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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To fire the nanny or not?

212 replies

Namechangetoday1 · 28/06/2018 02:36

Okay so I have an 8 month old boy and his nanny works 5 days a week 9-5 although she is forever and is rarely here at 9 and usually arrives anywhere from 5-15 minutes late. I talked to her about this a number of times but no luck.
The situation is that I work in an office complex right next to my house and I own the company so I can and do spend most of my time in my home office working and then just pop next door for meetings etc and also my staff pops in to my house for any questions. I also have a full time cleaner who works from 7-3 in the house.
So the issue is I am undecided although leaning towards firing the nanny for the below reasons:

  1. I am 99% sure she lied about using top things gel in my son when I told her not too. I could smell it in him and when I confronted her about it she lied and claimed it must be from the dummy and the cleaner probably hadn't washed it properly from weeks ago. (Reason for stating I didn't want it used was because there have been new health reports showing a negative and sometimes deadly effect from teething gels and also it makes him scream bloody murder and cry his heart out where as a cool yet towel helps him a lot with his teething.
  2. Due to her neglect (lack of knowledge) on caring for a circumcised boys privates (needs Vaseline twice a day otherwise it cn become reattached) his little manhood reattached and had to be forced down painfully by the doctor.
  3. My older daughter who is 13 mentioned that she never hears her talking to my son at all unless the nanny can hear someone coming and them she starts acting like she's playing and starts talking. Oddly enough one of my office staff also said this today that when they are at he house the nanny seems to move around very silently so she can listen in on others and only stars ralking stupid baby talk when she realaises someone else is around.
  4. The many is notoriously noisy and bossy with the other staff and acts one way in from of me and very differently when I am not around.
Unfortunately most of the time when I am working i have my door shut as I am mostly on conference calls and video meetings so I don't retold get to see a lot of this. But I do feel that I am paying her top dollar but that I am having to instruct her every step of the way and to teach her her job from buying her app programs and books on what activities to do with my son and what exercises and also when I have told her to not talk tot he cleaner about things such as damaging carpets or items of clothing and that I will address I have caught her in the act of giving the cleaner a heads up (wtf). Each time I have confronted her about these things she just breaks down crying and says she's sorry and she didn't do it and all the usual crap of how she will do anything but to be honest I really feel this person is a snake. Sadly I knew her for 4 years on and off before I hired here and she had great references of being a nanny with a family of 4 for 7 years but I really feel like this is rediculous that I have to tell her to not shake his bottle using her index finger get to seal off the nipple, or that she should wear socks when siting on my sons playmate with her bare feet after wearing flip flops to work (yes this is where is face falls and rubs against as he is learning to crawl), or that she should tie her long hair back instead of having his face against it when she is holding him or even that she shouldn't be wearing sandals with platform heels while carrying my son up and down the stairs. Each time I feel like face palming and say a silent FFS to myself I mean wtf? Aren't these the basics? So aibu to fire her or do I sound like an over the top mom?
OP posts:
MrsTerryPratchett · 28/06/2018 03:46

Find a new nanny.

Thanks
Namechangetoday1 · 28/06/2018 03:47

Anyway thank you all for your views and insights. I think I know what I need to do.
The trust has been broken and I need to be able to trust I am being told the truth.
I appreciate all your advice and views. I agree on some issue I am OTT and I will try and stay grounded. But as I said trust is key especially with my situation at present.
I won't be commenting or answering any further posts on here. I needed advise from unbiased parties and I got it.
Have a wonderful night and thanks again.

OP posts:
Aus84 · 28/06/2018 03:48

Get a new nanny. But you need to vaseline your own child.

Just curious - and sorry if it seems nosey but if you need to work for financial reasons why have you got a full time cleaner? I have a cleaner but she is once a week. The nanny can do the basic household chores relating to the children - dishes, clothes, general tidying etc.

gingerfoxcub · 28/06/2018 03:51

I'm sorry you are having a tough run OP. Do you actually you trust her with your baby?

FWIW for me, I'd probably sit down and have a formal this isnt working for me meeting with her and give her one last chance. But only if I thought I could start to trust her at some point. Outline some formal standards, routines and actions you expect and call her out in a formal disciplinary way for breaches.

For what it's worth, in my opinion - Getting to work on time and following basic hygiene practise is not unreasonable or OTT. no mouldy bottles, grubby fingers on bottle teats and out of date food is not unreasonable, I'd say its the bare minimum actually. Toss the gel so its not there for her to use. Bare feet on the play at isn't something I'd stress about but if it bothers you, well it's your baby, your rules. Platform shoes when caring for a baby seems a bit daft and would make me wonder how much baby playing she's planning on doing, but I'd also worry about the stairs.

Ultimately do whatever it is that will minimise the stress on you, and if that means starting again with someone new, be fair in your dismissal and do that. Otherwise set your standards and enforce them, if she's not happy to then it's her choice to work for you or not.

Monty27 · 28/06/2018 03:56

Dear lord op. I am older. I could look after a baby but if you interfered you would hear me

What exactly do you do for your son?

As for people coming in and out of the house, what sort of equilibrium are you expecting? And what is top dollar to you

If I were employed by you to look after your baby I would hope to be on a top grade!

You sound like a nightmare.

Namechangetoday1 · 28/06/2018 03:56

@AUS84
The nanny is English and refuses to do any cooking, cleaning or laundry and will only look after DS. So she will not do any laundry for food for him either.
Full time cleaners her cost less than a part time cleaner in England and to have a reliable one they need a fulll time commitment. So the cost of a cleaner is nothing. It's the culture here.
Also I do Vaseline my own child during the evening and night but the issue is during the day. (Totally new to me and has to do with the heat and humidity causing the skin to attach if not healed fully etc) also dd is having a hard time as I haven't worked before so all the changes are hard on her so when I finish working we cook and play and spend time together which I can't do if I have to clean.

OP posts:
Monty27 · 28/06/2018 03:58

Poor you

MentalUnload · 28/06/2018 04:06

Find a new nanny then fire this one. It will give you a clean slate. Consider an agency since they can handle the legwork of finding the right nanny and you would be able to rematch if it doesn’t work out again. Maybe consider reassigning responsibilities in the mean time, so that for example the bottles are cleaned by someone who you trust to do it properly...or delegate some of the company work so you can do it if you want to. Good luck op

MentalUnload · 28/06/2018 04:09

Nannies usually don’t do cleaning cooking etc, you’d pay extra for that. Honestly you might be better hiring an interim ceo for the business and stick to what you were doing before.

Kiwiinkits · 28/06/2018 04:17

you seem very anxious and a bit controlling. Possibly because you're overwhelmed but really you need to unclench (a lot) and let your nanny do her job.

Also, it must be weird for the nanny to have to work in the house with you there and a cleaner there (who is doing exactly what? full time?!). And then having you breathing down her neck telling her what to do all the time. No wonder she's in tears.

OnionBridie · 28/06/2018 04:21

Op, can you employ a local nanny?

Aridane · 28/06/2018 04:47

A nanny would normally do food and laundry for child though!

TwoFs · 28/06/2018 04:49

Basic nursery duties include cooking, laundry and keeping babies rooms clean and tidy. I’m guessing if you have a full time cleaner she does baby’s laundry and keeps his room clean so at the very least your nanny should cook and make bottles up for your baby. She sounds lazy and as if she’s totally taking the piss! On top of that you’re having to tell her activities/games to play with your son. It’s all well and good that she’s had good references from a previous job but it sounds as though she has no experience of early years baby care. I would get rid. A nanny should make your life much easier than this - not more stressful. I’m sorry you’ve had such a rough time and I hope things get better for you really soon Flowers

MentalUnload · 28/06/2018 05:10

Really? We pay $30/hr (mid/large city in US) and our nanny just occupies the kids. There’s two of them, they adore her, and she’s fab, so not complaining...but would be really helpful to throw in laundry and clean up after the meal prep (which she does do).

MrsMaisel · 28/06/2018 05:36

I'd let her go - there's no trust... why keep her around. Find someone you can work well with.

OnionBridie · 28/06/2018 05:39

Also, it must be weird for the nanny to have to work in the house with you there and a cleaner there (who is doing exactly what? full time?!). And then having you breathing down her neck telling her what to do all the time. No wonder she's in tears.

Circumstances mean that 15 hours a day there are 4 people working in my home helping me and my boy as well as my other children and grandchildren live as good a family life as possible. The other 9 hours of the day there's me and one staff member overnight with another staff member being the on call just in case - they are only as far away as the staff accommodation in the garden

To us its a perfectly normal situation and there's nothing weird about it. We're actually very happy and at ease around each other but perhaps its one of those situations people have to experience in order to see it can be very normal.

a cleaner there (who is doing exactly what? full time?!)

Perhaps the OP's house is big and cleaning it to the standard the OP wants is a full-time job but I think whats happening is that the 'cleaner' is actually a housekeeper who runs the house. If I dropped dead tomorrow my right hand full time housekeeper would be able to run my house the way it runs now apart from a few things someone else currently does.

LEMtheoriginal · 28/06/2018 05:44

I have no experience of nannys or living abroad so not sure if my comments will be helpful or not.

To those making unkind comments - rtft!!!!

I think you should fire this Nanny and then maybe hire somebody via a reputable agency. That may take some of the pressure off. Could you hire the cleaner as a housekeeper so that cooking becomes part of her remit? That would take some of the pressure off.

I feel for you - it sounds so very tough. Is there a way you could reduce your responsibility in the business? Because YOU sound like you need a break here. You must be true to yourself . Yes you have people relying on you but if you crack under the strain then it will all go to shit anyway.

Maybe hire an assistant for yourself at work. Someone you can hand responsibility over to with time.

I am very sorry for your loss Flowers

LEMtheoriginal · 28/06/2018 05:46

Onion I am intrigued to know what your set up is! nosey

TheMaddHugger · 28/06/2018 05:47

((((((Hugs))) You've got the right info and intentions, I wish you well :)

Fluffypinkpyjamas · 28/06/2018 05:50

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OnionBridie · 28/06/2018 06:02

Onion I am intrigued to know what your set up is! nosey

Its ok. Grin

To be honest it would take all day to write about if I really went into it. And I am inclined to go on and on so it actually might then end up taking two days to explain. So in a nutshell it all involves one of my now adult children who's severely disabled, lives at home with me, and requires 2-1 round the clock care with other always being around just in case. He's deteriorating the older he gets and Im now no longer able to care for him alone the way I did for 20 odd years. There's also the breakdown of a life long marriage thrown into the mix a few years ago and at 60 its me and my children and grandchildren keeping on. Smile

OnionBridie · 28/06/2018 06:05

Little manhood?! Ok Op. whatever. I’m with whoever said it’s fiction. hmm

On the contrary. It actually a common way to describe things in a certain part of the world.

OnionBridie · 28/06/2018 06:08

There's also the breakdown of a life long marriage thrown into the mix a few years ago and at 60 its me and my children and grandchildren keeping on. smile

Sorry, I dont live with all of my children but they are here a lot throughout the week.

FusionChefGeoff · 28/06/2018 06:11

The trust has gone and I would imagine that is number 1 priority with a nanny.

Definitely fire her - although maybe it's 'decent' to give her a strong written warning first with a 2 week probation period?? - then the minute she steps out of line, you can fire her then?

bevelino · 28/06/2018 06:13

OP, if you can’t trust your nanny it is time for you to let her go.