to change DD's school & move away to have a life separate from DM?

[YesSheCan]

Namechange as too much personal info on previous thread, now deleted.

Glad I came back to this thread. Well done OP! Your recent posts are so different from when you started this thread. You sound so much more confident and assertive now and I hope all goes well for you and your DD.

Hey Salem, I understand what you are saying. Unfortunately, it was not a case of 'all you had to do was evict your mum'. I had to call the police to remove my mum from the house. The place she was renting was literally two minutes down the road and even though she had got that place inti a state which meant she couldn't move in straight away, she was staying with friends of hers nearby. If we had stayed locally, she would have continued to turn up to take DD to activities/school, harass us by turning up at our new house (and even if I hadn't given her the address she would have found out from various contacts) and generally continued to make things very difficult. I tried at the time to find a property which was both far enough away from my mum and near enough for DD to stay at her old school. There was nothing suitable on the market available at the time, really nothing. I have totally lucked out now finding this property in a town which is near enough to DD's old school (still a trek but do-able) but far enough away that my mother won't bother us or bump into us. If this property had not shown up, I would be having to make the best of staying in this area and struggling with DD's behaviour but I wouldn't have any other choice. My mother still not understand that the way she has behaved has been so damaging, so putting as much geographical distance between us as I can seems to be the only solution.

Also, me and DD could not continue to stay in the house I owned before - I took it on when I was working full time. I was then ill with a CFS relapse then chronic anixety and could only manage to work part time. I had to sell my house to downsize because the mortgage was too much. Evicting my mum would not magically cure my anxiety and enavle me to start working full time straight away, and I also still have CFS/postural tachycardia issues which mean part time work is the main way I manage to avoid further crashes, especially with all this other stress going on.

I really feel for you. I have no words of wisdom, just sympathy for an impossible situation. Usually Mumsnet manages to come up with a solution through pooling of knowledge but in your case we don't seem to be able to.

It sounds so hard and exhausting when all you want to do is support your daughter to be happy and have a good and nice life.

I fear the return to her old school won't be as trouble-free and lovely as she seems to think but I'm sure you'll be prepared for that.

All this moving house is also exhausting, stressful and very expensive. Poor you. I'm sorry I haven't a brilliant solution for you

Thank you Arken. I know things will improve eventually. It is just very hard at the moment. I am really struggling today, feeling overwhelmed by yet another move to sort out and in a bad situation financially and currently too unwell to work. DD will be happier back at her old school but we still have a lot of issues to address; I need to get her some counselling, try a different parenting approach and maybe get her an assessment for ?ASD. So I know things aren't going to improve quickly.
The support on here has been so great, for the most part...comments like Salem's however not the most helpful when all I've done is try to manage the best I can in the circumstances. Of course I wouldn't have taken DD away from her old school in the first place if I could have found somewhere near enough and somewhere where my mother could not have continued to exert her influence over DD and manipulate her - even in the few weeks with my mother no longer at our house before moving date, I was having to tell her not to come round, avoiding phone calls from her, driving to the shops and seeing her car there so having to drive on and go elsewhere, worrying that DD would give in to my mother's persuasion to go and live with her....continuing to live like that was not an option.

I totally get where you are. Trying to avoid a toxic person is very hard work, and when DP and I go to his "home" area we have to actively avoid places where we could run into his ex. She is unpredictable and disordered, and if she saw one of us alone in the street, she would probably physically attack us, or start screaming the place down and accuse us of stalking her.

We have had to devise a sort of safety strategy to ensure that neither of us are alone, and if he ever goes to their old house (which is still up for sale because of her shenanigans), there has to be at least one other person with him as he's been advised by the police and his solicitor never to be there alone because of an incident at the beginning of this year. I know this sounds extreme, but her behaviour has been so bad and very similar to your mother's.

You can only do what you can do. Feel free to DM me if you ever need an offline rant xx

Thanks blueangel. Your DP's ex sounds more overtly toxic than my mother, who more or less behaves herself out in public and saves all the worst acting out for indoors. Sounds very stressful.

I am Getting Stuff Done for yet another move. Got DD's start back at her old school sorted, somewhere for us to stay until house sale goes through, release from tenancy agreement on the house I was going to buy (losing a month's rent and deposit. Oh well :( ), having a clear out to minimise the amount of stuff I need to move, sorting all the utilities contracts here, planning garden and house clean for moving out day, getting copies of CAMHS early help communications to take with us, first Parenting Clinic appointment this Friday...trying to keep on top of it all and not get overwhelmed. Spent yesterday morning crying but felt better afterwards. Think I needed to get it all out.

Hi YesSheCan
How are things? Feeling any better ? Any joy with your move back to your old area? Did you feel you benfited from the Parenting Clinic?
Keep thinking about you. Its so tough.

Hi Daisy, thanks. Me and DD are ok. We have moved and stopping with relatives temporarily. I had offer accepted on house near enough for DD to go back to her old school. If I was a friend advising me, I'd probably have told me off for giving into her oppositional behaviour. But I am so so tired and have got really run down. At the end of the day I need to be well enough to work and DD needs to go to school. Hopefully this house purchase won't take too long to go through. I'm knackered and thoroughly sick of moving. The parenting clinic appointment was ok. Plus I talked to relatives who are MH nurses and they say DD does not have any condition, it is all behavioural and due to my mother's influence. DP tends to agree. He's somewhat disappointed I'm moving further away again. Hopefully he'll stick with me as he is lovely and I don't want to lose him. Anyway, onwards and upwards...

Hope all's going well for you @YesSheCan - have the best Christmas that you can and fingers crossed that your DD improves on going back to her old school.

Ah thanks @blueangel1 - DD bwen back in school for last few days of term, seems very happy. Her teachers said they were glad to have her back and apparently her classmates cheered when the form teacher told them she was returning. Am worn out again after another move to another temporary address but am ok. It was my mum's birthday a few weeks ago and I typed out a happy birthday text but did not send it. It's the first time I haven't acknowledged her birthday and I felt guilty and anxious. Now feeling a little similar about Christmas but I can't cope with any drama and don't want it spoiled for DD. DP is coming over and we're going to have a quiet one. Happy Christmas to you too and to everyone who has supported me on MN x

Keep on keeping on, you're doing so well under ridiculously difficult circumstances. May your Christmas be peaceful, calm and happy

I so hope 2019 is better for you both.

Cfs is a nightmare at the best of times, you are doing so well considering everything.

We are finally moving into our own new place thia weekend! I have not worked for almost three months, have had to borrow money from relative and am in terrible financial situation. Struggling to find work as doctor due to having limited availability because of taking DD to and from school (no bus/train or carshare available). But at least we're free of the toxic environment we used to live in.

Still not sure whether to push for ASD assessment for DD. MH nurse relatives say 'there's nothing wrong with her, it's all behavioural because of your mum'. But I still have concerns. She is showering and washing hair by herself now, thank God and is not being violent but I suspect would have been if I'd physically taken phone/computer off her like I used to do before I got exhausted (I've had too many other things to sort out to deal with that as well) DD has spent entire Christmas holidays on her backside on computer playing games, shouts when I tell her to come off, I can't restrict wifi because we're house sitting at a friend's, who used to turn off the router to stop her DD going online but stopped doing it as she thinks it messes up the settings and asked me not to turn it off while she was away. I've tried to encourage DD to do other things - suggested she email her friends who live really nearby to meet up, have said I'll take them into town; she refused to come out for walk with me and DP on New Years Day, refuses to come grocery shopping and help me with the carrying. If I'm hurt she shows no concern whatsoever (I have long history of back pain which is not so bad at the moment and I'm used to it so really don't go on about it, but occasionally I'll get up or move in a certain way and something will crack or pull very painfully and I'll go, 'Agh!' in pain. DD will just go 'haa-ha!' like that annoying kid on the Simpsons. Even when burning log fell out of woodburner narrowly missing me - 'haa-ha!' Not, 'are you ok, mum?' like I've heard other kids say. And my mum for all her faults would make a big fuss over illness and tell me to get my back sorted and 'mummy's in pain, mummy can't do this' etc etc (hell, maybe that's why DD doesn't care) so she hasn't learned lack of voicing concern from her. Before Christmas some relatives of the friend we're staying with came over. Their 6yo with LD who had never met me before saw me get scratched by the cat, came straight over to me, put their hand on my arm and said, 'aw, are you ok?' DD has never expressed concern like that in her life. And although she is super bright, she makes zero effort on work she has no interest in and does not see why she should do it, which I know is not uncommon but it just seems to be more of the same whole attitude. I make sure to praise her for doing things that aren't related to academic achievement to let her know that other things are as important. Would anyone who knows more about ASD than me recommend pushing for an assessment or is this normal adolescent behaviour?

I was wondering how you were doing. Glad to hear you're moving permanently soon, good luck with that. I'm afraid I don't have any experience of ASD, but I think in your shoes I'd have her assessed anyway, as at least it will answer the question. Does she behave like that with other people?

Hi, I’ve read your thread occasionally but not posted. I’m chiming in now to say an ASD assessment might well be useful.

With all due respect to your relatives, ASD can be very tricky to diagnose, especially in girls, and those issues you mention could well be indicators. Not necessarily- I’m not going to pretend anyone can tell at two removes over the internet! - but worth checking out if possible.

FWIW, I think it’s a good idea to look at advice for parenting ASD (even ODD) terms and follow it even without a diagnosis, as it often works well for children who are struggling for other reasons.

Additionally it’s worth remembering that ASD is a developmental disorder and if your DD is autistic, her emotional maturity will lag her age by a couple of years.

It sounds like you’re keeping going in incredibly difficult circumstances - I think you’re amazing just for surviving. May 2019 be the year when things finally get easier.

Your DD sounds very similar to all the other girls I know of her age that have ASD so I would pursue it.

I have to say that in my experience as the mother of a girl with ASD - the lack of empathy shown by your DD is nothing like ASD in my experience!

I think she sounds very depressed with probably other mental health issues. Other behaviour in the past has sounded like ASD. But she can both have ASD and other MH issues or have other MH issues with some characteristics that overlap with ASD.

Is she back at school? Is she back at Orchestra?

Yes, Beka, she's back at school, has restarted violin lessons and is returning to orchestra this week. I understand that people with ASD don't lack empathy but have difficulty reading emotional cues and possibly showing empathy. I've considered depression as well except for the improvements in mood when she gets everything her way. I've had a look at Plan B therapeutic parenting which someone on here recommended and really need to practice the techniques involved as I think they'll help. Already trying to say 'I've noticed you have difficulty getting to bed at night' instead of yelling, 'get to bed NOW' for the hundredth time at 23:30 but it's so easy to lapse into the default!

Therapeutic parenting is a great idea.
I'd probably keep a record for myself to measure improvements and when she does things better. She's had a lot of change recently.
But going to school and getting back to her instrument are great! That is something really positive, and with getting into a more stable home hopefully things will improve. Will she be able to get herself to and from school from the new home?

With depression with my own DC, we've had times they were reluctant to leave the house - and if we did prefered going to a strange town or using back routes into town to "avoid being seen".
Don't beat yourself up. Just do the best you can, try to keep records so you can remember that she was out of her room for x hours, that s=you have y conversations, and on Z day she was caring. Try to notice and recognise the good behaviour.

But if you do suspect ASD - do read up about it (Curly Hair Girl, Tony Attwood etc.) and do pursue trying to get a diagnosis (it can take a long time).

How are you getting on OP? I hope you and daughter are well x