My dd16 have I done the right thing?? Sorry it's long

[dontforgettofloss]

I've never posted on AIBU before, and I know it can be pretty brutal on here, I'm happy to be told I'm being unreasonable, but please be gentle with me, I'm feeling a bit fragile over all this.

Basically, my dd16 (who's just finished her GCSE's) was told along with the rest of the year 11's at the start of the year, that getting an invitation to the prom depended on their attendance at school, and attendance at the after school revision sessions.
My dds attendance hasn't been great, she's very anxious and highly strung, tends to think that everyone is against her, so she'd refuse to go to school sometimes- say, after an argument with a friend, or because she was 'tired', or that she didn't like a particular teacher.
I'm always supportive of her and understand her anxiety, but she'd throw huge tantrums about not going, and would say the most awful things to me because I was trying to get her to go.
She didn't attend hardly any of the after school sessions because she "couldn't be arsed" (her words) and she was told by the HOY that she wouldn't be invited to prom if she didn't start going to them. She told him she didn't care.

Fast forward to June, and she doesn't get an invite to prom, I don't think she realised that the school were actually going to follow through with the punishment.
I did feel sad for her- she's my daughter after all, and she got really down hearing all her friends talking about prom.
I told her id take her shopping this weekend coming to take her mind off the prom (which is this Friday)

Which brings me to my AIBU, yesterday, she was supposed to be going to the college she's applied for for a couple of hours to learn more about the course she's doing.
She wakes up, then starts kicking off, saying she's not going, she's too anxious, I told her I totally understand, but she had to go as a condition of her being accepted.
I spent 3 hours trying to gently convince her to go, in the end, she didn't go.
Her anxiety comes and goes- I've take her to the dr, she was referred for counselling, went for a few sessions, then said she was feeling better and didn't need them anymore.

When she was refusing to go to this college thing, I told her that if she didn't go, we wouldn't be doing our shopping trip, which I've stuck to- AIBU? Should I still take her? She says I've let her down.

This parenting a teenager thing is all new to me, although she's 16, I struggle with how to punish her, what boundaries I need to set.
Her general attitude towards me is awful, she regularly calls me a cunt when she doesn't get her own way, tells me to fuck off if I go in her room to get her washing, and doesn't do anything around the house at all.

I feel so sad that she's saying I've let her down, I try so hard to make her happy, but she never listens to me.

Maybe show her this thread as a starting point.....

I fear for a society that enables anxiety like this.

Arum51, our situation might be a little different because he has Autism which is suspected to be the root cause of his anxiety, perhaps that why therapy hasn't been offered?

Saying that - my friend's 15 year old has suicidal ideation and all he gets is a monthly visit for 45 minutes.

I the the school are arseholes. What a nasty, nasty system. Ffs, do they have zero understanding of MH issues. No wonder she does not want to re-enter a learning institution. Can you look at apprenticeships for her. Her behaviour is a symptom, I don't believe children are just doing it fir zero reasons.

Two polar opposite opinions. MN cracks me up!

I fear society enables behaviour like this.

No, you arent the worst parent in the world, unless you are very lucky being the parent of a teen is hell, I have done it 4 times. She cant be arsed to do what needs to be done, thats not anxiety, thats bloody mindedness, you stick to your guns girl, one day, she will apoligise to you, like my DD dit when she had a teenage son! My 8 year DGD told me at the weekend I was a bad grandmother, because if I was a "proper" granny, I would buy her everything she wanted, (inspite of taking her out,spending £100, on the day, food,treats,drinks.

sorry but it dont think she has anxiety probably nerves

she managed to go on her first date with it

you have been far to soft over along time,letting her not go to school etc has just let her do as she pleases

now is the tough part and start parenting here propally,i know i sound harsh but she sounds a bloody horror and you dont deserve her behaviour but you do need to toughen up

good luck

I think anxiety is a bet of a get out clause for her. She needs to learn how to function with anxiety, and that means doing things she doesn't want to do.

Anxiety is not responsible for most of her behaviour...she just sounds a brat who thinks she can get away with things. I would not be feeling sorry for her or treating her to anything nice.

Anxiety, if she has it, can be a life long, debilitating issue. I'm not belittling anxiety...it has lost me a job in the past and been responsible for 6 weeks signed off work for me in the last year. But it should not be confused with 'can't be bothered'.

sludgie they did warn her about the prom invite if she didn't attend the after school sessions, and she needed to go to them as her grades aren't as good as they should be, the school have always been supportive with her anxiety, they gave her a "time out card" in year 10 so she could leave the classroom if she felt she needed to

I think her behaviour is completely unreasonable, & anxiety or not you do have a job to raise her as a respectable kind human, so the punishment of not taking her shopping is fitting.

Sometimes anxiety can come out in anger (adrenaline response) & probably not helping with teenage hormones in the mix. as her Mom shes taking it out on you unfortunately. I would def get back to the gp, or if she would be willing, google IAPT in your local area, the service offers cognitive behavioural therapy. Often you Can self refer to bypass waiting for a gp appt, but obviously if you’re wanting to discuss medication then you’ll need to see the gp (not always but due to side effects they don’t always like to prescribe them to under 18s).

Good luck x

justvent I think you may be right, she is spoilt, I've always given in to her

Sounds like you've been too soft with her, she shouldn't be swearing at you, that's shocking, i'd have gotten into serious trouble if I swore at my parents. I think she is taking the piss just so she can get her own way all the time. She needs to learn the world doesn't work like that.

@colditz - It sounds like your CAMHS is shit. Full-on anxiety disorder, no matter what the cause, is a nightmare to manage as a family. You have my sympathies! DD's OCD pretty much took over our entire lives at one point.

She’s spoilt and you need to toughen up, OP, big time. No caving in to her pleading if you take her phone. Stop bribing her with shopping trips because she fucked up her own chances of going to prom, that was entirely her own fault. Tell her to get a job and stop doing anything for her. The next time she uses that word to you, her phone goes plus any money she normally gets. Stop putting up with this.

Maybe show her this thread as a starting point....

You think this girl is going to give a damn about what a group of mumsnetters think? She’ll laifj in her mother’s face.

The task ahead of you is huge OP. Huge. And I don’t think you’re up to it. You seem kind and sweet and try but your approach to parenting, not to put too fine a point on it, has been lazy and weak. Lazy because you know what... parenting properly is HARD.

There is hope, but it is is very slim and depends way too much on you.

The question is OP, are you up for the challenge?

At 16, she'll be expected in the sometime future to attend interviews, go to work/college etc every time and if as her primary caregiver you are making allowances all the time then that's what she'll expect from other authoritarian figures.

I was an anxious child and given half the chance I would have given into my anxiety all the time. Unfortunately (or fortunately?) my mum was a complete no-nonsense type who would not have spent 3 hours gently coaxing me to go to something of my own benefit, she would have laid the law down and firmly.

Maybe somewhere in the middle is the best ground. I believe you are right to stick to what you said on this but I would definitely not waver in front of her, or show her that you are doubting your decision. You have made a decision, stick to it and don't engage in any manipulative behaviour.

To be honest I wouldn't have been rewarding her in the first place for the non-attendance etc that lead to the prom exclusion as it's a valuable lesson to learn and although you felt sorry for her, as parents sometimes we have to step back from reasonable school-prescribed responsibility measures instead of "fixing" them at home.

I might have promised her a treat AFTER attending the college interview as a separate thing.

You sound like a lovely mum but I would say you need to find a middle ground of showing her what rules/firmness mean as well as being sympathetic to her concerns.

I just hate schools who do that, wrecking the last days of someone's education. Unless the sanction is for dangerous or bullying behaviours the need to let it go.

Teens who act like this usually are in fear, fear breeds anger. I'm not going to tell you how to parent, but I have experience of this. I've tried sanctions, etc.

The only thing that worked was consistent open, non punitive relationship.

Yes, it was bloody tough on me, yes I wanted to feel I was laying down the law, I wanted to feel respected. But eventually I figured the push was coming from a fear of rejection, so I just kept assuring that I would not reject. Yes, we talked about respect, boundaries, but punitive measures just did not work.

To me, sounds like a complete prIma donna brat using her so-called anxiety to manipulate and bully you op. As for the name calling, she's so far out of order i would completely refuse her anything other than the basics- no access to wifi, no phone, no taxi service, no pocket money, definitely no shopping trips, no laundry unless it's in the laundry basket. Tough love 24/7 until she learns a few basic lessons in manners and realises she cannot manipulate you any more.
Her cba attitude will bite her hard on the bum I hope very soon.
For goodness sake put your foot down. I'm sure you're a brilliant mum so stand up for yourself now.

I think she needs a Drs appointment,using anxiety as an excuse but not diagnosed is allowing her to carry on like this.A diagnosis and she had to follow it up.
You do need to stick to sanctions and her kicking and screaming works so she carries on.
I know it's hard but she and you will have it harder if you don't face this now.Are you having therapy?

How do I change her though? What the hell should I do to help her into the world of being an adult?
She has a 7 year old brother, that is listening to all her horrible language and insults, and she just doesn't care

I think you need to change what you do I think.Dont do herwashing etc.Always say thank you when she does something nice.And I now turn the internet off at night so no late night messaging and means I don't read MN.into the night.

caribbeanyesplease weak? Yes. Lazy? No, just scared of being labelled "abusive" if I try to make her do things - I've tried to physically drag her to the car to go to school, and she's made a huge fuss about it.

I just hate schools who do that, wrecking the last days of someone's education

It's not the last day of her education, that would be the last day of her GCSEs. The exams that her school bent over backwards to make sure she was prepared for but OP's DD couldn't be arsed to show up. The prom is a reward for those who could be arsed.

The school haven't just randomly picked on her, it's a direct and well warned consequence of her behaviour.

It starts from day 1 OP. It should never get to this point.
Calling her mother a cu@t. It’s unfathomable to most mothers.

I stand by lazy. You seem sweet and your heart and intentions in the right place but it’s hard slog parenting and you chose the easy response in many instances . . Be honest. You’re not going to change if you’re not honest with yourself.

I just hate schools who do that, wrecking the last days of someone's education

She no doubt impacted negatively on other children’s education. The teachers having to waste time cajoling and dealing with her back chat / not doing assigned work etc