My dd16 have I done the right thing?? Sorry it's long

[dontforgettofloss]

I've never posted on AIBU before, and I know it can be pretty brutal on here, I'm happy to be told I'm being unreasonable, but please be gentle with me, I'm feeling a bit fragile over all this.

Basically, my dd16 (who's just finished her GCSE's) was told along with the rest of the year 11's at the start of the year, that getting an invitation to the prom depended on their attendance at school, and attendance at the after school revision sessions.
My dds attendance hasn't been great, she's very anxious and highly strung, tends to think that everyone is against her, so she'd refuse to go to school sometimes- say, after an argument with a friend, or because she was 'tired', or that she didn't like a particular teacher.
I'm always supportive of her and understand her anxiety, but she'd throw huge tantrums about not going, and would say the most awful things to me because I was trying to get her to go.
She didn't attend hardly any of the after school sessions because she "couldn't be arsed" (her words) and she was told by the HOY that she wouldn't be invited to prom if she didn't start going to them. She told him she didn't care.

Fast forward to June, and she doesn't get an invite to prom, I don't think she realised that the school were actually going to follow through with the punishment.
I did feel sad for her- she's my daughter after all, and she got really down hearing all her friends talking about prom.
I told her id take her shopping this weekend coming to take her mind off the prom (which is this Friday)

Which brings me to my AIBU, yesterday, she was supposed to be going to the college she's applied for for a couple of hours to learn more about the course she's doing.
She wakes up, then starts kicking off, saying she's not going, she's too anxious, I told her I totally understand, but she had to go as a condition of her being accepted.
I spent 3 hours trying to gently convince her to go, in the end, she didn't go.
Her anxiety comes and goes- I've take her to the dr, she was referred for counselling, went for a few sessions, then said she was feeling better and didn't need them anymore.

When she was refusing to go to this college thing, I told her that if she didn't go, we wouldn't be doing our shopping trip, which I've stuck to- AIBU? Should I still take her? She says I've let her down.

This parenting a teenager thing is all new to me, although she's 16, I struggle with how to punish her, what boundaries I need to set.
Her general attitude towards me is awful, she regularly calls me a cunt when she doesn't get her own way, tells me to fuck off if I go in her room to get her washing, and doesn't do anything around the house at all.

I feel so sad that she's saying I've let her down, I try so hard to make her happy, but she never listens to me.

I am an anxiety sufferer and have a kid with anxiety. We talk things through and decide what is optional (eg a club, non compulsory after school event etc) and what isn't (School) We access support (if possible and needed) to put strategies in place to deal.

Dc has never sworn at me, called me names etc.

Either there's another major issue (SEN of some kind) or she's being a wee shite. Only you can assess that. Seek extra qualified opinions if needed.

Oh OP. What a kerfuffle. Don't beat yourself up, but make some serious changes. I used to threaten my parents with childline if they forced me to eat all my vegetables before leaving the table. My parents though this was hilarious, told me to hurry up and handed me the phone!!! Kids are ridiculous, you are the adult. Never forget that and always remember that ultimately you are in control.

OP, no stranger on the internet can tell you if you're doing the right thing. You need specialist help.

It's not enough for you to say 'I offered to help her/have tried strategies...'. She needs someone who is outside the bubble and knows what they're doing.

If a specialist you trust tells you she's being a little madam, you can go in guns blazing then. Until that point, assume she needs help and get it.

Thank you again for all your advice and support. I'm feeling a lot stronger and more sure of myself as a parent.
The shopping trip will definitely not be happening, and if I get anymore abuse from her, then her phone will be taken.

I've asked for this thread to be removed, I don't want my daughter to somehow find it, or the daily mail online publishing it. Mumsnet don't seem to be listening to me though.
Thank you all again for your support and for listening to me

That’s a shame OP, there’s so much advice here for others to read if they’re in similar positions, plus posters have taken a lot of time to try and help you.

I don’t feel like MN should just automatically delete threads when a poster requests it. It’s a bit disrespectful to everyone who has taken the time to comment tbh.

Does your daughter know you post on mumsnet?
If not, I don’t think you need to worry- she’s not going to randomly come on and trawl through threads looking for something that may be about her! Needle in a haystack and all that
The Daily Fail won’t bother with it either - they prefer the more sordid tales ( husband sleeping with prostitutes etc)
Stop worrying!

Someone asked why she takes her anger out on you.

Behaviour tends to be taken out on the person they are closet too. The person they feel most comfortable and safe with. Hence kids are good for teachers, grandparents etc then not for parents. Partners take out their stress on each other but wouldn't their work colleagues.

Hope that makes sense.

The prom and shopping trip are the least of your problems. I think your daughter has discovered that she can use her 'anxiety' to manipulate you.
(DS1 treated by CAMHS for anxiety)

I’ve a 19 year old DD and been through a few challenges. She has to learn to navigate anxiety. Try a prescription of propranolol for social anxiety - it’s non addictive and really helpful. For the most part she’s being bratish. Do not give in and reward her for acquiring a punishment in non attendance at prom. Tell her it’s a valuable life lesson and unless she wants a life without fulfilment she will have to build on the experience and find ways around it. Don’t be manipulated but tell her you love her

serfonli I've repeatedly thanked everyone for their advice and support, i was just worried and feeling a bit paranoid that she may fine the thread, she knows I'm on Mumsnet.
I was not being disrespectful at all

I don't think she realised that the school were actually going to follow through with the punishment.

When she was refusing to go to this college thing, I told her that if she didn't go, we wouldn't be doing our shopping trip, which I've stuck to- AIBU? Should I still take her? She says I've let her down.

Her general attitude towards me is awful, she regularly calls me a cunt when she doesn't get her own way, tells me to fuck off if I go in her room to get her washing, and doesn't do anything around the house at all.
*
I feel so sad that she's saying I've let her down, I try so hard to make her happy, but she never listens to me.*

It get that it is not easy, but all this, and you are sad because this 16 year old thinks you have let her down. I honestly don't get that

She does regularly use her anxiety as a "get out" clause, but in other cases eg when she went out on her first date with a boy (a couple of months ago to the cinema) she was anxious then, but still a managed to do it as she obviously wanted to

So you are saying that you recognise that she uses anxiety as a get out clause, unless ... she really wants to do something. Best get her to work out what she does want to do.

It's also my fault she suffers with anxiety, she says I must have passed it down to her

Goodness, she is good at manipulation, isn't she. Bet she didn't get that from you. I am afraid sh3 has got into the habit of emotionally abusing you. Its not good for either of you, but, surprisingly, particularly bad for her. Im sorry i don't have any answers, but perhaps showing this as it is, may help you loo' for solutions. Hu t they are nit offering her treats while she abuses you.

finallyhere at the end of the day, she's my daughter, and it hurts if I'm told I've let her down, even if I haven't. I know I'm too soft with her, and my other kids, my childhood was a bit fraught, and Id not want her to feel sad and walk on eggshells the way I used to- hence why I don't get as angry as I should at her.

I do recognise that I need to change my way of parenting her though, as she goes into the adult world she'll have a nasty shock

OP don’t be too hard on yourself. You’ve recognised something needs to change, for you and your DD and that’s something.

The name calling and insults on this thread are uncalled for and must hurt, a lot.

But you’re trying to change things, and that’s a positive step. Don’t be too hard on yourself and please don’t take some of the more horrible comments to heart.

It is difficult parenting teens, OP - please don't be too hard on yourself

Just when you think you've got it cracked, they go and move the goalposts don't they? I would say though, that perhaps the next time you are collecting laundry and she yells at you to get out of her room, then say 'OK', and gently place her dirty clothes back where they were and leave. If she wants to have clean clothes, then she needs to be a bit nicer to you doesn't she?