My dd16 have I done the right thing?? Sorry it's long

[dontforgettofloss]

I've never posted on AIBU before, and I know it can be pretty brutal on here, I'm happy to be told I'm being unreasonable, but please be gentle with me, I'm feeling a bit fragile over all this.

Basically, my dd16 (who's just finished her GCSE's) was told along with the rest of the year 11's at the start of the year, that getting an invitation to the prom depended on their attendance at school, and attendance at the after school revision sessions.
My dds attendance hasn't been great, she's very anxious and highly strung, tends to think that everyone is against her, so she'd refuse to go to school sometimes- say, after an argument with a friend, or because she was 'tired', or that she didn't like a particular teacher.
I'm always supportive of her and understand her anxiety, but she'd throw huge tantrums about not going, and would say the most awful things to me because I was trying to get her to go.
She didn't attend hardly any of the after school sessions because she "couldn't be arsed" (her words) and she was told by the HOY that she wouldn't be invited to prom if she didn't start going to them. She told him she didn't care.

Fast forward to June, and she doesn't get an invite to prom, I don't think she realised that the school were actually going to follow through with the punishment.
I did feel sad for her- she's my daughter after all, and she got really down hearing all her friends talking about prom.
I told her id take her shopping this weekend coming to take her mind off the prom (which is this Friday)

Which brings me to my AIBU, yesterday, she was supposed to be going to the college she's applied for for a couple of hours to learn more about the course she's doing.
She wakes up, then starts kicking off, saying she's not going, she's too anxious, I told her I totally understand, but she had to go as a condition of her being accepted.
I spent 3 hours trying to gently convince her to go, in the end, she didn't go.
Her anxiety comes and goes- I've take her to the dr, she was referred for counselling, went for a few sessions, then said she was feeling better and didn't need them anymore.

When she was refusing to go to this college thing, I told her that if she didn't go, we wouldn't be doing our shopping trip, which I've stuck to- AIBU? Should I still take her? She says I've let her down.

This parenting a teenager thing is all new to me, although she's 16, I struggle with how to punish her, what boundaries I need to set.
Her general attitude towards me is awful, she regularly calls me a cunt when she doesn't get her own way, tells me to fuck off if I go in her room to get her washing, and doesn't do anything around the house at all.

I feel so sad that she's saying I've let her down, I try so hard to make her happy, but she never listens to me.

sorry but she's being a dick and you need to parent up - what is the issue 'anxiety' (diagnosed? being treated? engaging with CAMHS?) 'I don;t like that teacher?' or 'I can't be arsed'

do NOT take her shopping because she fucked up - not going to prom is a lesson - don;t soften it

If you don't get to grips with it now she'll be NEET not in college come Sept!

oh and I have 2 teens one has traits of ODD (diagnosed) and is a sod the other has anxiety (diagnosed and supported by CAMH's for 2 years) - they are both buggers but I don't take any nonsense - they are required to be in school and they go to school!

Anyone would get nervous before a big thing like a date. This is not unhealthy anxiety but nerves.
I too, was about to go down the route of go easy until I read the whole thing. She chose to stop the therapy probably because it took her to places outside her comfort zone. If she is "better " then she needs to do stuff. This is not anxiety but brattish, manipulative behaviour and worse still she is playing with your anxiety like it is a game.
She needs to shape up and start taking responsibility for herself, her behaviour and her choices and you need to let her fall down some potholes and get up herself. Anxiety workshops are all about taking responsibility for your reactions, feel the fear and do it anyway (good book that).

I had horrible anxiety at that age, and I never once called my parents that word or told them to fuck off. Sounds like she might be using her anxiety to act like this.

Sounds like she doesn't have anxiety so much as Being-A-Twat syndrome.

I have anxiety.

I had a support worker for a long time and she would never let me off with not going to something - she would always help me build strategies though....

Right DD You are worried about this college trip.

We can -

• Visit the college in advance so you know where you are going.
• Find out the name of the person you are going to see, and where you are going to see them.
• Where the office/reception is so that if you get lost etc you know where to go and who to talk to.

On the day I’ll

• drive you to the college
• get you there at least 15 minutes early
• arrange to meet you at (finishing time) at the 4th lamppost on the right outside the Johnstone Road entrance so you know exactly where i’ll be.
• take you for a coffee and discuss how it all went.....

Hi OP
Im going to join PP who say they don't think she has anxiety. I think you know how awful your anxiety feels and you think maybe she feels as bad and that's why you want to give in to her wants. But I think she's just nervous as teens are about starting new things. And lazy as they are about going to school. And she's using anxiety as an excuse not to do these things. She knows that will work with you and you'll give in.
I'd tell her that she's finished school now and she is entering college and then work. She can't not do things because of anxiety. Tell her thousands of people have anxiety and manage their day to day life and that she will have to as well. If she thinks she can't you can take her to the gp and ask about medication or therapy. Tell her you won't be covering for her anymore and she has to learn how to control her anxiety like everyone else. If she doesn't turn up to the college thing. Then she doesn't get into college. If she doesn't go to an interview she doesnt get a job. I think it's time to let go a bit. Let her make mistakes so she can learn that mum won't come and fix everything when she couldn't be arsed.

At 16 your child needs to learn that there are consequences. Does she do any out of school clubs, volunteering, part time jobs. The way she treats you is disrespectful, but she is probably frustrated and angry

bathshebaknickerstickers
If Dd was mature enough I'd of course do all those things with her, I've suggested we do things to make her feel better about potentially nerve wracking situations, she seemed fine about the college day until the hours leading up to it, then she all of a sudden had a list of worries.
Thank you for your reply though, I'm taking in all you've suggested.

In fact you've all given me a lot to think about, I have a lot of changes to make

You have diagnosed anxiety. Has she picked up on this herself as a 'get out of jail free' card?
So she just has the usual worries of a teenager but she calls it anxiety so she can get away with behaving so dreadfully?

Boundaries now. Privileges are to be earnt. No cooperation from her means no cooperation (or money) from you. And until she can speak respectfully she gets the absolute bare minimum of care.

I had humdinger rows with my mum. If I'd called her one of those names once I wouldn't be here now.

Op would you be open to the idea of going on a parenting course? If nothing else it might help you develop skills to manage your younger child better.

I think you need to try to show a little more of an "I don't care" attitude yourself.

eg she says she doesn't want to go to school or college

"I do't care what you want. YOu will do this or I will ring Virgin and cancel your phone contract. Get dressed"

My kids know that I will cut my nose off to spite my face. We have walked out on a meal I have paid for because they were literally fighting in the cafe. They went without that meal. They were SO sad with their bread and butter for lunch and they NEVER pulled that shit again.

I will pull the fuses and sit in the dark to cut their screen time off. I will abandon a holiday to show that that very naughty children who hit each other do not go to beaches. I have walked out of supermarkets leaving half a trolley full and we all had toast for tea - because NOBODY behaves like that for me in a supermarket.

It works. It's shit at the time, they're sad, you wonder if you're making them hate you (briefly you are!) and you are giving yourself a hard life but it WORKS.

I tell them I love them but I am not frightened of them not loving me back, and you do have to be not frightened of them not loving you back. Don't put your self esteem into their esteem of you because you will end up trying to buy their affection with treats and softness.

And almost to my surprise, they don't hate me. They do listen to me. They don't laugh at my jokes but teenagers never do.

True Anxiety disorders don’t come and go when convenient. I hate it when people lie about them because it makes true anxiety even harder to spot.

Anxiety is a living thing, present constantly. It gnaws at every decision you do. It doesn’t just magically appear during convenient moments - it can appear when taking clothes out etc.

Speaking as a parent of a teenager who suffered from severe social anxiety right through her teens (yes, diagnosed by both a GP and a professional psychologist and she had counselling and CBT), your dd's behaviour doesn't seem anything like what you would expect from someone suffering from anxiety. My dd would never have dared annoy any of her teachers or any staff at school - she was much too scared and couldn't say boo to a goose. She was terrified of getting into trouble. Likewise she would never, ever have sworn at me like that. Nor would she have been able to pick up the phone and arrange to go back to college another day, which your dd has been able to do. The thought of having to speak to someone like that would have made my dd literally sick with fright. I know anxiety presents in different ways with different people, but really, I think she is winding you up.

Sorry about this next bit. Are you absolutely sure she has anxiety? Are you sure she isn't using the notion of anxiety/nervousness, when in actual fact she is a demanding drama queen who likes to get her own way, and manipulates people (chiefly you) until she gets it?

I don't often post but felt i had to second the excellent post by Goldmandra . My daughter suffers with crippling anxiety and has only recently after many years started to be able to describe how it feels. Hers is also connected with a very late diagnosis of autism, which shows itself very differently in girls. You know your daughter best op - follow your instinct regarding the anxiety, but absolutely refuse to accept being called names and insulted.

Your daughter just sounds like an entitled brat to me, OP. Sorry. And it's you that has let her become that way.

I agree it doesn’t sound like anxiety

colditz ditto the hard face over here. Not nice but it works.

I have two 16yo DS if they hadn't attended and didn't get an invite to prom it would absolutely serve them right. If they didn't attend college when they were supposed to I certainly would not be taking them shopping. Priviledges like shopping and proms have to be earned by them. Example - usually mine pay for their own clothes from their allowance however my son really wanted a particular t-shirt recently he has therefore mown the lawn today and voluntarily started dinner for us all. YANBU to not take her shopping at all.

Does she watch you tubers? Zoella has anxiety and openly talks about how it affects her. One of our year 6s was saying how she feels the same as Zoella when being asked to do stuff she doesn't want to. It's becoming quite fashionable to say you have anxiety. It's a strange world we live in where labelling yourself with something is trendy and a good excuse!

Many people like to know where they stand. If for example you're meeting a friend at 7pm for drinks, if they are there at 7pm you're happy and off you go out for the evening. If they say, "well I might be there at 7pm, it might be a bit later, I just don't know really" then you'll feel a bit confused as to whether you friend will actually turn up or not. You might even feel a bit.......anxious over it.

It's the same with kids, they need to know where they stand. Firm but fair. Be the parent your DD needs, one that puts in boundaries and sticks to them.

Anybody with anxiety finds it hard, and needs to learn how to cope so they can get on with their lives. And it's really hard because anxiety makes you want to retreat as it's fight/flight response. There are ways to cope with it though, but that means going to GP, getting a diagnosis and accessing that help/support.

FWIW your DD could have anxiety, but she could also be a very confused, upset and angry person lashing out. She needs to learn to deal with her emotions so she can have a better future, or it will just be more of the same OP.

I would take the advice of people saying to be tough on her, she may hate you short term but she will have so much more respect for you long term. And really, she seems to dislike you a lot right now anyway so it isn't going to make much difference.

If you don't do it, then she will find out the hard way from other people that she cant act how she is acting in life.

Why does she direct all her anger at you, I'm wondering?

She’s not got anxiety, she’s learnt how to manipulate you and others to her advantage. Chances are she feels similarly to most in different and difficult circumstances but has learnt how to get her own way. She’s been spoilt and endulged op.

Big changes going forward, good luck!