To fire the nanny or not?

[Namechangetoday1]

Okay so I have an 8 month old boy and his nanny works 5 days a week 9-5 although she is forever and is rarely here at 9 and usually arrives anywhere from 5-15 minutes late. I talked to her about this a number of times but no luck.
The situation is that I work in an office complex right next to my house and I own the company so I can and do spend most of my time in my home office working and then just pop next door for meetings etc and also my staff pops in to my house for any questions. I also have a full time cleaner who works from 7-3 in the house.
So the issue is I am undecided although leaning towards firing the nanny for the below reasons:

1. I am 99% sure she lied about using top things gel in my son when I told her not too. I could smell it in him and when I confronted her about it she lied and claimed it must be from the dummy and the cleaner probably hadn't washed it properly from weeks ago. (Reason for stating I didn't want it used was because there have been new health reports showing a negative and sometimes deadly effect from teething gels and also it makes him scream bloody murder and cry his heart out where as a cool yet towel helps him a lot with his teething.
2. Due to her neglect (lack of knowledge) on caring for a circumcised boys privates (needs Vaseline twice a day otherwise it cn become reattached) his little manhood reattached and had to be forced down painfully by the doctor.
3. My older daughter who is 13 mentioned that she never hears her talking to my son at all unless the nanny can hear someone coming and them she starts acting like she's playing and starts talking. Oddly enough one of my office staff also said this today that when they are at he house the nanny seems to move around very silently so she can listen in on others and only stars ralking stupid baby talk when she realaises someone else is around.
4. The many is notoriously noisy and bossy with the other staff and acts one way in from of me and very differently when I am not around.

Unfortunately most of the time when I am working i have my door shut as I am mostly on conference calls and video meetings so I don't retold get to see a lot of this. But I do feel that I am paying her top dollar but that I am having to instruct her every step of the way and to teach her her job from buying her app programs and books on what activities to do with my son and what exercises and also when I have told her to not talk tot he cleaner about things such as damaging carpets or items of clothing and that I will address I have caught her in the act of giving the cleaner a heads up (wtf). Each time I have confronted her about these things she just breaks down crying and says she's sorry and she didn't do it and all the usual crap of how she will do anything but to be honest I really feel this person is a snake. Sadly I knew her for 4 years on and off before I hired here and she had great references of being a nanny with a family of 4 for 7 years but I really feel like this is rediculous that I have to tell her to not shake his bottle using her index finger get to seal off the nipple, or that she should wear socks when siting on my sons playmate with her bare feet after wearing flip flops to work (yes this is where is face falls and rubs against as he is learning to crawl), or that she should tie her long hair back instead of having his face against it when she is holding him or even that she shouldn't be wearing sandals with platform heels while carrying my son up and down the stairs. Each time I feel like face palming and say a silent FFS to myself I mean wtf? Aren't these the basics? So aibu to fire her or do I sound like an over the top mom?

@LiteraryDevil1 I'm pretty sure that the OP looks after her baby when the nanny isn't working!

Have you read the thread and the circumstances?

I'm sorry to hear your son was circumcised while you were so unwell after the birth. I'm sure this can't have helped with the anxiety you feel. In the nicest possible way it sounds like you have take against the nanny. It would be very hard to say if this is reasonable or not. However I think once this trust and goodwill had gone it's hard to continue positively. So perhaps just telling her it's not working out and you'd like her to move on. Having somone working in your home is quite intimate and I think it needs to fell right. Give her enough time to find something else or paid notice without working if you can afford to. It would be a shame for her to be have financial difficulties because you just don't like her.

Oh, I have no issue believing that people outside of the England can be asshole (I am a French one for example), and they cannot be bothered to read though any of the OP's messages, or even understand them. But I also cannot be arsed to be feel bad about being rude to them when they have shown how tiny minded and actually stupid they are. The attitude expecting that everybody's situation is as it is for themselves (public hygiene, medical procedures, running a business, having responsibilities) is very much the one of a little englander, no matter their actual nationality.

Oh, I have no issue believing that people outside of the England can be asshole (I am a French one for example), and they cannot be bothered to read though any of the OP's messages, or even understand them. But I also cannot be arsed to be feel bad about being rude to them when they have shown how tiny minded and actually stupid they are. The attitude expecting that everybody's situation is as it is for themselves (public hygiene, medical procedures, running a business, having responsibilities) is very much the one of a little englander, no matter their actual nationality.

OP, I’m really sorry for what you’ve been through. I can’t imagine losing my spouse while I was heavily pregnant, nor having to run his business while post-partum, exhausted and grieving.

Whether or not other people think your requirements are too high is not the point, really. You need to be able to trust implicitly whoever cares for your child. You need someone who has initiative and doesn’t need to be given detailed instructions about how to care for your child. You have enough on your plate. I would let the nanny go, and I would suggest using an agency to help you find someone. You need someone to make your life easier, not adding stress to it. Good luck.

*LiteraryDevil1

If your son was circumcised as a newborn then he would have healed after about 2 weeks. No idea why he still needs Vaseline at 8 months old. And absolutely bonkers that you wouldn't do that yourself. I feel sorry for your baby as it doesn't sound like you do anything for him at all. Daily clearer ffs. Fire the nanny for sure but otherwise hmm*

Well, she does all of the considerable number of night wakings for her baby, just based on what she wrote. But really, does she need to list everything she does and does not do when asking for advice? Is it relevant?

She is a single parent working full time, who needs decent and reliable childcare 9-5. You feel sorry for her baby?? Do you not know anyone who uses childcare?? Childminder? Nursery? nanny? Are you sheltered?

Jesus. A single widower looking after his baby through the night while running his company would not get judged and told that his baby is to be pitied. He would be hailed as a hero. The OP is deserving of as much respect and sympathy for her situation.

He would be hailed as a hero

I think the mention of the full time cleaner brought out the ugly people. 🙄

Sorry for your loss op. Life sounds really tough right now. I'd sack the nanny but would have had a hidden camera(s) in there long ago to remove any doubt

Hope things improve & ds heals up soon

If you don’t feel like your daughter is getting proper care to your standards then fire her. You need peace of mind and this nanny isnt giving it
To you.

Sorry for the loss of your husband, hope you’re ok

I'd fire her. Bringing in the teething gel and using it against your wishes would be enough of a reason to fire her!

Sorry for your loss . Yanbu, you need people to support you not add stress to your life. You need to fire her.

Does she cry every time? People who cry every time someone critiques them or makes a comment or asks them to do it a different way always make me think manipulative. Sounds like she could be doing it for your sympathies.

I am interested what teething gel it is though. My friend is in france and swears by their suppository drugs and wont touch the oral ones here. She believes they are worse.

You don't trust her.
Give her notice and find someone you do trust.
for your loss, OP.

I am interested what teething gel it is though. My friend is in france and swears by their suppository drugs and wont touch the oral ones here. She believes they are worse.

I’m a lover of suppository drugs myself and my French friend used to get me a stock of the children’s variety every time she was in France.

The persistent lateness alone would be enough for me to fire her.

No idea why people have been so rude on this thread.

Op - if you're not hPpy with her - then replace her. Things like Vaseline on his privates twice a day - it would be very nice if you could do thissice you're there anyway and 4 hrs sleep is just not something you can continue doing. He's lost his dad - he needs you in good health and on 4 hrs sleep that won't happen.

Ignore the haters.

Op you have so much on. It will ease up.

Firing this nanny and finding someone you are comfortable with, whilst yet another thing to add to your “to do” list, will be for the best in the long run.

All the best

* I'd sack the nanny but would have had a hidden camera(s) in there long ago to remove any doubt *

I don’t get this. If you are sufficiently perturbed to go to this extent, then you need to get rid of the nanny. Irrespective of anything you do or do not find on the footage.

For you OP sorry for your loss. Get rid get rid get rid. Your DC are your dearest posessions and deserve the best. This nanny is not the best.

First of all - well done you. you have a successful company and a lovely family. ignore the jealous and ridiculous comments.

Secondly - please fire your nanny. she sounds awful. there are lots of great (maternal) nannies out there who would love to have that well paid job. don't look entirely for qualifications, look for personality, someone you like and you can talk to. someone who respects what you do and what you need.

fire her immediately. she isn't dealing with development of your baby - physically or mentally and thats all that matters.

Sorry for your loss, OP. You've been through an incredibly hard time. The bottle/long hair/no socks stuff sounds pretty trivial - the real problem is that you don't trust her to take care of your child, and not without reason. Two people have told you that she only talks to your son when she thinks somebody else is around. That would be the crucial factor for me. Follow your instincts.

If some of the frankly hateful posters on this thread actually read the full thread before posting, maybe they’d have been kinder.

to you OP, you are doing your best, sound worn out and have had no time to grieve your DH’s death.
You’ve had some helpful suggestions on this thread, ignore the nasty, jealous posters who are obviously too stupid to RTFT.
Best wishes for the future.

I’m in the process of hiring a nanny- i’ve found a model contract- it says I have to give her a verbal warning, written warning then can dismiss for not meeting standards/expectations. Personally I’m not as fastidious as you re socks on mat/hair tied back etc etc but thats not the point. I would be far more worried that she is not talking/interacting enough, the teething gel when you said no (regardless of whether this is reasonable in itself- your baby, your rules) etc. No reason not to believe the 13 year old, but with the caution of she’s only 13. According to my nanny contract i can fire her on the spot for neglect/something that might cause immediate harm (even if didn’t) and ‘serious breaches of trust’ eg theft etc. The circumcision thing is a definite flag that she’s not paying attention. Whether she would do it for her own child is not the point- she is paid and contracted to do all the childcare you employ her for. Her talking to cleaner is to be expected, thats how it works, annoying but there you go. You sound really frazzled. You are not being unreasonable to fire the nanny, she sounds like she’s taking advantage of you while you are not 100%. You sound like you need a break. Please be kind to yourself. As for all the other people on here with your judgy pants on today- be kind, you never know what battles other people are fighting in private.

Your son is very precious so why leave him in the care of someone you fundamentally don’t trust? Some posters think the issues you have raised are OTT but that isn’t the point - they are still issues to you and very easy for the nanny to change, e.g. not wearing wedge sandals carrying your son up and down stairs. So if she doesn’t respond, it’s not because it’s too difficult for her to do so, she just can’t be bothered. What would certainly concern me is that she doesn’t talk to your son and is offhand with other staff. In your position i’d definitely be letting her go. I’m sorry that some other posters have seen fit to be rather forthright in expressing their views but that does seem to be a rather typical aspect of MN.

I am a nanny of over 40 years and to be honest I can see your point over a lot of things. However I also think you are being petty over others, bare feet on the mat, hair tied back etc. Is this pettiness because you don’t like her, dont t feel she should doing her job properly ? It sounds to me like she isn’t and you should go on your gut instinct and get rid of her , however as I said you also sound very picky about things that in the great scheme of things don’t really matter . What does matter is that he is cared for and stimulated to enhance his well being and learning and if she isn’t doing that get rid of her .