My dd16 have I done the right thing?? Sorry it's long

[dontforgettofloss]

I've never posted on AIBU before, and I know it can be pretty brutal on here, I'm happy to be told I'm being unreasonable, but please be gentle with me, I'm feeling a bit fragile over all this.

Basically, my dd16 (who's just finished her GCSE's) was told along with the rest of the year 11's at the start of the year, that getting an invitation to the prom depended on their attendance at school, and attendance at the after school revision sessions.
My dds attendance hasn't been great, she's very anxious and highly strung, tends to think that everyone is against her, so she'd refuse to go to school sometimes- say, after an argument with a friend, or because she was 'tired', or that she didn't like a particular teacher.
I'm always supportive of her and understand her anxiety, but she'd throw huge tantrums about not going, and would say the most awful things to me because I was trying to get her to go.
She didn't attend hardly any of the after school sessions because she "couldn't be arsed" (her words) and she was told by the HOY that she wouldn't be invited to prom if she didn't start going to them. She told him she didn't care.

Fast forward to June, and she doesn't get an invite to prom, I don't think she realised that the school were actually going to follow through with the punishment.
I did feel sad for her- she's my daughter after all, and she got really down hearing all her friends talking about prom.
I told her id take her shopping this weekend coming to take her mind off the prom (which is this Friday)

Which brings me to my AIBU, yesterday, she was supposed to be going to the college she's applied for for a couple of hours to learn more about the course she's doing.
She wakes up, then starts kicking off, saying she's not going, she's too anxious, I told her I totally understand, but she had to go as a condition of her being accepted.
I spent 3 hours trying to gently convince her to go, in the end, she didn't go.
Her anxiety comes and goes- I've take her to the dr, she was referred for counselling, went for a few sessions, then said she was feeling better and didn't need them anymore.

When she was refusing to go to this college thing, I told her that if she didn't go, we wouldn't be doing our shopping trip, which I've stuck to- AIBU? Should I still take her? She says I've let her down.

This parenting a teenager thing is all new to me, although she's 16, I struggle with how to punish her, what boundaries I need to set.
Her general attitude towards me is awful, she regularly calls me a cunt when she doesn't get her own way, tells me to fuck off if I go in her room to get her washing, and doesn't do anything around the house at all.

I feel so sad that she's saying I've let her down, I try so hard to make her happy, but she never listens to me.

Will she tell a future employer that they're 'forcing' her to work?

I know it's hard (I have anxiety myself) but this is the real world - actions have consequences and she should accept them

Ain't no thing as a free prom

Hugs to you OP, can't be easy

Prom isn’t that serious honestly - unless her school makes it special and goes all out, but my school’s was very naff and definitely missable. Almost everyone preferred the after parties (which your daughter can still go to!)

I can somewhat relate to your daughter’s anxiety as I used to skip school and decide to stay in etc. If there’s one bit of advice I can give her, it’s to try to move forward sooner rather than later. At some point her anxiety will really hold her back and make her miss out on friendships, relationships and opportunities. I wish I got my life together at 16! I still skipped college lectures during my a levels and got very average results. 16 isn’t old enough to ruin your life, she has a fresh start ahead at college.

She doesn’t get to call her mum a cunt and to fuck off EVER

Not saying OP does, but some mums do deserve it.

Very, very tough for you OP, especially when it sounds like you don't have someone there you can lean on.

My teenage DD suffers with depression and we sometimes get the "I couldn't do it because I felt so bad" line. Sometimes it's true and sometimes it's an excuse.

I would decide what you can't tolerate and lay it out for her with sanctions e.g. any swearing at me and I'm taking your phone. Stick to it with no exceptions. It might cause more trouble at first but you need to regain some control here for your own sanity.

Lines I use with our DD are "I'm not here to be your friend", "I wouldn't be doing my job as a parent if I let you do this/let you avoid this" and "I appreciate you are having a hard time but there are still boundaries". Repeat ad nauseam. Don't engage if she's rude.

Not saying OP does, but some mums do deserve it

How is that relevant?

Anxiety or not, she is a manipulative madam. Stick to your guns, tough love is hard but it’s for the best.

you would have been offered family therapy.

LOL

This does not happen. We have never been offered family therapy, not once.

I have to say, I don’t think calling a 16 year old names is appropriate at all. Irrespective of her behaviour, calling her a brat and a bitch or whatever is hardly nice for OP to read is it?

Especially given that you’re saying she’s wrong for the way she speaks to her Mum!

Remember, OP is hurt and angry (rightly) but it’s still her child. It would kill me to read awful words like that about my child, even if they were behaving appallingly.

She hasn't been diagnosed with anxiety, I think she may be confusing nervousness with anxiety tbh, she just gets herself into such a state, saying she can't breathe, and has pretended to faint as well

How is that relevant?

Because PP said she doesn't EVER get to call her mum a cunt. Surely that's illogical as sometimes some parents deserve it. A blanket ban doesn't make sense

limecheesecaker

And to totally back up @colditz point here, by 15, my eldest also had a diagnosed, severe anxiety disorder, and was taking SSRIs.

Is 22 now, and has NEVER called me a cunt.

Sorry to be blunt but by being softly softly and tiptoeing around her you have created a horrible entitled little brat! The things she says to you and calls you are inexcusable and it doesn’t sound like true anxiety more just tantrums!

nothing seems to work- when I take her phone she acts like she's going to die without it, crying, begging, saying she needs to be in contact with her friends

You're saying that like it's an undesirable outcome. She's being punished she's SUPPOSED to be pissed off about it, that's the POINT.

If she needed her phone that badly, she'd change her behaviour.

@colditz really? God, that's outrageous! Your child is being medicated, but you're not in therapy?

Kick the hell off with CAMHS, is my advice!

limecheesecaker poster too soon, she didn't earn it back, I gave it back after being made to feel like shit pathetic I know, but she knows how to make me feel sorry for her.
The anxiety thing is a raw nerve for me, I've suffered terribly with it

Still don't think you're being tough/ strict enough on her, she knows if she throws a big enough tantrum you'll cave like you have with everything else. She wouldn't have a phone full stop if it was my DD after how you've described her behaviour and if she's acting like she's going to die with out it to get it back.

When you cave in it's only reinforcing that acting the way she does means she gets what she wants and you need to stop this cycle, it isn't going to be easy but this is down to you too for letting her ever get away with this behaviour

You’re not pathetic OP, it’s hard when you’re being bombarded with emotional blackmail.

You recognise it for what it is now, and can change it.

I think I taught your daughter (or more likely taught someone very similar - you aren't alone).

You need to be firm with your boundaries. You're doing the right thing, you just need to continue doing it. When you take her phone, set an acceptable level of behaviour that she needs to stick to, continuously, for a specific period of time or she doesn't get it back. Screaming and crying (and especially swearing at you) will not get her phone back and once she learns that, that behaviour will stop. Then you move on to the next one.

Her "anxiety" is not your fault. She is manipulating you.

What exactly is anxiety? It just seems to be bandied about all over the place these days as some sort of excuse for not going to school, or more to the point, not doing anything you don't want to do. And then the schools and parents all bend over backwards to accommodate it. Surely teenagers have always worried and if allowed to, always made a great big fat drama out of every situation. Except now we have a label for it which then justifies bad behaviour. Just be strict and consistent. No rewards. No shopping trips. She chose not to go to school and attend after school sessions. Not because she was 'anxious' or any other such bull, it was because she couldn't be arsed. She said so herself. She has then sworn at you and gave you the run around. You need to toughen up. And if her anxiety is that bad then she should be going to the GP and getting treatment.

And before I get leapt on. Yes I have a teen who occasionally tries to copy her mate and claim she is anxious etc. I tell her to get on with it and funnily enough she soon forgets it.

And no I do not think this can be applied to all. Of course there are kids with genuine mental health issues but they really should be a tiny minority. I think our current culture of labelling and medicating is hugely damaging and many kids should just get over themselves.

Delphinae - even if my mother were a cunt I wouldn't call her one. I've never called any one that

I the the school are arseholes. What a nasty, nasty system. Ffs, do they have zero understanding of MH issues. No wonder she does not want to re-enter a learning institution. Can you look at apprenticeships for her. Her behaviour is a symptom, I don't believe children are just doing it fir zero reasons.

Punishing 16 year olds, with the cut them off stuff will only make it worse.

My 16 year old son has clinical depression and is on SSRI's. We've been waiting 4 months now for CAMHS to see him. They phoned me once after having had him referred to their crisis team twice in 4 weeks because they ignored the first referral. Their advice was to pay for him to have private CBT because they were so overstretched it would be months before anyone could assess him. So that's what we did and are still doing (lucky we had insurance that covers it).

CAMHS are an absolute waste of bloody time in my county.

Nothings going to change unless you do OP.
No wonder she is like she is if she can manipulate you so easily, push out a tear and she gets her ‘punishment’ instantly undone.

She pretends to faint?

There’s a lot of work to be done with her, that’s for sure. There’s 16 years worth of entitled spoilt child to be undone.