To want my parents not to go abroad near my due date

[vetmam]

My younger sister and I don't get on and never have, a problem which has been exacerbated over the years by our mum's massive favouritism towards her. Dad does love me and we have lots in common, but isn't much support from my POV as always backs up my mum 100%. My sister has massive jealousy issues generally, always thinks the world owes her something, and is at her very nastiest when she thinks I've got something she hasn't.

I am pregnant with my first baby and my parents' first grandchild. Sister has been pretty horrible throughout and even my mum admitted that she was 'struggling' with the fact that I am pregnant (to my SIL, she'd never admit to me that my sister is jealous of me!)

Last week we heard that my sister is paying to take my parents and her dog away on holiday to France. Invited my youngest brother but obviously not me/DH and not our other brother&SIL either. Not bothered about that tbh as wouldn't have gone but later found out from my SIL that they are leaving 5 days after my due date.

I am really upset that my parents have agreed to this. I know lots of women who've gone overdue by a week or so with their first baby - if that happens to me, there's a very good chance they will miss seeing their grandchild as a newborn. If anything goes wrong, even if baby arrives on the dd, we could be stuck in hospital for a while. We have pets and will need family support in that situation (DH's family will DEFINITELY help us, but live minimum 90 mins away and also have pets to organise whereas my parents are very local and it's just them and my 20yo youngest brother).

I'm not that surprised at my sister's choice of timing here but really hurt and disappointed with my parents. They normally pander to her and never say no but shouldn't they have done this time? I obviously don't begrudge them a holiday but they are going away by themselves for 2 weeks next month so they will have had one this summer. Am I wrong/selfish/entitled to expect them to be around for me near my dd?

Your sister’s a bitch but you can’t change that. The best way to deal with her is to show you’re not upset, I would imagine that’s really piss her off.

I also don’t think you are being inreasonable to be upset with your mum. Unfortunately you’re not going to be able to change that either. Concentrate on the family you do have around you. It’s your mum who will miss out, not you, not your new baby.

I think you're getting a hard time from some posters.I'd be upset too in your shoes. Your sister is a manipulative bitch and your mum is a cow. It's totally shitty to favour one child over another, and even shittier to blatantly show it. Have you ever told your dad how you feel?

Unfortunately you can't change things. However much it hurts, don't let your sister see that she gets to you, and concentrate on those members of the family who are excited about the new arrival.

As PP suggested, in the long term, maybe consider moving nearer the in laws, and away from the toxic dynamics of your family, as sadly, the favouritism is likely to get worse when and if the little princess sister becomes a mum herself.

YANBU to be hurt. I think part of the reason you’re getting a hard time here is how you worded your post.

Have you actually spoken to your mum about this?

I can see why you are feeling put out but you do probably need to not let things like this get to you. It sounds like there will always be problems and by not saying 'that's very close to dd's due date' they are making that choice. My mum went away within days of my first being born, he was 10 days late so I guess she'd probably thought she'd be flying when he was 2 weeks old not 4 days. I was quite young and it was just one of those things, it is your baby. People seem to think others will be as obsessed with their children as they are but it's rarely the case. My MIL was obsessed and it drove me completely nuts to be honest.
If you had an older child it would make sense to have people taking time out to be around, but that's not the case. You describe being very independent and perhaps by doing this they feel they won't be needed at this time.
Depending on what your relationship is like can you not bring it up? Sort of, gosh hope the babies on time or you won't get to meet them for a while, and I was really looking forward to you being around. Perhaps they are concerned but your sister has engineered it and it's put them in a tricky position.

I agree. Move near you’re in laws if you can and leave the lot of them to it. It will get worse once favourite daughter has children as she will receive the help you won’t and those children will be favoured too. Be interesting to see if the favourite steps up once your parents get elderly and need help themselves. I’m betting not. Don’t be around.

I hate to say it, but I wonder if you are a contender for the stately homes threads. Some of the nasty comments on here have ignored the years of hurt over sibling rivalry/jealousy/favouritism. It's destructive.

All the best for the rest of your pregnancy, birth and motherhood.

OP I don’t know why so many PP are piling on you! Of course you’re hurt; I’d have been devastated, especially when I was pregnant and emotions were high etc. Your sister is being deliberately cruel and why shouldn’t that upset you? I was almost 2 weeks overdue and I would’ve been gutted if my parents hadn’t been able to come and visit us in the hospital. For what it’s worth, so would they, and I have a feeling your parents would feel pretty lousy too!

I really suggest you tell them how hurt you are. Get it out there and see what they say; perhaps plans can be changed.

My husband went home milked the cows
You were on a mountain - goats not cows! (I have a lovely Heidi picture going on now in my head)
Like many other posters I just think we are too dependent on others just get on with it.
Agreed but I think there's also the thinking element in play here - OP has time to think about how it will work and therefore has time to worry about whether she'll cope with a new unknown situation, as well as being hurt that DM can't put her (or more likely her baby) first just for once. Chances are that when it happens she'll go into autopilot and cope just fine.

I would have been hurt if it had been my first but I’m 35 weeks with DC2 who is about to make her arrival (pre eclampsia) and my in laws and sister have all recently gone away for 2 weeks with the view they would be back in plenty of time for new baby cuddles. Just goes to show you can’t really plan your life around someone else having a baby as they have their own schedule!

You and your DP enjoy your pregnancy and birth and welcome who YOU want to see your baby when you are ready

This almost happened to me. I was 40 when I gave birth and it was my parents' first grand child. For some inexplicable reason my mum started discussing a holiday a couple of weeks after my due date. I had to ask her to reconsider as I felt I would need her around and was a bit hurt by her plans.

Of course it is hurtful but there isn't much you can do. I am sure that this stings as a reminder that your mum and sister have a toxic relationship with you.

I understand that it would be nice to have them there, but would you really want them there? It sounds like your mum is a manipulative jerk. Your dad goes along with it and your sister is doing this to get a rise out of you.

Call their bluff- If they miss their grandchild, that is on them. And they'll know it.

I would also suggest you see a therapist about this relationship, and maybe getting to a place where you don't need approval from your mum so much.

OP, not the point of the post at all but just on the PND point, I was very paranoid it would happen to me as I too have had serious MH problems in the past but I didn’t get it in the end so just to reassure you it’s not a forgone conclusion try not to let it worry you in advance. YADNBU about the actual point of your post!

As above I think you should check out the stately homes thread OP. yANBU to want your parents to care, but I suspect they will always prioritise your sister from what you've said. It's very hard to accept but you should try to realise that the only one who is getting hurt is you in all this and should try to care less about them and what they think and do. Put the people in your life who do care first and make your parents and sister much lower priorities in your life. Your relationship with them is only on their terms so let that ride, don't ask to see them, invite them over etc put the ball in their court. You only want them in your child's life if they want to be there and not when it's convenient for your sister so don't put yourself out for them. In time it gets easier and you may find they either realise what they're missing out on - or you might just not bother with them anymore. Good luck with the baby - once he/she comes along you and your dp will be a whole new family, concentrate on making that work, and sod the others!

I really feel for you OP.

How did you parents let you know that they are going away? And did they mention your due date when they did? Was there any regret, apology, acknowledgement?

Have you ever talked through the whole family dynamic with a counsellor? Because as others have said, it will probably get worse and you will need ways of coping with the hurt.

The first week or so is really crucial bonding time for you and your partner with the baby - try to see it as a positive that it gives you chance to enjoy your little nest in peace- it's a very overwhelming time yes but often you're on a high the first week or so and you'll be more appreciative of your parents a couple of weeks in when the sleepless nights are taking your toll and you need some help around the house

I don't see why your dad gets a free pass here. He and your mother made this situation, through action or inaction. Your sister is what they raised her to be, your mother didn't do it single handed.

Withdraw, and lean more on your partner's family, if they are nicer, more supportive people. Your sister can only 'win' if you let there be a competition.

It sounds like a very hurtful situation for you. How is your mum with your brothers?
I think you need to distance yourself from mum and jealous sister emotionally and perhaps physically.
You will have to budget taxi's into the birth plan for your dh to travel back and forth to feed the pets etc. Or can you get some close friends or neighbours on standby.
Dh won't be able to stay overnight anyway.
My dm was useless. But imposed herself on my days after the birth so she could be the first to see baby. No help at all.
No offer of help for second child where she was more needed for childcare. We relied on friends to help out.

Most people would be glad - less visitors to deal with. I don't think you can dictate when they go to be honest.

My mum loves 8 hours away and works, so if I have the baby on due date, she's not going to be able to come for another 10 days when her AL starts. Baby will still be a newborn!

Can't believe some people have been so mean to you OP. I would be very upset too. I think you should tell them both face to face how it makes you feel. Don't mention your sister or the fact she's done it in purpose because your Mum might start defending her and it will take away from what you're saying.

OP I can't believe how rough a time you're getting on here. I'm a very independent person with a loving DH and I would have been devastated if my DM had done this. She wouldn't have even considered it. Neither would my DSisters. So for them to have gone ahead shows they don't care as much as you want them to. Ignore the haters above. Most people would feel like you do. Really feel for you.

Have you tried sitting down with them, away from your dsis, and really telling them how you feel? Heir response will tell you everything you need to know. Good luck.

NotTakenUsername et al are right.

You don't have the parents you would like and you keep hoping for. Your sister is the type to exploit her golden-child status and do whatever she can to hang on to it.

I second PPs' advice to tell them directly how you feel about this, without mentioning your sister. See what they say, how they react.

But if they don't make you a priority when you need it, you are under no obligation whatsoever to make them a priority in their grandchild's life.

I totally understand op.

Your sister did this deliberately, your parents failed again to see her motivations for doing this.

The only way to truly get past this, is simply to focus from now on entirely on your new family. Your parents will obviously come at some point. The quicker you realise that the only way forward is to have zero expectations of them, and I mean zero the better. You will continue to be hurt otherwise.

Your toxic sister needs to be held at arms length as a minimum or extremely low contact. Do not include in the joy of your baby, she won't bring happiness or love with her.

Don't let your sister 'win' by being hurt, this situation is nothing new. Ignore it, enjoy your pregnancy and all the wonderful moments that are coming. Your new baby will bring such joy with her/him, focus entirely on the positive aspects in your life and don't allow an inch of negativity to ruin this very special moment for you. Make other plans for your pets etc and become independent of ever needing your parents and then they won't have the power to hurt you anymore.

YANBU.

I feel sorry for you , it doesn’t sound right.
It’s not about expecting your parents to put their lives on hold, you want them to care, to look at the bigger picture and prioritize accordingly. I know it’s very difficult but you need to tell them that you want them to be with you and share your joy, happiness and possible difficulties as well. Nothing wrong with this. They probably fall into a pattern seeing you ( and your husband) as very independent coping couple who doesn’t need them. Tell them that now it’s different situation, you need them and need their support. Tell them about pets, that you might need lifts, that you are nervous and feel better when they are around. It probably won’t help and they will continue as it is but it’s better to try as it will be trickier to have these sort of conversations when your baby’s born.
For PPs who are saying that you can’t change family dynamics. Actually you can, often arriving a first grandchild changes things a lot.
I wish you luck and hope everything will be ok!

If they aren't interested then I think that you need to find a way to deal with that.

Don't try to force a relationship-especially if there's a risk that your child would be cast aside if your sister has kids.

I'm sure a lot of people would be hurt by this, but if there were no bad intentions/favouritism it would be easier to deal with & just see is as a chance to have some quiet time before they returned.