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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want my parents not to go abroad near my due date

198 replies

vetmam · 25/06/2018 23:16

My younger sister and I don't get on and never have, a problem which has been exacerbated over the years by our mum's massive favouritism towards her. Dad does love me and we have lots in common, but isn't much support from my POV as always backs up my mum 100%. My sister has massive jealousy issues generally, always thinks the world owes her something, and is at her very nastiest when she thinks I've got something she hasn't.

I am pregnant with my first baby and my parents' first grandchild. Sister has been pretty horrible throughout and even my mum admitted that she was 'struggling' with the fact that I am pregnant (to my SIL, she'd never admit to me that my sister is jealous of me!)

Last week we heard that my sister is paying to take my parents and her dog away on holiday to France. Invited my youngest brother but obviously not me/DH and not our other brother&SIL either. Not bothered about that tbh as wouldn't have gone but later found out from my SIL that they are leaving 5 days after my due date.

I am really upset that my parents have agreed to this. I know lots of women who've gone overdue by a week or so with their first baby - if that happens to me, there's a very good chance they will miss seeing their grandchild as a newborn. If anything goes wrong, even if baby arrives on the dd, we could be stuck in hospital for a while. We have pets and will need family support in that situation (DH's family will DEFINITELY help us, but live minimum 90 mins away and also have pets to organise whereas my parents are very local and it's just them and my 20yo youngest brother).

I'm not that surprised at my sister's choice of timing here but really hurt and disappointed with my parents. They normally pander to her and never say no but shouldn't they have done this time? I obviously don't begrudge them a holiday but they are going away by themselves for 2 weeks next month so they will have had one this summer. Am I wrong/selfish/entitled to expect them to be around for me near my dd?

OP posts:
Emma198 · 26/06/2018 12:17

"Your sister's won this one!" I think this goes beyond who 'wins'.

MagicNumberyThings · 26/06/2018 12:33

I think the OP is getting a hard time because the first thing she mentions regarding needing her parents is to look after the pets. If I was her mother reading that I'd be hurt. It cuts both ways.

LagunaBubbles · 26/06/2018 12:45

My husband only arrived for the last hour of the 12 hour birth, stayed 2 hours then went back to work. You need to stand on your own two feet

Serioulsy Daffodil? And you think thats something to be proud of "standing on your own 2 feet"? Any man who goes back to work after his partner has just given birth to their child is a complete and utter dick.

MagicNumberyThings · 26/06/2018 13:17

Maybe OP has already told her Mum she'll may be required to look after pets when baby arrives, and it's got up her nose. It's equally as likely as anything else I've read here

daffodil10 · 26/06/2018 13:33

Laguna. That's obviously your opinion and that's fine. Everyone is different and you may even find some women who prefer not to have their husband present at all - so those husbands must be ducks too. My husband went back to work with my blessing he didn't abandon me! Not entirely sure what he would have been able to do had he hung around as all I and baby did after the birth was sleep

SaltyLemons · 26/06/2018 13:39

YANBU, your sister is a bitch and your parents are prioritising her feelings above yours because it's easier for them to do so. I have been in almost exactly the same situation and feel really sorry for you. Try not to let it colour your whole pregnancy. Shut yourself off from it and focus on your own family: your partner and the baby. It's their loss

Myheartbelongsto · 26/06/2018 13:48

You sound quite childish sorry op.

diddl · 26/06/2018 13:48

"your parents are prioritising her feelings above yours because it's easier for them to do so. "

I think that that is probably the case.

However they might also be thinking that chances are they will see baby before they go or that he/she will only be tiny still when they get back so it doesn't really matter in the long run?

MrsSnootyPants2018 · 26/06/2018 13:56

You're being silly. Your parents could have said no but they didn't. They can see your baby before they go or when they get back. It's not the end of the world.

Parenting is full of rubbish like this with families, leave and move on. There will be bigger battles to fight.

diddl · 26/06/2018 14:01

Op, do they seem at all interested/excited about becoing GPs?

Gitfeatures · 26/06/2018 14:14

YANBU.
Is your sister single? She sees you with a husband and a baby on the way. She has your mother and is now terrified that the dynamic is going to change with your baby on the scene. She seems to see your mothers care/attention as a limited resource and any of it directed your way will result in less being available to her.

She's a brat, but a jealous and scared one.

What has been the result when your parents have said (or tried?) 'no' to her requests/demands?

UmmMeToo · 26/06/2018 14:34

I would be hurt if my parents did that, not because I would want help from them, just because it seems like a deliberate and horrible thing to do. Why wouldn't they want to see their grandchild straight away. They are basically showing you that your sister means more to them. I understand exactly where you are coming from. Plus your sister sounds toxic.

BarbarianMum · 26/06/2018 14:38
LeighaJ · 26/06/2018 14:43

vetmam

I have an awful 'c word' of a sister too, who I don't think is capable of being anything but a manipulative, jealous, bitter, bitch. She also is at her worst when I have something or someone she doesn't have, especially if I'm happy and she's not.

So I completely understand why you're pissed off and I think if your parents miss seeing their first grandchild shortly after birth they will regret it, but it's their own fault for not seeing your sister for what she is.

If they aren't bothered about not seeing your child after delivery then I wouldn't even send them any pics or tell them when your baby has been born. If they cared they'd make themselves available.

Deandre · 26/06/2018 14:44

@dafodil your family and husband sound terrible!!!!

Hillarious · 26/06/2018 14:46

Note to all here - don't allow your children not to get on with their siblings, just don't put up with it. I'm always amazed when I hear parents say their children don't get on, or always fight, or hate each other, like it's some kind of achievement.

daffodil10 · 26/06/2018 15:01

I suppose many would say my mother was awful for not rushing to be at my side but I honestly wasn't bothered. She floated in at some point and floated out. She may have bought a present, I didn't expect any practical help so wasn't disappointed when there was none.

My husband isnt terrible just hard working, we are both fairly sensible and he needed to be at home much much more than i needed him sitting in a chair by my bedside.

You've got to row your own boat!

HarrietKettleWasHere · 26/06/2018 15:23

Hillarious how exactly do you enforce that? Genuine question.

mummmy2017 · 26/06/2018 15:32

Your sister may be very upset about the new arrival, and I bet she knows a baby will change the family dinamicks and maybe she wants some time with her mum, before the baby takes over...
Your attitude could be the reason your sister is like she is, and your mum over compensates.

diddl · 26/06/2018 15:45

I do remember feeling quite ousted when my sister moved back into our parents to have her baby.

I was still living at home but I really felt as if I might as well have not as been there.

It hurt at the time, but looking back mum & dad obviously wanted to make as much as possible of my sister & then their GC being there.

When you say that you have never got on, do you think that your sister has been or seemed to be more bothered by this & that's why your mum favours her?

Idk, I don't get on with my sister & I know that my parent finds this upsetting.

I'm sure he doesn't favour either of us but ridiculously when I visit & he asks about her-have we spoken, do I know when she is visiting I just want to scream "can we just concentrate on me being here!"

Hillarious · 26/06/2018 16:04

Harriet - it's all about nurturing mutual respect, sharing, taking interest and delight in what their siblings do, parents not showing favouritism, but still giving one to one time when it's needed and the others understanding they're not being left out of missing out on something. If they're spiteful with each other, just don't put up with it. Don't allow egos to become inflated, regardless of how good they are at sport or academically or whatever. Build up resilience - gentle ribbing within the family is our approach here. It doesn't happen over night, but builds up over the years. I really like how much my three children enjoy each other's company now they're late teens/early twenties.

thornyhousewife · 26/06/2018 16:26

OP, use this as a catalyst to start detaching from your parents and sister. They've made their priorities clear - it hurts but your lovely newborn will make your priorities easy.

Good luck Smile

mirime · 26/06/2018 16:26

My parents were around loads when I had DS and it was great as I wasn't well and then DS lost a lot of weight so we ended up being in hospital for two weeks and I was still unwell when I came home.

I really appreciated the extra support (@specialsubject and they helped with our pets as well, why would we rehome our cats because things were a bit difficult for a couple of weeks? Confused)

YANBU.

HarrietKettleWasHere · 26/06/2018 16:42

Hillarious thank you. Unfortunately my parents were pretty rubbish at facilitating good relations between me and my siblings, favouritism, generally being quite unfair and unequal with us to be honest. For example my Dad loves football so always paid for a season tickets for me brothers (still does into their 20's) and spent lots of times going to games etc. It caused resentment. My mum thinks the sun shines out of my middle brother's arse and barely gives me the time of day. But good to have a few pointers when it comes to raising my own. I constantly scrapped with one brother when we were younger, we never got on.

Barmypastrami · 26/06/2018 17:35

It amazes me that some people lack any imagination. Just because you might be happy to not have your mother around, doesn’t mean that feeling is universal. I don’t know anyone who didn’t want any family round to see their baby, so I don’t think that’s universal either.

The point is that OP’s parents didn’t ask her whether she wanted them around. They just booked the holiday because the (scheming) sister arranged it. Why should her feelings be prioritised over those of OP.

I’m sorry OP that this hurt you so much. But I do think that the people who suggested going lower contact are onto something. Personally I think this dynamic is unlikely to change. Once a favourite, always a favourite. It’s a shame your father is so weak that he enables this.

You will find yourself so busy and caught up with your new family unit and the new friends you make, that your parents will be less important. And it serves them right.