to change DD's school & move away to have a life separate from DM?

[YesSheCan]

Namechange as too much personal info on previous thread, now deleted.

How was the school visit op?

HopelesslyDevoted school visit was ok, thanks. DD wasn't impressed I'd taken her on another visit and was a bit stroppy. I thought the school was really great. DD says it's weird and posh and she's not going there. Oh well.
Feel so bad for her...on way home she asked if we could stay out until school finishing time so my DM didn't find out where we'd been because she didn't want a row. But DM phoned me to say she would collect DD from school and insisted even when I said no, I would do it, so I told her where we had been and she told me I was treating her like she is worthless and nothing then hung up on me. I got the silent treatment when we got home. Then DM said to DD she would take her to local pub to watch the England match. DD said she wanted to watch it at home. DM kept on so DD said ok then and asked me if I was coming. I said yes. DM sulks because I am coming. They are ahead of me getting into car and I hear DM say to DD, 'Do you want me to cancel that appointment for you, then?' She doesn't think I heard. I get into car and ask, 'cancel what appointment for DD?' DM feigns ignorance 'what?' I repeat myself, DM repeats, 'what appointment?' back to me as though I'm talking gibberish. I say that I heard her and I want to know what appointment she has made for DD. After several more attempts at denial she finally says she has asked if DD can talk with the pastoral care lady at school and implies that she has done this because DD has been so upset and she cares about her so much whereas I don't. I remain calm and say yes, I am concerned too and I have already spoken with school about this to ask counsellor to approach DD and offer to talk with her. I'd wanted that approach so that it was not me or DM telling her she had to go, but a member of staff offering it rather than telling her she had to have counselling. Now that's been scuppered as DM had to interfere and then tried to lie to me about it. But I did my best not to rise to it this evening so things did not escalate I to a row. Becoming despondent about school. Going to put in application for state school transfer and hope for the best. DD knows she has opportunity to go to amazing school, possibly without fees if I can secure bursary (good chance) so if she now decides to flunk entrance assessment, that's her choice. Got to be able to function to work so have to try to worry less.

God your mother needs to be read the riot act and removed from your DD's life! Seems like maybe DD knows her grandmother is manipulative if she wanted to stay out until after normal home time? Sounds like you might be able to save the situation with your DD if only could keep her apart from your mother.

Keep on keeping on! I wish I'd had the opportunity of a decent education, it really is a lifelong advantage. Good luck

Have you given the school permission to discuss DD with your mother rather than with you? I think it might be a good idea to ring the school to say any such discussion should be with you and only you - she shouldn't be able to go behind your back like this and they shouldn't enable it. Unless you have given permission, then I would be cross with the school about this. Probably not worth it for just a few weeks left though.

I disagree. I think even with a few weeks left of school it is precisely now that the school need to be reminded that your evil mother has no parental responsibility for your child and they must not discuss any issue with her.

Your mum is going to try to undermine you at every possible point and she's going to try to broadcast her narrative on what's going on.

Get ahead of her and shut her down.

I personally think you should apply for this school anyway and see how it goes. Nothing to stop you applying for a state school at the same time.

I also believe that your daughter asking to avoid a row with DM. She knows that DM is the source of the arguments and stress. She knows! Your new life. Just the two of you is going to be amazing.

KOKO!

Checked with school and drs, no appt has been made for DD. Don't know what DM was on about when she said do. You want me to cancel that appointment. School already know not to discuss things with DM. Feeling constsntly sick, exhauted, another day havemt made it into work because had to pull car over feeling awful. Sat in car for 3 hrs before going home because didn't want interrogation from DM why I haven't gone to work.

You're nearly there and doing such a brilliant job. I can't imagine how I would be able to control my temper around such a witch. I second what pp have said about calling the police, but I know you said you didn't want to involve SS. If you do call the police will that set in motion a SS call ?

Btw, when I've been totally stressed out and not able to sleep I've taken a 'night time' anti-histamine. It's just enough to make me sleep and I don't wake up drowsy and disorientated. (I found out because I had some serious bites one summer that were keeping me awake and the chemist advised an anti-histamine) I realise it's not taking a drug for the purpose that it was intended for and I don't do it on a regular basis, maybe once in six months, but if it helps and has less side effects than valium then maybe it's a better choice.

I feel a bit unnerved at the appt! What could she have been planning?

Quitechic thanks for the tip, although it's more anxiety during the day that is a problem for me. Am so exhausted at night that sleep is ok after the initial lying awake for a bit. Really should restart mindfulness but it's hard to find space in my home to do this regularly without bring interrupted!

I seriously will call police if any more physical violence.

Fluffyrainbows I'm unnerved too! Could be DM just mouthing off but am a bit concerned appointment could involve living arrangements. Don't want to question DD about it as this isn't fair to her and then I'm just engaging in DMs game. I will keep a close eye on what is going on though as DM has already proved that she lies about things she plans for DD.

Had panic attack on way to work this morning, had to pull over, couldn't make it in

Oops accidentally posted before completing...
...and DM told me I needed to get help. I said, 'stress is making my anxiety worse'. She also questioned me on what I'd had to eat then when realised I'd had some leftovers from yesterday for lunch (forced myself as too nauseated to eat breakfast but by afternoon was feeling tired and weak so made myself have food), she said sarcastically, 'I see you were so anxious that you ate the x from last night...when I had anxiety I couldn't eat anything at all'. Am learning not to enter into the justifying and explaining mode which is my usual default. All this is in front of DD. FFS.

Hmm... that is creepy!
Might be worth insisting she doesn't do any more school pick ups and drop offs. Then you can (a) try and minimise the time she has alone with your DD, and (b) don't give her any opportunity to take her away somewhere. If she refuses to play game then tell the school she isn't authorised to pick up your DD. Tell her that you don't trust her around your daughter any more.

Op I've been following your threads and I just want to repeat what others have said, your mother is appalling and dangerous. I know you said you understand why she is behaving like this and you justify her behaviour because of this, but really she is awful. The way she ignores you when you said No to her picking up DD, the way she badgered & wore down DD to get her to agree to go to the pub, all this behaviour & all the shouting at you - this is not coming from a loving Mother - this woman is a monster & so intent on getting her own way that she just flattens anyone in her path. I really feel for you and I know you are struggling with your health, but just keep focusing on the light at the end of the tunnel, once you have escaped, life will be so light and free and I cannot help feel that your health will improve considerably and you and DD can have a normal healthy relationship. I know it must be hard seeing your mother described in this way by so many people because no-one wants to believe that their mother is nasty and controlling and a bully, I know that, but I think once you are away from her you will realise that sadly your mother doesn't want the best for you, she only wants to control you and that is not love. When you have escaped, please, please do not let her back into your lives.

How are things op?

If I can help in any way please let me know.

I had similar issues with my sister and my (then) dh.
It was quite the saga at the time and seemed never ending but , life can , and will, be better.

Hang on in there.

How are things op?

If I can help in any way please let me know.

I had similar issues with my sister and my (then) dh.
It was quite the saga at the time and seemed never ending but , life can , and will, be better.

Hang on in there.

Ditto from me too. I have dealt with narcissists and know how awful they are. I think I also know the area you're in as it's not too far from DP's family.

Thanks all. I am ok-ish. Think DM is more controller than narcissist. Another difficult morning this morning. DD was on track for me to take her to school but was deliberately slow getting ready and refused to clean her teeth. She was playing on phone and saying she didn't have time to do her teeth. I said yes, she did if she hurried up and did them right away, got her toothbrush and toothpaste, handed to her and said 'do them now'. DD slaps the toothbrush out of my hand and it lands on carpet with toothpaste messing up carpet. I say DD is not having her phone and tell her to hand it over. She refuses so I take it off her. DD then says she won't come to school with me and DM can take her. DM tells me to give DD her phone back. I say no and go out to car, asking DD to come with me so we can get her to school on time. She keeps refusing and so I continue getting into car, start it up and say I will go to her school anyway and explain why she is not there. DD then comes to get into the car and says 'I'll come with you if you give me my phone' I say no, the phone was taken off her because she hit the toothbrush out of my hand and she will get it back this evening if her behaviour improves. So DD stands behind my car so I can't reverse out of drive. Then she decides to go back into house, and comes back out with DM following and gets into DMs car. DM strides out to her car and says 'she's coming now' I say 'she's coming with me' DM says to me 'she doesn't have to. Why are you so stupid? For god's sake'. I say I am coming to the school anyway to speak with the counsellor about my concerns about DDs behaviour. DD is probably concerned I am going to say what happened this morning so finally agrees to get in my car. Once on the way she is chatting to me about the films she likes and we get to school just on time. Exhausted. Maybe I didn't handle it the best way but this is the constant butting in and undermining I have to deal with.

I think you did brill!!!!

We take DD phone off her overnight, she gets it back in the morning when she is ready for school! The older ones are less addicted but youngest is terrible with it.

Wow, well done I certainly couldn't have handled that as calmly as you just did.

Its interesting how she chats away so nicely when DM isn't around.

RandomMess once I have the freedom to discipline and raise DD as I see fit without interference, phone will be taken away at night! Right now it's a bargaining chip for her to play me and DM off against each other.
DM is currently washing DDs hair in the kitchen sink. I have run out of energy to argue rn and DD refuses to shower.
Also had from DM this morning 'why are you doing this? You never usually bother taking her to school' - now I admit there have been many occasions when I've been exhausted after a long day's work, and on a following day off have taken advantage of sleeping on because I know that DM will take DD to school. Part of her enabling me to be useless which I've made miatake of going along with in a zombie-like way. So glad I've realised I was doing this and have made these changes. My therapist said there would be turmoil when I started to change my behaviour and she was right.

I've said to DM before that I really appreciate everything she's done to help when I was sick, and now I'm a lot better than I was, I can do those things for myself and DD now. What makes it difficult is that stress, especially emotional stress, exacerbates both my anxiety and chronic fatigue/POTS so these altercations with DM often end up with me feeling awful and ill and her feeling vindicated because I obviously can't manage by myself and need looking after. I've tried so hard to be reasonable and still sometimes doubt whether I am handling things in the right way...then your replies on here encourage me that I am doing the right thing.

You're amazing. Honestly, I couldn't stay that calm in the face of such obvious interference. She is deliberately trying to alienate your daughter from you and it's sickening and enraging. Well done.

Any good news on the moving date or school?

I know you don't feel it but you are doing a great job.

I’ve read this for some time and honestly can’t believe just how bloody brilliantly you are doing.

I can’t wait to hear how well life treats you after your move xx

Just wanted to say I am here cheering for you. It might not feel like it but you are doing so well.
To be honest DD in a crap school away from your DM would be preferable to the status quo.

The support on here has been very helpful for me staying calm during these incidents. And I have to say there is so much helpful online literature including sites like OOTF which has excellent tips for not falling into the trap of engaging with someone who is being manipulative. Reading about the Justify Argue Defend Explain thing was a real lightbulb - since I've been making real effort not to do this, at least I don't end up screaming too, which used to happen before and then nothing would get any better. Thanks those of you who recommended OOTF. And my therapist was great too. Had 24 sessions of cognitive analytic therapy which is only meant to be a 12-16 session course of treatment and she finally got me to realise that I have the power to live my own life!