AIBU to tell my ‘son’ to fuck off?

[whateveryousay]

I am so mad, and so hurt that I’ll happily admit I’m not thinking straight, so please tell me AIBU here??

So 2.5years ago, my then 14 yo DD decided that actually, they were a boy. 2 years ago, they socially transitioned, and have lived as a boy since then.

I have always been fully supportive, in that I’ve gone to every CAMHS appt, trailed along to the Tavistock regularly, sorted everything out at school (who have been great), and done my very best for my now DS, I feel, while also being absolutely devastated, and grieving the loss of my perfect daughter.

So, imagine my joy when yesterday he announced that he wanted to go back to being a girl! I can’t explain the feeling, I mean no disrespect here to anyone who has properly lost a child, but I felt like I was being given a glimpse of my ‘dead’ daughter, and a promise that I would see her again soon.

We had a lengthy heart to heart, which was lovely, and he asked me to email the school to set up a meeting about going back to 6th form in September as a girl. We discussed different ‘looks’ he could have as a girl, and planned a shopping trip for clothes for tomorrow. We agreed it would be best to see out the rest of the school year as a boy, but we’d change name and pronouns back again ‘soon’. He did ask me not to tell anyone else for now, as he wanted to do this in his own time.

So today I have been skipping about at work, feeling like a new person, so light and happy, and thinking of our shopping trip tomorrow, and that at last this nightmare is over. Only to get home and be told he may have changed his mind again. He’ll let me know after the weekend.

So, AIBU to think that this is beyond cruel, and tell him to fuck off? I can’t look at him, I just want my daughter back, and I know she’s in there somewhere, because I saw her yesterday.

DS is 16 now.

I just want him out of my house, and my daughter back.

I do n’t think there is anything wrong in telling your child you’re hurt, and maybe get less involved in the transitioning process. The divide between support and enablement is a thin one,

Thank you for venting on here, and not to your son

It sounds really really difficult for you both, so I really sympathise. They are the same person as they have always been though. No one went away and all the things that were and are your daughter are still there in your son. [Flowers]

I'm not sure what the right words are here, but could your dc be gender neutral for a while, neutral name neutral clothing and just work out who they are on the inside without having to try to portray something on the outside??
No idea if that's utter nonsense!

Research shows that the vast majority of young, gender confused people will, if left alone, be living happily in their birth gender by their 20s. Unfortunately, they are no longer being "left alone". Your daughter has been transitioning to a boy, and she will encounter a lot of resistance to her detransitioning. She was everyone's "cute trans friend", now she'll just be some boring girl. Worse, she'll likely be one of those nasty, bigoted lesbians, who won't have sex with men. The online trans community is bloody poisonous for girls like her.

There is support out there, for you and her. There are many parents in your position. 4th Wave Now is a good site, but there are others. If you post on the Feminism boards, people will be able to signpost you to other sources of information. What your daughter is going through is what happens to most 'trans kids', but this next bit is probably going to be the bit where she needs your support the most.

Your DC is still the same person, though. Why would you mourn the loss of your lovely daughter, when the person is still there in front of you? It's just frocks and shoes and a different toilet, really, when you get down to it, isn't it?

You sound like a lovely mum, who's just at the end of her tether with a teenager. We've all been there, although not in these circumstances! Support, acceptance and affection (and a good scream when DC isn't in earshot) will help.

I know this is a very hard adjustment for you, but he needs your support right now - not your condemnation. He isn't being deliberately cruel, he isn't trying to hurt you. He's trying to figure out something complicated and difficult. He's trying to balance his own feelings and self-understanding with societal pressure and the expectations of those around him - including you, as he won't be oblivious to the fact that you would prefer for him not to have transitioned.

He's only 16. He doesn't have it figured out yet. He needs space and time to understand and come to terms with who he is. You're asking too much of him to want a final decision from a child who doesn't have an answer for you yet.

The fact that you say you want your daughter back shows that you view 'her' as a totally separate person who has been lost to 'him'. But he is the same child he has always been, the same wonderful person that you love. The characterics you adore in him haven't changed. They are what make him who he is and who you love - not his gender.

Don't expect an answer after the weekend. Don't pressure him into a decision. Don't hold out hope that he will detransition. Tell him you love him. Tell him it's ok if he needs time. Tell him it's ok if he doesn't know yet. Tell him he doesn't need to make a decision, and that if he does, it's ok if that isn't the right decision for the rest of his life. Remind him that you know who he is, and you love him.

Op just vent on here and keep being the supportive mum you clearly are in real life . I know people will speak to you as if your wrong to mourn the loss of your dd etc but your not , I would support my dc whatever but something like this would be immensely hard for me to deal with and I totally understand your frustration and upset !

I imagine this has been very tough on you but your post really worries me. You talk about your perfect daughter and seem very invested in what it means for you to have that perfect daughter back. What if your DS doesn't want to be the sort of daughter you want? The daughter than you had prior to their social transition has gone. If you get a DD back it won't be a direct continuation of the girl she was in the past. It would be an older child who has been shaped by their experience of living as your DS.
You need to give your DS the space he needs to decide who he wants to be. He is not going to be your long lost daughter even if he transitions back. He will a changed and different person.

So vent on here, punch some pillows, speak to some professionals and then take a deep breath and tell him that you will be fine with whatever he decides.

Your child needs your support. Please don't tell him to fuck off. Can you imagine how confused he would be?

I feel your disappointment - to lose a child to another "sex" must be horrendously difficult to live with I imagine. The problem as I see it is that a lot of kids are subject to undue influence from social media and are told that any distress they are feeling is because they're in the wrong body. So many transition thinking it'll sort out the distress and it doesn't

The good news is she is in there and signalling that.
The bad news is s/he's not met your expectations based on your last conversation.

Bear with her and keep calm and rational and give them space and gentle encouragement. It must be hard for them thinking about coming out and saying they are transitioning back.

You are wise bringing your venting here. Keep the channel of communication open and they will return. It's always hard when people exit from undue influence, like exiting cults. Research how to encourage critical thinking and try those techniques plus keeping the communication going. The signs are good.

Op I feel for you, I think we all do - I understand that feeling of "loss' - my DD has severe mental health issues, we had so many dreams and plans things that she wanted to achieve, I feel these are gone, and so does she. Obviously thank god we still have our children whatever they look like or behave like, but I feel your pain.

I reckon your child will be Arthur and Martha for a while yet, maybe years, that's the thing about teens and the opportunities to transition, its not fun fun fun. Be sad, but grit your teeth and bide your time, support them as you have done, question the Tavistock. You are doing fine. More than fine in fact.

I don’t think there is anything wrong in telling your child you’re hurt

I disagree with this.

I think that telling a child you're hurt or upset by who they feel they are (or by their indecision around that) can be hugely damaging and can have long term effects in both the child and their relationship with their parents.

OP, I think it's great that you've been so proactive in helping your teen, but I think now is the time to step back and let them lead the way, at their own pace and in their own direction.

I can't help wondering whether, in your efforts to support your teen's change of heart, your enthusiasm for choosing the 'girly' looks has betrayed your real feelings and this has felt a bit jarring for your teen.

As PPs have said, there's no need to confirm to certain 'looks' or clothes as a result of being a man or woman, and your daughter is still the same person yesterday as today - just because they have different hair or clothes, it doesn't mean they're dead or a different person.

I get it OP. You have been put through the wringer and it's all out of your control. I would hate it if my dd suddenly wanted to be ds but as any parent would do I would try to support them.

YANBU to tell MN you'd like to tell your dc to fuck, but try not to tell them

I do think the social pressure of detransitioning is brutal. When I was a teenager, girls who felt uneasy and pressured and unhappy about being women developed eating disorders to avoid menstruating/developing. Now they seem to be guided towards transitioning. I'm not belittling anyone with a daughter who is trans, or implying it's a fad - eating disorders are serious too. But we didn't enable them - we treated them and tried to help sufferers to get through puberty without lasting harm. I think whoever suggested going gender neutral for a while is right - just take the decision out of it. Let him/her be whoever they want to be. And tell your lovely child they don't have to define themselves for anyone else's benefit. They don't need to explain themselves to their peers. This is their business and it might take them a long time to work out how they feel. With that in mind, OP, go easy - don't try to rush back to 'normal' life. I can see you're desperate for things to change back to how they were and I would be too, but the worst thing you could do is rush it or put your child under pressure. But all round.

what’s the difference? What would change apart from pronouns and using the same public toilet etc?

^This. Your child is still there and needs you whatever they are wearing or want to be called.

Trans people have a higher rate of suicide so don’t tell him to fuck off or push him away in anyway.

He will make his own mind up, or he won’t, tell him lots go by “they” and dont have he/she because they don’t feel comfortable as either - this also allows them to create their own “looks” and do just whatever it is they want to do.

Too much pressure on genders these days, it should be just be whatever. People think they’re helping by labelling people differently if they want it but I just think people should get on with it and be what they want to be without the social pressure of deciding

For you OP.💐🌸🌺

I feel for you- it must be so hard after getting your hopes up in that way. But you aren’t going to tell him to fuck off. You know that would be unfair, unkind and counterproductive. You have been an amazing Mum to him/her and you aren’t going to change that now.

You are being so supportive to him/her - who is supporting you? I suggest you get some sort of private therapy or counselling, something short term, that will help you vent your feelings and explore your own emotions whilst your child struggles with this very tricky decision.

Trans people have a higher rate of suicide

You are not helping anyone by using suicide as a weapon. Just stop it.

Can you encourage your child to consider identifying as gender neutral: they seem to need more time to work it through ( or not) and not making a gender declaration is a choice too. Pronouns can seem to be such a big deal but as you know, it is possible to get used to anything if you have a happy child. Speaking from experience as a parent of a gender neutral child.

It's nearly the summer holidays. Would it may be be better for your child to wait until the holidays before detransitioning, then that gives them time to start to adjust, school to be informed, and removes the drama from school?

You haven't lost your child.

You've lost the idea of a person that he isn't.

OP I am so sorry to hear about the pain you and your child are going through.

Sadly I think you will be the first of many once this current gender hysteria has run its course. no offence intended for those who are truly gender dysmorphic, but I suspect that there are many for whom apparent hormonal and gender confusion is temporary.

And no, trans people are not killing themselves left, right and centre. If they were then there wouldn't be any left.

And that's not even mentioning how they're also allegedly being murdered in droves...