To want my parents not to go abroad near my due date

[vetmam]

My younger sister and I don't get on and never have, a problem which has been exacerbated over the years by our mum's massive favouritism towards her. Dad does love me and we have lots in common, but isn't much support from my POV as always backs up my mum 100%. My sister has massive jealousy issues generally, always thinks the world owes her something, and is at her very nastiest when she thinks I've got something she hasn't.

I am pregnant with my first baby and my parents' first grandchild. Sister has been pretty horrible throughout and even my mum admitted that she was 'struggling' with the fact that I am pregnant (to my SIL, she'd never admit to me that my sister is jealous of me!)

Last week we heard that my sister is paying to take my parents and her dog away on holiday to France. Invited my youngest brother but obviously not me/DH and not our other brother&SIL either. Not bothered about that tbh as wouldn't have gone but later found out from my SIL that they are leaving 5 days after my due date.

I am really upset that my parents have agreed to this. I know lots of women who've gone overdue by a week or so with their first baby - if that happens to me, there's a very good chance they will miss seeing their grandchild as a newborn. If anything goes wrong, even if baby arrives on the dd, we could be stuck in hospital for a while. We have pets and will need family support in that situation (DH's family will DEFINITELY help us, but live minimum 90 mins away and also have pets to organise whereas my parents are very local and it's just them and my 20yo youngest brother).

I'm not that surprised at my sister's choice of timing here but really hurt and disappointed with my parents. They normally pander to her and never say no but shouldn't they have done this time? I obviously don't begrudge them a holiday but they are going away by themselves for 2 weeks next month so they will have had one this summer. Am I wrong/selfish/entitled to expect them to be around for me near my dd?

If you can't make your own arrangements for birth without needing others to help you shouldn't be having a baby

What bollocks. What about when it's your second child and you need childcare for the first? Is that not acceptable either??

If you can't make your own arrangements for birth without needing others to help you shouldn't be having a baby.

Oh ffs.

**daffodil10

YABU did you expect them to
Just put everything on hold until you pop! Blimey there's no way I would have expected my parents to put there lives On hold for the fortnight I was overdue. As it was they didn't drive the 200 mile journey for a month afterwards. My husband only arrived for the last hour of the 12 hour birth, stayed 2 hours then went back to work.**

^Your husband went back to work 2 hours after you gave birth?????

And yes my parents and my in laws (who are all still working) dropped everything when I had my DS. That’s what some families do.

YANBU at all OP- your sister has all the power here and your parents couldn’t give a damn. Time to distance yourself from this toxic situation.

I do think it's weird of your mother to agree to go away at such a time.

I made sure I was around for dd both times. I don't think you are BU at all - I would feel hurt, too. I'm glad you have supportive ILs.

Can understand that you are disappointed that they don’t seem to share your excitement about the birth of your child . I remember both my mum and mother in law driving me crazy ringing up constantly to see if I was in labour 🤣

Not sure I understand all the YABUs - are people missing the bigger picture here with the sister being jealous? I wouldn’t be surprised if she engineered this on purpose. She doesn’t have children so isn’t restricted by day school dates.

YANBU OP. It is the principle!!!

I would speak to your parents before you have baby because then you’ll be tired and even more emotional and it will be harder.

I think you need some distance from your sister. Does she also live nearby? If so I think I'd be looking to move away- nearer DPs family maybe. Don't have her on social media etc.

She will start manipulating your children too if you let her.

It really isn't about the pets though is it? OP has clarified that.

It is about wanting to be a priority for once and being sick of her parents 'massive favouritism'. It is about OP wanting her parents to want to be there for her in those first days of parenthood.

If you can't be there for your daughter when she gives birth for the first time because your other favourite child wants to take you away then you are a massive shit. Without the history OP would probably be a lot less hurt. It is just another kick in the face and done at a time when most people really want their parents around them, not necessarily to help, but just to be there.

Did your sister present the holiday as a done deal to your parents so they felt they couldn’t say no, or were dates discussed and they had input into the holiday?

Yanbu by the way, I’d be so disappointed if my parents did this. Just be aware your sister will probably pull the same tricks at baby’s first Christmas, first birthday etc.

I can only imagine that everyone talking about 'standing on your own two feet' has never experienced a serious medical emergency (birth-related or otherwise) where friends/family are utterly invaluable. Lucky you.

YANBU. Your sister sounds awful and your mum sounds pretty awful too.

I see it both ways.. YANBU to feel that way but you also can't dictate your parents choices and plans.
Your parents are adults who have made their decision to go away knowing all the facts, yes it's a bit shitty of them to you but they were well aware of the dates and still decided to go. Fuck em, you don't need people like that around in the days following birth.
Then when they come back and want to see baby, you can make other plans yourself to go away / not find it convenient and they'll have to deal with that too.

Wow, you got the wrong crowd last night op!

Of course yanbu, it doesn’t take much of a leap to understand this is to placate your sisters jealousy. But you have to take control of this. It will hurt again when your sister has children and they are a much bigger support. And again when they offer childcare freely to her when you have to really ask and organise. When mum refuses a coffee date in case Dsis goes into labour.

It really hurts, but acceptance really seems to be the only way to get over these things. And pity your sister - these are not the actions of a happy, secure woman.

I can relate to that. When I had my 3rd child, I was alone as my parents were on holiday and my DH was looking after the other 2 DC. They hadn't planned to be away I had her 8 weeks early and was told to prepare for a not good outcome by the obstetrician, so I can understand wanting your parents close near the due date. It was hell being alone and scared about the outcome. In the end a mum of another lady came and rubbed my back and spent time with me as she felt sorry for me, My parents weren't abroad and rushed back, but if they had been I would have been totally alone.

Umm - I think a lot of this comments are a bit harsh.

BUT don't think you having a baby will suddenly wave a magic wand and make your parents treat you fairly - the way you want/expect. In fact having your own child can often throw family dynamics into shrper focus.

So I can see why you might be hurt and disappointed with your parents. And you should tell them this (calmly).
But overall is this just part and parcel of your family dynamics? And maybe you need to rethink your expectations of family?

I would PAY someone to take my Mum away on holiday for at least a month around my due date 😂 but, I can 7ndersrand why you’re upset. As much as your sister is a nasty, manipulative bitch, you have to accept that your Mum is the who accepted the offer. You need to accept she’s prioritising your sister, yet again. It hurts, but accepting shit like this makes it a bit easier. My brother is the golden child, him & his wife (aka The Bitch) can do no wrong...it’s tiresome, but acceptance helps.

Rally the inlaws & friends and post lots of ‘snuggling with Nana’ photos...if that doesn’t sort your mothers shitty attitude out, nothing will.

Congratulations & good luck.

PS: if you live near me I’ll swap pet feeding/walking & lifts for newborn snuggles any time!

Oh here we go. Not only should the op not care if her parents are on holiday instead of 5 mins away but she shouldn’t even care if her dh can’t make it. Never mind the grand majority of women would care deeply, and very much want the support, daffodil dropped a baby out solo on a mountainside so the op should too.
And it was in the middle of winter, with blizzard conditions and snow up to your armpits but daffodil popped the baby out, trotted briskly down the mountain and was back at work down the mines within 30 seconds of the birth.
Nothing wrong with wanting to know that there's a bit of support there if you need it OP. And it's your first baby, that's a big deal (contrary to some on here) - it's special (or it should be). Could you talk to your neighbours - see if any of them would be able to help with pet care or lifts if it came to it?

This baby is yours, not theirs... your parents have been through all this with you and your siblings. They don't have to be involved with grandchildren if they don't want to.

However, similar to a pp I would also be a bit petty and send lots of photos in pils arms and then I would be conveniently out or busy when my parents did eventually return and want to see the baby. But i can be a bit vindictive

Think about it this way - if you do have the baby whilst they're on holiday, they're inevitably going to be excited and talking a LOT, which will annoy your sister a treat.

You seem to be under the impression that having a baby first will magically solve the issue with your mum. It won't so no point trying to point score with the first grandchild.

You don't get on with your sister so maybe she has planned it on purpose or maybe she's had enough of the first pregnancy chatter and fancies a break.

You have a husband to support you and no other children so you won't need an extra pair of hands whatsoever.

Families can't win, given the number of posts on here where they are banned for the first few weeks so the parents can have baby moons etc little wonder they don't put their lives on hold.

Having your first baby is imv the biggest event in your life. Not just as it's a new life but also there are medical risks and a huge physical and emotional event for you.
I would say it was planned by DSis to keep people away but don't worry, I think you will find that you are happier just you DP and baby, tensions from jealous sisters you can do without until a good bit after the birth of baby. It will give you a peaceful start with baby which you will later be grateful for. Time to establish feeding, get settled at home, get used to having baby with you.
If DM is in the thrall of DSis it could be time to reduce contact, you will be so busy with baby you won't miss them.

Another YANBU
The issue with these sorts of things is the dynamic is very ingrained and so very difficult to change. People have “scripts” they follow and often don’t know how to behave if someone goes off piste.

As an example, I’m assuming you were just a bit shocked and have said nothing to your parents, I would have said without thinking something like “but that’s my due date. Can you change the dates or not go? it’s my first baby, I’m terrified and I’d really like you to be there”

It’s a difficult situation and I think it sucks for you so but as others have said you will have your husband so won’t be alone.

Jeez some of the people here make question our existence....clearly empathy on having your first child and having a dysfunctional family bypassed you in your perfect lives.

I hear you OP, your sister is a jealous bitch. I gave birth with my 2nd in an overseas country and I was a week late...on dds arrival my mum was on the first flight over for a few days and returned home. I would have been gutted if she'd planned a holiday and wasn't able to meet her grandchild imminently.

Your due date is not a surprise, I would feel hurt that no-one had the balks to say to your sister, oh hang on that's xxxs due date, we should look at a few weeks later.

Like another poster I would be really childish and post lots of in-laws bonding photos.

No I didn't have the baby on a mountainside!😂 and no I'm not married to a twat! Although we have been married over 20 years today.

My husband went home milked the cows then came back to the hospital. My mum arrived after about a month stayed for two days then went home -thank god.

Like many other posters I just think we are too dependent on others just get on with it. Forget about them the moment is between you and the child does it really matter if they are there ?!

Whatshallidonowpeople If you can't make your own arrangements for birth without needing others to help you shouldn't be having a baby

Human beings are social animals. The idea that women are supposed to pass some strange resiliency test before they can have a baby is ridiculous and shows how little you know about human relationships. I hope you don't have loved ones who rely on advice from you.

Forget about them the moment is between you and the child does it really matter if they are there ?!

I think it matters to the OP that they don't want to be there, more than it matters that they won't be there.