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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want my parents not to go abroad near my due date

198 replies

vetmam · 25/06/2018 23:16

My younger sister and I don't get on and never have, a problem which has been exacerbated over the years by our mum's massive favouritism towards her. Dad does love me and we have lots in common, but isn't much support from my POV as always backs up my mum 100%. My sister has massive jealousy issues generally, always thinks the world owes her something, and is at her very nastiest when she thinks I've got something she hasn't.

I am pregnant with my first baby and my parents' first grandchild. Sister has been pretty horrible throughout and even my mum admitted that she was 'struggling' with the fact that I am pregnant (to my SIL, she'd never admit to me that my sister is jealous of me!)

Last week we heard that my sister is paying to take my parents and her dog away on holiday to France. Invited my youngest brother but obviously not me/DH and not our other brother&SIL either. Not bothered about that tbh as wouldn't have gone but later found out from my SIL that they are leaving 5 days after my due date.

I am really upset that my parents have agreed to this. I know lots of women who've gone overdue by a week or so with their first baby - if that happens to me, there's a very good chance they will miss seeing their grandchild as a newborn. If anything goes wrong, even if baby arrives on the dd, we could be stuck in hospital for a while. We have pets and will need family support in that situation (DH's family will DEFINITELY help us, but live minimum 90 mins away and also have pets to organise whereas my parents are very local and it's just them and my 20yo youngest brother).

I'm not that surprised at my sister's choice of timing here but really hurt and disappointed with my parents. They normally pander to her and never say no but shouldn't they have done this time? I obviously don't begrudge them a holiday but they are going away by themselves for 2 weeks next month so they will have had one this summer. Am I wrong/selfish/entitled to expect them to be around for me near my dd?

OP posts:
Imbluedabadee · 26/06/2018 19:19

Yanbu at all. My mum did the same thing and I was so upset

MrsSnootyPants2018 · 26/06/2018 19:24

Surely it's up to the parents? It won't make them horrid grandparents or unloving ones.

Mummagump · 26/06/2018 19:35

YANBU for wanting your parents around.

YABU for hoping your sister would not do this kind of thing. She isn’t going to change I’m afraid. I guess it’s fair to say she will plan something that involves your Mum to coincide with your childs first birthday etc etc.

I have the same with my sibling to the point of my telling my parents that as far as I am concerned I’m now an only child.

Whocansay · 26/06/2018 20:05

I understand why you're upset. It's hurtful. But there's nothing to do or say about it.

Put your energies into your new little family. Let them get on with it.

But when baby arrives, put lots of gorgeous pictures with your MIL and the new baby on social media, preferably with gushing comments about how well they're bonding. It may give your mother some pause for thought.

I agree with the PP. Your sister is not going to change. But if you know this, you can be prepared in future.

Good luck. And congratulations!

DitheringBlidiot · 26/06/2018 21:35

I get why you’d be a bit put out, but mostly you seem annoyed that they won’t be there to look after the pets or ferry you around. Get a taxi home from the hospital, ask a neighbour or pet sitter if you can afford it to pop in on the pets and say to your parents that you hope the baby doesn’t come whilst they’re away.

Thehop · 26/06/2018 21:40

I’d be upset too vetmam.

I’d send photos of lovely newborn with MIL

WineIsMyMainVice · 26/06/2018 21:44

Have you actually spoken to them about this?

My parents did this both times I was due. But actually it wasn’t the end of the world.

Good luck

Knittinglikemad · 26/06/2018 23:11

Oh @vetman I am so sorry your family are being like this. I live 150miles (3hr drive) from my DD & don’t keep well, but when she had her first I was up there (we have a house still up there) & stayed for a month so I could be on hand every day to help she had a section. She is pregnant with her 2nd & not very well at the moment so I am on the train at the moment heading up there after getting a phone call & will stay for as long as needed, I hope your other family members all rally round & well your parents are the ones losing out.

HildaZelda · 26/06/2018 23:22

I think you're being a bit ott op. My sil got pissy with us because we were on honeymoon when her child was born. The honeymoon that we'd booked a year before, the same time we'd booked our wedding. When she wasn't even pregnant Hmm

Rachel0Greep · 27/06/2018 01:10

OP, YANBU... Unfortunately, as others have said this is a pattern that will continue. Detach as much as possible. And YY to lots of happy photos with the other GPs.
Your parents could have said no. They didn't. Sad
Be prepared for more of the same. As said upthread these (your sister's) are not the actions of a secure, happy woman. Keep that in mind.
All the best.

OnionBridie · 27/06/2018 01:31

Op, no wonder you’re upset. What a horrible thing for your parents to do - and it is them who are doing it.

To be honest, and without any wish to hurt you, I think they’ve made their priorities loud and clear and perhaps it’s time for you to try and reduce contact a bit. I do know however that that in itself would be very painful.

What with this and your husbands sight you really are up against it right now and I’m sorry.

Aus84 · 27/06/2018 01:54

YANBU - you are allowed to feel hurt. You can't control what they choose to do but you're about to have your own little family so try to focus on that, not your sister and your mother. (and send heaps of newborn photos so they know what they are missing!)

beclev24 · 27/06/2018 02:19

I"m always amazed on mn how people seem to think that as an adult to ask/ expect literally anything at all of your parents is entitled/ unreasonable etc.

I can't imagine one of my DC having my first grandchild and deciding to go on holiday at that time! I can't imagine not wanting to help in any way I possibly could. Barring very unusual circumstances, being part of a family should mean helping each other out where you can, taking joy in each others' milestones and special times and rejoicing over the birth of a new family member. Particularly from parent to child. I find this attitude of "they've done their bit bringing you up, now they should be of the hook" pretty depressing.

hayli · 27/06/2018 02:48

YABU did you expect them to
Just put everything on hold until you pop! Blimey there's no way I would have expected my parents to put there lives On hold for the fortnight I was overdue. As it was they didn't drive the 200 mile journey for a month afterwards. My husband only arrived for the last hour of the 12 hour birth, stayed 2 hours then went back to work. You need to stand on your own two feet
Oh please get over yourself. Im sorry but are you're proudly telling everyone that your husband stayed only for two hours after birth?! You must have really appreciated that.

OnionBridie · 27/06/2018 05:40

Well said Beclev.

OnionBridie · 27/06/2018 05:42

You must have really appreciated that

I understand the husband staying 2 hours. It was a sign of the times. IT was also because of his job.

When I was having my first 3 children husbands could only see their wife and child at visiting time which was an hour a day. It didn't do any harm.

Fflamingo · 27/06/2018 07:37

I made sure I was there for the birth of my 3 DGCs - I didn’t insist but when the time came I was invited along. So Dad to be was inside the ward/ theatre and I was outside. I was there to cuddle my new grandchild when they arrived, I was there to sort stuff at home for baby’s homecoming and there to make a cup of tea when baby was brought home. I have 3most beautiful DGCs that I would lay my life down for.
Not everyone has this, my DM was not there for my births.
It’s a magical time, who would miss it?

nosleepforoverayear · 27/06/2018 07:54

I don't think it's unreasonable to be upset by this. It sounds like your parents said they didn't want to miss it and your sister has persuaded them that 5 days after due date is more than enough. I went 2 weeks over, so your concerns are totally fair. My mum has barely visited my daughter in the last year and it definitely hurts. I didn't want her to help, I just would like them to have a relationship. But I think it's her loss... my little girl is amazing! Try to focus on your new family unit and make sure history doesn't repeat itself by bringing up children who know they are loved equally, and their parents will always be there for them. It is hard in the first few days after giving birth, but it sounds like your husband and in laws will be there for you, and midwives are amazing when it comes to bfing advice etc. Try to enjoy this very special time, they are only small for such a short time.

susej · 27/06/2018 12:38

OP just so you know this has been picked up online and is now all over Facebook!

LastOneDancing · 27/06/2018 13:19

Fuck off Rachel Andrews.
And take your lazy, inaccurate, vulture 'journalism' with crap stock photos with you.

chilly32045 · 01/07/2018 23:00

I do not think you are being unreasonable. I have a very similar situation with my sister. And i would absolutely feel the same as you. She has clearly done this on purpose.

Your parents probably would rather be here but feel bad that she has booked it. And as i get with my sister pander to her too much.

Tomatoesrock · 01/07/2018 23:16

susej Shit seen your link, that is crazy. I hope it did not get to family OP, if it has so what. You are right and nbu at all x

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