to change DD's school & move away to have a life separate from DM?

[YesSheCan]

Namechange as too much personal info on previous thread, now deleted.

It is really trying my patience all the time but episodes like this are even harder. SeaEagleFeather, as a young child I thought DM and I were close but didn't realise in an unhealthy way. I was v bright, high achieving child, straight A student, DM gave lots of encouragement and praise. I was talented at art and she would buy me real quality painting and drawing kit even when I was only 9 or 10. She would tell all her friends how wonderful and gifted I was. As an older kid and teenager, I became more self-conscious. DM would be disappointed if sometimes I didn't get as good a grade as usual, and I would get terribly wound up if I wasn't happy with a piece of schoolwork. I was crap at textiles but rather than let me be crap at it, DM insisted on doing homework projects for me and then congratulating herself on getting an A! I was terrified of failure but also clever so found GCSEs fairly easy and did very well. I loved the arts and wanted to do fine art or classics but wasn't sure what career, all I knew was I wanted to do something creative and had a few ideas. DM told me I didn't have the right kind od personality to get ahead with an arts degree and would end up poor with a shit job or a teacher like her and DF. I didn't want to be a teacher. As a kid I thought my mum was right about everything because she had trained me to believe that and spoke very convincingly as though her opinions were fact. I was scared of going against her. Once, when I had chickenpox age 10 and had been quite poorly and off school with it, I missed the end of summer term and DF went into school to clear out my desk and bring my stuff home. I was rather messy and my desk had been a tip. It took DF a while to clear it and he came back home with a bin liner full of my stuff. DM immediately started going through my books and when she found some work which wasn't up to scratch and DF said what a mess my desk had been, she grabbed me by the shoulders and shook me til my teeth chattered and screamed in my face. But if I was doing well, which was most of the time, and I was generally well-behaved, she was fine. DF said he was leaving when I was 12 and younger DB was 10. He said he'd never wanted to be married or have a family and he was going. There was a big row and he walked out but he came back the next day and stayed for another 7 years! I was angry at him and had seen DM lying on the hall floor screaming and crying amd grabbing at his ankles as he struggled to leave. DM made me her confidante and told me everything about their relationship from the beginning, all about her previous relationships, her childhood, how hard it had been. I felt mature for being such a support to my mum. She told friends she didn't know what she'd do without me. In the meantime DB went off the rails and DM looked to me for support with this, phoning me in tears if I was staying at a friends because he hadn't come home. This carried on into uni, I was expected to call every day and would get an earful if I didn't. Friends told me she was hard work and I would defend her and feel guilty if I agreed or let on how hard I found her to deal with sometimes.
Blimey, gone on a bit, haven't I? That's thr background of our relationship anyway.

And yes, I've asked her to leave and she has refused. Me and DD going away before move is an option.

mintychoc it hasn't been deleted as PP says MNHQ said tell them which individual posts have the sensitive info in and they will just delete those but my anxiety was shocking last week and I haven't done it yet...will dig out the link

@mintychoc PMd you the link

Oh dear heavens yes. She's a neurotic and controlling bag isn't she? (and probably deeply painfully insecure). But her manipulations towards your daughter and you, whatever insecurity they are based in, are actively poisonous.

I suspect that with the distance of some years, you will see even more clearly than now how damaging her behaviour has been.

I too think the absolute sooner you get out, the better. Going away is fine. Just - be damned sure to move your essential info and your most precious things out to a friend's house first, seriously. Your mum might be trustworthy in -this- respect but it's astonishing how much of a nasty streak can emerge when a very wilful and actually rather ruthless person doesn't get their way. Your mum -is- ruthless; she might be covering it up as 'love' but she really is actively trying and succeeding in driving you and your daughter apart.

It's like you are talking about my mother. I really sympathise and admire how you are dealing with this situation op. You are so strong. Please know that you are definitely doing an awesome job. I know it's very traumatic when you recognise these behaviours in your own mother!

Could you please pm me the link for your op?

I followed your previous post OP and you are doing an amazing job with your DD right now, even if you don't think you are. You're getting so much better at handling such a toxic situation, because of the remark your DM made about your personality changing. She's clearly rattled by this new, stronger you, which is why she tried to undermine you with the appointment nonsense. So keep doing what you're doing, know that it's working and know that it won't be long before you and your daughter have escaped her nastiness.

I think you are amazing for the way you are handling this toxic situation Op. Your DM sounds like a damaged soul and I was pretty shocked to hear that she was a teacher, but I can relate to being trained to believe that your DM was right about everything, it is a way to control us & make us doubt ourselves when our views oppose theirs. Keep your eye on the prize.

Just wanted to add my voice to the people praising you for your strength in getting through this. I have a mother like yours, they are like vampires, weakening and poisoning you with every encounter. Your mother will continue all the gaslighting bullshit about how "unstable" you are till she runs out of breath but she couldn't even conceive of how strong you are.

You might like this: "Before you diagnose yourself with depression or low self-esteem, first make sure you are not, in fact, just surrounded by assholes." ~ W. Gibson.

Thanks all so much for the supportive messages. It really does help to keep hearing that I'm doing things right - when you have someone telling you every day that what you are doing is wrong and there's something wrong with you and you are unstable, and that person is the person who has had the most influence over you in your life - your mother - it is not long before you are doubting yourself and wondering if she is right, and giving in to her way again. If you let yourseld be isolated in the situation, that is. MN has been such an amazing source of strength for me. Thanks again, all of you

Can anyone else imagine a host of musnetters chanting "yes she can! Yes she can!" As @YesSheCan goes about daily life?

Standing in the kitchen, sorting out dinner:
"Yes she can! Yes she can!"

Facing her evil mother as she spouts off on another diatribe, OP staying cool as a cucumber: the Mumsnet crowd yelling "yes she can!" And waving the odd flag with a Mumsnet logo on it....

Standing in driveway arguing with both DM and DD: Mumsnet team doing cheerleading acrobatics and chanting: "go, go, YesYouCan, you can do it, yes you can!!" And waving pom-poms in Mumsnet colours.

Huzzah!

No-one else? Just me, then? Oh

Been lurking OP. Coming out to say you're doing great. Stay strong.

I'm definitely there

WittyName this is fabulous, I am going to play mental images of this during the next challenging situation x

YES SHE CAN
YES SHE CAN
YES SHE CAN
All the way op. You can

I am not alone! Yay! 

@YesSheCan YES YOU CAN!

Where did that biscuit come from?!!!

Yes you can op x

Yes you can! (and you are!)

Thanks so much everyone. And thanks for the jammy dodger, wittyname!

Yes you can!

Relatively ok early part of evening watching the football, even if result was disappointing. Bit of controlling behaviour from DM when I got up at half time to do the washing up really quickly and she followed me to kitchen, barged in front of the sink as I'd already started on it and said, no I'll do this, you go and sit down. I said I wanted to get it out of the way but no, DM insisted. So I thought fine, if you really want to do the washing up that bad, I'll leave it for you.

End of Eng-Cro match. DM switches over to Would I Lie To You about ten to 10 saying let's cheer ourselves up after that. I say to DD bed straight after this. Get a muttered ok. Program finishes. Right, come on, time for bed, I say (for me too). DD lies on sofa and groans, don't want to. I say it again and she come out to hall slow motion. DM: where is your schoolbag, DD? DD: oh I left it in mum's car Me: didn't you bring it in? (I was carrying the shopping in and hadn't notice she'd left bag in car) DM: your lunchbox is in there, it needs to come in....oh, I'll get it. DD: oh, and I've got some corrections to do on a test, it won't take long (FFS, I asked her about homework on the way home and said right, you'd better do that when we get in before the football starts). DM: Corrections? You mean you got something wrong? (Ugh, shut up) Me: It's too late to do that now, get up at 7 and you'll have time to do it in the morning. Now straight up to bed. DM: YesSheCan, what's wrong with you? Leave her alone. Just go to bed. She can get herself to bed. Me: But she is not getting herself to bed and it is already quarter past ten. DM: You're going to start a row if you carry on. Just go to bed. I can see to her. Me: (patience rapidly disappearing) I don't need your input. Go away. DM, coming and standing square on to me, physically coming between me and DD who is lolling on the window seat with her feet on the window pane: HOW DARE YOU SPEAK TO ME LIKE THAT? I'VE HAD ENOUGH OF YOU - right in my face. Me: I won't be shouted at like a naughty child in my own house. DM: IT'S MY HOUSE TOO. DD has started kicking me repeatedly. I ignore her. DM: I'm ashamed of you. Me: I really don't care. DD kicks me harder. I walk out and take her phone with me, hide it in my room and change the wifi password. DD demands it back. No,I say, you kicked me. If you hit or kick, your phone is taken off you. DD: it was your fault I kicked you...because you were being a dick. Etc etc DM wading in calling me delusional, telling me in front of DD that it's my fault this is happening because I 'started a row' (by telling DD to go to bed), so tired and stressed can't remember exact order of everything else, culminates in DD sitting inside my bedroom doorway refusing to leave and go to bed until she gets her phone back. Multiple refusals to do so later, I eventually haul her into the hall and shut my door then have to push against it with all my strength as she is trying to barge my door in to get back in. She's there for ages. I heard scratching on my door for ages, she has probably defaced it. I think she has gone back downstairs but I am too exhausted to deal with any more.

Oh dear. Lost my calm composure and told DM she is a toxic poisonous witch and I want her out. Her reply: it's very difficult to live with someone with mental illness. Me fuming: This is not depression, this is not anxiety, this is you! DM: but you said yourself you'd have to go away and be on your own for a few weeks if you came off your tablets Me: Yes but I am still taking them! DM: well they're not working are they?
Fuck am so angry with myself. Have allowed myself to be triggered. DD slapped my arm as I walked past her with a glass of water to make me spill it, twice so I lost my rag and flicked the last bit of water in the glass at her. Not proud of this. I'm so angry...I've had enough. Then DD came upstairs and threw a whole mug of water over me. Drenched my top and went all up the wall. What a fucking shambles.

Please don't beat yourself up for losing it, you are doing an amazing job and will continue to do well. Things will be so much better when you haven't got your mother undermining you at every turn. You've just had a slip. You are so much stronger and you can do this (yes she can!)

I'm sorry but you HAVE to woman up and get your mum out of your house. Tomorrow. Call the police, warn them what she is like and what's going on and that you fear she will kick off. Put her stuff outside in bags and get the locks changed!
And, you did tell DD you would call the police if she was violent, again. You need to follow through on what you say.
Huge hugs. I really do sympathise with your situation.

Chickenlover I am lying awake considering packing up DMs stuff and changing locks. But I can only do that when she goes out. Tomorrow I should be working. Friday I could do it. I want her out of here asap as I really fear that as long as she is in our home, DD won't move with me as she is so manipulated by DM that she has told me I am the one causing the bad situations, I am a bad mother and she does not want to live with me. She is also behaving appallingly. I can't let it go on.