My dd16 have I done the right thing?? Sorry it's long

[dontforgettofloss]

I've never posted on AIBU before, and I know it can be pretty brutal on here, I'm happy to be told I'm being unreasonable, but please be gentle with me, I'm feeling a bit fragile over all this.

Basically, my dd16 (who's just finished her GCSE's) was told along with the rest of the year 11's at the start of the year, that getting an invitation to the prom depended on their attendance at school, and attendance at the after school revision sessions.
My dds attendance hasn't been great, she's very anxious and highly strung, tends to think that everyone is against her, so she'd refuse to go to school sometimes- say, after an argument with a friend, or because she was 'tired', or that she didn't like a particular teacher.
I'm always supportive of her and understand her anxiety, but she'd throw huge tantrums about not going, and would say the most awful things to me because I was trying to get her to go.
She didn't attend hardly any of the after school sessions because she "couldn't be arsed" (her words) and she was told by the HOY that she wouldn't be invited to prom if she didn't start going to them. She told him she didn't care.

Fast forward to June, and she doesn't get an invite to prom, I don't think she realised that the school were actually going to follow through with the punishment.
I did feel sad for her- she's my daughter after all, and she got really down hearing all her friends talking about prom.
I told her id take her shopping this weekend coming to take her mind off the prom (which is this Friday)

Which brings me to my AIBU, yesterday, she was supposed to be going to the college she's applied for for a couple of hours to learn more about the course she's doing.
She wakes up, then starts kicking off, saying she's not going, she's too anxious, I told her I totally understand, but she had to go as a condition of her being accepted.
I spent 3 hours trying to gently convince her to go, in the end, she didn't go.
Her anxiety comes and goes- I've take her to the dr, she was referred for counselling, went for a few sessions, then said she was feeling better and didn't need them anymore.

When she was refusing to go to this college thing, I told her that if she didn't go, we wouldn't be doing our shopping trip, which I've stuck to- AIBU? Should I still take her? She says I've let her down.

This parenting a teenager thing is all new to me, although she's 16, I struggle with how to punish her, what boundaries I need to set.
Her general attitude towards me is awful, she regularly calls me a cunt when she doesn't get her own way, tells me to fuck off if I go in her room to get her washing, and doesn't do anything around the house at all.

I feel so sad that she's saying I've let her down, I try so hard to make her happy, but she never listens to me.

I don't think you've let her down. It is incredibly difficult to tiptoe your way through and work out what is Anxiety and what is being a brat.
Can you do something else that might give you the opportunity to talk, dinner out for example so that you don't lose face/ back down but still treat her in some way as she will be feeling bad? (Even though it is entirely driven by her own behaviour)

You must 100% stick to your guns.
No bloody way would I be doing anything for her other than provide her with basic food.
I would buy her nothing, give her nothing and do nothing for her. No washing, no wifi, no lifts nothing.
How dare she call you obscene names?
Being anxious doesn't make it ok to behave like a twat.

Stick to it OP, telling you you’ve “let her down” is manipulation, nothing else.

She may well have anxiety, and it’s good that you’re on board and supportive, but it sounds like she’s using it to take the piss and be extremely rude and disrespectful to you and to the HOY.

She’s kicking back at not being invited to prom, despite fair warning that her behaviour would be the cause of her not going.

Ditto the shopping trip, why should she be rewarded for not doing what she should do, and speaking to you like shit? If you take her I think you’ll be undoing the lesson that school have taught her, that actions (or inaction) have consequences.

I’m sorry you’re having such a rough time.

Thanks for replying user. She does regularly use her anxiety as a "get out" clause, but in other cases eg when she went out on her first date with a boy (a couple of months ago to the cinema) she was anxious then, but still a managed to do it as she obviously wanted to

I have teenagers too by the way.

God thank you all of you, I thought I was the worst parent in the world- she tells me I'm abusive because I tried to "force" her to go to school, she also called her teachers abusive because they kept on at her to pull her socks up, and work harder

I was ready to say I think yabu not to take her shopping, unless the shopping trip was somehow related to the college day: we’ll go shopping as a treat once the college open day is done kinda thing. And allow her to experience the consequences of her actions naturally, just like with the prom: don’t attend the open day, lose your chance to go to this college. As when the shopping trip was arranged it seemed to just be something nice to do together and not conditional on her attending college.

But then I got to this

Her general attitude towards me is awful, she regularly calls me a cunt when she doesn't get her own way, tells me to fuck off if I go in her room to get her washing, and doesn't do anything around the house at all.

And YADNBU! She doesn’t get to call her mum a cunt and to fuck off EVER, let alone when you’re doing something nice for her like her washing! So no way should you be offering nice things to do with her while this is going on. All that does is show her she can treat you like shit and you’ll still want to spend time with her and treat her. And why would anyone want to go out for the day with someone who calls them a cunt and tells them to fuck off? Allow her to experience the consequences of her actions with this too: until she starts treating you with respect there are no nice days out, treats etc.

As for how to make/help her change this behaviour I have no answers as I have no experience in this area but I’m sure others will. I’m sorry you’re going through this, it must be heartbreaking for you as her mother.

I personally think you’ve been way to easier on her.

You’re her parent it’s up to you to make sure she goes to school whether she ‘can be arsed’ or not. It shouldn’t matter that she’s “tired” or dislikes a teacher. And if you think she’s going to go to college at all, you’re in for a shocker because she won’t.

How will she cope with full time work?

I think there is a mix of anxiety but also being a complete brat!

It's as if she knows you'll accept her anxiety as an excuse to do what she likes and still get your support and help.

I think you need to stick to your guns to prove you mean it.

My daughter suffers badly from anxiety so I do know how you have to tiptoe around them. She has however never called me a c* and never told me to f. Off. That would be a line in the sand for me.

You did the right thing. She had to go to the college day - she didn't so there has to be consequences.

I would try to get her back to the GP. Medication does help and shouldn't be shyed away from ( I resisted for years).

she's let herself down, but lacks the emotional maturity to appreciate that and recognise/acknowledge fault in herself.

you did the right thing...

You would be doing her a favour by not taking her shopping.

She was surprised the school stuck to their guns, she needs to be shown more often that people will still to what they say.

If she expects employers/universities to relent and consider her a special case, she'll be endlessly disappointed.

Very true crunchtime I have an anxiety disorder, and sometimes I'm physically sick over various things I have to do eg, work related things, meeting new people, but I have to force myself, like I tell her, but I'm never horrible to people

She’s manipulating you. You’re not being abusivre, far from it. You’re probably being too soft!

She’s sixteen. She can legally move or be kicked out. The fact you’re still letting her live with you and doing chores for her while she screams at you and verbally abuses you is the opposite of abusive.

She’s manipulating you by trying to appeal to your emotions by accusing you of abuse, while literally abusing you verbally. Maybe next time she says that you can calmly ask her what calling someone a cunt and telling them to fuck off is if not abusive?

Does she have anxiety that's been diagnosed by a health professional? Is she receiving any treatment for that? What you're describing is about 80% spoilt brat. Anxiety is no excuse for being a rude, entitled little madam.

The thing with teens is you have to parent them like you do toddlers. Firm rules, boundaries and only reward the good behaviour. If you give her shopping treats or other rewards when's behaving like an utter horror then she has no incentive to behave. You can't carry on compensating her for her own terrible behaviour, she'll turn in to a truly insufferable and unemployable adult.

I've 2 teenage boys (18 & 14) and I suffer from anxiety as well as bipolar so I can be highly strung and anxious.

However, no way on this world would I allow my boys to speak to me like that! She sounds like a complete bitch and I rarely say that about a child. She has no respect for you or anyone it sounds. No way would she be going shopping and she's obviously not learnt a lesson from school regarding prom.

frenchfancy I was thinking that meds May be the way forward for her- I'm on them myself.
It's also my fault she suffers with anxiety, she says I must have passed it down to her

You’ve done the right thing. Anxiety is awful but calling you those names is uncalled for. Shes brought the prom on herself. (‘Can’t be arsed’ wasn’t her anxiety so if she had gone to those sessions she may have had adequate attendance)

The anxiety is a red herring here btw. Anxiety doesn’t cause you to suddenly become abusive. She’s been offered help and turned it down, what more does she expect others to do for her?

It's soul destroying but you must stick to your word.

Mine are adults now but you still see the entitled brat slip through sometimes.

For the swearing at you, my response was always "you speak like that to your own Mother?" try not to show emotion.

I hope you have real life support OP so others can remind you you’re not any of these horrible things she’s saying you are.

It’s shocking she doesn’t realise how lucky she is to have a mum who cares, a place to live, access to education and mental healthcare. I know people will say ‘but she’s sixteen’ but imo sixteen is plenty old enough to have a little perspective on the world and definitely old enough to treat people with respect. I wouldn’t have dreamed of treating anyone like that at her age.

I'm so relieved and shocked that u all agree with me! I was expecting to be torn a new arse, and to be told that I should still take her shopping, my thinking is very skewed at the moment, she's told me so often that I'm a bad parent (apart from when she wants something) that it's sunk in

Try to be brave and give her some tough love. She can have anxiety and respect you at the same time.

When there is an opportune moment I would explain that she doesn't have to behave like a caricature of a teenager, it's her choice to behave like this towards you, but like in all situations in life there will be consequences...no prom was a consequence and now no shopping

I remember telling my Mum to fuck off as a teenager once (I was awful and I’m so ashamed) and she battered me up and down the house. Obviously I’m not suggesting you do that, but I bloody deserved it and never did it again!

What I mean is (not hitting her obviously) a short sharp shock might be needed. Like a ban on the shopping trip.

I have anxiety, I know it’s really debilitating and difficult. What is isn’t is an excuse to tell lies (that you’re abusive) or emotionally abuse your Mother. Because that’s what she’s doing.

I also think you need to stop tip toeing around her and buying into the ‘I have anxiety therefore I can’t do this’ nonsense. Next time she brings it up just reply with ‘yes I know, so do I, so does everyone. It’s a normal emotion.’ and change the subject to whatever you were going to say.

It’s time she learns that she won’t be given special allowances in the real world. She’s fucking her education up pretty fast, she’ll be an adult in two short years capable of driving, joining the army, running a household, having kids, getting married, as others do at that age. I wonder what she imagines in her future if this continues.