To want my parents not to go abroad near my due date

[vetmam]

My younger sister and I don't get on and never have, a problem which has been exacerbated over the years by our mum's massive favouritism towards her. Dad does love me and we have lots in common, but isn't much support from my POV as always backs up my mum 100%. My sister has massive jealousy issues generally, always thinks the world owes her something, and is at her very nastiest when she thinks I've got something she hasn't.

I am pregnant with my first baby and my parents' first grandchild. Sister has been pretty horrible throughout and even my mum admitted that she was 'struggling' with the fact that I am pregnant (to my SIL, she'd never admit to me that my sister is jealous of me!)

Last week we heard that my sister is paying to take my parents and her dog away on holiday to France. Invited my youngest brother but obviously not me/DH and not our other brother&SIL either. Not bothered about that tbh as wouldn't have gone but later found out from my SIL that they are leaving 5 days after my due date.

I am really upset that my parents have agreed to this. I know lots of women who've gone overdue by a week or so with their first baby - if that happens to me, there's a very good chance they will miss seeing their grandchild as a newborn. If anything goes wrong, even if baby arrives on the dd, we could be stuck in hospital for a while. We have pets and will need family support in that situation (DH's family will DEFINITELY help us, but live minimum 90 mins away and also have pets to organise whereas my parents are very local and it's just them and my 20yo youngest brother).

I'm not that surprised at my sister's choice of timing here but really hurt and disappointed with my parents. They normally pander to her and never say no but shouldn't they have done this time? I obviously don't begrudge them a holiday but they are going away by themselves for 2 weeks next month so they will have had one this summer. Am I wrong/selfish/entitled to expect them to be around for me near my dd?

@daffodil10 if that’s true, then you are married to a prick.
Op, I get it and I say that as someone who is estranged from their parents and has nothing from them and coped ok. It’s not about whether the OP can cope, she can, but she shouldn’t have to. I can’t imagine buggering off on holiday leaving my daughter with her first baby and a recently sight-impaired husband. They should want to at least meet their grandchild. I’d be hurt.

Op yanbu. At some point I think you should have the conversation with your parents, maybe after baby is here, that they prioritised your sister over their first grandchild.
She sounds a spiteful madam, but then again shame on your parents, they have turned her into this and go along with her. Does she have any learning difficulties or anything that would make her/their behaviour understandable?

As for the poster who said people now rely more on their parents. What a load of rubbish. Yes the younger generations may be at home longer due to ridiculous house prices etc, but after moving out often love further away. Grandparents helped more on previous generations with childcare also, where as now often grandparents are still working so can’t do this stuff. Look at the roaring trade nurseries are making now, compared to thirty years ago when putting a child in nursery was unheard of.

yanbu to be a little put out. more at the fact that your parents havent been more considerate.

There are some right Twats here! Of course your upset I would be a bit pissed off too. Have you got any other family or friends you could line up for help. Think of them going away as a bit of a blessing, you could have your 1st fee days at home just you and your husband.

YANBU. I would be very hurt too. Especially as they live close by and you'd think they would want to be there soon after the birth to meet their first grandchild. It's a special moment and lovely to have them visit you in hospital if that's what they chose to do. They only get that chance once and they can go on holiday anytime.

OP, I would feel exactly the same. I’d be hurt that meeting their first grandchild and supporting me through a bloody tough time (sorry but newborns are very tough ) was less important than a get away with DSis. We can’t really advise you what to do because we don’t know the ins and outs of your relationship with parents.

DMil did this (go on a hol the week before due date) and I was a bit peeved but didn’t really care. If it had been my mum, on the other hand, I would have been distraught.

And I agree with pp - @daffodil10 your husband sounds like an arse, unless there was a good reason for that behaviour. That is certainly not the norm and most people would be hurt and feel completely let down at what is a very happy but also vulnerable time with a first baby.

daffodil wanting your parents there for the birth of their 1st grandchild is not expecting them to put your life on hold! And if keep quiet about your husband going back to work 2hrs after you had given birth because he sounds live a massive twat.

like a twat

Op I think it’s awful. I think if you rise to it you give the sister power and feed into her weird game. Plus you won’t change the dynamic anyway. I wouldn’t say a thing and would make other contingencies (can you rope in friends or neighbours to help a bit)?

I would feel very hurt by this too so don't blame you at all for feeling this way.

I had my parents first grandchild and nothing would have kept them away - they were semi obsessed with my DS for the first year or so.

Maybe this says more about your parents than you realise.

Got it. Your sister's jealous and entitled but you're not. What a beastly family you have. There they are doing things they want to do without you and should of course cancel any plans they may have made until you decide what they should do. Monsters.

I get where you are coming from but I do think YABU. My parents were on holiday half way across the world when I gave birth but were back the next week. Your partner should deal with the animals or friends.

I get what you are saying OP. I would feel hurt too. Of course you will manage just fine but that is not the point you're making and people are purposely missing the point.

Not the same, but my father favoured my nephew massively over my DC and my niece. Any kind of favourtism stings. You are entitled to feel what you feel.

I would feel hurt too. Of course it is normal to be hurt when your mum favours your sibling and then goes abroad with her when you are due your first baby. I would have been really upset if my mum wasn't around for my first and there is no way she would have wanted to go away at that time either. It has nothing to do with relying on her or needing her to help out. I just wanted her there to share the experience with me.

You have had some harsh replies OP and for the most part, it is probably because people always have to make an OP sound entirely unreasonable, even when their emotions are valid and pretty bloody normal.

I am sorry OP

I would be fed up too. Yes, maybe you are being slightly 'precious' as other posters have said but who cares? You are having their first grandchild and they can't wait a couple of weeks to go on holiday. Your sister might be the the one trying to cause trouble here but your parents should put you first for once. I would tell them that.

I’d be very, very hurt and my parents would never have agreed to such a thing. YDNBU.

Got it. Your sister's jealous and entitled but you're not. What a beastly family you have. There they are doing things they want to do without you and should of course cancel any plans they may have made until you decide what they should do. Monsters.

How do you know that this isnt true? OP says there is a history of her sister being nasty and her parents favouring her. Sounds to me like her sister set this up nicely because she is jealous, knowing her parents pander to her and won't say no. Yeah, they do sound pretty shit to me.

It is not entitled to want your parents to want to be around when you have your first child. When did people get so bloody hard?

I’d be very hurt by this OP. But I’m nc with my siblings so I get the complicated relationship angle. I’d be making it very clear to your parents that this is a shitty thing to do. Let them know how much this has hurt you, and then I’d be withdrawing from them for a while. If they aren’t prepared to make an effort with you, why would you keep going back for more shitty treatment from them?

I get it, OP, your sister is a cow. I would refuse all contact with her from now on, she will be worse when the baby is here. See your parents when she isn't around. I can't believe they are pandering to the nasty cow.

OP, I totally get where you're coming from. Your parents have very clearly set their priorities out here. Make sure that from here on in you do the same.

I can see why you're a bit hurt - but they aren't going for long and it's only France not six months in Australia. To me it actually sounds pretty good - you don't seem to get on that well with them and they aren't around at a stressful time! Personally I'd say win/win.

If you can't make your own arrangements for birth without needing others to help you shouldn't be having a baby.

OP not sure why you're giving your Mum a free pass here. Look up triangulation. Your Mum is the one who set the dynamics for you and your sister being at each other. I bet your Mum enjoys the bickering between you two while she can just sit back and play innocent.

I think you should relax a bit. This is your first, and you are not a single parent. Between the two of you it will be easy to look after the pets and the baby. If it was your second and you needed someone to care for dc1 while you were in labour with dc2 then I woud have more understanding.

My parents didn't come and see either of mine until they were 6 weeks old. They live overseas but they were in the UK much earlier visiting my dsis. It made sense for them to visit in that order as she lives nearer to the airport. It was actually quite a considerate way of doing things as I had plenty of time to get routines in place and bf-ing established before they came to stay.

One of the reasons I delayed motherhood until so late was the constant horror stories of how much help you need with a newborn. It is boll*cks. One baby isn't that hard even if he/she is a refluxy non-sleeper (like my first). You don't need loads of family help. I had none, and to be honest enjoyed the space and time on my own.