My dd16 have I done the right thing?? Sorry it's long

[dontforgettofloss]

I've never posted on AIBU before, and I know it can be pretty brutal on here, I'm happy to be told I'm being unreasonable, but please be gentle with me, I'm feeling a bit fragile over all this.

Basically, my dd16 (who's just finished her GCSE's) was told along with the rest of the year 11's at the start of the year, that getting an invitation to the prom depended on their attendance at school, and attendance at the after school revision sessions.
My dds attendance hasn't been great, she's very anxious and highly strung, tends to think that everyone is against her, so she'd refuse to go to school sometimes- say, after an argument with a friend, or because she was 'tired', or that she didn't like a particular teacher.
I'm always supportive of her and understand her anxiety, but she'd throw huge tantrums about not going, and would say the most awful things to me because I was trying to get her to go.
She didn't attend hardly any of the after school sessions because she "couldn't be arsed" (her words) and she was told by the HOY that she wouldn't be invited to prom if she didn't start going to them. She told him she didn't care.

Fast forward to June, and she doesn't get an invite to prom, I don't think she realised that the school were actually going to follow through with the punishment.
I did feel sad for her- she's my daughter after all, and she got really down hearing all her friends talking about prom.
I told her id take her shopping this weekend coming to take her mind off the prom (which is this Friday)

Which brings me to my AIBU, yesterday, she was supposed to be going to the college she's applied for for a couple of hours to learn more about the course she's doing.
She wakes up, then starts kicking off, saying she's not going, she's too anxious, I told her I totally understand, but she had to go as a condition of her being accepted.
I spent 3 hours trying to gently convince her to go, in the end, she didn't go.
Her anxiety comes and goes- I've take her to the dr, she was referred for counselling, went for a few sessions, then said she was feeling better and didn't need them anymore.

When she was refusing to go to this college thing, I told her that if she didn't go, we wouldn't be doing our shopping trip, which I've stuck to- AIBU? Should I still take her? She says I've let her down.

This parenting a teenager thing is all new to me, although she's 16, I struggle with how to punish her, what boundaries I need to set.
Her general attitude towards me is awful, she regularly calls me a cunt when she doesn't get her own way, tells me to fuck off if I go in her room to get her washing, and doesn't do anything around the house at all.

I feel so sad that she's saying I've let her down, I try so hard to make her happy, but she never listens to me.

It's because she is manipulating you OP

limecheesecaker I don't really have any support, my parents would be devastated if they knew what she was really like- they still see her as an angel, they don't see her often though.
I don't really have friends as such- mainly people I know, acquaintances, no one I can ask advice about her- that's why I (nervously) asked on here

My teens are 18 and 14 and I am sitting here trying to imagine how you get to a stage where your kids think it's acceptable to swear at you like this. I can't get my head round it. How do you react when she does it?
Are you on your own or is her dad around?
If so , what does he do?

You haven't let her down at all - you're saving her from letting herself down. She doesn't sound at all in control of her anxiety and if missing events that she cares about it what it takes to make her realise that she needs help, you're absolutely doing the right thing

Can you be honest with your parents OP? Let them know the reality. They may have advice and be much needed support for you.

I’d also highly recommend you have counselling or therapy yourself for your anxiety, but mostly for your self esteem and assertiveness. You can ask at your GP or ring and self refer to your local IAPT team to get an assessment. I think you need more support than you have right now.

I struggle to believe this. What the hell? I would never have DARED to tell my mum to “fuck off”, what the actual flip?? OP, you are raising an entitled, spoilt little shit. Sorry, but I think you need to step up and parent before your DD becomes an entitled, nightmarish adult.

Tired? Fine, no technology (phone taken away etc) so you get more sleep. Still tired? Doctor’s for a blood test- maybe it’s anaemia! Abuse? No one is abusing you by trying to encourage you to fulfil your potential. You love her, the teachers do care about her. Abuse is something completely different, and using the term so lightly shows her complete lack of understanding of the real world and the true suffering people go through. Can’t be bothered? Maybe you, OP, can’t be bothered to cook and clean for her for a week.

I think you need to crack down on the bad language, any treats, CERTAINLY no shopping trip (frankly if she can make herself go on a date but not to a college open day, I’m suspicious of the anxiety- sounds more like a normal bout of nerves, from your description)... She needs to realise actions have consequences. I think lack of prom is a good start, frankly. Really feel for you, but stop putting up with it!! 💐

I have 3 teenagers, two of whom unfortunately suffering with diagnosed anxiety disorders (part a predisposition and also partly that I am very ill and they are struggling

Agree with others. You're letting her treat you like crap. Anxious my arse.

So now she doesn't have a college place what is she going to do?

She should be doing her own washing by the way. And starting to prepare her own meals.

I’m also curious how things got this bad. When did it start? How did it progress?

I suffer from anxiety and I used to not go to school because I was anxious or college either. My DM hated school and if I wanted the day off then she would let me have it off and I think that was the wrong thing to do.

You aren't a bad Mum, stick to your guns. Your daughter needs help for her anxiety, maybe get her back to the doctors and get her back into counselling but she can't give up when she says she's better. She has to go for a period of time that her councellor is happy with and as an incentive maybe have a reward.

On my first session with my councellor she told me that I'd never get better from anxiety, that's not how it works. You've got to learn how to control it, I have my moments but I am so much better now and I'd say 95% in control. Has she tried CBT?

Her attitude towards you is vile and you don't deserve that. Don't take her shopping, if you give an ultimatum you have to go through with it and I think it was a fair ultimatum to make.

Hope that wasn’t too harsh, OP- just feel bad for you and what you’re going through. Angry on your behalf!

I wouldn't have taken her shopping before the meltdown, she isn't going to prom because she didn't go to school. End of.

Actions have consequences, she needs to realise this.

Don't give in, you are doing brilliant and she is playing you like fiddle

crunchtime her Dad left when she was 6, he doesn't give a shit about her, or any of the other kids he has ( I have three by him including her) but she does have a very supportive step dad (my now ex) who supports her the same way I do, but he gets angry with her, tell her that she's being bloody ridiculous, she swears and argues with him, he swears back, and it turns into a huge row

Where did she learn to swear like that?!

I am prepared to be flamed, but wonder if she sees your anxiety and thinks she can copy and use it to her advantage - like a get-out-of-jail-free card?
In other words she is putting it on or exaggerating her anxiety.

Lethaldrizzle She’s sixteen, not one 😂

Ah I think you've just answered the question

Don’t take her shopping.
Frankly her attitude and behaviour towards you sounds appalling. She’s playing up (not bothering to go into school, not bothering to go to the new college) because she knows she can get away with it.
She’s only 16
She calls you a cunt again or acts up - take away a privilege (internet access, phone etc)
Stand firm. She needs to start learning that she isn’t the one in charge all the time.
It won’t be easy but if this carries on she will go down a shitty path as she gets older

she regularly calls me a cunt when she doesn't get her own way, tells me to fuck off if I go in her room to get her washing

This is not normal teenage behaviour at all. Why do you put up with her speaking to you like that? She sounds like a little madam who is calling the shots and knows that Mum won't follow through with threats. Maybe that's why being barred from prom has come as such a shock - first experience of actions having consequences.

Her general attitude towards me is awful, she regularly calls me a cunt when she doesn't get her own way, tells me to fuck off if I go in her room to get her washing, and doesn't do anything around the house at all.

I'd prescribe tough love for her, I'm afraid. Don't go in her room to get her washing, make her do it herself. If she calls you a cunt, impose a sanction, she needs to learn that actions (and inactions) have consequences.

Anxiety can be crippling, but it doesn't turn people into lazy, rude, entitled brats.

Yes stick to it. I think you've done the right thing.

Teenagers are bloody hardwork.

It started when I split with my ex (her stepdad) the swearing I mean- maybe the split affected her more than I thought, but he's still very much a part of her life- before that, she was often rude to me, but the swearing came about then. Her friends aren't particularly nice- one of them says vile things to her own mother too

....struggling with that.

They've all just done GCSE's/A levels and they jolly well showed up to every damn thing the school put on to help them - anxiety or not. I know it's hard but you don't get to cop out of anything you don't fancy because of anxiety, Never in a million years would they ever call me foul names either. We're a fairly relaxed home, I don't rule with a rod of iron, but there's no way speaking disrespectfully has ever been tolerated.

The 'let me down' ruse is emotional manipulation. Don't fall for it.

Limecheese - eh? what do you mean? That was a genuine question. Where do people learn to swear at other people like that? Usually some one has influenced them. I don't swear like that and nor do my kids

Sorry but she is clearly using the anxiety card to get away with murder, my middle sister has awful anxiety and we have always been told to stand firm and give her the strength to do things she would not normally have the confidence to do, not pussy foot around her. 16 years old and you still do her washing? my 12 year old sister does her own. Tell her to get a job if she won't go to college, she'll soon change her tune then.