AIBU to tell my ‘son’ to fuck off?

[whateveryousay]

I am so mad, and so hurt that I’ll happily admit I’m not thinking straight, so please tell me AIBU here??

So 2.5years ago, my then 14 yo DD decided that actually, they were a boy. 2 years ago, they socially transitioned, and have lived as a boy since then.

I have always been fully supportive, in that I’ve gone to every CAMHS appt, trailed along to the Tavistock regularly, sorted everything out at school (who have been great), and done my very best for my now DS, I feel, while also being absolutely devastated, and grieving the loss of my perfect daughter.

So, imagine my joy when yesterday he announced that he wanted to go back to being a girl! I can’t explain the feeling, I mean no disrespect here to anyone who has properly lost a child, but I felt like I was being given a glimpse of my ‘dead’ daughter, and a promise that I would see her again soon.

We had a lengthy heart to heart, which was lovely, and he asked me to email the school to set up a meeting about going back to 6th form in September as a girl. We discussed different ‘looks’ he could have as a girl, and planned a shopping trip for clothes for tomorrow. We agreed it would be best to see out the rest of the school year as a boy, but we’d change name and pronouns back again ‘soon’. He did ask me not to tell anyone else for now, as he wanted to do this in his own time.

So today I have been skipping about at work, feeling like a new person, so light and happy, and thinking of our shopping trip tomorrow, and that at last this nightmare is over. Only to get home and be told he may have changed his mind again. He’ll let me know after the weekend.

So, AIBU to think that this is beyond cruel, and tell him to fuck off? I can’t look at him, I just want my daughter back, and I know she’s in there somewhere, because I saw her yesterday.

DS is 16 now.

I just want him out of my house, and my daughter back.

I know it's hard but maybe just approach it with a 'yeah whateve - let me know' no drama stance.
Maybe without the accompanying eye roll.

Actual lol @ Plants

I think you have a very confused child on your hands.

I completely understand your devastation and YANBU to have been overjoyed at the the idea of getting your daughter back. But don’t disown your child. You will regret it. As hard as it may be do not let on to them that it’s fucking with your head. They need you to be strong, stable and to provide unconditional love while they figure out eho they are. Contact as many support resources for yourself as you can. Providing your child had access to a computer/phone/sufficient bus fare or transport they are able to find their own support groups and information.

You must be absolutely reeling with shock and hurt right now but I promise you if you tell your kid to fuck off or disown them yo will regret it. What they need right know is to know that whoever they may be you love them.

You are amazing, you have supported your child so well. Hats off to you.

People who are Trans have an awful lot to overcome. The world is improving and becoming more understanding with time but it’s not enough. Your child needs your support, not for you to tell them to fuck off. You gave birth to them, your love and support should be unconditional.

YANBU whateveryousay, unfortunately it goes with the territory both of adolescence and identifying as trans for girls at that time in puberty.

Please consider that

a) there is a social cost involved in your child presenting and identifying as her biological sex after publicly transitioning - some within your child's social circle may question your child's motives and actions, criticise, belittle and demean.

and

b) far too often, individuals within the trans community direct a truly staggering amount of hostility at teens who detransition. This can manifest in sustained and vicious bullying which is particularly heartbreaking for the teens in question because this is a community they felt accepted in, at home even. Being cast out by your tribe is hard to take.

Either or both of those things together may worry your child, especially if this has happened to someone your child knows or has heard of (or may have witnessed this in the online trans communities the kids frequent - tumblr can be particularly vicious - if your child is active online).

You've stuck by your child until now and I fully expect you'll keep on doing it. Your feelings of loss and frustration are completely normal in this situation. And you are not alone! There are several parent websites set up for families in this kind of situation.

4th wave now is currently featuring an article on detransitioning teens and their experiences, but they also have several articles written by parents of trans teens who later desisted and the many problems they had to overcome.

Whichever way your child decides to go, stay strong

Trans people have a higher rate of suicide so don’t tell him to fuck off or push him away in anyway.

That is a cruel lie to post in a thread like this.

op
As pp have said around 80% of 'trams' children desist and live happily in their natal sex for the rest 9f their lives. Be patient, get some support from 4thwavenow and other parents on Twitter who have been through or are going through this exact situation. You are not alone

Dear god, all this scares me so much for the future. How come it is so easy to decide that you want to swap genders? And then two years later, swap back?

Thank you all, some lovely comments, and good advice.

Of course I won’t tell him to fuck off in real life, that’s why I’m doing it here I suppose :(

To answer some pp, no, I really don’t think I have a pre-conceived idea of how a girl ‘should’ be. We discussed yesterday how girls can have short hair, hairy legs and wear boys clothes if they like. Tomorrow’s shopping trip was asked for by him, he showed me pictures of some fairly androgenous looking girls, and asked if we could get some clothes like that. We certainly weren’t planning to go full-on girly girly.

Thank you all for allowing me to vent here.

Just one more thing though, parenting a ‘trans’ child really, really isn’t as simple as just different pronouns and toilets :(

I feel for you OP, while I can sympathise with what your DS is gong through, it’s unfair and also very nasty to dismiss what you’re going through. Waiting in limbo for someone else’s decisions and absolutely no consideration for how you need to process things or come to terms with things must be really tough.

It sounds like you’ve been a wonderfully supportive Mum, that’s brilliant, but I think it would be grossly unfair to just expect you to take it all in your stride without having any feelings about it at all.

Going not gong

And how you feel! Stupid phone!

Hat off to you OP. Yes if only Gender dysphoria meant just changing pronouns and clothing.....
It is the most profoundly unsettling thing for a parent to deal with. I think your child will be getting immense criticism for detransitioning, hence the wobble, so will need patient unswerving support without pressure from the other side.

That is a cruel lie to post in a thread like this.

Yup.

I don't understand why people do it tbh. It's almost like people want to scare the crap out of trans people/parents of trans children and get a thrill from doing so.

Sickening really.

Sounds to me like they’ve changed their mind, but the actual logistics of changing everything back are overwhelming and frightening. Completely understandable.

If it were me, I’d be saying that there’s no need for big declarations and final decisions at this stage - they can present as they choose and they don’t need to tell anyone how they feel about anything unless they want people to use a different name or pronoun. They can be whoever they want to be, it doesn’t have to be defined right now.

Another point about "girliness" - I am not particularly girly.

I've had short hair, long hair and everything in between hair - including most colours (natural and otherwise!).

I've removed virtually all the hair from my body except that on my head, my eyebrows and eyelashes. And I've left it all alone and gone natural - full bush, hair legs and pits.

I've worn sparkles, pink, lace and frills. I've also worn men's shirts, jeans and the plainest and most unisex clothing possible.

I've painted my nails and worn make-up. I've gone bare-faced and kept my nails very short and natural.

I've worn jewellery and earrings and bangles and necklaces. I've worn nothing except my nose piercing and plain silver wedding ring.

There is a huge amount of pressure on teen girls at the moment - instagram and social media everywhere telling you to contour, shimmer and look perfect at all times. Body pressures telling you to be slim but strong - toned and tiny and tanned. You have to perform educationally but have lots of friends. You need to be supportive and understanding but still lighthearted and funny... I'm not surprised that teens are saying "enough" and feeling that if they don't conform to these stereotypes then they must be different and need fixing in some way.

It's OK to be different. Your daughter is special, unique and amazing in her own way - whether that's having unicorns and pink everywhere and a boyfriend, or having androgynous tastes and being a lesbian.

And that's not to say that a lesbian can't like pink and unicorns!

Actually I don't think it matters at all how you present yourself to the outside world. You are who you are regardless of what you are wearing or the name you call yourself.
You can find boys or girls attractive or both and it really doesn't matter.
What did make me feel sad was describing the 'loss of your daughter' when in fact the person that is inside is still there. They haven't gone anywhere whether they decide they want to be called John or Joan.
Growing up and parenting is really really hard.

Your child sounds very frightened and confused. The prospect of going back to being a girl must be daunting. How will everyone react? Etc. The best thing you can do is be strong. You’ve done so much already. It will be difficult to admit a mistake and your child needs to make the right decision for them not because of you or kids at school. You are strong. You will get through this.

OP you might find some useful resources here

TransgenderTrend www.transgendertrend.com/

Gender Critical Forum set up by a parent of a trans child
gendercriticalresources.com/Support/

Good luck with it all. I think the advice to play it cool and not being seen to be over keen on a detransition at this stage is good. Just convey you are on their side whatever.

Teens put us through the wringer and have little idea what they are doing to us.

And this is why hormones ect Brest binders should not be allowed because teenagers are fickle change their mind and often confused

My thing is explaining that their not going back to being a girl because they are one and trousers boots and a shit doesn’t make you a boy

Plenty of women were no make up we’re masculine clothing it’s not that that makes you female or male

And this is why hormones ect Brest binders should not be allowed because teenagers are fickle change their mind and often confused

This is very true - and obviously teenagers often do things to rebel or seek attention, and when this becomes permanent it can be a real issue.

As pp have said around 80% of 'trams' children desist and live happily in their natal sex for the rest of their lives

I have no children and don't know any trans children but if the above is true, would it not be better for there to be a sort of half way house until they were mature enough to know what they want? I'm thinking they could choose to be gender neutral. It takes the pressure off and they can decide one way or the other when they are ready. If they revert to their original gender, as it appears 80% in fact do, it wouldn't be such a huge event.

I may be talking rubbish out of ignorance but wonder what you think?

OP I really feel for you and wish you and your DC the very best.

I wonder if they have had some negative feedback from the people who have supported them at school.
Its very hard to face the rejection - and believe me, anyone detransitioning faces a VERY fierce backlash - of their entire social group.
At 16 have they finished their exams? Could they just leave and move away from the whole scene?