to change DD's school & move away to have a life separate from DM?

[YesSheCan]

Namechange as too much personal info on previous thread, now deleted.

Supporting you on your new thread.

You are doings well to remain calm in the face of such provocation.

Perhaps contact HQ again as your old thread is still visible.

Thanks! Yeah, HQ were reluctant to delete thread but advised me to go back through and report all the posts with potentially identifying info so they could just remove those bits and I felt so anxious last week I just couldn't do it.
Don't feel like I'm doing v well at all atm. DD chose bedtime to say she's not going to school tomorrow because what's the point if she's not going to be there much longer anyway. DM agains plays ignorant about why DD isn't going back to that school in Sept. DD she won't change schools and I'll have to get a house in the town where we are now otherwise she won't live with me, she'll live with her GM. I say no that's not happening, I know you don't like it but we are moving and you are living with me. Cue DD firing pencils at me with bow and arrow, refusing to go to bed. DM eventually leaves room and goes into kitchen. DD hanging around on stairs trying to argue the toss. I say I'm not arguing, go to bed. Go into kitchen and shut door behind me to have quiet word with DM - 'please don't encourage her to think she can stay here and do not tell me that what I'm doing is child cruelty'. Before I get sentence out DM has flung open door so DD can hear her and starts shouting at me, 'she has a mind of her own, what makes you think this is anything to do with me? I haven't said anything to her'
So now DD has trashed her room, thrown her books everywhere because she knows I tidied them all while she was on her trip last week, come in my room, thrown all my shoes she could grab at me, one hit me really hard, DD kept hitting me with meccano bow and arrow she made (long strips of plastic slapping me across the legs and bum). I say I know she is angry with me but that is no excuse for violence. Oh, forgot to say DM called me unstable in front of DD and I heard a lot of stuff about my ex partners and how I always choose weirdos come out of DDs mouth again that can only have come from DM.
This afternoon I spent watching a film that DD loves and I'm not really bothered about, because she really wanted me to watch it with her. Set up a program on iplayer for DM to watch on my laptop because she hated the film, and kept getting up to restart it for her because it would buffer and she doesn't have a clue with computers. And I'm expected to take this level of shit. Not sure how much longer I can stand it. DM refuses to leave until moving day because she won't have her share of the money from house sale before then and she's not going until she gets her money. I could move DD out with me to an airbnb until we move but can't really afford.

Urgh to you have any friends or family you could stay with instead?

No, might need to put airbnb on credit card. Or hurry up moving day and stick it out til then, depends if I can.

Have you got a moving day yet? The AirBnB might be worth it for the peace of mind, and also to get DD away from D(?)M.

Oh, and just for the record, I think I would have throttled your DM by now. Respect.

No moving day yet, seems so long waiting. Have another school visit for DD coming up this week, will be a lot trickier than the last one to get her to come along to because DM is here. If DD kicks off/refuses to go (she is big as me and stronger so I can't force her into car) then she'll screw her chances with the best school I've got a shot with. Stomach is churning thinking about it

How much longer until moving day?
I would be tempted to either airbnb, or book a cheap room and tell your mother she has to move out, and you have booked a room for her until moving day.
The atmosphere sounds absolutely exhausting.

Do you have a new school sorted?

Can you book a hotel near the school and travel up the night before? Maybe somewhere that will seem a bit of a treat to your dd? So that she isn't exposed to your DM on the day of the important school visit.

Don't know moving day yet, could be another month! DM will not move out. School not sorted, as I said we're meant to be visiting one this week and I'm scared because DM is likely to sabotage and it will be difficult to get DD there without DM getting wind of it. But I'll do my best.

Think better if I just take DD on morning of visit as if I'm taking her to school (may have to put foot down with DM who often insists that she will take DD to school). DD wouldn't see staying in hotel as a treat and would figure out that normal school wasn't on the next day so it must be another visit, then would refuse to come.

Hang on. Do you NEED to take daughter with you? Couldn't you look around by yourself? DD is going to be an arse about this (not blaming her) so why give yourself more hassle?

Maybe hold that in your back pocket if she kicks off? You can come a help me chose, or I will chose it myself - either way you will be moving house and you will be changing schools.

DD does need to come on the school visit, yes. It's a private school (I've applied for financial assistance) and they need to meet her before offering a place. She was fine on the last visit we did but DM was away then.

Seriously, tell your mother to leave YOUR HOUSE. And, the level of violence you describe from your daughter, I'd call the police. Boundaries need making. I'm not suggesting you press charges, but a good talking to by a police officer can make a world of difference. You are doing so well! It must be horrible :(

Isn't it partly your mum's house too though? In which case you can't make her leave!
But an airbnb might be a good idea!

I did say last night that if DD lay a finger on me again, I would call the police. It felt so drastic. Don't think she took me seriously.
DM put down sizeable deposit on this house to enable me to buy it, which she will be getting back as a share of the sale proceeds (so more than she paid in to start with). Just me who officially owns house though.

YesSheCan, I really identify with this:

"Trying to be compassionate with DM - she is being like this because she is afraid of rejection and she has built her daily routine around my DD and this is going to change against her will. She can be a very kind person."

Sounds very similar to my mother, who tells everyone she can that she's spent her life caring for other people. But as I said to my brother recently - it's more than 'caring' - she doesn't understand where she 'ends' and other people 'begin'. If you disagree with her, it's taken as a massive rejection, and you go from being part of her to pure evil.

I say this because I think you should try to avoid letting the 'kindness' confuse your feelings and plans. It comes at a massive price, and whether your DD can see it now or not, you're moving away for your wellbeing and hers. I think you're incredibly brave.

YY WishIHadntLooked that is very much how it is. I absolutely have to go ahead with this move - I've been so unhappy for far too long and more recently the effects on DD are showing so the move is for her benefit as much as mine. Only wish I'd been strong enough to do this years ago.

FWIW I agree with @chickenloverwoman - if DD assaults you again, you must call the police. Everyone has the right not to be attacked physically, and DD has to learn that. I'm sure that would trigger DD and DM trying to play the victim, but you are unwell (and can document that), so you're hardly a danger to either of them.

It's so bloody depressing having to justify and document everything all the time though; DP has had to do this for 18 months so far and it's very wearing.

Trying to keep going. Will feel better when school place is sorted, just hope I can get it sorted in time for September. Am so very worn out and anxiety levels skyhigh. Gave in and took a small dose of valium today so could get on with some packing. Fell asleep and now feel horrid. Hate the stuff. At least caught up on couple of hours sleep though. So worried I'll have a massive fatigue crash and be good for nothing when I really really need to be strong and get things done.

Hi op
I've pm you

Thanks dizzy just replied

Keep strong. You are amazing.

Taking medication isn't failing. It's the opposite. It's winning-at-managing-your-life.
Don't beat yourself up about it.

You are doing so bloody well. You are near to the end of this horrible period of life and things are about to get a whole lot better.

I hope the school visit goes well and you get a moving date soon.

KOKO x

Thanks WittyName - I tell those I treat when working that taking meds is not a failure and I mean it! Antidepressants have really helped me over the years. But I really don't like the dopey effect valium has on me so reserve it for very rare occasions when I'm finding anxiety unmanageable. At least I had a nice nap though