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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To fire the nanny or not?

212 replies

Namechangetoday1 · 28/06/2018 02:36

Okay so I have an 8 month old boy and his nanny works 5 days a week 9-5 although she is forever and is rarely here at 9 and usually arrives anywhere from 5-15 minutes late. I talked to her about this a number of times but no luck.
The situation is that I work in an office complex right next to my house and I own the company so I can and do spend most of my time in my home office working and then just pop next door for meetings etc and also my staff pops in to my house for any questions. I also have a full time cleaner who works from 7-3 in the house.
So the issue is I am undecided although leaning towards firing the nanny for the below reasons:

  1. I am 99% sure she lied about using top things gel in my son when I told her not too. I could smell it in him and when I confronted her about it she lied and claimed it must be from the dummy and the cleaner probably hadn't washed it properly from weeks ago. (Reason for stating I didn't want it used was because there have been new health reports showing a negative and sometimes deadly effect from teething gels and also it makes him scream bloody murder and cry his heart out where as a cool yet towel helps him a lot with his teething.
  2. Due to her neglect (lack of knowledge) on caring for a circumcised boys privates (needs Vaseline twice a day otherwise it cn become reattached) his little manhood reattached and had to be forced down painfully by the doctor.
  3. My older daughter who is 13 mentioned that she never hears her talking to my son at all unless the nanny can hear someone coming and them she starts acting like she's playing and starts talking. Oddly enough one of my office staff also said this today that when they are at he house the nanny seems to move around very silently so she can listen in on others and only stars ralking stupid baby talk when she realaises someone else is around.
  4. The many is notoriously noisy and bossy with the other staff and acts one way in from of me and very differently when I am not around.
Unfortunately most of the time when I am working i have my door shut as I am mostly on conference calls and video meetings so I don't retold get to see a lot of this. But I do feel that I am paying her top dollar but that I am having to instruct her every step of the way and to teach her her job from buying her app programs and books on what activities to do with my son and what exercises and also when I have told her to not talk tot he cleaner about things such as damaging carpets or items of clothing and that I will address I have caught her in the act of giving the cleaner a heads up (wtf). Each time I have confronted her about these things she just breaks down crying and says she's sorry and she didn't do it and all the usual crap of how she will do anything but to be honest I really feel this person is a snake. Sadly I knew her for 4 years on and off before I hired here and she had great references of being a nanny with a family of 4 for 7 years but I really feel like this is rediculous that I have to tell her to not shake his bottle using her index finger get to seal off the nipple, or that she should wear socks when siting on my sons playmate with her bare feet after wearing flip flops to work (yes this is where is face falls and rubs against as he is learning to crawl), or that she should tie her long hair back instead of having his face against it when she is holding him or even that she shouldn't be wearing sandals with platform heels while carrying my son up and down the stairs. Each time I feel like face palming and say a silent FFS to myself I mean wtf? Aren't these the basics? So aibu to fire her or do I sound like an over the top mom?
OP posts:
Sparklyglitter · 29/06/2018 19:09

I think you know that you need to get rid of your nanny. Regardless of what other people think she is not working out for you and right now what you need is someone on your side that will support you in raising your children. I’m so sorry about your husband and I’m sure the staff in the business really appreciate all your hard work.
Don’t listen to the “malicious people” on here they seem to like nothing better than bitching at people and passing their own snide comments! Rather than trying to show compassion to another human. DON’T LISTEN! Start looking for another nanny who will work with you, maybe a more mature person? I really wish you all the best xx

bobbysbabe · 29/06/2018 19:25

Never apologise to anyone about your life and how you choose to live it. You sound like one bad ass mama. Keep your head high and fire the nanny if you haven’t already. Good luck

Floradoranora · 29/06/2018 19:28

As well as their being hygiene reasons for the Op not wanting bare feet on the playmat I think there are also cultural considerations going on with regard to bare feet.

Floradoranora · 29/06/2018 19:29

Never apologise to anyone about your life and how you choose to live it.

Amen.

Faith7777 · 29/06/2018 19:49

bobbysbabe nailed it.

Flowers. So sorry for your loss. I pray you find a nanny. What you have right now isn’t fit to handle a child that young. You’re not being overly sensitive in anyway. You want to be a able to shut your home office door and work with piece of mind. You’re not getting that. She can’t give you that reassurance which, if she’s clued up, should know she has a duty to give you. Good luck in your search and I pray you find a suitable candidate.

Cindie943811A · 29/06/2018 19:59

Any nanny should know they are supposed to follow the culture of the family ie the individual family’s lifestyle, way of doing things. OP you have two witnesses to the fact that this nanny does not provide a talking commentary to your son, something that is natural to a carer who is fond of a child and has a basic knowledge of child development.This alone would motivate me to fire. Neglectful parents are coached in this by social services!
If the nanny slipped and fell carrying your son you would feel guilty because you did not ensure she used sensible shoes, likewise any other harm arising out of her failure to follow your instructions. For peace of mind replace her, you have enough on your plate as it is.
PS perhaps this young woman is bored with babies and only responds well to older children, in which case you are doing her a favour. She is also taking advantage of your circumstances in her poor time keeping which could lead to another parents being late herself for her job.
Good luck.

frasier · 29/06/2018 20:05

I stopped employing for a lot less than you have described OP.

If you are not comfortable with the way someone is looking after your child, you must take action.

It doesn’t matter how long you have known her or whether she will still be in your circle of acquaintances. You don’t have to read the riot act, just give notice (“from xxxx I will no longer need..”).

Are there agencies for finding another nanny where you are?

frasier · 29/06/2018 20:07

Sorry, that should read “I stopped employing our nanny for a lot less than you have described OP.”

Roversandrhodes · 29/06/2018 20:09

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

MissMiserable · 29/06/2018 20:15

So your son only had a circumcision because you had no choice, but you still let a dr forcefully and pain fully sort it out after it re-attached? Ok then

mosessupposes · 29/06/2018 20:23

The foreskin doesn't grow back Missmiserable! What a daft post.

Beehiveyourself · 29/06/2018 20:24

Roversandrhodes That’s rather insensitive given the circumstances.

mumoy · 29/06/2018 20:26

If you are not happy with her then sack her. This is your precious son why leave him with someone you do not trust.

Soulstirring · 29/06/2018 20:35

Definitely let her go. You need confidence in her and it’s just not there. Your life is hard enough at the moment, find someone you trust so you can rest easy. Your son is the most important thing here and you should be happy with his carer. You pay well and importantly you have a choice!!

As others have said be kind to yourself OP, this is a tough tough time. I wish you luck xx

angelfacecuti75 · 29/06/2018 20:39

Doesn't sound like she's a particularly good Nanny. I wouldn't blame her for giving the cleaner a "heads up" that's gonna happen as in a way she's just looking out for a colleague. I've got a cleaner . I don't want 'top dollar . I just couldn't manage it anymore.

Catsandkids78 · 29/06/2018 20:39

Everyone here is saying fire her - from a HR perspective I think you need to take legal advice

Strongmummy · 29/06/2018 20:54

She doesn’t seem suitable or professional so you need to let her go. However, you sound rather hard work yourself. Socks, flip flops, what?!?! How would she know how to deal with a circumcised penis unless instructed?!

iMombie · 29/06/2018 20:56

Hi OP, I have been a nanny for a couple of families and in a nursery and my insights on this are...
Those things you asked of her are perfectly reasonable, not only are you the employer you are (more importantly) the mother and your wishes should be carried out to the letter.
All these ladies having a good old bash about you having help are crazy. Some of the worst, lazy and incompetent childcare workers I have known have worked in nurseries. And the nicest, genuine, caring ones have been nannies.
There are absolutely brilliant ones out there, get rid of the useless one and get one that will enrich you and your childs life, they do exist.
I'm so sorry for your loss too, you sound like you're doing a fantastic job all round under exceptionally sad circumstances. 🌺

Shezza71 · 29/06/2018 21:11

I am also a nanny of over 30 years and if you are not happy with the way your nanny behaves in your house and interacts with your child then it’s time to make a change. Your requirement may send some nannies running for the hills but a good professional nanny will work with you and be able to come up with her own ideas and activities for your children.

Munchkinbug · 29/06/2018 21:11

@Anniegetyourgun - stands up and claps. Well said.

MissMiserable · 29/06/2018 21:17

'The foreskin doesn't grow back Missmiserable! What a daft post'

The op was the one that said it re-attached, not me!

flakesaretasty · 29/06/2018 21:21

OP does write confusingly about the state of her child's penis, which may be why the nanny could also be confused.

Blondeshavemorefun · 29/06/2018 21:46

I am sorry for the loss of your dh. Mine died 7yrs ago but we didn’t have children

Ive been a qualified nanny /mn for 27yrs and this nanny is not the right one for you - too many things you says aren’t right

Either fire the nanny and find a new one or

I would try and get someone to look after the company while you go back to being a sahm. It will prob stress you less

Obv bottles should be sterilised properly and out of date food thrown not eaten. Why didn’t anyone throw it

Your eldest daughter I assume is at achool so she must only see /hear many for an hr a day or so.

Blondeshavemorefun · 29/06/2018 21:48

Whoops hit and send

And if your ds has a circumstism at newborn. He should’ve havinf problems 8mths later. Go back and have checked. It can’t gro back but maybe they didn’t do the op properly

Strongmummy · 29/06/2018 21:49

OP I have now read more of the thread and I’m sorry for your loss. I understand the flip flop point too. Let the nanny go.