to change DD's school & move away to have a life separate from DM?

[YesSheCan]

Namechange as too much personal info on previous thread, now deleted.

If you can move quickly it is more likely to be ok.

Sadly I think your DDs behaviour will not improve much whether is pure control or that mixed with autism/something it's going to be difficult to parent her

DP does not live with us. We are at present an hour's car journey from each other. It would be 1hr 20mins if I move to this other property (he is cross country hence why although would be moving back nearer old school, journey times not that different). He doesn't have any parenting input with DD. We've only been together 18 months. He comes over on most Saturday evenings. Obviously going out and doing nice stuff together is a rare occurrence while I've been dealing with all this and he's had a very busy time at work...we were meant to be seeing each other today while DD is staying with best friend but he's gone down with some viral thing and so have I and he has an interview next week so we've had to postpone that. He understands I'm having a hard time with DD but I don't expect him to get involved with it. He does try to give constructive advice.

YY RandomMess I am not thinking move bacak to old school will fix everything. I would continue to pursue the CAMHS early help then assessment if necessary. Am just thinking at least if DD is happy back at old school that will address the current issue of her education and leave more space to deal with the rest of the issues.

Property I'm looking at is vacant possession no chain. I am going to ask agent if definitely no chain and no probate issues to make absolutely sure there will be no nasty surprises. Then if offer gets accepted etc I'll have to steel myself for yet another move. I'm so f'ing tired.

But she still won't be happy, her underlying issues will just manifest themselves in different ways. Unless you have significant local support which would relieve the pressure you are currently under the upheaval would not be outweighed by the benefit.

LIZS yes I know she will still have issues, that's why I'm going to continue with the CAMHS input. But the situation is, if we stay here, I either have a major battle on my hands getting her to cooperate with home ed, or I re-enrol her in school here and have a major battle on my hands getting her to attend, which I cannot physically force her to do, so we will end up in the same situation of school refusal. I can't have my DD not receiving an education and at least I know there won't be any refusal issues with the old school.

I think you are a people pleaser and are yet to realise you aren't responsible for their happiness but continue to bend over backwards to accommodate them.

What do you want?

Make that adult decision for yourself first.

Do you want to stay? So you want to try being independant? You haven't given it long at all.

She won't be happy what ever you do.

Don't assume they'd have her back. Some schools won't allow it

I can't remember if you have told us if she has any contact with her father. If so can he help out in any way? She seems to be able to manipulate you, and make your life very difficult.

I agree that she won't be happy whatever you do for her. She has learnt control from your mother and sees it as normal. I can't offer any helpful advice, but here's a handhold.

I understand that it would be easier to go back to the old school but it will just open up more battle grounds and she will view it as a victory. I also predict she will be visiting nana at the first opportunity and she will be back in your life.
I surmise you are a GP or a PN ( I think you said you were one or the other). Have you thought about changing your branch of practice- eg occupational health or even working for the companies doing assessments for benefits, or perhaps a civilian medical practitioner with the military? Not ideal but can be less demanding that the non stop pressure in a GP surgery.

If you were thinking of buying this property would that just not trap you back into that area? Your dd is as likely to refuse to attend there, friends or no friends.

I am responsible for DD though. And for making sure she gets an education. The new house is in a different town from where we used to live but near enough to the old school for DD to return there.

DD has had no contact with my mother since the move. She has not asked to see her. She has recently opened up a little about things my mother did that she found difficult. I know she won't be running round to my mother's as soon as we move back. She wouldn't even know how to get there without my help. And my mother never comes to the town where the new house is.

I absolutely will not be letting DD off the hook as far as her behaviour is concerned. I have already told her the move back to the old school is because she needs to get an education as that is the law. I have told her that this move is involving a huge amount of effort on my part which is for her benefit and that we are still going to get help for her behaviour, she has to engage with that and she has to abide by the rules I set at home. She will not be able to retort to any discipline for bad behaviour by saying she won't cooperate unless I send her back to old school because she will be there. With that issue taken away, I feel I am in a stronger position to impose sanctions because she knows she has nothing to complain about.

LIZS there was nothing wrong with our old area apart from me not being able to afford a property there that was near enough the old school but far enough away from my mother. Now one has come up I am quite content to move back to that area. It's not exactly the same area and we won't be bumping into my mother.

I think I also need to continue to consider that I am probably not dealing with a neurotypical child here and that if there is a school that I know she is happy in, at least if I get her back there, that leaves room to address the other problems. Plus I can't have my capacity to work jeopardised by a school-refusing child. I have to be pragmatic here.

She will find something to complain about. Friends, journey to school , even school itself. She has been directing her frustrations at you because you are safe and won't reject her. If she tries the same at her old school or with her friends she may not be as easily accommodated. If she has sn as suspected the hoops you would need to jump through to enable this mean nothing. Can camhs provide any support for you ?

She won't refuse to go to old school. And there were never any concerns or complaints about her behaviour at the old school even when all the drama with my mother was going on. Yes, she has been referred to CAMHS and I have told her she has to cooperate with the help from them. I am hoping the early help measures will lead to an ASD assessment. I just need to know what I'm dealing with so that I can approach discipline in a way that will work for her.

I've just found this:

www.google.com/amp/s/taniaannmarshall.wordpress.com/2013/06/22/first-signs-of-asperger-syndrome-in-young-girls-pre-school/amp/

Almost all of it applies to DD. I'm printing it out, highlighting everything that applies (nearly all of it) and taking it to CAMHS with us.

Can you access any resources for parents of girls on the Autistic Spectrum ? It may be worth trying some of the suggestions before making a decision re. Schooling and moving. She has already learnt how to push your buttons, don't assume she won't do so even if you follow what you believe to be her preference.

A couple of people have already sign posted pda autism or autism with demand avoidance.

Seriously, go read that.

If it is demand avoidance autism then this to-ing and fro-ing trying to assert authority is just making your life harder. If you're home edding for now then there are definitely Facebook groups that can help you in a pda home ed journey.

I have just read all of this thread - I feel so sorry for you both. It's going to take a while but if you every single time see her anger as anxiety borne of a fight or fight response being highly tuned to "getting it wrong" then her anger is a sign that she's descending into anxiety.

I have a pda child, who I home ed. I have fought with strict boundaries but realised I was simply increasing everyone's anxiety. Different children need different supports and boundaries and I know that clashes with some of the other advice above and I'm sorry, but that advice isn't necessarily working that well (I want that emoji with a little character cringing because I'm not slagging others off)

You said earlier autism isn't an excuse for bad behaviour and it isn't but you will get different responses to actions other than you expect. Simply, to my mind, different wiring - so a situation where you think you've been reasonable is responded to in a way you don't expect. Some demand avoidance management techniques may well help anyway

Yes I seriously think I'm going to need to try a different approach with discipline. Currently watching the 'walking tour' videos on this site www.livesinthebalance.org

OP did any of those apply to you as well?

Some but not as many

You can access the NAS helplines without a diagnosis, and "Young Minds" is another charity that has helplines that can help.

To be honest some of the advice here would be fine for most teens but if she is on the Spectrum really might not be. Just as there is a difference between a meltdown and a tantrum but it can be subtle; so there is a difference between being stubborn/wishful thinking and "I really can't handle this". If your DD moves back fast and the school supports her it might just be the solution.

Is there any chance your mother would turn up at school?

Thanks Beka. We now know DD can start back at her old school asap, which in practice will be after Christmas as I need to move us out of here and we will be staying with family/friends in interim.
Old school are aware of situation with my mother. I had already advised them before DD left last summer that my mother was not to be given any information or allowed to collect DD from school any more

I've followed your threads for a long time now and I can't help but feel you should never have moved. It seemed overkill to me. You deal with your mum, you don't throw the house, school and everything away too.
All you had to do was evict your mum. Instead of just giving your mum the boot, you uprooted a very confused and what seems an unstable young girl. I think I made a comment several months back that you shouldn't move. I feel that now the evidence especially bears that out. Especially since your mum was moving anyway. If you and your daughter still lived in your own house that you owned, your daughter would still be at her school. Unfortunately now things seem worse than before - at least that is the impression I am getting. I really, really hope things somehow work out for you, but it seems to have been a complicated path to almost full circle.