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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

to change DD's school & move away to have a life separate from DM?

646 replies

YesSheCan · 26/06/2018 15:38

Namechange as too much personal info on previous thread, now deleted.

OP posts:
QuiteChic · 26/06/2018 16:57

Seems to me you have your 'head screwed on' OP. You just hang on in there. The day will come for the move and with time your DD will appreciate the calmness of a loving and focused mother. I'm so impressed that you've not let your new relationship dictate your move. It just goes to show what a mature and grounded attitude you have and fundamentally what a brilliant Mum you are, (even if your mother can't see it). I do hope you're able to keep her circus and her flying monkeys at bay once you move. Fingers & toes crossed for you.

llangennith · 26/06/2018 17:05

Good luck OP. You’re doing what is best for you and your relationship with your DD.

Starlight345 · 26/06/2018 17:08

If it’s the thread I think then absolutely

chickenloverwoman · 26/06/2018 18:00

Old thread is still there.

YesSheCan · 26/06/2018 18:17

Yeah, I know. I requested delete though.

OP posts:
Gemini69 · 26/06/2018 21:18

well done OP... Flowers

downinthejunglee · 26/06/2018 21:40

Well done Smile
Please keep us updated and I hope it all goes well

MsMotherOfDragons · 26/06/2018 22:29

Just showing my face here :-)

ThinkOfAWittyNameLater · 26/06/2018 22:39

KOKO - you've got this x

YesSheCan · 27/06/2018 00:24

Ah, thanks all. Today been a write-off due to anxiety rearing its ugly head and I haven't managed to get anything useful done but your encouragement is appreciated!

OP posts:
ThinkOfAWittyNameLater · 27/06/2018 21:17

Hi @YesSheCan
How are you today?

YesSheCan · 27/06/2018 21:25

Hi WittyName I'm ok thanks. Just been pottering around trying to get mindless tasks done instead of uselessly pacing around. FFS, flipping anxiety - I have too much to get done!

OP posts:
ThinkOfAWittyNameLater · 27/06/2018 21:48

Oh man I hate it when the anxiety gets that way - sitting still not an option but moving about winds me up Grin

I feel I should be repeating all the well-used MN lines...

Keep On Keeping On
This too shall pass
All fed, none dead
No is a complete sentence
Cancel the cheque

I may be in a slightly odd mood

YesSheCan · 27/06/2018 22:12

Haha, thanks! Just had one beer and am complete lightweight so should be asleep soon. Tomorrow is another day. Onwards and upwards etc etc

OP posts:
RandomMess · 27/06/2018 22:18

Yep one day at a time!

YesSheCan · 30/06/2018 15:14

Well DD returned from school trip and DM returned from holiday yesterday and it's back to business as usual here. Am doing my best to let the little things like DM criticising the way I do the laundry go over my head as it's not even worth having a discussion about. But today DM takes DD off to an activity and keeps her out for ages then when they come home, it's obvious they've been discussing last week's school visit. I bring DDs clean uniform up to her room (DM is hovering around as usual) and DD says stroppily 'Won't be needing that much longer, will I?'
DM says, 'Why not?' really sharply. I say, 'Because it's nearly the end of term and then DD will be starting a new school in September.'
DM, now shouting, 'WHY?'
Me (deep breaths), 'Because we are moving and DD will have to change schools.'
DM, 'WHY ARE YOU MOVING?'
Me, thinking, er wait, what? Why is DM acting like this is the first time I've mentioned the move and school change, when it's been discussed several times?....'We've already discussed this. I'm not going through it all again'
DD, 'If you make me leave [current school] then I'm not living with you.'
DM, 'What you're doing is child cruelty. You're completely selfish.'
DD, 'If you make me move I'll hate you forever. You don't care about me at all. You only care about yourself. You'll ruin my life.'

So that was fun. Tried to sit with DD and talk reassuringly about how I understand change is scary, I do care about her and the move is not just for me, it is for her as well etc etc. Didn't get a great response. DM is now giving me silent treatment. Roll on moving date.

On another note, DD's schoolfriend's mum has said ooh, there's a house for rent near us on the bus route to school, maybe you could rent that and rent out your new house then DD can stay at her current school. Gah, hope DD doesn't get wind of this as she'll think that's an option that I can be constantly pestered with day in day out.

OP posts:
ThinkOfAWittyNameLater · 30/06/2018 19:36

Your DM really is a poisonous bitch, isn't she?

When is moving date?

You've mentioned you are currently all living together in YOUR house - can you give your mother notice and get her out sooner?

RandomMess · 30/06/2018 20:04

I think I would tell your Mum that after her unsupportive behaviour today she needs to move out this week Angry

Summerthunder · 01/07/2018 03:17

I agree with randomMess. Your mum is very manipulative and does not have yours or your DDs best interests at heart. She will make this move as difficult as possible for you and your DD

Cliveybaby · 01/07/2018 11:30

Wow your mum really is awful (I read the previous thread too).
I think the sooner you can get your daughter away from your mum, the better.

It might be an idea not to tell your daughter in advance when you're moving, and just spring it on her a day before, so that she can't make a plan with your mum to run away or anything.

Rinoachicken · 01/07/2018 11:37

Why are we moving? TO GET AWAY FROM YOU!!!

Sorry not helpful but you are so more together than I would be in your situation. You are doing GREAT

JamPasty · 01/07/2018 11:47

Keep on keeping on OP, you are doing fabulously!! I suggest planning some superb mother-daughter (you and DD, clearly!) bonding events for when you get to your new home.

PS - god your mum is AWFUL!!

blueangel1 · 01/07/2018 12:40

OP, your DM sounds just like DP's ex. Despite the fact that the divorce settlement is all done, she got away with around £10K of what should have been joint debt and she has got appropriate money for youngest DD (17), last night she set her own child up to try to get more money out of DP. I know first hand that wicked bitches like this exist, and you have my sympathy.

YesSheCan · 01/07/2018 15:47

I did actually say that, rinoachicken, during one of our altercations coupke of weeks ago - I have lost my cool on quite a few occasions but am making a real effort not to now.

Trying to be compassionate with DM - she is being like this because she is afraid of rejection and she has built her daily routine around my DD and this is going to change against her will. She can be a very kind person. Unfortunately, with me she seems to have lost sight of reasonable behaviour and I cannot put up with it any longer and will not have DD subjected to it. I do wish DM would have therapy but I can't make her.

OP posts:
Downtheroadfirstonleft · 01/07/2018 16:10

Op you are awesome. Keep on, keeping on. Flowers