to change DD's school & move away to have a life separate from DM?

[YesSheCan]

Namechange as too much personal info on previous thread, now deleted.

I think I'll talk to Social Services as well amd explain the situation...maybe DD will listen if a social worker explains to her what emotional abuse is? God I don't know, I just need to get DD away from this asap.

This morning update: DD didn't go to bed until 2. Is exhausted. I've let her go back to sleep after several attempts to get her up and dressed failed. Phoned school to say she'll be absent today and asked pastoral care lead to call me back. Cancelled my work for today because I am not leaving DD with DM. Last time DD was too tired to go to school and I went to work, DM was taking her out and about with her including round her new rental place and drinks at the local club. Currently sitting in my room trying to gather my thoughts and form a sensible plan for what to do next.

Could you not move into short term rented accommodation - I can only see 'DM' escalating as she looses control?

I am trying to form a plan of where else to stay right now. Affording it will be difficult and also finding somewhere at short notice but I am going to have a look.

Op i feel for you so much.
Could you book a night or 2 away for you and dd. Just a small break like a spa (one that will let kids in) or some where with an attraction. And use the 2 nights to re-bond and speak with her on a 121 level without dm there? It will give you both a break. Admittedly with her behaviour a treat should not be happening but she sounds like she is really confused xx

I seriously think you need to call and self report to Social Care, tell them and the police everything you've told us ( use this thread?)
And get your Mum out now. It's your house! I know it's hard for you, but you have to do this, for your daughter's sake, if not your own. xxx

At some point today DM will go out to her rental place to 'do jobs' and as soon as she does, I will pack up all her stuff and get the emergency locksmith round. In meantime I can't go out because I will not leave DD here with her. Trying to gather thoughts to speak to Soc Serv.

Chickenlover it is legally my house (in ky name only) but DM put down a sizeable deposit on it (between £90-100k) and refuses to leave until the sale completes and she gets her share

You poor thing.

I echo other posters, you have to get both yourselves away from your mother.

As she part owns the property it's too complicated to just lock her out. She would have every right to insist she regains access and I imagine would use this right to engage with you.

I would look at Airbnb type rentals or summer lets.

Left in the house alone I could foresee your mother luring dd back and that would be the time to involve social services.

Also could she scupper the sale?

Ps even with the water flicking you are a saint.

Could you sign an affidavit that you will repay her money upon sale completion? Just to prove you absolutely will return it and that kicking her out is not about the money?

I think you can ask a solicitor or (gah there's a word for it but can't remember - anyone know what I mean?!) to witness & sign. Not massively expensive.

Don't let your disappointment in how it went last night prevent you from getting out of this mess and away from mother. You can win this through sheer perseverance.

YES YOU CAN!

Ok it's in your name only.

Fantastic!
Get her out and involve the police when she kicks off. I would also consider moving out for a week with your daughter after you change the locks to avoid the worst of the conflicts and considering a restraining order.

This is just awful. The toll on you, mentally and physically, must be immense.

I think chicken is right and I really think a word with SS might be a good idea. Your daughter's violence is disturbing. Kicking you like that is absolutely unacceptable and no happy (NT) child kicks their mother like that).

Just to reinforce what you already know: your mother does not have your daughter's best interests at heart. Your daughter needs consistency, two caregivers holding the same line, a regular structure and boundaries.

Could you get a lawyer involved to get your mother out? She is pure poison now.

Tbh since your daughter is already past her 10th birthday, I wonder if you need to move further away than you're already planning. From everything you have written, your mother will carry on trying to get contact and frankly seduce your daughter into living with her. Your daughter is the most important person in your life and it's a huge thing to do, but moving further away might be safer.

Looking from the outside and with the list of behaviours you've mentioned (and I'm sure there are thousands more interactions like these) then I think that not letting her know your new address, removing her number from your daughter's phone and severing ties with her is the safest option for you. It's extreme, but from all you have said there is a real danger you will lose your daughter to this highly indulgent and very poisonous mother. God knows what she's saying about your to your daughter when you are alone.

Your mother is out and out abuser op.

She will cause great harm if allowed to do so. I would warn her quietly and only once that you will call the police if she is harassing you and have her charged.

Inform the school of the situation and make sure everyone knows that your dd is not to be collected by anyone else but yourself.

Do you have a friend that can stay with you for a few nights to support you? It would be better if you had some protection from her in the shape of a third party to send her away.

She is losing control of you and your dd, she won't like it one bit. It is still the right thing to do. Keep going. You will be in a much better place soon.

If you were being treated like this by a husband or partner, what would you do? I bet you'd change the locks and get them out.

I'd have put your mother under a new patio long ago op!
Can you look into get an order removing her from the house and forbidding contact? She's so incredibly abusive and manipulative, beyond my comprehension.
💐💐 for you x

DM has just come into my room to ask me to find a phone number. She has forgotten to go to a speed awareness course this morning. This is 'because you upset me'. She already has the number on a bit of paper but swears it's not the correct number because she just tried to dial it amd got through to someone we know. I tell her that is not x's number, you probably pressed something on the handset my mistake and dialled a number in the call history. 'No, no, I dialled that number'. Sigh. I dial the number which is the same as the one I just googled for her. Get through, yes, it is x company, listen. 'But I called that number, how did that happen?' I explain again amd tell DM she needs to sort these things out for herself. She is not senile or stupid.

@ThinkOfAWittyNameLater I think you mean a notary public? They can formalise documents but I don't know how much it would help here - I don't think DM's issue is that she doesn't believe her daughter will pay her back, I think it's that she likes living with them and exerting control and she's trying to preserve that. An affidavit from OP would have no official weight except as an undertaking from OP.

In fact, I'd treat her exactly the same way as an abusive partner. Prohibited Steps order, Mesher, the works. I'd contact Woman's Aid for advice, as you are in exactly the same situation as with a very abusive partner, only she just happens to have given birth to you :( And I'd be seeking legal advice asap, as well as local MASH team and police.

YY I need to get DD out of here asap. Trying to work through logistics of school, what to do with pets, packing up etc. No appropriate airbnbs available locally. About to search short term rentals in the area.

YesYouCan she's just messing with you! PLEASE, call the police etc. I know it's hard to do, I know it's your mother, but she is so abusive and controlling and this is coercive control, which is illegal, and is not confined to just partners or spouses, but can include family members. I wish you the very best of luck, today, in a very difficult situation.

You shouldn't leave, it's your house! Get her out, not you. Get police involved now, so they can log all this and take whatever action they suggest. See a solicitor asa and get an order so if she comes near you or DD or your house, she breaches the law.

Then you wouldn't have to worry about moving g to a b and b, pets etc. You could stay in YOUR OWN HOUSE until term is over, you get the new place sorted, etc . And if your vile mother comes near you or DD the police will take appropriate action.

She’s crazy and not fucking up your mental health but your DDs too. Can you send your DD To stay with a friend at the weekend? Change the locks and leave mothers stuff on the doorstep. (Maybe see if you can intercept DDs phone and block your mother from contacting her).

I think you are being so strong! You are such a great mum to your DD, keep strong and resolute. You can do this, YesYoucan

Logged with child safeguarding who told me to call police if anything like last night happens again. Other than that weren't sure who to signpost me to.