To fire the nanny or not?

[Namechangetoday1]

Okay so I have an 8 month old boy and his nanny works 5 days a week 9-5 although she is forever and is rarely here at 9 and usually arrives anywhere from 5-15 minutes late. I talked to her about this a number of times but no luck.
The situation is that I work in an office complex right next to my house and I own the company so I can and do spend most of my time in my home office working and then just pop next door for meetings etc and also my staff pops in to my house for any questions. I also have a full time cleaner who works from 7-3 in the house.
So the issue is I am undecided although leaning towards firing the nanny for the below reasons:

1. I am 99% sure she lied about using top things gel in my son when I told her not too. I could smell it in him and when I confronted her about it she lied and claimed it must be from the dummy and the cleaner probably hadn't washed it properly from weeks ago. (Reason for stating I didn't want it used was because there have been new health reports showing a negative and sometimes deadly effect from teething gels and also it makes him scream bloody murder and cry his heart out where as a cool yet towel helps him a lot with his teething.
2. Due to her neglect (lack of knowledge) on caring for a circumcised boys privates (needs Vaseline twice a day otherwise it cn become reattached) his little manhood reattached and had to be forced down painfully by the doctor.
3. My older daughter who is 13 mentioned that she never hears her talking to my son at all unless the nanny can hear someone coming and them she starts acting like she's playing and starts talking. Oddly enough one of my office staff also said this today that when they are at he house the nanny seems to move around very silently so she can listen in on others and only stars ralking stupid baby talk when she realaises someone else is around.
4. The many is notoriously noisy and bossy with the other staff and acts one way in from of me and very differently when I am not around.

Unfortunately most of the time when I am working i have my door shut as I am mostly on conference calls and video meetings so I don't retold get to see a lot of this. But I do feel that I am paying her top dollar but that I am having to instruct her every step of the way and to teach her her job from buying her app programs and books on what activities to do with my son and what exercises and also when I have told her to not talk tot he cleaner about things such as damaging carpets or items of clothing and that I will address I have caught her in the act of giving the cleaner a heads up (wtf). Each time I have confronted her about these things she just breaks down crying and says she's sorry and she didn't do it and all the usual crap of how she will do anything but to be honest I really feel this person is a snake. Sadly I knew her for 4 years on and off before I hired here and she had great references of being a nanny with a family of 4 for 7 years but I really feel like this is rediculous that I have to tell her to not shake his bottle using her index finger get to seal off the nipple, or that she should wear socks when siting on my sons playmate with her bare feet after wearing flip flops to work (yes this is where is face falls and rubs against as he is learning to crawl), or that she should tie her long hair back instead of having his face against it when she is holding him or even that she shouldn't be wearing sandals with platform heels while carrying my son up and down the stairs. Each time I feel like face palming and say a silent FFS to myself I mean wtf? Aren't these the basics? So aibu to fire her or do I sound like an over the top mom?

If they're mostly in one room could you install a camera or baby monitor to see if she is interacting with the baby?

Firstly I'm so sorry for your loss. I went back to work at 8 months so understand how hard it is; and that is without losing my husband or running a company single handedly. It sounds like you are doing an amazing job under very stressful and difficult circumstances. Firstly you must surround yourself with people you trust. Yes some of your reasons are a little over the top, but really that's irrelevant. If you're not happy and she's not relieving some of your anxieties by taking care of your son in the way you want, instructed and pay her to do, then you must let her go. My daughter is in nursery which has been amazing for all of us, especially as she gets to socialise all day and do all kinds of messy play which I think would be hard to do at home. But if that's not for you, then a new nanny is clearly a necessity for you to keep all the plates in your life turning.

Get rid. I used to be a nanny and there is nothing good about this one.

Sounds a really difficult situation, OP, but I'm not understanding the Vaseline thing, and the re-attaching foreskin? He's circumcised, so foreskin removed? It doesn't grow back?

This 8 month old baby has an unhealed circumcision. Surely that’s a massive cause for concern? I’m repeating that point because the OP seems OK with it, and i’m hoping someone with more knowledge than me will see. This obviously isn’t a thread to talk about circumcision as a practice, so please let’s not.

You sound like a very challenging and particular lady IMO.
I think the nanny needs to go however. The main reason being that there's clearly a fundamental breakdown in any mutual trust and your child is THE single most precious thing in your life, right?
To be honest, A lot of what you say and describe sounds like a load of hot air and piffle. You don't need to build a kind of case against someone if you want to let them go, you're in a business FFS, so just let her go if you don't like her.
However on a more concrete note, if she was my nanny then I would probably part company just on the basis that she's not really interacting with the child, that's really bad news. The turning up late each and every day is also understandably irritating.
The genitals issue I really think is your domain, if you are next door in the office building then surely you can stretch yourself to a tiny blob of Vasoline a couple of times a day to your own child's privates?

I'd fire her.

If she's often late and you're worried she's not really looking after your child, get rid.

You could install one of those monitors to see but I do feel a bit creepy suggesting that.

YANBU!!!!

You should fire this nanny for several reasons.

The “you are being OTT” is a red herring the point is she isn’t doing key parts of her job.
Not talking to your child, isn’t providing adequate care (the mouldy food) and not doing what you ask/respecting your wishes.

Your child is non verbal still - you need someone you can trust.

It’s all good and well strangers saying “don’t be so precious” but this is your child and he is precious.

Ignore the tears (it sounds like you have already given her many chances)
Find a replacement and give her notice and some severance.

Good luck OP sounds like you’ve been through a lot in the last couple of years

I think when you re-hire, which I'm assuming you will, you as a person OP need to think very clearly about the things that are very important for your baby and daily functioning as opposed to the minor niggles which just piss you off. At the end of the day, you have to accept that any hired help however good or qualified probably won't do everything like you would, if you were a full time SAHM. There are always some compromises.

This 8 month old baby has an unhealed circumcision. Surely that’s a massive cause for concern?

Totally agree. Nothing to do with the rights/wrongs of the decision, but if it was done 8 months ago, it should be healed by now and needs a medical review.

Also for sale of not exposing the person or situation, the have also made my ds sick due to feeding him with a moldy bottle, and also feeding him food that they knew had expired over two weeks ago but didn't see the harm.

I don't understand how mouldy bottles of food that has been out of dat for 2 weeks are even there. Surely bottles should be cleaned after use every time. My 12 year old checks dates on food and throws it out if out of date. I get that she has issues, but well, there are 4 people in the house capable of looking at dates on food and not one of you noticed?

There is no trust between you and the Nanny, that is the essence of it anyway, so yes, she needs to go. Hopefully then you will have a Nanny you do trust and that will remove some major stress from your life and make what sounds like a difficult situation a little easier!

Think she needs to go, i wouldn't be happy either.
Massive hugs for you op sounds like you've had an absoloutly awful time

Well you could fire her (I would) but you are still going to be unsatisfied unless you give proper instructions. It would occur to me that hair down would be an issue. And obviously normal people don't know how to deal with circumcised children (or that they even require extra care) because it's not something that you normally come across. By things like tardiness and not talking to your son are problems that would merit firing her.

I would not care if she cried. Ths is your precious child, get rid of her. She's not speaking to him, refuses to do anything for him/cook/wash his clothes, wtf, she's a nanny, she should be doing everything for the child. If she's presumably changing nappies, why cant she add the vaseline? It's the same as adding cream if he has a sore bum/nappy rash.

Of course you're OTT. You're allowed to be, OP! He's your little boy and you're working long hours, running your own business, and you want to make sure he's getting the best care possible. You can't be as hands-on a mum as you'd like to be, given your full life and the demands that come with the business. You want your little boy to have the best care possible.
My friend had a fabulous nanny, who, while the kids napped or were at school, would do a bit of light housework, a load of laundry, nothing too demanding but enough to be additionally helpful.
Clean slate indeed. This is one area of your life where you really need to feel 100% happy while you're juggling everything else. You need the assurance that your son is in trusting hands. I think once you feel better in this area, your DD will pick up on this and feel calmer too. 7 is a tricky time. I've always found it to be a sort of 'pre-preteen' experience. Once you find the balance with your DS's care, you'll breathe a little easier.
Best of luck.

Yes, I'd fire her and find someone you can trust. But you do sound as if you;re hovering over her picking her up on everything. Would you be like this with the next nanny too? Are you a control freak?

If you have any concerns or feel she may be neglecting your child in anyway why wouldn't you get rid of her and why is she still working for You?! If shes not caring for your child in a way you see fit then I'm not sure why you would need to ask the question

Oh heavens above! Sorry! Your DD is 13! Where did I get 7 in my mind?!
Oh 13... it's a minefield. A lovely minefield but a minefield, nonetheless. It's an experience, for sure. Hugs OP!
My eldest was 12 when DC3 was born, so 12-14 was a bit bumpy while juggling the needs of a baby. You've got two kids at very needy ages AND you're running your own business. That's not easy. Don't forget to breathe.

So your husband died late on in your pregnancy.
You nearly died in childbirth.
They circumcised your son without your permission.
You had to take over running a company while baby was newborn.
Your cleaner allows mouldy bottles and out of date food in the house.
The nanny wears shitty flipflops on the child's mat and high heels on the stairs.
She doesn't talk to your son.
She hasn't kept up with circumcision hygiene.

Blimey.
Sack the nanny.
Sack the cleaner as well tbh.

Honestly, she sounds like a rooky. A lot of the things that are raising red flags would bother me as a mum too, though the teething gel isn't one of them.

The thing that really bothered me in your post was the lack of talking to your DS, as this really could have a negative impact on him, he needs to be stimulated and spoken to.

You need to feel he is being looked after properly so you can get on with your job.

Only hearing your side of the story though, do you honestly, deep down, think anyone would be good enough? If the honest answer is yes, then I'd think about taking steps to have her replaced.

Good luck op.

How much per hour are you paying ? How many days / hours?
When did she start with you?
Question is relevant, because I think sometimes in life you get what you pay for your perhaps not so in this case.

OP I am so sorry you have lost your DH and had to put up with all this terrible stress and ill health. I think you know you have to get rid of her asap. I hope you get a lovely replacement nanny very soon , GOOD LUCK

I agree with larygrylls My weekly cleaner told me the nanny looking after DD1 never spoke or played with her and I got a new nanny.

Sorry your life is so chaotic OP.