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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want my parents not to go abroad near my due date

198 replies

vetmam · 25/06/2018 23:16

My younger sister and I don't get on and never have, a problem which has been exacerbated over the years by our mum's massive favouritism towards her. Dad does love me and we have lots in common, but isn't much support from my POV as always backs up my mum 100%. My sister has massive jealousy issues generally, always thinks the world owes her something, and is at her very nastiest when she thinks I've got something she hasn't.

I am pregnant with my first baby and my parents' first grandchild. Sister has been pretty horrible throughout and even my mum admitted that she was 'struggling' with the fact that I am pregnant (to my SIL, she'd never admit to me that my sister is jealous of me!)

Last week we heard that my sister is paying to take my parents and her dog away on holiday to France. Invited my youngest brother but obviously not me/DH and not our other brother&SIL either. Not bothered about that tbh as wouldn't have gone but later found out from my SIL that they are leaving 5 days after my due date.

I am really upset that my parents have agreed to this. I know lots of women who've gone overdue by a week or so with their first baby - if that happens to me, there's a very good chance they will miss seeing their grandchild as a newborn. If anything goes wrong, even if baby arrives on the dd, we could be stuck in hospital for a while. We have pets and will need family support in that situation (DH's family will DEFINITELY help us, but live minimum 90 mins away and also have pets to organise whereas my parents are very local and it's just them and my 20yo youngest brother).

I'm not that surprised at my sister's choice of timing here but really hurt and disappointed with my parents. They normally pander to her and never say no but shouldn't they have done this time? I obviously don't begrudge them a holiday but they are going away by themselves for 2 weeks next month so they will have had one this summer. Am I wrong/selfish/entitled to expect them to be around for me near my dd?

OP posts:
HarrietKettleWasHere · 25/06/2018 23:19

I think you're being precious, sorry OP.... also, newborn babies are newborn for more than a week!

Your pets are not their responsibility either. I'm sure they'll be overjoyed to meet the baby when they're back.

loopylass13 · 25/06/2018 23:26

All my siblings started a two week holiday abroad on my due date - felt very grrr.

ThenCameTheFools · 25/06/2018 23:26

You sound about 12.

I had a baby in a different country to my parents. They waited a whole month to come and see her. Note, come and see her, not 'come and help me'. I must've missed the memo where I should have had a screaming jealous tantrum.

You're having a baby. You're probably not going to be confined to a hospital bed for 6mths.

Are you always so dramatic?

Snowysky20009 · 25/06/2018 23:27

Your parents are aware babies can go over due, yet they've chosen to go away. Therefore it obviously doesn't bother them about seeing the baby straight away.

If it happens send them plenty of pictures of babe in your in-laws arms (but I'm childish like that!)

But for what it's worth, in your place I would be upset too.

LastOneDancing · 25/06/2018 23:27

Hm. I see where your coming from, although I'd be more hurt that my parents weren't super excited to meet their first grandchild asap, than annoyed at them for not helping feed the pets.

Our parents were absolutely bursting to see DS1. Less so with DS2 Hmm

HarrietKettleWasHere · 25/06/2018 23:28

It honestly wouldn't even be on my radar to factor in sibling holidays into my baby's due date Confused how odd.

ElspethFlashman · 25/06/2018 23:30

Sorry but YABU I'm afraid. There's no statute of limitations on seeing a grandchild, a week later is fine believe it or not.

It sounds like you mainly want them for petsitters anyway. I'm not sure why, can't your partner take care of the pets?

halcyondays · 25/06/2018 23:30

yanbu. You'd think most grandparents would want to see their first grandchild as soon as possible.

anyideasonthis · 25/06/2018 23:34

I think previous posters are being harsh, I can see how this is hurtful. I think encourage the in laws to get involved and let them help you lots. That might make your mum sit up and reconsider!! But also, be prepared for there to be lots more opportunities for your sister to act like this once baby comes. You may need to sit her down for a chat!

Littlelambpeep · 25/06/2018 23:37

I think you sister is doing this deliberately but I would be the better person. Ignore them if they are not going to be around to support you.

SharronNeedles · 25/06/2018 23:37

I think you're being a big precious too tbh. Sorry

Original poster
vetmam · 25/06/2018 23:38

By 'a while' I meant a few days, not 6 months! No tantrums had, haven't even mentioned it to them, but been pondering it all day hence the post here...

I'm not jealous of them going away at all, more hurt that they don't want to be around when they so easily could be as they live 5 mins from the hospital. We generally ask extremely little from them, in fact never even asked them in 4 years to mind our dog/feed our cat, but would appreciate family support at a time when I may be vulnerable/fragile. (I have had serious depression in the past and worried I could get PND though equally know I could be completely fine.) Didn't add that my husband recently lost a good percentage of his vision and can't drive so might be relying on lifts e.g. if I had a c-section.

OP posts:
Nanny0gg · 25/06/2018 23:41

Oh here we go again.

God forbid the OP should be hurt that her parents are prioritising her sibling again when it is such an important time.

Just because some people can give birth alone in the street, pick the baby up and go straight back to work as CEO of a multi-national, doesn't mean the rest of us don't want our parents to care and be some support at such an important time.

I'm sorry OP, I think you're on a hiding to nothing with your mum unless meeting your baby makes her realise what she could lose if she continues pandering to your sister.

It's very hurtful but for some reason your sister has all the power here.

Notsurprisedatall · 25/06/2018 23:41

Plenty of people go home in a taxi, Yabu

Star81 · 25/06/2018 23:44

If I were you I would feel upset at my parents not wanting to be around at a time where I may need their support.

Maybe you should try to expect nothing from them and then the disappointment will be less ? Going forward if your sister has this much jealousy and you Mum panders to it currently it may well get worse after the baby arrives.

Aquamarine1029 · 25/06/2018 23:45

I understand why you are upset, but for the sake of your own sanity and happiness you need to accept that you can't control what other people do or how they behave. Let this go and concentrate on your new baby's arrival, which will happen with or without them.

ferntwist · 25/06/2018 23:45

I don’t think you’re being unreasonable at all. Your parents should not have accepted this holiday.

Original poster
vetmam · 25/06/2018 23:45

He can't drive at the moment due to sight problems, of course he can look after them and by and large would do, but having that safety net of someone who could pop in would be so helpful. We've never asked them for help with the pets before btw. The pets aren't the reason I feel let down either, just what people are picking on most about my post!

OP posts:
Original poster
vetmam · 25/06/2018 23:46

I am - I feel the pets thing has been emphasised way too much, maybe have phrased it badly!

OP posts:
IwillrunIwillfly · 25/06/2018 23:48

I totally understand why you'd feel hurt, just because you don't need to have your parents there at such an important time doesnt mean you cant want them there. I also don't think there's anything wrong with asking your parents to help when you've had a baby. Yanbu!

daffodil10 · 25/06/2018 23:52

YABU did you expect them to
Just put everything on hold until you pop! Blimey there's no way I would have expected my parents to put there lives On hold for the fortnight I was overdue. As it was they didn't drive the 200 mile journey for a month afterwards. My husband only arrived for the last hour of the 12 hour birth, stayed 2 hours then went back to work. You need to stand on your own two feet

Fwend · 25/06/2018 23:53

I get it. It sucks to have that sibling/parent dynamic. You can't change it though, and from experience it doesn't get any better or easier when you have children.

Steel yourself, OP - if this is your sister's way of doing things, she'll have plenty more opportunities to try and hurt you once children are in the mix.

You can only change your own reaction to things, and I wrote as someone with a month old baby whose mother hadn't yet visited as she's been "too busy" looking after my sisters dog. Solidarity punch on the arm to you.

MagicNumberyThings · 26/06/2018 00:02

Anybody want to bring up all the teams of threads where the mum to be wants to keep people away for a few weeks (including mother and mil) after the birth so they have time to Bond as a family)? Well this takes the biscuit. Grannies cannot win, whatever course of action they take

Original poster
vetmam · 26/06/2018 00:04

No daffodil, didn't expect them to put their lives on hold - just not to go abroad for what is a blatant ploy by my sibling to take them away from us when we might really need them. We are very much independent of them otherwise and obviously may not need them at all but it would have been nice, and what I thought they would want, for us to have their support.

OP posts:
Original poster
vetmam · 26/06/2018 00:05

Oh fwend. You get it. Thanks mate and the same to you.

OP posts:
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