My dd16 have I done the right thing?? Sorry it's long

[dontforgettofloss]

I've never posted on AIBU before, and I know it can be pretty brutal on here, I'm happy to be told I'm being unreasonable, but please be gentle with me, I'm feeling a bit fragile over all this.

Basically, my dd16 (who's just finished her GCSE's) was told along with the rest of the year 11's at the start of the year, that getting an invitation to the prom depended on their attendance at school, and attendance at the after school revision sessions.
My dds attendance hasn't been great, she's very anxious and highly strung, tends to think that everyone is against her, so she'd refuse to go to school sometimes- say, after an argument with a friend, or because she was 'tired', or that she didn't like a particular teacher.
I'm always supportive of her and understand her anxiety, but she'd throw huge tantrums about not going, and would say the most awful things to me because I was trying to get her to go.
She didn't attend hardly any of the after school sessions because she "couldn't be arsed" (her words) and she was told by the HOY that she wouldn't be invited to prom if she didn't start going to them. She told him she didn't care.

Fast forward to June, and she doesn't get an invite to prom, I don't think she realised that the school were actually going to follow through with the punishment.
I did feel sad for her- she's my daughter after all, and she got really down hearing all her friends talking about prom.
I told her id take her shopping this weekend coming to take her mind off the prom (which is this Friday)

Which brings me to my AIBU, yesterday, she was supposed to be going to the college she's applied for for a couple of hours to learn more about the course she's doing.
She wakes up, then starts kicking off, saying she's not going, she's too anxious, I told her I totally understand, but she had to go as a condition of her being accepted.
I spent 3 hours trying to gently convince her to go, in the end, she didn't go.
Her anxiety comes and goes- I've take her to the dr, she was referred for counselling, went for a few sessions, then said she was feeling better and didn't need them anymore.

When she was refusing to go to this college thing, I told her that if she didn't go, we wouldn't be doing our shopping trip, which I've stuck to- AIBU? Should I still take her? She says I've let her down.

This parenting a teenager thing is all new to me, although she's 16, I struggle with how to punish her, what boundaries I need to set.
Her general attitude towards me is awful, she regularly calls me a cunt when she doesn't get her own way, tells me to fuck off if I go in her room to get her washing, and doesn't do anything around the house at all.

I feel so sad that she's saying I've let her down, I try so hard to make her happy, but she never listens to me.

lethaldrizzle she's 16, swearing is something that a lot of kids her age (and younger) do at high school, however, I'm sure most of them don't repeat it to their parents

Everywhere. Friends at school. TV. Films. The internet. Sweating is absolutely ubiquitous. I don’t know a child of five who hasn’t already picked up swear words even if they know not to use them!

You sound very cowed by it, by her . I am appalled that she calls you disgusting names, no way should you put up with that.

I think you were absolutely reasonable to cancel the shopping trip.

My dd is almost 15 and your op is a very familiar theme. My dd is absolutely fine and happy until she’s asked to do something she doesn’t want to do, which is when the tantrums start and she claims to be anxious and depressed (and it’s all my fault for telling her to do homework/clean room/go to school)

We’ve arranged counselling with the school/gp, she doesn’t go. Wouldn’t answer the phone for a phone consultation with the teens in crisis team. Ignored the online team when they tried to set up online counselling.
We’ve tried everything to get her help but it’s at the point where I’m even questioning if it’s a red herrings as she’s absolutely fine when she’s getting her own way.

I think you’re doing the right thing in following through with your punishment.

Sorry, I don’t have any other advice but just wanted you to know you’re not alone!

Definitely not being unreasonable! It sounds as if she really needs consistency and clear consequences to help her take responsibility so you’re doing the right thing.

Anxiety is horrible. Mine is least bothersome when I...

Exercise regularly (running is best, 3x30 minutes a week is enough to totally change my mental health. Swimming and walking outdoors and yoga also quite good.)

Practise mindfulness daily (there’s an app called ‘headspace’ which is great. It’s quick and easy to use. But you have to trust the process and keep doing it even if it makes you feel a bit of a twat

Eat right and get enough sleep.

Avoid social media (and mirrors, and weighing myself)

Have lots of face to face contact with kind, funny, no-nonsense people.

I also find some of the breathing patterns I used for hypnobirthing are great anxiety ‘first aid’.

You could try talking to her about the fact that good mental health is a case of maintenance rather than ‘cure’ (so keep going to counselling after you start feeling better, for example), and that yes it’s boring but it’s better than feeling shit and immobilised by dread all the time.

Goodness knows if any of that will help, but really hope things get a bit easier (they often do over time - not parenting a teenager yet but have been in secondary education working closely with teens for most of my adult life. Clear boundaries, consistency, honesty, deep listening and making them responsible for their own success usually does the trick in the end.)

Agree, OP you sound beaten down.

Essentially you’re suffering from domestic abuse. From your daughter.

I'm not claiming to be parent of the year and get some pretty bratty behaviour too, but mine are both younger than 16 and they know if they don't put their clothes in the washing basket, they don't get washed.

It's OK to set out some basic expectations like that. If you want it washed it goes in the basket. If you swear at me and disrespect me you won't be getting what you want. (Money, going out, lifts, whatever it is they want you to do for them.) She may feel anxious about things, but it can be overcome and has to be if you are going to get on in the world and get stuff done.

Don't engage with the emotional manipulation and making you feel bad. Just be clear. You need to do A in order to get B. Then stick to it, but without a big fuss or apologies or feeling bad.

I think school are trying to show her this is how things work too, and they're right to.

I really wouldn’t recommend meds for bratness.

She might have anxiety, maybe but you’ve said yourself that she plays on that when doesn’t want to do something and can sure as hell get over it quick when it’s something she does want to do.

There’s no medication for being a spoilt manipulative brat who calls their mum a cunt.

My 15 year old son has a diagnosed and medicated anxiety disorder. His anxiety is so bad he is one of the rare teens taking an SSRI.

He has NEVER called me a cunt.

I'm 29 if called my mam a cunt she would take my face off!

She's being really horrible, I have a MH disorder not anxiety although I have had it in the past. Yes it's horrible but it doesn't excuse her behaviour towards you.

I'm sorry it sounds really shitty for you

My 19 year old has severe anxiety yet she never missed a revision session or a school day unless she was ill. Having a disability doesn't mean you can just abdicate yourself from your responsibilities.
The fact that your daughters anxiety comes and goes may mean that it is teenage dramatics rather than true anxiety disorder.

I spent many years dealing with a teenage daughter with high anxiety, and while the approach of "yes, I know, everybody does, it's a normal emotion" wouldn't have worked with her, because it was so blatantly untrue, that didn't mean either she or I thought we just had to accept whatever she decided. .

Yes, there were times when she was so ill that she was unable to attend school. There were also times when she was so ill that it was impossible to have a rational conversation with her.

But I did stick to one thing: you have to play by the book. If you are too ill to carry out your duties, then you have to see the doctor, get a doctor's note and cooperate with the treatment. That's what would happen in the case of a broken leg or pneumonia, that's what's going to happen in the case of a MH issue.

Think of her behaviour and pretend DD is your spouse instead. Would it be acceptable for a DP to talk to you like that?

I agree with PP in that you have been way too soft, I have anxiety caused by Aspergers and no way would I talk to ANYONE like that let alone my mum.

Stick to your guns and personally I would stop doing things around the house for her. She wants to live in a pit/not feed herself/wear dirty clothes let her, my 4year old can load and unload the washing machine/tumble dryer fgs

She may be anxious but that’s absolutely no excuse. Write a list of what you expect from her in terms of helping at home, behaviour and college etc then confiscate her phone and change the WiFi password till she starts behaving like a civilised human being. Otherwise you’ll end up with a 35 year old daughter living with you with no idea how to act in normal society and provide for herself who is still calling you a cunt.

It sounds like she has learned to blame you for every thing that makes her unhappy. While she is allowed to do this, personal responsibility will allude her. if you don't want to still be living like this when she's thirty (and can't move out because she's got no qualifications or life skills because she never did go to college) you need to SMACK IT THE FUCK DOWN NOW.

If she ever, EVER calls you a cunt again, strip her bedroom and ebay the contents. Unless she has purchased something with her own money or has been given it by someone who is not you, she owns NOTHING.

And in answer to your question, no. No I would not take her shopping. No way.

jesus my teenagers get sanctioned if they don't put their clean clothes away when they're told to!

Thank you all of you for your replies, it's given me a bit of strength, and I feel a bit better about sticking to my guns on the shopping trip.
I think she calls me a cunt because it's the worst word she can think of- I might get called a bitch occasionally, but never any other insults.
I told her that she could ring the college herself and explain why she wasn't there (usually I'd phone for her like I did when she was at school) and she did, they're going to send her another date to come in, she's going to blow it if she doesn't attend the next one .

I think your lack of control of the situation will actually be making whatever anxiety she has worse. I know it sounds odd, but children (and she is still a child, really, her brain is developing) will behave like this because they're desperate for you to show some strength and put your foot down. If you're constantly trying to please her then she has too much control over things - she needs you to take some control back and make her feel safer by insisting that she do the things that are necessary for her to succeed - go to school, visit the college, behave in a caring and sensible way. By not cracking down on this awful behaviour you're really letting her down - she will either go out into the world behaving like a horrible person or she'll never actually manage to leave home because of her inability to get her act together.

It's not necessary to punish her - I think you're beyond that now. What you need is to expect a lot more from her and persist in expecting that, even in the face of her being rude and obstructive. It may take years but if you don't straighten this behaviour out now it could have very serious consequences for both of you.

She sounds like a brat, even with her "anxiety when it suits her" it doesn't give her any right to talk to you like that or kick off, she's manipulating you because she knows if she screams and guilt trips you then she'll get her own way.

She needs to learn actions have consequences and you seriously need to get tougher on her. Calls you a cunt for trying to do her washing? Fuck her, she can do it herself, doesn't help around the house and tell you to fuck off? Don't make any meals for her or give her any money.

I do tell her off when she says horrible things to me, tell her it's not acceptable, I'm not always soft with her, I've taken her phone off her before, grounded her, nothing seems to work- when I take her phone she acts like she's going to die without it, crying, begging, saying she needs to be in contact with her friends, I've tried being strict... I just give up, I really do, all I've ever done is loved her, supported her, listened to her, yet it's just not enough

She's winding you up like a toy and watching you go. I'm sorry but I think this anxiety thing is a big excuse for things she doesn't want to but if it's something she wants to do like a date she suddenly gets over it. Using your anxiety as an excuse for her having it. You need to be firm with her and take her to the docs if she's that adamant she has anxiety.

No, you should not take her shopping.

You should also be giving her "anxiety" the side-eye. Has she actually been diagnosed with it? If either school or GP felt that the school refusal was the result of a mh problem, she would have been referred to CAMHS, had a proper assessment, and you would have been offered family therapy. This is particularly true as you, her mum, have mh problems. If the professionals involved don't believe her lines, why are you?

As a PP said, you have to treat teens as giant toddlers. Their brains are going through huge changes, and they are developing their adult personality. Over the course of adolescence, the brain culls about 40% of it's connectors related to things we don't do, and strengthens the remaining connectors of things we regularly do. So you are honestly doing her no favours by allowing this behaviour. If you're not careful, particularly if you don't make it clear it's unacceptable and has consequences, then it will become embedded.

Agree with the above ,my dd has anxiety.She has had a few days off because of it and we go to the Drs.
She is 15 and doing mocks ATM,very,very stressed but I've told her that going is not optional and she has accepted that.
She does not swear at me.She does her own washing in if I forget and collects anything that goes from my washing basket.She cleans her own room or lives with the mess.She is reluctant to clean the bathroom but when it gets bad I hide her shampoo until it's done(usually very quickly)

I've taken her phone off her before, grounded her, nothing seems to work- when I take her phone she acts like she's going to die without it, crying, begging, saying she needs to be in contact with her friends, I've tried being strict..

And then what? What did she do to earn the phone back? How long was it confiscated for?

You are being very reasonable to cancel the shopping trip. I think there need to be some very clear house rules that she follows.
eg

1. She puts her washing in the washing basket. If she doesn't it will not be done. You are not collecting washing from her.
2. She does her own ironing if she wants her clothes ironed. If she doesn't no one else will iron them.
3. She washes up after tea or loads the dishwasher.
4. She keeps her room today and clean and changes her bedding. No one else will be doing it.
5. If she leaves her stuff lying around, it will all go in a bag under the stairs. No one else will put it away.
6. Any litter or dirty dishes she leaves lying around will be put in her room.
7. If she swears at you or calls you horrible names her pocket/spending money will be stopped that week.
8. She has to get a part-time job.

Just stick to the rules you set. No row, just stick to them and really praise her when she gets it right. Your ex needs to learn some self-cntrol and the rule should be he does not swear at her and does not allow her to swear at him.

Like all teens she is pushing boundaries and has learned that bad behaviour gets her own way eg does not have to go to school, to college visit etc. The Prom is a lesson for her. Use it and follow up with the same consistency of meaning what you say.