Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want my parents not to go abroad near my due date

198 replies

vetmam · 25/06/2018 23:16

My younger sister and I don't get on and never have, a problem which has been exacerbated over the years by our mum's massive favouritism towards her. Dad does love me and we have lots in common, but isn't much support from my POV as always backs up my mum 100%. My sister has massive jealousy issues generally, always thinks the world owes her something, and is at her very nastiest when she thinks I've got something she hasn't.

I am pregnant with my first baby and my parents' first grandchild. Sister has been pretty horrible throughout and even my mum admitted that she was 'struggling' with the fact that I am pregnant (to my SIL, she'd never admit to me that my sister is jealous of me!)

Last week we heard that my sister is paying to take my parents and her dog away on holiday to France. Invited my youngest brother but obviously not me/DH and not our other brother&SIL either. Not bothered about that tbh as wouldn't have gone but later found out from my SIL that they are leaving 5 days after my due date.

I am really upset that my parents have agreed to this. I know lots of women who've gone overdue by a week or so with their first baby - if that happens to me, there's a very good chance they will miss seeing their grandchild as a newborn. If anything goes wrong, even if baby arrives on the dd, we could be stuck in hospital for a while. We have pets and will need family support in that situation (DH's family will DEFINITELY help us, but live minimum 90 mins away and also have pets to organise whereas my parents are very local and it's just them and my 20yo youngest brother).

I'm not that surprised at my sister's choice of timing here but really hurt and disappointed with my parents. They normally pander to her and never say no but shouldn't they have done this time? I obviously don't begrudge them a holiday but they are going away by themselves for 2 weeks next month so they will have had one this summer. Am I wrong/selfish/entitled to expect them to be around for me near my dd?

OP posts:
MagicNumberyThings · 26/06/2018 00:06

I meant reams of posts, not teams.

ZenNudist · 26/06/2018 00:09

Id let it go. Personally id happily have lept my (reasonably ok) family on both sides away whilst dh and i bonded with our baby.

You will be too busy to give them much thought in the 1-2 weeks they will be away.
Plus look on thr bright side. Your sister will get to hear the news off your parents and it will spoil her holiday. The cow.

Newborns dont do much and its really up to your parents if they want to see baby the minute they come into the world.

KimberlyS2 · 26/06/2018 00:14

You mention your SIL and brother, are they not close by either to help?

All families are different. My mum is very involved and wouldn’t of even thought about going anywhere near my due date but my kids other grandmother isn’t. My child is 4 weeks and she still hasn’t met them and when their father took my first child to meet his parents, grandmother didn’t want to hold them (just leave them in the car seat is what was actually said).

LorelaiVictoriaGilmore · 26/06/2018 00:15

YANBU. My parents cancelled a Caribbean holiday when it became clear that I might not have a straightforward birth with dc2. And thank goodness they did as without their help I don't know what we'd have done! You never know how these things are going to go and I'm so grateful that my parents were there for me.

Cornishclio · 26/06/2018 00:15

I certainly would not have scheduled a holiday around the time my DD gave birth to her 2 DC. They appreciated the support both after the birth and before in the case of their second DD so we could help out with looking after their DD1. I can understand why you would be hurt.

It is a shame that your sister has done this but they did not have to accept. Would your inlaws be happy to come and stay nearby for a week or so to give you some support ? Your parents will still see your baby as a newborn if they are just going for a few days or less than a week. Be prepared for this to be an ongoing issue though if your sister gets that jealous of you and your mum always backs her up. I think for your sanity I would shrug and say it will be their loss and line up your inlaws to help.

Original poster
vetmam · 26/06/2018 00:16

Magicnumberythings, my parents/siblings and in-laws ARE family. They will have a bond with my kid too. Would never want to keep them away. All of them bar my sister are extremely excited to have their first niece/nephew so I'm looking forward to introducing the baby to them.

OP posts:
Sciurus83 · 26/06/2018 00:21

I don't think you are unreasonable at all. You can't expect people to do anything but when they do it shows that they care and that matters.

I am in the same situation as you, expecting in a few months. I have discovered unbeknownst to me that my parents cancelled their plans for an overseas trip and my mum has only booked social events in the month after my due date on finding out my husband is going to take extended paternity. She had been keeping the weeks she thought I would be alone free just in case. I am very independent from my family, I would never ask this or expect it of them but it's nice that it never occurred to them not to. I completely understand why you are hurt.

timeisnotaline · 26/06/2018 00:21

Oh here we go. Not only should the op not care if her parents are on holiday instead of 5 mins away but she shouldn’t even care if her dh can’t make it. Never mind the grand majority of women would care deeply, and very much want the support, daffodil dropped a baby out solo on a mountainside so the op should too.

Pebblespony · 26/06/2018 00:29

I'd be exceptionally surprised if my parents did this. They live 2 hrs away but were very helpful and supportive when we had our baby. Seems natural that they would be concerned and excited.

5SleepingLions · 26/06/2018 00:33

I don't think yabu op i would be very hurt if my parents had done that to me when i was going to have my first Dc.

MagicNumberyThings · 26/06/2018 00:35

Neither my parents or my in-laws met my babies till they were 3 or 4 months old. We live 200 miles away from both families and travelling was difficult for all. My opinion is probably invalid.

Hisnamesblaine · 26/06/2018 00:41

I'm with u OP. Your sister is playing game and winning. I can't believe your due date didn't come up in conversation when your sister announced the holiday. At they still in work? Annual leave etc would have been discussed along with commitments etc. Surely impending birth would have cropped up in conversation?

Tootypie · 26/06/2018 00:42

You could go three weeks over. Though that is not the point.

Yanbu to be hurt, given the history between DSIS it seems spiteful. If it was my first grandchild I could not go near the due date.

MagicNumberyThings · 26/06/2018 00:47

I do think, however, that the young generation nowadays rely more heavily on their parents than my generation ever needed to. Standing on your own two feet was what marked the shift from child to adult

Butterflyrosebud · 26/06/2018 00:52

I can see why this upsets you, I think most would be. It’s okay to expect more from people and want the support of your family. Some posters on here seem to have some seriously low expectations... if there’s a time to be ‘selfish’ it’s when you’ve just had a baby.

I have a similar situation with my Mum (posted in relationships about it and got a lovely response from everyone) . Basically I’ve accepted it and will make the most of the support I do have.

I think if the baby comes and they’re not around your parents will probably regret it and that’s on them.

Good luck Grin

Battleax · 26/06/2018 00:53

You can’t fix a dysfunctional family dynamic. All you can do is step back.

Maybe moving closer to your ILs would be an idea once the birth itself is underway?

Meanwhile, you and your DH are two adults and will manage fine on your own with maybe the odd taxi and shopping delivery.

Kismett · 26/06/2018 01:02

I feel like you're placing the blame for this on your sister and it's time to take a look at your relationship with your parents. They chose to do this, they weren't tricked into it. Whatever influence your sister used, your parents are rational adults that are choosing to be out of the country when their first grandchild might be born.

This could be for a number of reasons. There are different ways of caring about family members and we don't all feel or express them the same way. But ultimately I think you need to look at the relationship you have with your parents, not the one that you want to have.

Original poster
vetmam · 26/06/2018 01:10

Jeez I must say I resent the remarks about 'standing on your own 2 feet'. We have good jobs, a mortgage, blah blah blah, we are financially independent. We DON'T use our family as pet sitters except in reciprocal arrangements with others who have pets too. My husband has cycled or used public transport since losing much of his sight when I can't give him lifts due to work or whatever. We aren't asking favours of people all the time and we are generous with our time when family and friends need help.

This is one specific time where I feel a. excited and wanting to share it with those I love and b. a bit worried and wanting support we can call on if things go tits up... why are people inferring that I'm some kind of idiot who can't boil an egg...?

OP posts:
LemonysSnicket · 26/06/2018 01:15

I was ready to say YABU, but actually I'd be heartbroken if my mum risked not being there for my birth to have a holiday unless booked before I announced due date

User467 · 26/06/2018 01:23

OP you're not being unreasonable at all. Having you're first baby is one of the biggest things to happen to you and it's only natural to feel sad that your parents and sister are not holding as something that important (I'm assuming there's no set reason why they have to go when they are), especially with the history. My PIL went on a three day trip on my induction day (so they knew with a fair amount of certainty they would miss it) and my husband was heartbroken. Again, on a background of years of other issues but he has never forgiven them.

ChocolatePanda · 26/06/2018 01:58

YANBU. I'd be upset if my parents planned to be away for any time around my due date. Especially for the first baby. I would expect them to be ready to offer help if needed and even more, would expect them to want to see the baby regularly. Especially since this is their first grandchild. I'm a bit surprised your mum doesn't want to be seeing her new grandchild every day for cuddles - that's what my mum and MIL wanted.

I'd be doing as a PP said and every picture of baby sent would be baby being held or being bathed by MIL. But I can be a bitch like that! If my mum didn't want to step up and be the doting grandparent then MIL could happily fill the spot and I'd be letting my mum see what she was missing.

ChocolatePanda · 26/06/2018 02:02

I do think, however, that the young generation nowadays rely more heavily on their parents than my generation ever needed to. Standing on your own two feet was what marked the shift from child to adult

We aren't talking about school drop offs or babysitting in the holidays here Do you honestly think that previous generations had babies with no help from grandparents? My grandmother stepped up and helped every one of her 5 kids when their babies came along, as did her mother. I don't think it's relying on the older generations too much to expect a bit of rallying around when a baby is born!

Snipples · 26/06/2018 05:40

Your sister sounds so manipulative OP. She must be very bitter and jealous to pull your parents away at such a time and more fool them for going along with it.

With a bit of luck your parents will talk nonstop about being excited to see the newborn the entire time and that will annoy your sister. I would be tempted to keep spamming them with pics too!

Don't panic too much about them missing the "newborn" stage. My parents only met my daughter when she was 3 weeks old (we live abroad) and she's still tiny and newborn. It also gave us a bit of time as a couple to get settled and used to how we wanted to do things before having visitors which was nice. I know it's not the start you wanted but maybe reframe how you thing about it so it's not stressing you out so much. Good luck with the birth.

BarbarianMum · 26/06/2018 05:41

Had you specifically asked your parents to be around and help before they agreed to this holiday? Fwiw I think you'll find the amount of help you need and can tolerate increases in the weeks after birth (once paternity leave is over) so there will be plenty of opportunity for your parents to help out. If you do have PND then even more so.

I can understand why you're upset though. It sounds like there is a lot of tension with the situation with your sister. Sadly if your mum massively favours her this is unlikely to chance once your baby is born - but you may find you question your relationship with them more and are less tolerant of it. That's not necessarily a bad thing but it may make for a rocky few months.

TheHulksPurplePanties · 26/06/2018 05:53

YANBU, BUT, scheduling holidays around birthdates is difficult. Yes you could go 5 days late, or you could go 4 weeks early. My DP's were in Malaysia when I had DS. We figured it would be fine, but he came 6 weeks early. I think it's likely the dates they chose will work out fine.