceived peer pressure then that could be as damaging as not going trans due to social pressure. Perhaps talk about considering being gender neutral if they are confused so they can work through their own identity without having to define themselves as such? Just being themselves without any labels might be worth a shot?

I don't know if it's something you'd talked to your DD about in the past or if you've spoken to your DS about it lately but have they said anything about they're sexuality.

I know of a few younger people that had said for a long time they wanted to transition but then like your DS after a few years changed they're mind and they're parents went onto find out it was all because of they're sexuality,for some reason they thought it would be easier to change how they were seen by the world than to be open about the fact that they were gay.

I could be a million miles of with your DS,but if you haven't discussed it before it might be a good idea to now.

The suicide attempt rate among transgender persons ranges from 32% to 50% across the countries.

First of all, where did you get those stats from?

Secondly, there is a difference between attempting suicide and actually committing suicide.

transgender people are also more likely to be victims of hate crimes

Considering some vocal activists class misgendering and talking about biology as hate crimes then this wouldn't surprise me.

On a more serious note, when transsexuals are victims of actual hate crimes then who do the perpetrators tend to be? Hint: it's not women.

He is bisexual, we can talk openly about this, luckily. When we were having our chat yesterday, he did acknowledge that some people will come out as Trans, rather than accept their sexuality, and also agreed that this might be the case with him. So obviously I reassured him that there was no problem with being bisexual.

He just says today that he ‘likes being taken for a boy’, and ‘likes it when people treat him as a boy’ 😞

Also, just mentioning as some pps have brought it up, he does not have asd.

Just be patient. If you attach any negativity to this you may prolong something your child does wish to change. Give him time and space. And I don't think you could have done anything differently. It's mushroomed into a huge thing for young people over the last few years.

maybe it would help her if you sat her down and said how hard it must be to feel this confused right now.that shes ok.not to be scared.and that mums here for her whatever she decides.i don't think a child or adult for that matter would ever ever choose to go between sexes and be uncertain up to a point of actually changing between the two.so she must be freaking out.imagine having those thoughts in your own head.imagine them suddnely changing.its must be petrifying.
maybe you could ask her if just for a while she wants to just rest as neither.and see what really then pulls her when she stops defninnig or needing to be defined as one or the other.there are also of course those that do go between the two.
could you try and just go out and do no identifying things.you can still shop.she can still buy what she feels like.maybe go for a walk or make a meal together.just let both your head rest but do stuff together and make that quality time count again as just two mother and child loving eachother without the weight of defining decisions.

Unfortunately your issue was going along with this when your DS was 13 or 14. As it is you now have to deal with this.
Kids are a nightmare for changing their minds.
You will need to let them get on with things and be a little less indulgent of their feelings. Particularly if they change their minds again.

@Plantsarepeopletoo

www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC5178031/

the indian medical journal

Secondly, there is a difference between attempting suicide and actually committing suicide.

Of course there is, but completing a suicide does not mean you are in more pain than someone who attempts but doesn't complete, does it?